father and son-第39部分

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ences。　One　never　knew　how　awkwardly　they　might　develop　or　to　what　disturbing　excesses　of　zeal　they　might　precipitously　lead。　I　was　on　my　guard　against　my　Father；　who　was；　all　the　time；　only　too　openly　yearning　that　I　should　approach　him　for　help；　for　comfort；　for　ghostly　counsel。　Still　'delicate'；　though　steadily　gaining　in　solidity　of　constitution；　I　was　liable　to　severe　chills　and　to　fugitive　neuralgic　pangs。　My　Father　was；　almost　maddeningly；　desirous　that　these　afflictions　should　be　sanctified　to　me；　and　it　was　in　my　bed；　often　when　I　was　much　bowed　in　spirit　by　indisposition；　that　he　used　to　triumph　over　me　most　pitilessly。　He　retained　the　singular　superstition；　amazing　in　a　man　of　scientific　knowledge　and　long　human　experience；　that　all　pains　and　ailments　were　directly　sent　by　the　Lord　in　chastisement　for　some　definite　fault；　and　not　in　relation　to　any　physical　cause。　The　result　was　sometimes　quite　startling；　and　in　particular　I　recollect　that　my　stepmother　and　I　exchanged　impressions　of　astonishment　at　my　Father's　action　when　Mrs。　Goodyer；　who　was　one　of　the　'Saints'　and　the　wife　of　a　young　journeyman　cobbler；　broke　her　leg。　My　Father；　puzzled　for　an　instant　as　to　the　meaning　of　this　accident；　since　Mrs。　Goodyer　was　the　gentlest　and　most　inoffensive　of　our　church　members；　decided　that　it　must　be　because　she　had　made　an　idol　of　her　husband；　and　he　reduced　the　poor　thing　to　tears　by　standing　at　her　bed…side　and　imploring　the　Holy　Spirit　to　bring　this　sin　home　to　her　conscience。

When；　therefore；　I　was　ill　at　home　with　one　of　my　trifling　disorders；　the　problem　of　my　spiritual　state　always　pressed　violently　upon　my　Father；　and　this　caused　me　no　little　mental　uneasiness。　He　would　appear　at　my　bedside；　with　solemn　solicitude；　and　sinking　on　his　knees　would　earnestly　pray　aloud　that　the　purpose　of　the　Lord　in　sending　me　this　affliction　might　graciously　be　made　plain　to　me；　and　then；　rising；　and　standing　by　my　pillow；　he　would　put　me　through　a　searching　spiritual　inquiry　as　to　the　fault　which　was　thus　divinely　indicated　to　me　as　observed　and　reprobated　on　high。

It　was　not　on　points　of　moral　behaviour　that　he　thus　cross…　examined　me；　I　think　he　disdained　such　ignoble　game　as　that。　But　uncertainties　of　doctrine；　relinquishment　of　faith　in　the　purity　of　this　dogma　or　of　that；　lukewarm　zeal　in　'taking　up　the　cross　of　Christ'；　growth　of　intellectual　pride；such　were　the　insidious　offences　in　consequence　of　which；　as　he　supposed；　the　cold　in　the　head　or　the　toothache　had　been　sent　as　heavenly　messengers　to　recall　my　straggling　conscience　to　its　plain　path　of　duty。

What　made　me　very　uncomfortable　on　these　occasions　was　my　consciousness　that　confinement　to　bed　was　hardly　an　affliction　at　all。　It　kept　me　from　the　boredom　of　school；　in　a　fire…lit　bedroom　at　home；　with　my　pretty；　smiling　stepmother　lavishing　luxurious　attendance　upon　me；　and　it　gave　me　long；　unbroken　days　for　reading。　I　was　awkwardly　aware　that　I　simply　had　not　the　effrontery　to　'approach　the　Throne　of　Grace'　with　a　request　to　know　for　what　sin　I　was　condemned　to　such　a　very　pleasant　disposition　of　my　hours。

The　current　of　my　life　ran；　during　my　schooldays；　most　merrily　and　fully　in　the　holidays；　when　I　resumed　my　outdoor　exercises　with　those　friends　in　the　village　of　whom　I　have　spoken　earlier。　I　think　they　were　more　refined　and　better　bred　than　any　of　my　schoolfellows；　at　all　events　it　was　among　these　homely　companions　alone　that　I　continued　to　form　congenial　and　sympathetic　relations。　In　one　of　these　boys；one　of　whom　I　have　heard　or　seen　nothing　now　for　nearly　a　generation；I　found　tastes　singularly　parallel　to　my　own；　and　we　scoured　the　horizon　in　search　of　books　in　prose　and　verse；　but　particularly　in　verse。

