the complete works of artemus ward, part 1-第11部分

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friends；　I　reckon　you'd　better　suspend　the　rules　and　git
married。〃

〃You　must　excoos　Brother　Uriah；〃　sed　the　female；　〃he's　subjeck　to
fits　and　hain't　got　no　command　over　hisself　when　he's　into　'em。〃

〃Sartinly；〃　sez　I；　〃I've　bin　took　that　way　myself　frequent。〃

〃You're　a　man　of　sin！〃　sed　the　Elder。

Arter　breakfust　my　little　Shaker　frends　cum　in　agin　to　clear　away
the　dishes。

〃My　pretty　dears；〃　sez　I；　〃shall　we　YAY　agin？〃

〃Nay；〃　they　sed；　and　I　NAY'D。

The　Shakers　axed　me　to　go　to　their　meetin；　as　they　was　to　hav
sarvices　that　mornin；　so　I　put　on　a　clean　biled　rag　and　went。
The　meetin　house　was　as　neat　as　a　pin。　　The　floor　was　white　as
chalk　and　smooth　as　glass。　　The　Shakers　was　all　on　hand；　in　clean
weskits　and　meal　bags；　ranged　on　the　floor　like　milingtery
companies；　the　mails　on　one　side　of　the　room　and　the　females　on
tother。　　They　commenst　clappin　their　hands　and　singin　and　dancin。
They　danced　kinder　slow　at　fust；　but　as　they　got　warmed　up　they
shaved　it　down　very　brisk；　I　tell　you。　　Elder　Uriah；　in
particler；　exhiberted　a　right　smart　chance　of　spryness　in　his
legs；　considerin　his　time　of　life；　and　as　he　cum　a　dubble　shuffle
near　where　I　sot；　I　rewarded　him　with　a　approvin　smile　and　sed：
〃Hunky　boy！　　Go　it；　my　gay　and　festiv　cuss！〃

〃You're　a　man　of　sin！〃　he　sed；　continnerin　his　shuffle。

The　Sperret；　as　they　called　it；　then　moved　a　short　fat　Shaker　to
say　a　few　remarks。　　He　sed　they　was　Shakers　and　all　was　ekal。
They　was　the　purest　and　Seleckest　peple　on　the　yearth。　　Other
peple　was　sinful　as　they　could　be；　but　Shakers　was　all　right。
Shakers　was　all　goin　kerslap　to　the　Promist　Land；　and　nobody　want
goin　to　stand　at　the　gate　to　bar　'em　out；　if　they　did　they'd　git
run　over。

The　Shakers　then　danced　and　sung　agin；　and　arter　they　was　threw；
one　of　'em　axed　me　what　I　thawt　of　it。

Sez　I；　〃What　duz　it　siggerfy？〃

〃What？〃　sez　he。

〃Why　this　jumpin　up　and　singin？　　This　long　weskit　bizniss；　and
this　anty…matrimony　idee？　　My　frends；　you　air　neat　and　tidy。
Your　lands　is　flowin　with　milk　and　honey。　　Your　brooms　is　fine；
and　your　apple　sass　is　honest。　　When　a　man　buys　a　keg　of　apple
sass　of　you　he　don't　find　a　grate　many　shavins　under　a　few　layers
of　sassa　little　Game　I'm　sorry　to　say　sum　of　my　New　Englan
ancesters　used　to　practiss。　　Your　garding　seeds　is　fine；　and　if　I
should　sow　'em　on　the　rock　of　Gibralter　probly　I　should　raise　a
good　mess　of　garding　sass。　　You　air　honest　in　your　dealins。　　You
air　quiet　and　don't　distarb　nobody。　　For　all　this　I　givs　you
credit。　　But　your　religion　is　small　pertaters；　I　must　say。　　You
mope　away　your　lives　here　in　single　retchidness；　and　as　you　air
all　by　yourselves　nothing　ever　conflicks　with　your　pecooler
idees；　except　when　Human　Nater　busts　out　among　you；　as　I
understan　she　sumtimes　do。　　＇I　giv　Uriah　a　sly　wink　here；　which
made　the　old　feller　squirm　like　a　speared　Eel。＇　　You　wear　long
weskits　and　long　faces；　and　lead　a　gloomy　life　indeed。　　No
children's　prattle　is　ever　hearn　around　your　harthstunsyou　air
in　a　dreary　fog　all　the　time；　and　you　treat　the　jolly　sunshine　of
life　as　tho'　it　was　a　thief；　drivin　it　from　your　doors　by　them
weskits；　and　meal　bags；　and　pecooler　noshuns　of　yourn。　　The　gals
among　you；　sum　of　which　air　as　slick　pieces　of　caliker　as　I　ever
sot　eyes　on；　air　syin　to　place　their　heds　agin　weskits　which
kiver　honest；　manly　harts；　while　you　old　heds　fool　yerselves　with
the　idee　that　they　air　fulfillin　their　mishun　here；　and　air
contented。　　Here　you　air　all　pend　up　by　yerselves；　talkin　about
the　sins　of　a　world　you　don't　know　nothin　of。　　Meanwhile　said
world　continners　to　resolve　round　on　her　own　axletree　onct　in
every　24　hours；　subjeck　to　the　Constitution　of　the　United　States；
and　is　a　very　plesant　place　of　residence。　　It's　a　unnatral；
onreasonable　and　dismal　life　you're　leadin　here。　　So　it　strikes
me。　　My　Shaker　frends；　I　now　bid　you　a　welcome　adoo。　　You　hav
treated　me　exceedin　well。　　Thank　you　kindly；　one　and　all。

