the complete works of artemus ward, part 5-第4部分

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


You　were　seen　last　Monday　in　Piccadilly　without　a　umbreller！　　I
said　then；　as　I　say　now；　any　young　man　as　venturs　out　in　a
uncertain　climit　like　this　without　a　umbreller；　lacks　foresight；
caution；　strength　of　mind　and　stability；　and　he　is　not　a　proper
person　to　intrust　a　daughter's　happiness　to。〃

I　slapt　the　old　gentleman　on　the　shoulder；　and　I　said：　　〃You're
right！　　You're　one　of　those　kind　of　men；　you　are〃

He　wheeled　suddenly　round；　and　in　a　indignant　voice；　said；　〃Go
waygo　way！　This　is　a　privit　intervoo。〃

I　didn't　stop　to　enrich　the　old　gentleman's　mind　with　my
conversation。　　I　sort　of　inferred　that　he　wasn't　inclined　to
listen　to　me；　and　so　I　went　on。　But　he　was　right　about　the
umbreller。　　I'm　really　delighted　with　this　grand　old　country；
〃Mr。　Punch；〃　but　you　must　admit　that　it　does　rain　rayther
numerously　here。　　Whether　this　is　owing　to　a　monerkal　form　of
gov'ment　or　not　I　leave　all　candid　and　onprejudiced　persons　to
say。

William　Shakspeare　was　born　in　Stratford　in　1564。　　All　the
commentaters；　Shaksperian　scholars；　etsetry；　are　agreed　on　this；
which　is　about　the　only　thing　they　are　agreed　on　in　regard　to
him；　except　that　his　mantle　hasn't　fallen　onto　any　poet　or
dramatist　hard　enough　to　hurt　said　poet　or　dramatist　MUCH。　　And
there　is　no　doubt　if　these　commentaters　and　persons　continner
investigating　Shakspeare's　career；　we　shall　not；　in　doo　time；
know　anything　about　it　at　all。

When　a　mere　lad　little　William　attended　the　Grammar　School；
because；　as　he　said；　the　Grammar　School　wouldn't　attend　him。
This　remarkable　remark；　comin　from　one　so　young　and　inexperunced；
set　peple　to　thinkin　there　might　be　somethin　in　this　lad。　　He
subsequently　wrote　〃Hamlet〃　and　〃George　Barnwell。〃　　When　his　kind
teacher　went　to　London　to　accept　a　position　in　the　offices　of　the
Metropolitan　Railway；　little　William　was　chosen　by　his　fellow
pupils　to　deliver　a　farewell　address。

〃Go　on；　Sir；〃　he　said；　〃in　a　glorus　career。　　Be　like　a　eagle；　and
soar　and　the　soarer　you　get　the　more　we　shall　all　be　gratified！
That's　so。〃

My　young　readers；　who　wish　to　know　about　Shakspeare；　better　get
these　vallyable　remarks　framed。

I　returned　to　the　hotel。　　Meetin　a　young　married　couple；　they
asked　me　if　I　could　direct　them　to　the　hotel　which　Washington
Irving　used　to　keep？

〃I've　understood　that　he　was　onsuccessful　as　a　lan'lord；〃　said
the　lady。

〃We've　understood；〃　said　the　young　man；　〃that　he　busted　up。〃

I　told　'em　I　was　a　stranger；　and　hurried　away。　　They　were　from　my
country；　and　ondoubtedly　represented　a　thrifty　Ile　well　somewhere
in　Pennsylvany。　It's　a　common　thing；　by　the　way；　for　a　old　farmer
in　Pennsylvany　to　wake　up　some　mornin'　and　find　ile　squirtin　all
around　his　back　yard。　　He　sells　out　for　'normous　price；　and　his
children　put　on　gorgeous　harness　and　start　on　a　tower　to　astonish
people。　　They　succeed　in　doin　it。　　Meantime　the　Ile　squirts　and
squirts；　and　Time　rolls　on。　　Let　it　roll。

A　very　nice　old　town　is　Stratford；　and　a　capital　inn　is　the　Red
Horse。　　Every　admirer　of　the　great　S。　must　go　there　once
certinly；　and　to　say　one　isn't　a　admirer　of　him；　is　equv'lent　to
sayin　one　has　jest　about　brains　enough　to　become　a　efficient
tinker。

Some　kind　person　has　sent　me　Chawcer's　〃poems。〃　　Mr。　C。　had
talent；　but　he　couldn't　spel。　　No　man　has　a　right　to　be　a
lit'rary　man　onless　he　knows　how　to　spel。　　It　is　a　pity　that
Chawcer；　who　had　geneyus；　was　so　unedicated。　　He's　the　wuss
speller　I　know　of。

