the complete works of artemus ward, part 1-第23部分

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let　my　Boy　Constructor　loose！　&　ef　he　gits　amung　you；　you'll　think
old　Solferino　has　cum　again　and　no　mistake！〃　　You　ought　to　hev　seen
them　scamper；　Mr。　Fair。　　They　run　ort　as　tho　Satun　hisself　was
arter　them　with　a　red　hot　ten　pronged　pitchfork。　　In　five　minits
the　premises　was　clear。

〃How　kin　I　ever　repay　you；　Mr。　Ward；　for　your　kindness？〃　sed　Old
Abe；　advancin　and　shakin　me　warmly　by　the　hand。　　〃How　kin　I　ever
repay　you；　sir？〃

〃By　givin　the　whole　country　a　good；　sound　administration。　　By
poerin'　ile　upon　the　troubled　waturs；　North　and　South。　　By
pursooin'　a　patriotic；　firm；　and　just　course；　and　then　if　any　State
wants　to　secede；　let　'em　Sesesh！〃

〃How　'bout　my　Cabinit；　Mister　Ward？〃　sed　Abe。

〃Fill　it　up　with　Showmen；　sir！　　Showmen；　is　devoid　of　politics。
They　hain't　got　any　principles。　　They　know　how　to　cater　for　the
public。　　They　know　what　the　public　wants；　North　&　South。　　Showmen；
sir；　is　honest　men。　　Ef　you　doubt　their　literary　ability；　look　at
their　posters；　and　see　small　bills！　　Ef　you　want　a　Cabinit　as　is　a
Cabinit　fill　it　up　with　showmen；　but　don't　call　on　me。　　The　moral
wax　figger　perfeshun　musn't　be　permitted　to　go　down　while　there's　a
drop　of　blood　in　these　vains！　　A。　Linkin；　I　wish　you　well！　　Ef
Powers　or　Walcutt　wus　to　pick　out　a　model　for　a　beautiful　man；　I
scarcely　think　they'd　sculp　you；　but　ef　you　do　the　fair　thing　by
your　country　you'll　make　as　putty　a　angel　as　any　of　us！　　A。　Linkin；
use　the　talents　which　Nature　has　put　into　you　judishusly　and
firmly；　and　all　will　be　well！　　A。　Linkin；　adoo！〃

He　shook　me　cordyully　by　the　handwe　exchanged　picters；　so　we
could　gaze　upon　each　other's　liniments；　when　far　away　from　one
anotherhe　at　the　hellum　of　the　ship　of　State；　and　I　at　the　hellum
of　the　show　biznissadmittance　only　15　cents。


1。32。　　INTERVIEW　WITH　THE　PRINCE　NAPOLEON。

Notwithstandin　I　hain't　writ　much　for　the　papers　of　late；　nobody
needn't　flatter　theirselves　that　the　undersined　is　ded。　　On　the
contry；　〃I　still　live；〃　which　words　was　spoken　by　Danyil　Webster；
who　was　a　able　man。　　Even　the　old…line　whigs　of　Boston　will　admit
THAT。　　Webster　is　ded　now；　howsever；　and　his　mantle　has　probly
fallen　into　the　hands　of　sum　dealer　in　2nd　hand　close；　who　can't
sell　it。　　Leastways　nobody　pears　to　be　goin　round　wearin　it　to　any
perticler　extent；　now　days。　　The　rigiment　of　whom　I　was　kurnel；
finerly　concluded　they　was　better　adapted　as　Home　Gards；　which
accounts　for　your　not　hearin　of　me；　ear　this；　where　the　bauls　is
the　thickest　and　where　the　cannon　doth　roar。　　But　as　a　American
citizen　I　shall　never　cease　to　admire　the　masterly　advance　our
troops　made　on　Washinton　from　Bull　Run；　a　short　time　ago。　　It　was
well　dun。　　I　spoke　to　my　wife　'bout　it　at　the　time。　　My　wife　sed　it
was　well　dun。

It　havin　there4　bin　detarmined　to　pertect　Baldinsville　at　all
hazzuds；　and　as　there　was　no　apprehensions　of　any　immejit　danger；　I
thought　I　would　go　orf　onto　a　pleasure　tower。　　Accordinly　I　put　on
a　clean　Biled　Shirt　and　started　for　Washinton。　　I　went　there　to　see
the　Prints　Napoleon；　and　not　to　see　the　place；　which　I　will　here
take　occasion　to　obsarve　is　about　as　uninterestin　a　locality　as
there　is　this　side　of　J。　Davis's　future　home；　if　he　ever　does　die；
and　where　I　reckon　they'll　make　it　so　warm　for　him　that　he　will　si
for　his　summer　close。　　It　is　easy　enough　to　see　why　a　man　goes　to
the　poor　house　or　the　penitentiary。　　It's　becawz　he　can't　help　it。
But　why　he　should　woluntarily　go　and　live　in　Washinton；　is　intirely
beyond　my　comprehension；　and　I　can't　say　no　fairer　nor　that。

