grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第4部分
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42。 By these things my mind was now so turned； that it lay like an horse…leech at the vein； still crying out； GIVE； GIVE； Prov。 xxx。 15； yea； it was so fixed on eternity； and on the things about the kingdom of heaven （that is； so far as I knew； though as yet； God knows； I knew but little）； that neither pleasures； nor profits； nor persuasions； nor threats； could loose it； or make it let go its hold； and though I may speak it with shame； yet it is in very deed； a certain truth； it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to earth； as I have found it often since； to get again from earth to heaven。
43。 One thing I may not omit： There was a young man in our town； to whom my heart before was knit； more than to any other； but he being a most wicked creature for cursing； and swearing； and whoreing； I now shook him off； and forsook his company； but about a quarter of a year after I had left him； I met him in a certain lane； and asked him how he did： he； after his old swearing and mad way； answered； he was well。 But； Harry； said I； WHY DO YOU CURSE AND SWEAR THUS？ WHAT WILL BECOME OF YOU； IF YOU DIE IN THIS CONDITION？ He answered me in a great chafe； WHAT WOULD THE DEVIL DO FOR COMPANY； IF IT WERE NOT FOR SUCH AS I AM？
44。 About this time I met with some Ranters' books； that were put forth by some of our countrymen； which books were also highly in esteem by several old professors； some of these I read； but was not able to make any judgment about them； wherefore as I read in them； and thought upon them （seeing myself unable to judge）； I would betake myself to hearty prayer in this manner。 O LORD； I AM A FOOL； AND NOT ABLE TO KNOW THE TRUTH FROM ERROR： LORD； LEAVE ME NOT TO MY OWN BLINDNESS； EITHER TO APPROVE OF OR CONDEMN THIS DOCTRINE； IF IT BE OF GOD； LET ME NOT DESPISE IT； IF IT BE OF THE DEVIL； LET ME NOT EMBRACE IT。 LORD； I LAY MY SOUL IN THIS MATTER ONLY AT THY FOOT； LET ME NOT BE DECEIVED； I HUMBLY BESEECH THEE。 I had one religious intimate companion all this while； and that was the poor man I spoke of before； but about this time； he also turned a most devilish Ranter； and gave himself up to all manner of filthiness； especially uncleanness： he would also deny that there was a God； angel； or spirit； and would laugh at all exhortations to sobriety； when I laboured to rebuke his wickedness he would laugh the more； and pretend that he had gone through all religions； and could never light on the right till now。 He told me also； that in a little time I should see all professors turn to the ways of the Ranters。 Wherefore； abominating those cursed principles； I left his company forthwith； and became to him as great a stranger； as I had been before a familiar。
45。 Neither was this man only a temptation to me； but my calling lying in the country； I happened to light into several people's company； who though strict in religion formerly； yet were also swept away by these Ranters。 These would also talk with me of their ways； and condemn me as legal and dark； pretending that they only had attained to perfection； that could do what they would and not sin。 Oh！ these temptations were suitable to my flesh； I being but a young man and my nature in its prime； but God； who had； as I hoped； designed me for better things； kept me in the fear of His name； and did not suffer me to accept such cursed principles。 And blessed be God； Who put it into my heart to cry to Him to be kept and directed； still distrusting my own wisdom； for I have since seen even the effects of that prayer； in His preserving me； not only from Ranting errors； but from those also that have sprung up since。 The Bible was precious to me in those days。
46。 And now methought； I began to look into the Bible with new eyes； and read as I never did before； and especially the epistles of the apostle St Paul were sweet and pleasant to me； and indeed I was then never out of the Bible； either by reading or meditation； still crying out to God； that I might know the truth； and way to heaven and glory。
47。 And as I went on and read； I lighted upon that passage； TO ONE IS GIVEN； BY THE SPIRIT； THE WORD OF WISDOM； TO ANOTHER THE WORD KNOWLEDGE BY THE SAME SPIRIT； AND TO ANOTHER FAITH； etc。 1 Cor。 xii。 And though； as I have since seen； that by this scripture the Holy Ghost intends； in special； things extraordinary； yet on me it did then fasten with conviction； that I did want things ordinary； even that understanding and wisdom that other Christians had。 On this word I mused； and could not tell what to do； especially this word 'Faith' put me to it； for I could not help it； but sometimes must question； whether I had any faith； or no； but I was loath to conclude； I had no faith； for if I do so； thought I； then I shall count myself a very cast…away indeed。