I　guess　I'm　through；　and　so　I　lay　down　the　pen；　which　is　more
mightier　than　the　sword；　but　which　I'm　fraid　would　stand　a
rayther　slim　chance　beside　the　needle　gun。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Adoo！　　Adoo！
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Artemus　Ward。

5。5。　　IS　INTRODUCED　AT　THE　CLUB。


MR。　PUNCH；　My　dear　Sir；It　is　seldim　that　the　Commercial
relations　between　Great　Britain　and　the　United　States　is　mar'd
by　Games。

It　is　Commerce　after　all；　which　will　keep　the　two　countries
friendly　to'ards　each　other　rather　than　statesmen。

I　look　at　your　last　Parliament；　and　I　can't　see　that　a　single
speech　was　encored　during　the　entire　session。

Look　at　Congressbut　no；　I'd　rather　not　look　at　Congress。

Entertainin　this　great　regard　for　Commerce；　〃whose　sales　whiten
every　sea；〃　as　everybody　happily　observes　every　chance　he　gets；　I
learn　with　disgust　and　surprise　that　a　British　subjeck　bo't　a
Barril　of　Apple　Sass　in　America　recently；　and　when　he　arrove　home
he　found　under　a　few　deloosiv　layers　of　sass　nothin　but　sawdust。
I　should　have　instintly　gone　into　the　City　and　called　a　meetin　of
the　leadin　commercial　men　to　condemn　and　repudiate；　as　a
American；　this　gross　frawd；　if　I　hadn't　learned　at　the　same　time
that　the　draft　given　by　the　British　subjeck　in　payment　for　this
frawdylent　sass　was　drawed　onto　a　Bankin　House　in　London　which
doesn't　have　a　existance；　but　far　otherwise；　and　never　did。

There　is　those　who　larf　at　these　things；　but　to　me　they　merit
rebooks　and　frowns。

With　the　exception　of　my　Uncle　Wilyimwho；　as　I've　before
stated；　is　a　uncle　by　marrige　only；　who　is　a　low　cuss　and　filled
his　coat　pockets　with　pies　and　biled　eggs　at　his　weddin
breakfast；　given　to　him　by　my　father；　and　made　the　clergyman　as
united　him　a　present　of　my　father's　new　overcoat；　and　when　my
father　on　discoverin'　it　got　in　a　rage　and　denounced　him；　Uncle
Wilyim　said　the　old　man　（meanin　my　parent）　hadn't　any　idee　of
first　class　Humer！with　the　exception　of　this　wretched　Uncle　the
escutchin　of　my　fam'ly　has　never　been　stained　by　Games。　　The
little　harmless　deceptions　I　resort　to　in　my　perfeshion　I　do　not
call　Games。　　They　are　sacrifisses　to　Art。

I　come　of　a　very　clever　fam'ly。

The　Wards　is　a　very　clever　fam'ly　indeed。

I　believe　we　are　descendid　from　the　Puritins；　who　nobly　fled　from
a　land　of　despitism　to　a　land　of　freedim；　where　they　could　not
only　enjoy　their　own　religion；　but　prevent　everybody　else　from
enjoyin　HIS。

As　I　said　before；　we　are　a　very　clever　fam'ly。

I　was　strolling　up　Regent　Street　the　other　day；　thinkin　what　a
clever　fam'ly　I　come　of；　and　looking　at　the　gay　shop…winders。
I've　got　some　new　close　since　you　last　saw　me。　　I　saw　them　others
wouldn't　do。　　They　carrid　the　observer　too　far　back　into　the　dim
vister　of　the　past；　and　I　gave　'em　to　a　Orfun　Asylum。　　The　close
I　wear　now　I　bo't　of　Mr。　Moses；　in　the　Commercial　Road。　　They　was
expressly　made；　Mr。　Moses　inforemd　me；　for　a　nobleman；　but　as
they　fitted　him　too　muchly；　partic'ly　the　trows'rs　（which　is
blue；　with　large　red　and　white　checks）　he　had　said：

〃My　dear　feller；　make　me　some　more；　only　mindbe　sure　you　sell
these　to　some　genteel　old　feller。〃

I　like　to　saunter　thro'　Regent　Street。　　The　shops　are　pretty；　and
it　does　the　old　man's　hart　good　to　see　the　troops　of　fine　healthy
girls　which　one　may　always　see　there　at　certain　hours　in　the
afternoon；　who　don't　spile　their　beauty　by　devourin　cakes　and
sugar　things；　as　too　many　of　the　American　and　French　lasses　do。
It's　a　mistake　about　everybody　being　out　of　town；　I　guess。
Regent　Street　is　full。　　I'm　here；　and　as　I　said　before；　I　come　of
a　very　clever　fam'ly。