I　put　up　to　a　leadin　hotel。　　I　saw　the　landlord　and　sed；　〃How　d'ye
do；　Square？〃

〃Fifty　cents；　sir；〃　was　his　reply。

〃Sir？〃

〃Half…a…dollar。　　We　charge　twenty…five　cents　for　LOOKIN　at　the
landlord　and　fifty　cents　for　speakin　to　him。　　If　you　want　supper；　a
boy　will　show　you　to　the　dinin…room　for　twenty…five　cents。　　Your
room　bein　in　the　tenth　story；　it　will　cost　you　a　dollar　to　be　shown
up　there。〃

〃How　much　do　you　ax　for　a　man　breathin　in　this　equinomikal　tarvun？〃
sed　I。

〃Ten　cents　a　Breth；〃　was　his　reply。

Washinton　hotels　is　very　reasonable　in　their　charges。　　＇N。B。This
is　Sarkassum。＇

I　sent　up　my　keerd　to　the　Prints；　and　was　immejitly　ushered　before
him。　　He　received　me　kindly；　and　axed　me　to　sit　down。

〃I　hav　cum　to　pay　my　respecks　to　you；　Mister　Napoleon；　hopin　I　see
you　hale　and　harty。〃

〃I　am　quite　well；〃　he　sed。　　〃Air　you　well；　sir？〃

〃Sound　as　a　cuss！〃　I　answerd。

He　seemed　to　be　pleased　with　my　ways；　and　we　entered　into
conversation　to　onct。

〃How's　Lewis？〃　I　axed；　and　he　sed　the　Emperor　was　well。　　Eugeny　was
likewise　well；　he　sed。　　Then　I　axed　him　was　Lewis　a　good　provider？
did　he　cum　home　arly　nites？　did　he　perfoom　her　bedroom　at　a
onseasonable　hour　with　gin　and　tanzy？　　Did　he　go　to　〃the　Lodge〃　on
nites　when　there　wasn't　any　Lodge？　did　he　often　hav　to　go　down　town
to　meet　a　friend？　did　he　hav　a　extensiv　acquaintance　among　poor
young　widders　whose　husbands　was　in　Californy？　to　all　of　which
questions　the　Prints　perlitely　replide；　givin　me　to　understand　that
the　Emperor　was　behavin　well。

〃I　ax　these　question；　my　royal　duke　and　most　noble　hiness　and
imperials；　becaws　I'm　anxious　to　know　how　he　stands　as　a　man。　　I
know　he's　smart。　　He　is　cunnin；　he　is　long…heded；　he　is　deephe　is
grate。　　But　onless　he　is　GOOD　he'll　come　down　with　a　crash　one　of
these　days　and　the　Bonyparts　will　be　Bustid　up　agin。　　Bet　yer
life！〃

〃Air　you　a　preacher；　sir？〃　he　inquired　slitely　sarkasticul。

〃No；　sir。　　But　I　bleeve　in　morality。　　I　likewise　bleeve　in　Meetin
Houses。　　Show　me　a　place　where　there　isn't　any　Meetin　Houses　and
where　preachers　is　never　seen；　and　I'll　show　you　a　place　where　old
hats　air　stuffed　into　broken　winders；　where　the　children　air　dirty
and　ragged；　where　gates　have　no　hinges；　where　the　wimin　are
slipshod；　and　where　maps　of　the　devil's　〃wild　land〃　air　painted
upon　men's　shirt　bosums　with　tobacco…jooce！　　That's　what　I'll　show
you。　　Let　us　consider　what　the　preachers　do　for　us　before　we　aboose
'em。〃

He　sed　he　didn't　mean　to　aboose　the　clergy。　　Not　at　all；　and　he　was
happy　to　see　that　I　was　interested　in　the　Bonypart　family。

〃It's　a　grate　family；〃　sed　I。　〃But　they　scooped　the　old　man　in。〃

〃How；　Sir？〃

〃Napoleon　the　Grand。　　The　Britishers　scooped　him　at　Waterloo。　　He
wanted　to　do　too　much；　and　he　did　it！　　They　scooped　him　in　at
Waterloo；　and　he　subsekently　died　at　St。　Heleny！　　There's　where　the
gratest　military　man　this　world　ever　projuced　pegged　out。　　It　was
rather　hard　to　consine　such　a　man　as　him　to　St。　Heleny；　to　spend
his　larst　days　in　catchin　mackeril；　and　walkin　up　and　down　the
dreary　beach　in　a　military　cloak　drawn　titely　round　him；　（see
picter…books）；　but　so　it　was。　　'Hed　of　the　Army！'　　Them　was　his
larst　words。　　So　he　had　bin。　　He　was　grate！　　Don't　I　wish　we　had　a
pair　of　his　old　boots　to　command　sum　of　our　Brigades！〃

