liber amoris-第5部分
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f the lodging is let； and to whom。 My letter to her is as follows。 If she shews the least remorse at it； I'll be hanged； though it might move a stone； I modestly think。 （See before； Part I。 first letter。）
N。B。I have begun a book of our conversations （I mean mine and the statue's） which I call LIBER AMORIS。 I was detained at Stamford and found myself dull； and could hit upon no other way of employing my time so agreeably。
LETTER II
Dear P； Here； without loss of time； in order that I may have your opinion upon it； is little Yes and No's answer to my last。
〃Sir； I should not have disregarded your injunction not to send you any more letters that might come to you； had I not promised the Gentleman who left the enclosed to forward it the earliest opportunity； as he said it was of consequence。 Mr。 P called the day after you left town。 My mother and myself are much obliged by your kind offer of tickets to the play； but must decline accepting it。 My family send their best respects； in which they are joined by
Yours； truly；
S。 L。
The deuce a bit more is there of it。 If you can make anything out of it （or any body else） I'll be hanged。 You are to understand； this comes in a frank； the second I have received from her； with a name I can't make out； and she won't tell me； though I asked her； where she got franks； as also whether the lodgings were let； to neither of which a word of answer。 * * * * is the name on the frank： see if you can decypher it by a Red…book。 I suspect her grievously of being an arrant jilt； to say no moreyet I love her dearly。 Do you know I'm going to write to that sweet rogue presently； having a whole evening to myself in advance of my work？ Now mark； before you set about your exposition of the new Apocalypse of the new Calypso； the only thing to be endured in the above letter is the date。 It was written the very day after she received mine。 By this she seems willing to lose no time in receiving these letters 〃of such sweet breath composed。〃 If I thought sobut I wait for your reply。 After all； what is there in her but a pretty figure； and that you can't get a word out of her？ Hers is the Fabian method of making love and conquests。 What do you suppose she said the night before I left her？
〃H。 Could you not come and live with me as a friend？
〃S。 I don't know： and yet it would be of no use if I did； you would always be hankering after what could never be！〃
I asked her if she would do so at oncethe very next day？ And what do you guess was her answer〃Do you think it would be prudent？〃 As I didn't proceed to extremities on the spot； she began to look grave； and declare off。 〃Would she live with me in her own houseto be with me all day as dear friends； if nothing more； to sit and read and talk with me？〃〃She would make no promises； but I should find her the same。〃〃Would she go to the play with me sometimes； and let it be understood that I was paying my addresses to her？〃〃She could not； as a habither father was rather strict； and would object。〃Now what am I to think of all this？ Am I mad or a fool？ Answer me to that； Master Brook！ You are a philosopher。
LETTER III
Dear Friend； I ought to have written to you before； but since I received your letter； I have been in a sort of purgatory； and what is worse； I see no prospect of getting out of it。 I would put an end to my torments at once； but I am as great a coward as I have been a dupe。 Do you know I have not had a word of answer from her since！ What can be the reason？ Is she offended at my letting you know she wrote to me； or is it some new affair？ I wrote to her in the tenderest； most respectful manner； poured my soul at her feet； and this is the return she makes me！ Can you account for it； except on the admission of my worst doubts concerning her？ Oh God！ can I bear after all to think of her so； or that I am scorned and made a sport of by the creature to whom I had given my whole heart？ Thus has it been with me all my life； and so will it be to the end of it！If you should learn anything； good or bad； tell me； I conjure you： I can bear anything but this cruel suspense。 If I knew she was a mere abandoned creature； I should try to forget her； but till I do know this； nothing can tear me from her； I have drank in poison from her lips too longalas！ mine do not poison again。 I sit and indulge my grief by the hour together； my weakness grows upon me； and I have no hope left； unless I could lose my senses quite。 Do you know I think I should like this？ To forget； ah！ to forgetthere would be something in thatto change to an idiot for some few years； and then to wake up a poor wretched old man； to recollect my misery as past； and die！ Yet； oh！ with her； only a little while ago； I had different hopes； forfeited for nothing that I know of！ * * * * * * If you can give me any consolation on the subject of my tormentor； pray do。 The pain I suffer wears me out daily。 I write this on the supposition that Mrs。 … may still come here； and that I may be detained some weeks longer。 Direct to me at the Post…office； and if I return to town directly as I fear； I will leave word for them to forward the letter to me in Londonnot at my old lodgings。 I will not go back there： yet how can I breathe away from her？ Her hatred of me must be great； since my love of her could not overcome it！ I have finished the book of my conversations with her； which I told you of： if I am not mistaken； you will think it very nice reading。