As　I　was　walkin　along；　amoosin　myself　by　stickin　my　penknife　into
the　calves　of　the　footmen　who　stood　waitin　by　the　swell…coaches
（not　one　of　whom　howled　with　angwish）；　I　was　accosted　by　a　man　of
about　thirty…five　summers；　who　said；　〃I　have　seen　that　face
somewheres　afore！〃

He　was　a　little　shabby　in　his　wearin　apparil。　　His　coat　was　one
of　those　black；　shiny　garments；　which　you　can　always　tell　have
been　burnished　by　adversity；　but　he　was　very　gentlemanly。

〃Was　it　in　the　Crimea；　comrade？　　Yes；　it　was。　　It　was　at　the
stormin　of　Sebastopol；　where　I　had　a　narrow　escape　from　death；
that　we　met。〃

I　said；　〃No；　I　wasn't　at　Sebastopol；　I　escaped　a　fatal　wound　by
not　bein　there。　　It　was　a　healthy　old　fortress；〃　I　added。

〃It　was。　　But　it　fell。　　It　came　down　with　a　crash。〃

〃And　plucky　boys　they　was　who　brought　her　down；〃　I　added；　〃and
hurrah　for　'em！〃

The　man　graspt　me　warmly　by　the　hand；　and　said　he　had　been　in
America；　Upper　Canada；　Africa；　Asia　Minor；　and　other　towns；　and
he'd　never　met　a　man　he　liked　as　much　as　he　did　me。

〃Let　us；〃　he　added；　〃let　us　to　the　shrine　of　Bachus！〃

And　he　dragged　me　into　a　public　house。　　I　was　determined　to　pay；
so　I　said；　〃Mr。　Bachus；　giv　this　gen'l'man　what　he　calls　for。〃

We　conversed　there　in　a　very　pleasant　manner　till　my　dinner…time
arrove；　when　the　agreeable　gentleman　insisted　that　I　should　dine
with　him。　　〃We'll　have　a　banquet；　Sir；　fit　for　the　gods！〃

I　told　him　good　plain　vittles　would　soot　me。　　If　the　gods　wanted
to　have　the　dispepsy；　they　was　welcome　to　it。

We　had　soop　and　fish；　and　a　hot　jint；　and　growsis；　and　wines　of
rare　and　costly　vintige。　　We　had　ices；　and　we　had　froots　from
Greenland's　icy　mountins　and　Injy's　coral　strands；　and　when　the
sumptoous　reparst　was　over；　the　agree'ble　man　said　he'd
unfortnitly　left　his　pocket…book　at　home　on　the　marble　centre…
table。

〃But；　by　Jove！〃　he　said；　〃it　was　a　feast　fit　for　the　gods！〃

I　said；　〃Oh；　never　mind；〃　and　drew　out　my　puss；　tho'　I　in'ardly
wished　the　gods；　as　the　dinner　was　fit　for　'em；　was　there　to　pay
for　it。

I　come　of　a　very　clever　fam'ly。

The　agree'ble　gentleman　then　said；　〃Now；　I　will　show　you　our
Club。　　It　dates　back　to　the　time　of　William　the　Conquerer。〃

〃Did　Bill　belong　to　it？〃　I　inquired。

〃He　did。〃

〃Wall；〃　I　said；　〃if　Billy　was　one　of　'em；　I　need　no　other
endorsement　as　to　its　respectfulness；　and　I'll　go　with　you；　my
gay　trooper　boy！〃　　And　we　went　off　arm…in…arm。

On　the　way　the　agree'ble　man　told　me　that　the　Club　was　called　the
Sloshers。　　He　said　I　would　notice　that　none　of　'em　appeared　in
evenin　dress。　　He　said　it　was　agin　the　rools　of　the　club。　　In
fack；　if　any　member　appeared　there　in　evenin　dress　he'd　be
instantly　expeld。　　〃And　yit；〃　he　added；　〃there's　geneyus　there；
and　lorfty　emotions；　and　intelleck。　　You'll　be　surprised　at　the
quantities　of　intelleck　you'll　see　there。〃

We　reached　the　Sloshers　in　due　time；　and　I　must　say　they　was　a
shaky…looking　lot；　and　the　public　house　where　they　convened　was
certingly　none　of　the　best。

The　Sloshers　crowded　round　me；　and　said　I　was　welcome。

〃What　a　beaut