the complete works of artemus ward, part 1-第2部分

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private　letter　from　Artemus　declares　his　fixed　purpose　to　leave
for　England　in　the　steamship　City　of　Boston　early　in　June；　and
the　probabilities　are　that　he　will　be　stepping　on　English　shores
just　about　the　time　that　these　pages　go　to　press。

Lest　anything　should　happen　to　him；　and　England　be　for　ever
deprived　of　seeing　him；　the　most　recent　production　of　his　pen；
together　with　two　or　three　of　his　best　things；　are　here　embalmed
for　preservation；　on　the　principle　adopted　by　the　affectionate
widow　of　the　bear…trainer　of　Perpignan。　　〃I　have　nothing　left；〃
said　the　woman；　〃I　am　absolutely　without　a　roof　to　shelter　me　and
the　poor　animal。〃　　〃Animal！〃　exclaimed　the　prefect；　〃you　don't
mean　to　say　that　you　keep　the　bear　that　devoured　your　husband？〃
〃Alas！〃　she　replied；　〃it　is　all　that　is　left　to　me　of　the　poor
dear　man！〃

If　any　other　excuse　be　needed　for　thus　presenting　the　British
public　with　A。　Ward's　〃last；〃　in　addition　to　the　pertinency　of
the　article　and　its　real　merit；　that　excuse　may　be　found　in　the
fact　that　it　is　thoroughly　new　to　readers　on　this　side　of　the
Atlantic。

The　general　public　will　undoubtedly　receive　〃Artemus　Ward　among
the　Fenians〃　with　approving　laughter。　　Should　it　fall　into　the
hands　of　a　philo…Fenian　the　effect　may　be　different。　　To　him　it
would　probably　have　the　wrong　action　of　the　Yankee　bone…picking
machine。

〃I've　got　a　new　machine；〃　said　a　Yankee　pedlar；　〃for　picking
bones　out　of　fish。　　Now；　I　tell　you；　it's　a　leetle　bit　the
darndest　thing　you　ever　did　see。　　All　you　have　to　do　is　to　set　it
on　a　table　and　turn　a　crank；　and　the　fish　flies　right　down　your
throat　and　the　bones　right　under　the　grate。　　Well；　there　was　a
country　greenhorn　got　hold　of　it　the　other　day；　and　he　turned　the
crank　the　wrong　way；　and；　I　tell　you；　the　way　the　bones　flew　down
his　throat　was　awful。　　Why；　it　stuck　that　fellow　so　full　of
bones；　that　he　could　not　get　his　shirt　off　for　a　whole　week！〃

In　addition　to　the　paper　on　the　Fenians；　two　other　articles　by
Artemus　Ward　are　reprinted　in　the　present　work。　　One　relates　to
the　city　of　Washington；　and　the　other　to　the　author's　imaginary
town　of　Baldinsville。　　Both　are　highly　characteristic　of　the
writer　and　of　his　quaint　spellingsa　heterography　not　more　odd
than　that　of　the　postmaster　of　Shawnee　County；　Missouri；　who；
returning　his　account　to　the　General　Office；　wrote；　〃I　hearby
sertify　that　the　four　going　A…Counte　is　as　nere　Rite　as　I　now　how
to　make　It；　if　there　is　any　mistake　it　is　not　Dun　a　purpers。〃

Artemus　Ward　has　created　a　new　model　for　funny　writers；　and　the
fact　is　noticeable　that；　in　various　parts　of　this　country　as　well
as　in　his　own；　he　has　numerous　puny　imitators；　who　suppose　that
by　simply　adopting　his　comic　spelling　they　can　write　quite　as
well　as　he　can。　　Perhaps　it　would　be　as　well　if　they　remembered
the　joke　of　poor　Thomas　Hood；　who　said　that　he　could　write　as
well　as　Shakespere　if　he　had　the　mind　to；　but　the　trouble　washe
had　not　got　the　mind。

*　　　*　　　*






A　BIOGRAPHICAL　SKETCH　BY　MELVILLE　D。　LANDON。

Charles　Farrar　Browne；　better　known　to　the　world　as　〃Artemus
Ward；〃　was　born　at　Waterford；　Oxford　County；　Maine；　on　the
twenty…sixth　of　April；　1834；　and　died　of　consumption　at
Southampton；　England；　on　Wednesday；　the　sixth　of　March；　1867。

His　father；　Levi　Browne；　was　a　land　surveyor；　and　Justice　of　the
Peace。　　His　mother；　Caroline　E。　Brown；　is　still　living；　and　is　a
descendant　from　Puritan　stock。

