the choir invisible-第30部分

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〃Yes。〃

He　answered　absently。　He　was　thinking　that　if　she　was　looking　for　him；　then　she　had　not　understood　and　their　relation　still　rested　on　the　old　innocent　footing。　Whatever　explanation　of　his　conduct　and　leave…taking　the　day　before　she　had　devised；　it　had　not　been　in　his　disfavour。　In　all　probability；　she　had　referred　it；　as　she　had　referred　everything　else；　to　his　affair　with　Amy。　His　conscience　smote　him　at　the　thought　of　her　indestructible　trust　in　him。

〃If　this　is　your　last　Sunday；〃　resumed　the　parson　in　a　voice　rather　plaintive；　〃then　this　is　our　last　Sunday　night　together。　And　that　was　my　last　sermon。　Well；　it's　not　a　bad　one　to　take　with　you。　By　the　time　you　get　back；　you'll　thank　me　more　for　it　than　you　did　this　morningif　you　heed　it。〃

There　was　another　silence　before　he　continued；　musingly：

〃What　an　expression　a　sermon　will　sometimes　bring　out　on　a　man's　face！　While　I　was　preaching；　I　saw　many　a　thing　that　no　man　knew　I　saw。　It　was　as　though　I　were　crossing　actual　wilderness…es；　I　met　the　wild　beasts　of　different　souls；　I　crept　up　on　the　lurking　savages　of　the　passions。　I　believe　some　of　those　men　would　have　liked　to　confess　to　me。　I　wish　they　had。〃

He　forbore　to　speak　of　John's　black　look；　though　it　was　of　this　that　he　was　most　grievously　thinking　and　would　have　led　the　way　to　have　explained。　But　no　answer　came。〃

There　was　one　face　with　no　hidden　guilt　in　it；　no　shame。　I　read　into　the　depths　of　that　clear　mind。　It　said：　'I　have　conquered　my　wilderness。'　I　have　never　known　another　such　woman　as　Mrs。　Falconer。　She　never　speaks　of　herself；　but　when　I　am　with　her；　I　feel　that　the　struggles　of　my　life　have　been　nothing。〃

〃Yes；〃　he　continued；　out　of　kindness　trying　to　take　no　notice　of　his　companion's　silence；　〃she　holds　in　quietness　her　land　of　the　spirit；　but　there　are　battle…fields　in　her　nature　that　fill　me　with　awe　by　their　silence。　I'd　dread　to　be　the　person　to　cause　her　any　further　trouble　in　this　world。〃

The　schoolmaster　started　up；　went　into　the　cabin；　and　quickly　came　out　again。　The　parson；　absorbed　in　his　reflections；　had　not　noticed：

〃You've　thought　I've　not　sympathized　with　you　in　your　affair　with　Amy。　　It's　true。　But　if　you'd　ever　loved　this　woman　and　failed；　I　could　have　sympathized。〃

〃Why　don't　you　raise　the　money　to　build　a　better　church　by　getting　up　a　lottery？〃　asked　John；　breaking　in　harshly　upon　the　parson's　gentleness。

The　question　brought　on　a　short　discussion　of　this　method　of　aiding　schools　and　churches；　then　much　in　vogue。　The　parson　rather　favoured　the　plan　（and　it　is　known　that　afterwards　a　better　church　was　built　for　him　through　this　device）；　but　his　companion　bore　but　a　listless　part　in　the　talk：　he　was　balancing　the　chances；　the　honour　and　the　dishonour；　in　a　lottery　of　life。

〃You　are　not　like　yourself　to…day；〃　said　the　parson　reproachfully　after　silence　had　come　on　again。

I　know　it；〃　replied　John　freely；　as　if　awaking　at　last。

〃Well；　each　of　us　has　his　troubles。　Sometimes　I　have　likened　the　human　race　to　a　caravan　of　camels　crossing　a　deserteach　with　sore　on　his　hump　and　each　with　his　load　so　placed　as　to　rub　that　sore。　It　is　all　right　for　the　back　to　bear　its　burden；　but　I　don't　think　there　should　have　been　any　sore！〃

〃Let　me　ask　you　a　question；〃　said　John；　suddenly　and　earnestly。　〃Have　there　ever　been　days　in　your　life　when；　if　you'd　been　the　camel；　you'd　have　thrown　the　load　and　driver　off？〃

