the complete works of artemus ward, part 1-第16部分

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law…abidin　man；　and　beleeve　in　good；　old…fashioned　institutions。
I　am　marrid　&　my　orfsprings　resemble　me　if　I　am　a　showman！　　I
think　your　Affinity　bizniss　is　cussed　noncents；　besides　bein
outrajusly　wicked。　　Why　don't　you　behave　desunt　like　other
folks？　　Go　to　work　and　earn　a　honist　livin　and　not　stay　round
here　in　this　lazy；　shiftless　way；　pizenin　the　moral　atmosphere
with　your　pestifrous　ideas！　　You　wimin　folks　go　back　to　your
lawful　husbands　if　you've　got　any；　and　take　orf　them　skanderlous
gownds　and　trowsis；　and　dress　respectful　like　other　wimin。　　You
men　folks；　cut　orf　them　pirattercal　whiskers；　burn　up　them
infurnel　pamplits；　put　sum　weskuts　on；　go　to　work　choppin　wood；
splittin　fence　rales；　or　tillin　the　sile。〃　　I　pored　4th　my
indignashun　in　this　way　till　I　got　out　of　breth；　when　I　stopt。
I　shant　go　to　Berlin　Hites　agin；　not　if　I　live　to　be　as　old
as　Methooseler。


1。15。　　A　VISIT　TO　BRIGHAM　YOUNG。

It　is　now　goin　on　2　（too）　yeres；　as　I　very　well　remember；　since
I　crossed　the　Planes　for　Kaliforny；　the　Brite　land　of　Jold。
While　crossin　the　Planes　all　so　bold　I　fell　in　with　sum　noble
red　men　of　the　forest　（N。B。　　This　is　rote　Sarcasticul。　　Injins
is　Pizin；　whar　ever　found；）　which　thay　Sed　I　was　their　Brother；
&　wanted　for　to　smoke　the　Calomel　of　Peace　with　me。　　Thay　then
stole　my　jerkt　beef；　blankits；　etsettery；　skalpt　my　orgin
grinder　&　scooted　with　a　Wild　Hoop。　　Durin　the　Cheaf's　techin
speech　he　sed　he　shood　meet　me　in　the　Happy　Huntin　Grounds。　　If
he　duz　thare　will　be　a　fite。　　But　enuff　of　this　ere。　　〃Reven
Noose　Muttons；〃　as　our　skoolmaster；　who　has　got　Talent　into
him；　cussycally　obsarve。

I　arrove　at　Salt　Lake　in　doo　time。　　At　Camp　Scott　there　was　a
lot　of　U。S。　sogers；　hosstensibly　sent　out　there　to　smash　the
Mormons　but　really　to　eat　Salt　vittles　&　play　poker　&　other
beautiful　but　sumwhat　onsartin　games。　　I　got　acquainted　with
sum　of　the　officers。　　Thay　lookt　putty　scrumpshus　in　their
Bloo　coats　with　brass　buttings　onto　um　&　ware　very　talented
drinkers；　but　so　fur　as　fitin　is　consarned　I'd　willingly　put　my
wax　figgers　agin　the　hull　party。

My　desire　was　to　exhibit　my　grate　show　in　Salt　Lake　City；　so　I
called　on　Brigham　Yung；　the　grate　mogull　amung　the　mormins　and
axed　his　permishun　to　pitch　my　tent　and　onfurl　my　banner　to　the
jentle　breezis。　　He　lookt　at　me　in　a　austeer　manner　for　a　few
minits；　and　sed：

〃Do　you　bleeve　in　Solomon；　Saint　Paul；　the　immaculateness　of
the　Mormin　Church　and　the　Latter…day　Revelashuns？〃

Sez　I；　〃I'm　on　it！〃　　I　make　it　a　pint　to　git　along　plesunt；　tho
I　didn't　know　what　under　the　Son　the　old　feller　was　drivin　at。
He　sed　I　mite　show。

〃You　air　a　marrid　man；　Mister　Yung；　I　bleeve？〃　sez　I；　preparin
to　rite　him　sum　free　parsis。

〃I　hev　eighty　wives；　Mister　Ward。　　I　sertinly　am　married。〃

〃How　do　you　like　it　as　far　as　you　hev　got？〃　sed　I。

He　sed　〃middlin；〃　and　axed　me　wouldn't　I　like　to　see　his
famerly；　to　which　I　replide　that　I　wouldn't　mine　minglin　with
the　fair　Seck　&　Barskin　in　the　winnin　smiles　of　his　interestin
wives。　　He　accordingly　tuk　me　to　his　Scareum。　　The　house　is
powerful　big　&　in　a　exceedin　large　room　was　his　wives　&
children；　which　larst　was　squawkin　and　hollerin　enuff　to　take
the　roof　rite　orf　the　house。　　The　wimin　was　of　all　sizes　and
ages。　　Sum　was　pretty　&　sum　was　Planesum　was　helthy　and　sum
was　on　the　Waynewhich　is　verses；　tho　sich　was　not　my
intentions；　as　I　don't　'prove　of　puttin　verses　in　Proze
rittins；　tho　ef　occashun　requires　I　can　Jerk　a　Poim　ekal　to　any
of　them　Atlantic　Munthly　fellers。