〃A　base　exhibiter　of　depraved　monkeys　and　onprincipled　wax
works！〃　sed　Uriah。

〃Hello；　Uriah；〃　sez　I；　〃I'd　most　forgot　you。　　Wall；　look　out　for
them　fits　of　yourn；　and　don't　catch　cold　and　die　in　the　flour　of
your　youth　and　beauty。〃

And　I　resoomed　my　jerney。


1。4。　　HIGH…HANDED　OUTRAGE　AT　UTICA。

In　the　Faul　of　1856；　I　showed　my　show　in　Uticky；　a　trooly　grate
sitty　in　the　State　of　New　York。

The　people　gave　me　a　cordyal　recepshun。　　The　press　was　loud　in
her　prases。

1　day　as　I　was　givin　a　descripshun　of　my　Beests　and　Snaiks　in　my
usual　flowry　stile　what　was　my　skorn　disgust　to　see　a　big　burly
feller　walk　up　to　the　cage　containin　my　wax　figgers　of　the　Lord's
Last　Supper；　and　cease　Judas　Iscarrot　by　the　feet　and　drag　him
out　on　the　ground。　　He　then　commenced　fur　to　pound　him　as　hard　as
he　cood。

〃What　under　the　son　are　you　abowt？〃　cried　I。

Sez　he；　〃What　did　you　bring　this　pussylanermus　cuss　here　fur？〃
and　he　hit　the　wax　figger　another　tremenjis　blow　on　the　hed。

Sez　I；　〃You　egrejus　ass；　that　air's　a　wax　figgera
representashun　of　the　false　'Postle。〃

Sez　he；　〃That's　all　very　well　fur　you　to　say；　but　I　tell　you；　old
man；　that　Judas　Iscarrot　can't　show　hisself　in　Utiky　with
impunerty　by　a　darn　site！〃　with　which　observashun　he　kaved　in
Judassis　hed。　　The　young　man　belonged　to　1　of　the　first　famerlies
in　Utiky。　　I　sood　him；　and　the　Joory　brawt　in　a　verdick　of　Arson
in　the　3d　degree。


1。5。　　CELEBRATION　AT　BALDINSVILLE　IN　HONOR　OF　THE　ATLANTIC　CABLE。

Baldinsville；　Injianny；　Sep。　the　onct；　18&58。I　was　summund　home
from　Cinsinnaty　quite　suddin　by　a　lettur　from　the　Supervizers　of
Baldinsville；　sayin　as　how　grate　things　was　on　the　Tappis　in　that
air　town　in　refferunse　to　sellebratin　the　compleshun　of　the
Sub…Mershine　Tellergraph　&　axkin　me　to　be　Pressunt。　　Lockin　up　my
Kangeroo　and　wax　wurks　in　a　sekure　stile　I　took　my　departer　for
Baldinsville〃my　own；　my　nativ　lan；〃　which　I　gut　intwo　at　early
kandle　litin　on　the　follerin　night　&　just　as　the　sellerbrashun
and　illumernashun　ware　commensin。