〃Ah！〃　said　the　parson　keenly；　but　gave　no　answer。

〃Have　there　ever　been　days　when　you'd　rather　have　done　wrong　than　right？〃

〃Yes；　there　have　been　such　dayswhen　I　was　young　and　wild。〃　The　confession　was　reluctant。

〃Have　you　ever　had　a　trouble；　and　everybody　around　you　fell　upon　you　in　the　belief　that　it　was　something　else？〃

〃That　has　happened　to　meI　suppose　to　all　of　us。〃

〃Were　you　greatly　helped　by　their　misunderstanding　you？〃

〃I　can't　say　that　I　was。〃

〃You　would　have　been　glad　for　them　to　know　the　truth；　but　you　didn't　choose　to　tell　them？〃

〃Yes；　I　have　gone　through　such　an　experience。〃

〃So　that　their　sympathy　was　in　effect　ridiculous？〃

〃That　is　true　also。〃

〃If　you　have　been　through　all　this；〃　said　John　conclusively；　〃then　without　knowing　anything　more；　you　can　understand　why　I　am　not　like　myself；　as　you　say；　and　haven't　been　lately。〃

The　parson　moved　his　chair　over　beside　the　school…master's　and　took　one　of　his　hands　in　both　of　his　own；　drawing　it　into　his　lap。

〃John；〃　he　said　with　affection；　〃I've　been　wrong：　forgive　me！　And　I　can　respect　your　silence。　But　don't　let　anything　come　between　us　and　keep　it　from　me。　One　question　now　on　this　our　last　Sunday　night　together：　Have　you　anything　against　me　in　this　world？〃

〃Not　one　thing！　Have　you　anything　against　me？〃

〃Not　one　thing！〃

Neither　spoke　for　a　while。　　Then　the　parson　resumed：

〃I　not　only　have　nothing　against　you；　but　I've　something　to　say；　we　might　never　meet　hereafter。　You　remember　the　woman　who　broke　the　alabaster　box　for　the　feet　of　the　Saviour　while　he　was　livingthat　most　beautiful　of　all　the　appreciations？　And　you　know　what　we　do？　Let　our　fellow…beings　carry　their　crosses　to　their　Calvarys；　and　after　each　has　suffered　his　agony　and　entered　into　his　peace；　we　go　out　to　him　and　break　our　alabaster　boxes　above　his　stiff　cold　feet。　I　have　always　hoped　that　my　religion　might　enable　me　to　break　my　alabaster　box　for　the　living　who　alone　can　need　itand　who　always　do　need　it。　Here　is　mine　for　your　feet；　John：　Of　all　the　men　I　have　ever　known；　you　are　the　most　sincere；　of　them　all　I　would　soonest　pick　upon　you　to　do　what　is　right；　of　them　all　you　have　the　cleanest　face；　because　you　have　the　most　innocent　heart；　of　them　all　you　have　the　highest　notions　of　what　a　man　may　do　and　be　in　this　life。　I　have　drawn　upon　your　strength　ever　since　I　knew　you。　　You　have　a　great　deal。　It　is　fortunate；　you　will　need　a　great　deal；　for　the　world　will　always　be　a　battle…field　to　you；　but　the　victory　will　be　worth　the　fighting。　And　my　last　words　to　you　are：　fight　it　out　to　the　end；　don't　compromise　with　evil；　don't　lower　your　ideals　or　your　aims。　　If　it　can　be　any　help　to　you　to　know　it；　I　shall　always　be　near　you　in　spirit　when　you　are　in　trouble；　if　you　ever　need　me；　I　will　come；　and　if　my　poor　prayers　can　ever　bring　you　a　blessing；　you　shall　have　that。〃

The　parson　turned　his　calm　face　up　toward　the　firmament　and　tears　glistened　in　his　eyes。　Then　perhaps　from　the　old　habit　and　need　of　following　a　sermon　with　a　hymn；　he　said　quite　simply：

〃Would　you　like　a　little　music？　It　is　the　Good…bye　of　the　Flute　to　you　and　a　pleasant　journey。〃

The　school…master's　head　had　dropped　quickly　upon　his　arms；　which　were　crossed　over　the　back　of　his　chair。　While　the　parson　was　praising　him；　he　had　put　out　his　hand　two　or　three　times　with　wretched；　imploring　gestures。　Keeping　his　face　still　hidden；　he　moved　his　head　now　in　token　of　assent；　and　out　upon　the　stillness　of　the　night　floated　the　Farewell　of　the　Flute。