〃My　wives；　Mister　Ward；〃　sed　Yung。

〃Your　sarvant；　marms；〃　sed　I；　as　I　sot　down　in　a　cheer　which　a
red…heded　female　brawt　me。

〃Besides　these　wives　you　see　here；　Mister　Ward；〃　sed　Yung；　〃I
hav　eighty　more　in　varis　parts　of　this　consecrated　land　which
air　Sealed　to　me。〃

〃Which？〃　sez　I；　gittin　up　&　starin　at　him。

〃Sealed；　Sir！　sealed。〃

〃Whare　bowts？〃　sez　I。

〃I　sed；　Sir；　that　they　was　sealed！〃　　He　spoke　in　a　traggerdy
voice。

〃Will　they　probly　continner　on　in　that　stile　to　any　grate
extent；　Sir？〃　I　axed。

〃Sir；〃　sed　he；　turnin　as　red　as　a　biled　beet；　〃don't　you　know
that　the　rules　of　our　Church　is　that　I；　the　Profit；　may　hev　as
meny　wives　as　I　wants？〃

〃Jes　so；〃　I　sed。　　〃You　are　old　pie；　ain't　you？〃

〃Them　as　is　Sealed　to　methat　is　to　say；　to　be　mine　when　I
wants　umair　at　present　my　sperretooul　wives；〃　sed　Mister
Yung。

〃Long　may　thay　wave！〃　sez　I；　seein　I　shood　git　into　a　scrape　ef
I　didn't　look　out。

In　a　privit　conversashun　with　Brigham　I　learnt　the　follerin
fax：　　It　takes　him　six　weeks　to　kiss　his　wives。　　He　don't　do　it
only　onct　a　yere　&　sez　it　is　wuss　nor　cleanin　house。　　He　don't
pretend　to　know　his　children；　thare　is　so　many　of　um；　tho　they
all　know　him。　　He　sez　about　every　child　he　meats　call　him　Par；
&　he　takes　it　for　grantid　it　is　so。　　His　wives　air　very
expensiv。　　Thay　allers　want　suthin　&　ef　he　don't　buy　it　for　um
thay　set　the　house　in　a　uproar。　　He　sez　he　don't　have　a　minit's
peace。　　His　wives　fite　amung　their　selves　so　much　that　he　has
bilt　a　fitin　room　for　thare　speshul　benefit；　&　when　too　of　'em
get　into　a　row　he　has　em　turnd　loose　into　that　place；　whare　the
dispoot　is　settled　accordin　to　the　rules　of　the　London　prize
ring。　　Sum　times　thay　abooz　hisself　individooally。　　Thay　hev
pulled　the　most　of　his　hair　out　at　the　roots　&　he　wares　meny　a
horrible　scar　upon　his　body；　inflicted　with　mop…handles；
broom…sticks；　and　sich。　　Occashunly　they　git　mad　&　scald　him
with　bilin　hot　water。　　When　he　got　eny　waze　cranky　thay'd　shut
him　up　in　a　dark　closit；　previsly　whippin　him　arter　the　stile
of　muthers　when　thare　orfsprings　git　onruly。　　Sumptimes　when　he
went　in　swimmin　thay'd　go　to　the　banks　of　the　Lake　&　steal　all
his　close；　thereby　compellin　him　to　sneek　home　by　a　sircootius
rowt；　drest　in　the　Skanderlus　stile　of　the　Greek　Slaiv。　　〃I
find　that　the　keers　of　a　marrid　life　way　hevy　onto　me；〃　sed　the
Profit；　〃&　sumtimes　I　wish　I'd　remaned　singel。〃　　I　left　the
Profit　and　startid　for　the　tavern　whare　I　put　up　to。　　On　my　way
I　was　overtuk　by　a　lurge　krowd　of　Mormons；　which　they
surroundid　me　&　statid　that　they　were　goin　into　the　Show　free。

〃Wall；〃　sez　I；　〃ef　I　find　a　individooal　who　is　goin　round
lettin　folks　into　his　show　free；　I'll　let　you　know。〃

〃We've　had　a　Revelashun　biddin　us　go　into　A。　Wards's　Show
without　payin　nothin！〃　thay　showtid。

〃Yes；〃　hollered　a　lot　of　femaile　Mormonesses；　ceasin　me　by　the
cote　tales　&　swingin　me　round　very　rapid；　〃we're　all　goin　in
free！　　So　sez　the　Revelashun！〃

〃What's　Old　Revelashun　got　to　do　with　my　show？〃　sez　I；　gittin
putty　rily。　　〃Tell　Mister　Revelashun；〃　sed　I；　drawin　myself　up
to　my　full　hite　and　lookin　round　upon　the　ornery　krowd　with　a
prowd　&　defiant　mean；　〃tell　Mister　Revelashun　to　mind　his　own
bizness；　subject　only　to　the　Konstitushun　of　the　United
States！〃