Mr。　Browne's　business　manager；　Mr。　Hingston；　once　asked　him　about
his　Puritanic　origin；　when　he　replied：　　〃I　think　we　came　from
Jerusalem；　for　my　father's　name　was　Levi　and　we　had　a　Moses　and　a
Nathan　in　the　family；　but　my　poor　brother's　name　was　Cyrus；　so；
perhaps；　that　makes　us　Persians。〃

Charles　was　partially　educated　at　the　Waterford　school；　when
family　circumstances　induced　his　parents　to　apprentice　him　to
learn　the　rudiments　of　printing　in　the　office　of　the　〃Skowhegan
Clarion；〃　published　some　miles　to　the　north　of　his　native
village。　　Here　he　passed　through　the　dreadful　ordeal　to　which　a
printer's　〃devil〃　is　generally　subjected。　　He　always　kept　his
temper；　and　his　eccentric　boy　jokes　are　even　now　told　by　the
residents　of　Skowhegan。

In　the　spring；　after　his　fifteenth　birthday；　Charles　Browne　bade
farewell　to　the　〃Skowhegan　Clarion；〃　and　we　next　hear　of　him　in
the　office　of　the　〃Carpet…Bag；〃　edited　by　B。P。　Shillaber　（〃Mrs。
Partington〃）。　　Lean；　lank；　but　strangely　appreciative；　young
Browne　used　to　〃set　up〃　articles　from　the　pens　of　Charles　G。
Halpine　（〃Miles　O'Reilly〃）　and　John　G。　Saxe；　the　poet。　　Here　he
wrote　his　first　contribution　in　a　disguised　hand；　slyly　put　it
into　the　editorial　box；　and　the　next　day　disguised　his　pleasure
while　setting　it　up　himself。　　The　article　was　a　description　of　a
Fourth　of　July　celebration　in　Skowhegan。　　The　spectacle　of　the
day　was　a　representation　of　the　battle　of　Yorktown；　with　G。
Washington　and　General　Horace　Cornwallis　in　character。　　The
article　pleased　Mr。　Shillaber；　and　Mr。　Browne；　afterwards
speaking　of　it；　said：　　〃I　went　to　the　theatre　that　evening；　had　a
good　time　of　it；　and　thought　I　was　the　greatest　man　in　Boston。〃

While　engaged　on　the　〃Carpet…Bag；〃　the　subject　of　our　sketch
closely　studied　the　theatre　and　courted　the　society　of　actors　and
actresses。　　It　was　in　this　way　that　he　gained　that　correct　and
valuable　knowledge　of　the　texts　and　characters　of　the　drama；
which　enabled　him　in　after　years　to　burlesque　them　so
successfully。　　The　humorous　writings　of　Seba　Smith　were　his
models；　and　the　oddities　of　〃John　Phoenix〃　were　his　especial
admiration。

Being　of　a　roving　temper　Charles　Browne　soon　left　Boston；　and；
after　traveling　as　a　journeyman　printer　over　much　of　New　York　and
Massachusetts；　he　turned　up　in　the　town　of　Tiffin；　Seneca　County；
Ohio；　where　he　became　reporter　and　compositor　at　four　dollars　per
week。　　After　making　many　friends　among　the　good　citizens　of
Tiffin；　by　whom　he　is　remembered　as　a　patron　of　side　shows　and
traveling　circuses；　our　hero　suddenly　set　out　for　Toledo；　on　the
lake；　where　he　immediately　made　a　reputation　as　a　writer　of
sarcastic　paragraphs　in　the　columns　of　the　Toledo　〃Commercial。〃
He　waged　a　vigorous　newspaper　war　with　the　reporters　of　the
Toledo　〃Blade；〃　but　while　the　〃Blade〃　indulged　in　violent
vituperation；　〃Artemus〃　was　good…natured　and　full　of　humor。　　His
column　soon　gained　a　local　fame　and　everybody　read　it。　　His　fame
even　traveled　away　to　Cleveland；　where；　in　1858；　when　Mr。　Browne
was　twenty…four　years　of　age；　Mr。　J。W。　Gray　of　the　Cleveland
〃Plaindealer〃　secured　him　as　local　reporter；　at　a　salary　of
twelve…dollars　per　week。　　Here　his　reputation　first　began　to
assume　a　national　character　and　it　was　here　that　they　called　him
a　〃fool〃　when　he　mentioned　the　idea　of　taking　the　field　as　a
lecturer。　　Speaking　of　this　circumstance　while　traveling　down　the
Mississippi　with　the　writer；　in　1865；　Mr。　Browne　musingly
repeated　this　colloquy：