But　no　sermon；　nor　friendship；　nor　music；　nor　voice　of　conscience；　nor　voice　of　praise；　nor　ideals；　nor　any　other　earthly　thing　could　stand　this　day　against　the　evil　that　was　in　him。　The　parson　had　scarce　gone　away　through　the　misty　beams　before　he　sprang　up　and　seized　his　hat。

There　was　no　fog　out　on　the　clearing。　He　could　not　have　said　why　he　had　come。　He　only　knew　that　he　was　there　in　the　garden　where　he　had　parted　from　her　the　day　before。　He　sat　on　the　bench　where　they　had　talked　so　often；　he　strolled　among　her　plants。　How　clear　in　the　moonlight　every　leaf　of　the　dark　green　little　things　was；　many　of　them　holding　white　drops　of　dew　on　their　tips　and　edges！　How　plain　the　last　shoe…prints　where　she　had　worked！　How　peaceful　the　whole　scene　in　every　direction；　how　sacredly　at　rest！　And　the　cabin　up　there　at　the　end　of　the　garden　where　they　were　sleeping　side　by　sidehow　the　moon　poured　its　strongest　light　upon　that：　his　eye　could　never　get　away　from　it。　So　closely　a　man　might　live　with　a　woman　in　this　seclusion！　So　entirely　she　must　be　his！

His　passions　leaped　like　dogs　against　their　chains　when　brought　too　near。　They　began　to　draw　him　toward　the　cabin　until　at　last　he　had　come　opposite　to　it；　his　figure　remaining　hidden　behind　the　fence　and　under　the　heavy　shadow　of　a　group　of　the　wilderness　trees。　Then　it　was　that　taking　one　step　further；　he　drew　back。

The　low　window　of　the　cabin　was　open　and　she　was　sitting　there　near　the　foot　of　her　bed；　perfectly　still　and　looking　out　into　the　night。　Her　face　rested　in　one　palm；　her　elbow　on　the　window　sill。　Her　nightgown　had　slipped　down　from　her　arm。　The　only　sleepless　thing　in　all　the　peace　of　that　summer　night：　the　yearning　image　of　mated　loneliness。

He　was　so　close　that　he　could　hear　the　loud　regular　breathing　of　a　sleeper　on　the　bed　just　inside　the　shadow。　Once　the　breathing　stopped　abruptly；　and　a　moment　later；　as　though　in　reply　to　a　command；　he　heard　her　say　without　turning　her　head：

〃I　am　coming！〃

The　voice　was　sweet　and　dutiful；　but　to　an　ear　that　could　have　divined　everything；　so　dead　worn　away　with　weariness。

Then　he　saw　an　arm　put　forth。　Then　he　heard　the　shutter　being　fastened　on　the　inside。


XIX

THE　closing　day　of　school　had　come；　and　although　he　had　waited　in　impatience　for　the　end；　it　was　with　a　lump　in　his　throat　that　he　sat　behind　the　desk　and　ruler　for　the　last　time　and　looked　out　on　the　gleeful　faces　of　the　children。　No　more　toil　and　trouble　between　them　and　him　from　this　time　on；　a　dismissal；　and　as　far　as　he　was　concerned　the　scattering　of　the　huddled　lambkins　to　the　wide　pastures　and　long　cold　mountain　sides　of　the　world。　He　had　grown　so　fond　of　them　and　he　had　grown　so　used　to　teach　them　by　talking　to　them；　that　his　speech　overflowed。　But　it　had　been　his　unbroken　wont　to　keep　his　troubles　out　of　the　schoolroom；　and　although　the　thought　never　left　him　of　the　other　parting　to　be　faced　that　day；　he　spoke　out　bravely　and　cheerily；　with　a　smile：

〃This　is　the　last　day　of　school；　and　you　know　that　to…morrow　I　am　going　away　and　may　never　come　back。　Whether　I　do　or　not；　I　shall　never　teach　again；　so　that　I　am　now　saying　good…bye　to　you　for　life。

〃What　I　wish　to　impress　upon　you　once　more　is　the　kind　of　men　and　women　your　fathers　and　mothers　were　and　the　kind　of　men　and　women　you　must　become　to　be