As　I　grew　stronger　in　muscle；　I　was　capable　of　adding　considerably　to　my　income　by　an　exercise　of　my　legs。　I　was　allowed　money　for　the　railway　ticket　between　the　town　where　the　school　lay　and　the　station　nearest　to　my　home。　But；　if　I　chose　to　walk　six　or　seven　miles　along　the　coast；　thus　more　than　halving　the　distance　by　rail　from　school　house　to　home；　I　might　spend　as　pocket　money　the　railway　fare　I　thus　saved。　Such　considerable　sums　I　fostered　in　order　to　buy　with　them　editions　of　the　poets。　These　were　not　in　those　days；　as　they　are　now；　at　the　beck　and　call　of　every　purse；　and　the　attainment　of　each　little　masterpiece　was　a　separate　triumph。　In　particular　I　shall　never　forget　the　excitement　of　reaching　at　length　the　exorbitant　price　the　bookseller　asked　for　the　only；　although　imperfect；　edition　of　the　poems　of　S。　T。　Coleridge。　At　last　I　could　meet　his　demand；　and　my　friend　and　I　went　down　to　consummate　the　solemn　purchase。　Coming　away　with　our　treasure；　we　read　aloud　from　the　orange　coloured　volume；　in　turns；　as　we　strolled　along；　until　at　last　we　sat　down　on　the　bulging　root　of　an　elm　tree　in　a　secluded　lane。　Here　we　stayed；　in　a　sort　of　poetical　nirvana；　reading；　reading；　forgetting　the　passage　of　time；　until　the　hour　of　our　neglected　mid…day　meal　was　a　long　while　past；　and　we　had　to　hurry　home　to　bread　and　cheese　and　a　scolding。

There　was　occasionally　some　trouble　about　my　reading；　but　now　not　much　nor　often。　I　was　rather　adroit；　and　careful　not　to　bring　prominently　into　sight　anything　of　a　literary　kind　which　could　become　a　stone　of　stumbling。　But；　when　I　was　nearly　sixteen；　I　made　a　purchase　which　brought　me　into　sad　trouble；　and　was　the　cause　of　a　permanent　wound　to　my　self…respect。　I　had　long　coveted　in　the　bookshop　window　a　volume　in　which　the　poetical　works　of　Ben　Jonson　and　Christopher　Marlowe　were　said　to　be　combined。　This　I　bought　at　length；　and　I　carried　it　with　me　to　devour　as　I　trod　the　desolate　road　that　brought　me　along　the　edge　of　the　cliff　on　Saturday　afternoons。　Of　Ben　Jonson　I　could　make　nothing；　but　when　I　turned　to　'Hero　and　Leander'；　I　was　lifted　to　a　heaven　of　passion　and　music。　It　was　a　marvellous　revelation　of　romantic　beauty　to　me；　and　as　I　paced　along　that　lonely　and　exquisite　highway；　with　its　immense　command　of　the　sea；　and　its　peeps　every　now　and　then；　through　slanting　thickets；　far　down　to　the　snow…　white　shingle；　I　lifted　up　my　voice；　singing　the　verses；　as　I　strolled　along：

Buskins　of　shells；　all　silver'd；　used　she；　And　branch'd　with　blushing　coral　to　the　knee；　Where　sparrows　perched；　of　hollow　pearl　and　gold；　Such　as　the　world　would　wonder　to　behold；

so　it　went　on；　and　I　thought　I　had　never　read　anything　so　lovely；

Amorous　Leander；　beautiful　and　young；　Whose　tragedy　divine　Musaeus　sung；

it　all　seemed　to　my　fancy　intoxicating　beyond　anything　I　had　ever　even　dreamed　of；　since　I　had　not　yet　become　acquainted　with　any　of　the　modern　romanticists。