〃Oh　now　let　us　in；　that's　a　sweet　man；〃　sed　several　femails；
puttin　thare　arms　round　me　in　luvin　style。　　〃Become　1　of　us。
Becum　a　Preest　&　hav　wives　Sealed　to　you。〃

〃Not　a　Seal！〃　sez　I；　startin　back　in　horror　at　the　idee。

〃Oh　stay；　Sir；　stay；〃　sed　a　tell；　gawnt　femaile；　ore　whoos　hed
37　summirs　must　hev　parsd；　〃stay；　&　I'll　be　your　Jentle
Gazelle。〃

〃Not　ef　I　know　it；　you　won't；〃　sez　I。　〃Awa　you　skanderlus
femaile；　awa！　　Go　&　be　a　Nunnery！〃　　THAT'S　WHAT　I　SED；　JES　SO。

〃&　I；〃　sed　a　fat　chunky　femaile；　who　must　hev　wade　more　than
too　hundred　lbs；　〃I　will　be　your　sweet　gidin　Star！〃

Sez　I；　〃Ile　bet　two　dollers　and　a　half　you　won't！〃　　Whare　ear　I
may　Rome　Ile　still　be　troo　2　thee；　Oh　Betsy　Jane！　　＇N。B。　Betsy
Jane　is　my　wife's　Sir　naime。＇

〃Wiltist　thou　not　tarry　here　in　the　promist　Land？〃　sed　several
of　the　miserabil　critters。

〃Ile　see　you　all　essenshally　cussed　be4　I　wiltist！〃　roared　I；
as　mad　as　I　cood　be　at　thare　infernul　noncents。　　I　girdid　up　my
Lions　&　fled　the　Seen。　　I　packt　up　my　duds　&　Left　Salt　Lake；
which　is　a　2nd　Soddum　&　Germorrer；　inhabitid　by　as　theavin　&
onprincipled　a　set　of　retchis　as　ever　drew　Breth　in　eny　spot　on
the　Globe。


1。16。　　SCANDALOUS　DOINGS　AT　PITTSBURG。

Hear　in　the　Buzzum　of　my　famerly　I　am　enjoyin　myself；　at　peas
with　awl　mankind　and　the　wimin　folks　likewise。　　I　go　down　to
the　villige　ockashunly　and　take　a　little　old　Rye　fur　the
stummuck's　sake；　but　I　avoyd　spiritus　lickers　as　a　ginral
thing。　　No　man　evir　seen　me　intossikated　but　onct；　and　that　air
happind　in　Pittsburg。　　A　parsel　of　ornery　cusses　in　that　luvly
sity　bustid　inter　the　hawl　durin　the　nite　and　aboosed　my　wax
works　shaimful。　　I　didn't　obsarve　the　outrajus　transacshuns
ontil　the　next　evening　when　the　peple　begun　for　to　kongregate。
Suddinly　they　kommensed　fur　to　larf　and　holler　in　a　boysterious
stile。　　Sez　I　good　peple　what's　up？　Sez　thay　them's　grate　wax
wurks；　isn't　they；　old　man。　　I　immejitly　looked　up　ter　whare
the　wax　works　was；　and　my　blud　biles　as　I　think　of　the　site
which　then　met　my　Gase。　　I　hope　two　be　dodrabbertid　（Dod…rabit
is　an　American　euphemism　for　a　profane　expression　which　is
quite　as　common　in　this　country　as　on　the　other　side　of　the
Atlantic。）　if　them　afoursed　raskals　hadent　gone　and　put　a　old
kaved　in　hat　onter　George　Washington's　hed　and　shuved　a　short
black　klay　pipe　inter　his　mouth。　　His　noze　thay　had　painted　red
and　his　trowsis　legs　thay　had　shuved　inside　his　butes。　　My　wax
figger　of　Napoleon　Boneypart　was　likewise　mawltreatid。　　His
sword　wus　danglin　tween　his　legs；　and　his　cockd　hat　was　drawn
klean　down　over　his　ize；　and　he　was　plased　in　a　stoopin
posishun　lookin　zactly　as　tho　he　was　as　drunk　as　a　biled　owl。
Ginral　Taylor　was　a　standin　on　his　hed　and　Wingfield　Skott's
koat　tales　ware　pind　over　his　hed　and　his　trowsis　ware
kompleetly　torn　orf　frum　hisself。　　My　wax　works　representin　the
Lord's　Last　Supper　was　likewise　aboozed。　　Three　of　the　Postles
ware　under　the　table　and　two　of　um　had　on　old　tarpawlin　hats
and　raggid　pee　jackits　and　ware　smokin　pipes。　　Judus　Iskarriot
had　on　a　cocked　hat　and　was　appeerently　drinkin；　as　a　Bottle　of
whisky　sot　befour　him。　　This　ere　specktercal　was　too　much　fur
me。　　I　klosed　the　show　and　then　drowndid　my　sorrers　in　the
flowin　Bole。


1。17。　　THE　CENSUS。

The　Sences　taker　in　our　town　bein　taken　sick；　he　deppertised　me
to　go　out　for