48。 No； said I； with myself； though I am convinced that I am an ignorant sot； and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding that other people have； yet at a venture I will conclude； I am not altogether faithless； though I know not what faith is； for it was shewn me； and that too （as I have seen since） by Satan； that those who conclude themselves in a faithless state； have neither rest nor quiet in their souls； and I was loath to fall quite into despair。
49。 Wherefore by this suggestion I was； for a while； made afraid to see my want of faith； but God would not suffer me thus to undo and destroy my soul； but did continually； against this my sad and blind conclusion； create still within me such suppositions； insomuch that I could not rest content； until I did now come to some certain knowledge； whether I had faith or no； this always running in my mind； BUT HOW IF YOU WANT FAITH INDEED？ BUT HOW CAN YOU TELL YOU HAVE FAITH？ And besides； I saw for certain； if I had not； I was sure to perish for ever。
50。 So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the business of Faith； yet in a little time； I better considering the matter； was willing to put myself upon the trial whether I had faith or no。 But alas； poor wretch！ so ignorant and brutish was I； that I knew not to this day no more how to do it； than I know how to begin and accomplish that rare and curious piece of art； which I never yet saw or considered。
51。 Wherefore while I was thus considering； and being put to my plunge about it （for you must know； that as yet I had in this matter broken my mind to no man； only did hear and consider）； the tempter came in with this delusion； THAT THERE WAS NO WAY FOR ME TO KNOW I HAD FAITH； BUT BY TRYING TO WORK SOME MIRACLE； urging those scriptures that seem to look that way； for the enforcing and strengthening his temptation。 Nay； one day； as I was between ELSTOW and BEDFORD； the temptation was hot upon me； to try if I had faith； by doing some miracle； which miracle at this time was this； I must say to the PUDDLES that were in the horsepads； BE DRY； and to the DRY PLACES； BE YOU PUDDLES： and truly one time I was going to say so indeed； but just as I was about to speak； this thought came into my mind； BUT GO UNDER YONDER HEDGE AND PRAY FIRST； THAT GOD WOULD MAKE YOU ABLE。 But when I had concluded to pray； this came hot upon me； That if I prayed； and came again and tried to do it； and yet did nothing notwithstanding； then to be sure I had no faith； but was a cast…away； and lost； nay； thought I； if it be so； I will not try yet； but will stay a little longer。
52。 So I continued at a great loss； for I thought； if they only had faith； which could do so wonderful things； then I concluded； that for the present I neither had it； nor yet for the time to come； were ever like to have it。 Thus I was tossed betwixt the devil and my own ignorance； and so perplexed； especially at some times； that I could not tell what to do。
53。 About this time； the state and happiness of these poor people at Bedford was thus； IN A KIND OF A VISION； presented to me； I saw as if they were on the sunny side of some high mountain； there refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun； while I was shivering and shrinking in the cold； afflicted with frost； snow and dark clouds： methought also； betwixt me and them； I saw a wall that did compass about this mountain； now through this wall my soul did greatly desire to pass； concluding； that if I could； I would even go into the very midst of them； and there also comfort myself with the heat of their sun。
54。 About this wall I bethought myself； to go again and again； still prying as I went； to see if I could find some way or passage； by which I might enter therein： but none could I find for some time： at the last； I saw； as it were； a narrow gap； like a little door…way in the wall； through which I attempted to pass： Now the passage being very strait and narrow； I made many offers to get in； but all in vain； even until I was well…nigh quite beat out； by striving to get in； at last； with great striving； methought I at first did get in my head； and after that； by a sideling striving； my shoulders； and my whole body； then I was exceeding glad； went and sat down in the midst of them； and so was comforted with the light and heat of their sun。
55。 Now this mountain； and wall； etc。； was thus made out to me： The mountain signified the church of the living God： the sun that shone thereon； the comfortable shining of His merciful face on them that were therein； the wall I thought was the word； that did make separation between the Christians and the world； and the gap which was in the wall； I thought； was Jesus Christ； Who is the way to God the Father。 John xiv。 6； Matt。 vii。 14。 But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow； even so narrow that I could not； but with great difficulty； enter in thereat； it showed me； that none could enter into life； but those that were in downright earnest； and unless also they left that wicked world behind them； for here was only room for body and soul； but not for body and soul and sin。
56。 This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days； all which time I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition； but yet was provoked to a vehement hunger and desi