Baldinsville　was　trooly　in　a　blaze　of　glory。　　Near　can　I　forgit
the　surblime　speckticul　which　met　my　gase　as　I　alited　from　the
Staige　with　my　umbreller　and　verlis。　　The　Tarvern　was　lit　up　with
taller　kandles　all　over　&　a　grate　bon　fire　was　burnin　in　frunt
thareof。　　A　Traspirancy　was　tied　onto　the　sine　post　with　the
follerin　wurds〃Giv　us　Liberty　or　Deth。〃　　Old　Tompkinsis　grosery
was　illumernated　with　5　tin　lantuns　and　the　follerin　Transpirancy
was　in　the　winder〃The　Sub…Mershine　Tellergraph　&　the
Baldinsville　and　Stonefield　Plank　Roadthe　2　grate　eventz　of　the
19th　centerrymay　intestines　strife　never　mar　their　grandjure。〃
Simpkinsis　shoe　shop　was　all　ablase　with　kandles　and　lantuns。　　A
American　Eagle　was　painted　onto　a　flag　in　a　winderalso　these
wurds；　viz。〃The　Constitooshun　must　be　Presarved。〃　　The　Skool
house　was　lited　up　in　grate　stile　and　the　winders　was　filld　with
mottoes　amung　which　I　notised　the　follerin〃Trooth　smashed　to
erth　shall　rize　aginYOU　CAN'T　STOP　HER。〃　　〃The　Boy　stood　on　the
Burnin　Deck　whense　awl　but　him　had　Fled。〃　　〃Prokrastinashun　is
the　theaf　of　Time。〃　　〃Be　virtoous　&　you　will　be　Happy。〃
〃Intemperunse　has　cawsed　a　heap　of　trubbleshun　the　Bole；〃　an
the　follerin　sentimunt　written　by　the　skool　master；　who　graduated
at　Hudson　Kollige：　　〃Baldinsville　sends　greetin　to　Her　Magisty
the　Queen；　&　hopes　all　hard　feelins　which　has　heretofore　previs
bin　felt　between　the　Supervizers　of　Baldinsville　and　the　British
Parlimunt；　if　such　there　has　been；　may　now　be　forever　wiped　frum
our　Escutchuns。　　Baldinsville　this　night　rejoises　over　the
gerlorious　event　which　sementz　2　grate　nashuns　onto　one　anuther
by　means　of　a　elecktric　wire　under　the　roarin　billers　of　the
Nasty　Deep。　　QUOSQUE　TANTRUM；　A　BUTTER；　CATERLINY；　PATENT
NOSTRUM！〃　　Squire　Smith's　house　was　lited　up　regardlis　of
expense。　　His　little　sun　William　Henry　stood　upon　the　roof　firin
orf　crackers。　　The　old　'Squire　hisself　was　dressed　up　in　soljer
clothes　and　stood　on　his　door…step；　pintin　his　sword　sollumly　to
a　American　flag　which　was　suspendid　on　top　of　a　pole　in　frunt　of
his　house。　　Frequiently　he　wood　take　orf　his　cocked　hat　&　wave　it
round　in　a　impressive　stile。　　His　oldest　darter　Mis　Isabeller
Smith；　who　has　just　cum　home　from　the　Perkinsville　Female
Instertoot；　appeared　at　the　frunt　winder　in　the　West　room　as　the
goddis　of　liberty；　&　sung　〃I　see　them　on　their　windin　way。〃
Booteus　1；　sed　I　to　myself；　you　air　a　angil　&　nothin　shorter。　N。
Boneparte　Smith；　the　'Squire's　oldest　sun；　drest　hisself　up　as
Venus　the　God　of　Wars　and　red　the　Decleration　of　Inderpendunse
from　the　left　chambir　winder。　　The　'Squire's　wife　didn't　jine　in
the　festiverties。　　She　sed　it　was　the　tarnulest　nonsense　she　ever
seed。　　Sez　she　to　the　'Squire；　〃Cum　into　the　house　and　go　to　bed
you　old　fool；　you。　　Tomorrer　you'll　be　goin　round　half…ded　with
the　rumertism　&　won't　gin　us　a　minit's　peace　till　you　get　well。〃
Sez　the　'Squire；　〃Betsy；　you　little　appresiate　the　importance　of
the　event　which　I　this　night　commererate。〃　　Sez　she；　〃Commemerate
a　cat's　tailcum　into　the　house　this　instant；　you　pesky　old
critter。〃　　〃Betsy；〃　sez　the　'Squire；　wavin　his　sword；　〃retire。〃
This　made　her　just　as　mad　as　she　could　stick。　　She　retired；　but
cum　out　agin　putty　quick　with　a　panfull　of　Bilin　hot　water　which
she　throwed　all　over　the　Squire；　&　Surs；　you　wood　have　split　your
sides　larfin　to　see　the　old　man　jump　up　and　holler　&　run　into　the
house。　　Except　this　unpropishus　circumstance　all　went　as　merry　as
a　carriage　bell；　as　Lord　Byrun　sez。　　Doctor　Hutchinsis　offiss　was
likewise　lited　up　and　a　Transpirancy；　on　which　was　painted　the
Queen　in　the　act　of　drinkin　sum　of　〃Hutchinsis　invigorater；〃　was
stuck　into　one　of　the　winders。　　The　Baldinsville　Bugle　of　Liberty
noospaper　offiss　was　also　illumernated；　&　the　follerin　mottoes
stuck　out〃The　Press　is　the　Arkermejian　leaver　which　moves　the
world。〃　　〃Vote　Early。〃　　〃Buckle　on　your　Armer。〃　　〃Now　is　the　time
to　Subscribe。〃　　〃Franklin；　Morse　&　Field。〃　　〃Terms　1。50　dollars　a
yearliberal　reducshuns　to　clubs。〃　　In　short　the　villige　of
Baldinsville　was　in　a　perfect　fewroar。　　I　never　seed　so　many
peple　thar　befour　in　my　born　days。　　Ile　not　attemp　to　describe
the　seens　of　th