When　I　reached　home；　tired　out　with　enthusiasm　and　exercise；　I　must　needs；　so　soon　as　I　had　eaten；　search　out　my　stepmother　that　she　might　be　a　partner　in　my　joys。　It　is　remarkable　to　me　now；　and　a　disconcerting　proof　of　my　still　almost　infantile　innocence；　that；　having　induced　her　to　settle　to　her　knitting；　I　began；　without　hesitation；　to　read　Marlowe's　voluptuous　poem　aloud　to　that　blameless　Christian　gentlewoman。　We　got　on　very　well　in　the　opening；　but　at　the　episode　of　Cupid's　pining；　my　stepmother's　needles　began　nervously　to　clash；　and　when　we　launched　on　the　description　of　Leander's　person；　she　interrupted　me　by　saying；　rather　sharply；　'Give　me　that　book；　please；　I　should　like　to　read　the　rest　to　myself。'　I　resigned　the　reading　in　amazement；　and　was　stupefied　to　see　her　take　the　volume；　shut　it　with　a　snap　and　hide　it　under　her　needlework。　Nor　could　I　extract　from　her　another　word　on　the　subject。

The　matter　passed　from　my　mind；　and　I　was　therefore　extremely　alarmed　when；　soon　after　my　going　to　bed　that　night；　my　Father　came　into　my　room　with　a　pale　face　and　burning　eyes；　the　prey　of　violent　perturbation。　He　set　down　the　candle　and　stood　by　the　bed；　and　it　was　some　time　before　he　could　resolve　on　a　form　of　speech。　Then　he　denounced　me；　in　unmeasured　terms；　for　bringing　into　the　house；　for　possessing　at　all　or　reading；　so　abominable　a　book。　He　explained　that　my　stepmother　had　shown　it　to　him；　and　that　he　had　looked　through　it；　and　had　burned　it。

The　sentence　in　his　tirade　which　principally　affected　me　was　this。　He　said；　'You　will　soon　be　leaving　us；　and　going　up　to　lodgings　in　London；　and　if　your　landlady　should　come　into　your　room；　and　find　such　a　book　lying　about；　she　would　immediately　set　you　down　as　a　profligate。'　I　did　not　understand　this　at　all；　and　it　seems　to　me　now　that　the　fact　that　I　had　so　very　simply　and　childishly　volunteered　to　read　the　verses　to　my　stepmother　should　have　proved　to　my　Father　that　I　connected　it　with　no　ideas　of　an　immoral　nature。

I　was　greatly　wounded　and　offended；　but　my　indignation　was　smothered　up　in　the　alarm　and　excitement　which　followed　the　news　that　I　was　to　go　up　to　live　in　lodgings；　and；　as　it　was　evident；　alone；　in　London。　Of　this　no　hint　or　whisper　had　previously　reached　me。　On　reflection；　I　can　but　admit　that　my　Father；　who　was　little　accustomed　to　seventeenth…century　literature；　must　have　come　across　some　startling　exposures　in　Ben　Jonson；　and　probably　never　reached　'Hero　and　Leander'　at　all。　The　artistic　effect　of　such　poetry　on　an　innocently　pagan　mind　did　not　come　within　the　circle　of　his　experience。　He　judged　the　outspoken　Elizabethan　poets；　no　doubt；　very　much　in　the　spirit　of　the　problematical　landlady。

Of　the　world　outside；　of　the　dim　wild　whirlpool　of　London；　I　was　much　afraid；　but　I　was　now　ready　to　be　willing　to　leave　the　narrow　Devonshire　circle；　to　see　the　last　of　the　red　mud；　of　the　dreary　village　street；　of　the　plethoric　elders；　to　hear　the　last　of　the　drawling　voices　of　the　'Saints'。　Yet　I　had　a　great　difficulty　in　persuading　myself　that　I　could　ever　be　happy　away　from　home；　and　again　I　compared　my　lot　with　that　of　one　of　the　speckled　soldier…crabs　that　roamed　about　in　my　Father's　aquarium；　dragging　after　them　great　whorl…shells。　They；　if　by　chance　they　were　turned　out　of　their　whelk…habitations；　trailed　about　a　pale　soft　body　in　search　of　another　house；　visibly　broken…hearted　and　the　victims　of　every　ignominious　accident。

My　spirits　were　divided　pathetically　between　the　wish　to　stay　on；　a　guarded　child；　and　to　proceed　into　the　world；　a　budding　man；　and；　in　my　utter　ignorance；　I　sought　in　vain　t