the complete works of artemus ward, part 1-第30部分

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Colonel　himself；　who　arising　with　considerable　difficulty；　and
beaming　benevolently　around　the　table；　gravely　said；　〃Let's　（hic）
drink　that　sedimunt　standin！〃　　It　was　done。


1。48。　　HOW　THE　NAPOLEON　OF　SELLERS　WAS　SOLD。

We　have　read　a　great　many　stories　of　which　Winchell；　the　great　wit
and　mimic；　was　the　hero；　showing　always　how　neatly　and　entirely　he
sold　somebody。　　Any　one　who　is　familiar　with　Winchell's　wonderful
powers　of　mimicry　cannot　doubt　that　these　stories　are　all
substantially　true。　　But　there　is　one　instance　which　we　will　relate；
or　perish　in　the　attempt；　where　the　jolly　Winchell　was　himself　sold。
The　other　evening；　while　he　was　conversing　with　several　gentlemen　at
one　of　the　hotels；　a　dilapidated　individual　reeled　into　the　room　and
halted　in　front　of　the　stove；　where　he　made　wild　and　unsuccessful
efforts　to　maintain　a　firm　position。　　He　evidently　had　spent　the
evening　in　marching　torchlight　processions　of　forty…rod　whisky　down
his　throat；　and　at　this　particular　time　was　decidedly　and
disreputably　drunk。　　With　a　sly　wink　to　the　crowd；　as　much　as　to
say；　〃We'll　have　some　fun　with　this　individual；〃　Winchell　assumed　a
solemn　face；　and　in　a　ghostly　voice　said　to　one　of　the　company：

〃The　poor　fellow　we　were　speaking　of　is　dead！〃

〃No？〃　said　the　individual　addressed。

〃Yes；〃　said　Winchell；　〃you　know　both　of　his　eyes　were　gouged　out；
his　nose　was　chawed　off；　and　both　of　his　arms　were　torn　out　at　the
roots。　　Of　course；　he　could'nt　recover。〃

This　was　all　said　for　the　benefit　of　the　drunken　man；　who　was
standing；　or　trying　to　stand；　within　a　few　feet　of　Winchell；　but　he
took　no　sort　of　notice　of　it；　and　was　apparently　ignorant　of　the
celebrated　delineator's　presence。　　Again　Winchell　endeavored　to
attract　his　attention；　but　utterly　failed　as　before。　　In　a　few
moments　the　drunken　man　staggered　out　of　the　room。

〃I　can　generally　have　a　little　fun　with　a　drunken　man；〃　said
Winchell；　〃but　it　is　no　go　in　this　case。〃

〃I　suppose　you　know　what　ails　the　man　who　just　went　out？〃　said　the
〃gentlemanly　host。〃

〃I　perceive　he　is　alarmingly　inebriated；〃　said　Winchell；　〃does
anything　else　ail　him？〃

〃Yes；〃　said　the　host；　〃HE'S　DEAF　AND　DUMB！〃

This　was　true。　　There　was　a　〃larf；〃　and　Winchell；　with　the　remark
that　he　was　sorry　to　see　a　disposition　in　that　assemblage　〃to
deceive　an　orphan；〃　called　for　a　light　and　went　gravely　to　bed。


1。49。　　ON　AUTUMN。

Poets　are　wont　to　apostrophize　the　leafy　month　of　June；　and　there　is
no　denying　that　if　Spring　is　〃some；〃　June　is　Summer。　　But　there　is　a
gorgeous　magnificence　about　the　habiliments　of　Nature；　and　a　teeming
fruitfulness　upon　her　lap　during　the　autumnal　months；　and　we　must
confess　we　have　always　felt　genially　inclined　towards　this　season。
It　is　true；　when　we　concentrate　our　field　of　vision　to　the　minute
garniture　of　earth；　we　no　longer　observe　the　beautiful　petals；　nor
inhale　the　fragrance　of　a　gay　parterre　of　the　〃floral　epistles〃　and
〃angel…like　collections〃　which　Longfellow　（we　believe）　so
graphically　describes；　and　which　Shortfellows　so　fantastically　carry
about　in　their　buttonholes；　but　we　have　all　their　tints　reproduced
upon　a　higher　and　broader　canvas　in　the　kaleidoscopic　colors　with
which　the　sky　and　the　forest　daily　enchant　us；　and　the　beautiful　and
luscious　fruits　which　Autumn　spreads　out　before　us；　and

　　　　　　　　　〃Crowns　the　rich　promise　of　the　opening　Spring。〃

In　another　point　of　view　Autumn　is　suggestive　of　pleasant
reflections。　　The　wearying；　wasting　heat　of　Summer；　and　the　deadly
blasts　with　which　her　breath　has　for　some　years　been　freighted；　are
past；　and　the　bracing　north　winds　begin　to　bring　balm　and　healing　on
their　wings。　　The　hurly…burly　of　travel；　and　most　sorts　of　publicity
（except　newspapers）；　are　fast　playing　out；　and　we　can　once　more　hope
to　see　our　friends　and　relations　in　the　happy　sociality　of　home　and
fireside　enjoyments。　　Yielding；　as　we　do；　the　full　force　to　which
Autumn　is　seriously　entitled；　or　rather　to　the　serious　reflections
and　admonitions　which　the　decay　of　Nature　and　the　dying　year　always
inspire；　and　admitting　the　poet's　decade