This　pleased　Jerome；　and　he　took　me　warmly　by　the　hand。

〃Alexander　the　Grate　was　punkins；〃　I　continnered；　〃but　Napoleon　was
punkinser！　　Alic　wept　becaws　there　was　no　more　worlds　to　scoop；　and
then　took　to　drinkin。　　He　drowndid　his　sorrers　in　the　flowin　bole；
and　the　flowin　bole　was　too　much　for　him。　　It　ginerally　is。　　He
undertook　to　give　a　snake　exhibition　in　his　boots；　but　it　killed
him。　　That　was　a　bad　joke　on　Alic！〃

〃Since　you　air　so　solicitous　about　France　and　the　Emperor；　may　I
ask　you　how　your　own　country　is　getting　along？〃　sed　Jerome；　in　a
pleasant　voice。

〃It's　mixed；〃　I　sed。　　But　I　think　we　shall　cum　out　all　right。〃

〃Columbus；　when　he　diskivered　this　magnificent　continent；　could　hav
had　no　idee　of　the　grandeur　it　would　one　day　assoom；〃　sed　the
Prints。

〃It　cost　Columbus　twenty　thousand　dollars　to　fit　out　his　explorin
expedition；〃　sed　I。　　〃If　he　had　bin　a　sensible　man　he'd　hav　put　the
money　in　a　hoss　railroad　or　a　gas　company；　and　left　this
magnificent　continent　to　intelligent　savages；　who　when　they　got
hold　of　a　good　thing　knew　enuff　to　keep　it；　and　who　wouldn't　hav
seceded；　nor　rebelled；　nor　knockt　Liberty　in　the　hed　with　a
slungshot。　　Columbus　wasn't　much　of　a　feller；　after　all。　　It　would
hav　bin　money　in　my　pocket　if　he'd　staid　at　home。　　Chris。　ment
well；　but　he　put　his　foot　in　it　when　he　saled　for　America。〃

We　talked　sum　more　about　matters　and　things；　and　at　larst　I　riz　to
go。　　〃I　will　now　say　good…bye　to　you；　noble　sir；　and　good　luck　to
you。　　Likewise　the　same　to　Clotildy。　　Also　to　the　gorgeous　persons
which　compose　your　soot。　　If　the　Emperor's　boy　don't　like　livin　at
the　Tooleries；　when　he　gits　older；　and　would　like　to　imbark　in　the
show　bizness；　let　him　come　with　me　and　I'll　make　a　man　of　him。　　You
find　us　sumwhat　mixed；　as　I　before　obsarved；　but　come　again　next
year　and　you'll　find　us　clearer　nor　ever。　　The　American　Eagle　has
lived　too　sumptuously　of　latehis　stummic　becum　foul；　and　he's
takin　a　slite　emetic。　　That's　all。　　We're　getting　ready　to　strike　a
big　blow　and　a　sure　one。　　When　we　do　strike；　the　fur　will　fly　and
secession　will　be　in　the　hands　of　the　undertaker；　sheeted　for　so
deep　a　grave　that　nothin　short　of　Gabriel's　trombone　will　ever
awaken　it！　　Mind　what　I　say。　　You've　heard　the　showman！〃

Then　advisin　him　to　keep　away　from　the　Peter　Funk　sections　of　the
East；　and　the　proprietors　of　corner…lots　in　the　West；　I　bid　him
farewell；　and　went　away。

There　was　a　levee　at　Senator　What's…his…name's；　and　I　thought　I'd
jine　in　the　festivities　for　a　spell。　　Who　should　I　see　but　she　that
was　Sarah　Watkins；　now　the　wife　of　our　Congresser；　trippin　in　the
dance；　dressed　up　to　kill　in　her　store　close。　　Sarah's　father　use
to　keep　a　little　grosery　store　in　our　town　and　she　used　to　clerk　it
for　him　in　busy　times。　　I　was　rushin　up　to　shake　hands　with　her
when　she　turned　on　her　heel；　and　tossin　her　hed　in　a　contemptooious
manner；　walked　away　from　me　very　rapid。　　〃Hallo；　Sal；〃　I　hollered；
〃can't　you　measure　me　a　quart　of　them　best　melasses？　　I　may　want　a
codfish；　also！〃　　I　guess　this　reminded　her　of　the　little　red　store；
and　〃the　days　of　her　happy　childhood。〃

But　I　fell　in　love　with　a　nice　little　gal　after　that；　who　was　much
sweeter　then　Sally's　father's　melasses；　and　I　axed　her　if　we
shouldn't　glide　in　the　messy　dance。　　She　sed　we