Yours ever。
Have you read Sardanapalus？ How like the little Greek slave； Myrrha； is to HER！
LETTER IV
（Written in the Winter）
My good Friend； I received your letter this morning； and I kiss the rod not only with submission； but gratitude。 Your reproofs of me and your defences of her are the only things that save my soul from perdition。 She is my heart's idol； and believe me those words of yours applied to the dear saint〃To lip a chaste one and suppose her wanton〃were balm and rapture to me。 I have LIPPED HER； God knows how often； and oh！ is it even possible that she is chaste； and that she has bestowed her loved 〃endearments〃 on me （her own sweet word） out of true regard？ That thought； out of the lowest depths of despair； would at any time make me strike my forehead against the stars。 Could I but think the love 〃honest；〃 I am proof against all hazards。 She by her silence makes my dark hour； and you by your encouragements dissipate it for twenty…four hours。 Another thing has brought me to life。 Mrs。 … is actually on her way here about the divorce。 Should this unpleasant business （which has been so long talked of） succeed； and I should become free； do you think S。 L。 will agree to change her name to …？ If she WILL； she SHALL； and to call her so to you； or to hear her called so by others； would be music to my ears； such as they never drank in。 Do you think if she knew how I love her； my depressions and my altitudes； my wanderings and my constancy； it would not move her？ She knows it all； and if she is not an INCORRIGIBLE； she loves me； or regards me with a feeling next to love。 I don't believe that any woman was ever courted more passionately than she has been by me。 As Rousseau said of Madame d'Houptot （forgive the allusion） my heart has found a tongue in speaking to her； and I have talked to her the divine language of love。 Yet she says； she is insensible to it。 Am I to believe her or you？ Youfor I wish it and wish it to madness； now that I am like to be free； and to have it in my power to say to her without a possibility of suspicion； 〃Sarah； will you be mine？〃 When I sometimes think of the time I first saw the sweet apparition； August 16； 1820； and that possibly she may be my bride before that day two years； it makes me dizzy with incredible joy and love of her。 Write soon。
LETTER V
My dear Friend； I read your answer this morning with gratitude。 I have felt somewhat easier since。 It shewed your interest in my vexations； and also that you know nothing worse than I do。 I cannot describe the weakness of mind to which she has reduced me。 This state of suspense is like hanging in the air by a single thread that exhausts all your strength to keep hold of it； and yet if that fails you； you have nothing in the world else left to trust to。 I am come back to Edinburgh about this cursed business； and Mrs。 … is coming from Montrose next week。 How it will end； I can't say； and don't care； except as it regards the other affair。 I should； I confess； like to have it in my power to make her the offer direct and unequivocal； to see how she'd receive it。 It would be worth something at any rate to see her superfine airs upon the occasion； and if she should take it into her head to turn round her sweet neck； drop her eye…lids； and say〃Yes； I will be yours！〃why then； 〃treason domestic； foreign levy； nothing could touch me further。〃 By Heaven！ I doat on her。 The truth is； I never had any pleasure； like love； with any one but her。 Then how can I bear to part with her？ Do you know I like to think of her best in her morning…gown and mob…capit is so she has oftenest come into my room and enchanted me！ She was once ill； pale； and had lost all her freshness。 I only adored her the more for it； and fell in love with the decay of her beauty。 I could devour the little witch。 If she had a plague…spot on her； I could touch the infection： if she was in a burning fever； I could kiss her； and drink death as I have drank life from her lips。 When I press her hand； I enjoy perfect happiness and contentment of soul。 It is not what she says or what she doesit is herself that I love。 To be with her is to be at peace。 I have no other wish or desire。 The air about her is serene； blissful； and he who breathes it is like one of the Gods！ So that I can but have her with me always； I care for nothing more。 I never could tire of her sweetness； I feel that I could grow to her； body and soul？ My heart； my heart is hers。
LETTER VI
（Written in May）
Dear P； What have I suffered since I parted with you！ A raging fire is in my heart and in my brain； that never quits me。 The steam…boat （which I foolishly ventured on board） seems a prison…house； a