WISE　MAN：〃Ah！　you　poor　foolish　little　girlhere　is　a　dollar
for　you。〃

FOOLISH　LITTLE　GIRL：〃Thank　you；　sir；　but　I　have　a　sister　at
home　as　foolish　as　I　am；　can't　you　give　me　a　dollar　for　her？〃

Charles　Browne　was　not　successful　as　a　NEWS　reporter；　lacking
enterprise　and　energy；　but　his　success　lay　in　writing　up　in　a
burlesque　manner　well…known　public　affairs　like　prize…fights；
races；　spiritual　meetings；　and　political　gatherings。　　His
department　became　wonderfully　humorous；　and　was　always　a　favorite
with　readers；　whether　there　was　any　news　in　it　or　not。　　Sometimes
he　would　have　a　whole　column　of　letters　from　young　ladies　in
reply　to　a　fancied　matrimonial　advertisement；　and　then　he　would
have　a　column　of　answers　to　general　correspondents　like　this：

VERITAS：Many　make　the　same　error。　　Mr。　Key；　who　wrote　the　〃Star
Spangled　Banner；〃　is　not　the　author　of　Hamlet；　a　tragedy。　　He
wrote　the　banner　business；　and　assisted　in　〃The　Female　Pirate；〃
BUT　DID　NOT　WRITE　HAMLET。　　Hamlet　was　written　by　a　talented　but
unscrupulous　man　named　Macbeth；　afterwards　tried　and　executed　for
〃murdering　sleep。〃

YOUNG　CLERGYMAN：Two　pints　of　rum；　two　quarts　of　hot　water；　tea…
cup　of　sugar；　and　a　lemon；　grate　in　nutmeg；　stir　thoroughly　and
drink　while　hot。

It　was　during　his　engagement　on　the　〃Plaindealer〃　that　he　wrote；
dating　from　Indiana；　his　first　communication；the　first
published　letter　following　this　sketch；　signed　〃Artemus　Ward〃　a
sobriquet　purely　incidental；　but　borne　with　the　〃u〃　changed　to　an
〃a〃　by　an　American　revolutionary　general。　　It　was　here　that　Mr。
Browne　first　became；　IN　WORDS；　the　possessor　of　a　moral　show
〃consisting　of　three　moral　bares；　the　a　kangaroo　（a　amoozing
little　rascal；　'twould　make　you　larf　yourself　to　death　to　see　the
little　kuss　jump　and　squeal）；　wax　figures　of　G。　Washington；　&c。
&c。〃　　Hundreds　of　newspapers　copied　this　letter；　and　Charles
Browne　awoke　one　morning　to　find　himself　famous。

In　the　〃Plaindealer〃　office；　his　companion；　George　Hoyt；　writes：
〃His　desk　was　a　rickety　table　which　had　been　whittled　and　gashed
until　it　looked　as　if　it　had　been　the　victim　of　lightning。　　His
chair　was　a　fit　companion　thereto；a　wabbling；　unsteady　affair；
sometimes　with　four　and　sometimes　with　three　legs。　　But　Browne
saw　neither　the　table；　nor　the　chair；　nor　any　person　who　might　be
near；　nothing；　in　fact；　but　the　funny　pictures　which　were
tumbling　out　of　his　brain。　　When　writing；　his　gaunt　form　looked
ridiculous　enough。　　One　leg　hung　over　the　arm　of　his　chair　like　a
great　hook；　while　he　would　write　away；　sometimes　laughing　to
himself；　and　then　slapping　the　table　in　the　excess　of　his　mirth。〃

While　in　the　office　of　the　〃Plaindealer；〃　Mr。　Browne　first
conceived　the　idea　of　becoming　a　lecturer。　　In　attending　the
various　minstrel　shows　and　circuses　which　came　to　the　city；　he
would　frequently　hear　repeated　some　story　of　his　own　which　the
audience　would　receive　with　hilarity。　　His　best　witticisms　came
back　to　him　from　the　lips　of　another　who　made　a　living　by　quoting
a　stolen　jest。　　Then　the　thought　came　to　him　to　enter　the　lecture
field　himself；　and　become　the　utterer　of　his　own　witticismsthe
mouthpiece　of　his　own　jests。

On　the　10th　of　November；　1860；　Charles　Browne；　whose　fame；
traveling　in　his　letters　from