　　　　　　　　　〃Leaves　have　their　time　to　fall；
　　　　　　　　　　And　stars　to　set；but　all；
　　　　　　　　　　Thou　hast　all　seasons　for　thine　own；　O　Death！〃

There　is　a　brighter　Autumn　beyond；　and　brighter　opening　years　to
those　who　choose　them　rather　than　dead　leaves　and　bitter　fruits。
Thus　we　can　conclude　tranquilly　with　Bryant；　as　we　began　gaily　with
another

　　　　　　　　　〃So　live；　that　when　thy　summons　comes　to　join
　　　　　　　　　　The　innumerable　caravan；　which　moves
　　　　　　　　　　To　that　mysterious　realm；　where　each　shall　take
　　　　　　　　　　His　chamber　in　the　silent　halls　of　death；
　　　　　　　　　　Thou　go　not；　like　the　quarry…slave　at　night；
　　　　　　　　　　Scourged　to　his　dungeon；　but；　sustained　and　soothed
　　　　　　　　　　By　an　unfaltering　trust；　approach　thy　grave
　　　　　　　　　　Like　one　who　wraps　the　drapery　of　his　couch
　　　　　　　　　　About　him；　and　lies　down　to　pleasant　dreams。〃


1。50。　　PAYING　FOR　HIS　PROVENDER　BY　PRAYING。

We　have　no　intention　of　making　fun　of　serious　matters　in　telling　the
following　story；　we　merely　relate　a　fact。

There　is　a　rule　at　Oberlin　College　that　no　student　shall　board　at
any　house　where　prayers　are　not　regularly　made　each　day。　　A　certain
man　fitted　up　a　boarding…house　and　filled　it　with　boarders；　but
forgot；　until　the　eleventh　hour；　the　prayer　proviso。　　Not　being　a
praying　man　himself；　he　looked　around　for　one　who　was。　　At　length　he
found　onea　meek　young　man　from　Trumbull　Countywho　agreed　to　pay
for　his　board　in　praying。　　For　a　while　all　went　smoothly；　but　the
boarding…master　furnished　his　table　so　poorly　that　the　boarders
began　to　grumble　and　to　leave；　and　the　other　morning　the　praying
boarder　actually　〃struck！〃　　Something　like　the　following　dialogue
occurred　at　the　table：

LANDLORD。Will　you　pray；　Mr。　Mild？

MILD。No；　sir；　I　will　not。

LANDLORD。Why　not；　Mr。　Mild？

MILD。It　don't　pay；　sir。　　I　can't　pray　on　such　victuals　as　these。
And　unless　you　bind　yourself　in　writing　to　set　a　better　table　than
you　have　for　the　last　three　weeks；　NARY　ANOTHER　PRAYER　YOU　GET　OUT
OF　ME！

And　that's　the　way　the　matter　stood　at　latest　advices。


1。51。　　HUNTING　TROUBLE。

Hunting　trouble　is　too　fashionable　in　this　world。　　Contentment　and
jollity　are　not　cultivated　as　they　should　be。　　There　are　too　many
prematurely…wrinkled　long　and　melancholy　faces　among　us。　　There　is
too　much　swearing；　sweating　and　slashing；　fuming；　foaming　and
fretting　around　and　about　us　all。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃A　mad　world；　my　masters。〃

People　rush　outdoors　bareheaded　and　barefooted；　as　it　were；　and　dash
blindly　into　all　sorts　of　dark　alleys　in　quest　of　all　sorts　of
Trouble；　when；　〃Goodness　knows；〃　if　they　will　only　sit　calmly　and
pleasantly　by　their　firesides；　Trouble　will　knock　soon　enough　at
their　doors。

Hunting　Trouble　is　bad　business。　　If　we　ever　are　induced　to　descend
from　our　present　proud　position　to　become　a　member　of　the
Legislature；　or　ever　accumulate　sufficient　muscle；　impudence；　and
taste　for　bad　liquor　to　go　to　Congress；　we　shall　introduce　〃a
william〃　for　the　suppression　of　Trouble…hunting。　　We　know　Miss
Slinkins；　who　incessantly　frets　because　Miss　Slurkins　is　better
harnessed　than　she　is；　won't　like　it；　and　we　presume　the　Simpkinses；
who　worry　so　much　because　the　Perkinses　live　in　a　freestone…fronted
house　whilst　theirs　is　only　plain　brick；　won't　like　it　also。　　It　is
doubtful；　too；　whether　our　long…haired　friends　the　Reformers　（who
think　the　machinery　of　the　world　is　all　out　of　joint；　while　we　think
it　only　needs　a　little　greasing　to　run　in　first…rate　style）；　will
approve　the　measure。　　It　is　probable；　indeed；　that　very　many
societies；　of　a　reformatory　（and　inflammatory）　character；　would
frown　upon　the　measure。　　But　the　measure　would　be　a　good　one
nevertheless。

Never　hunt　Trouble。　　However　dead　a　shot　one　may　be；　the　gun　he
carries　on　such　expeditions　is　sure　to　kick　or　go　off　half…cocked。
Trouble　will　come　soon　enough；　and　when　he　does　come；　receive　him　as
pleasantly　as　possible。　Like　the　tax…collector；　he　is　a　disagreeable
chap　to　have　in　one's　house；　but　the　more　amiably　you　greet　him　the
sooner　he　will　go　away。


1。52。　　DARK　DOINGS。

Four　promising　young　men　of　this　city　attended　a　ball　in　the　rural
districts　not　long　since。　　At　a　late　hour　they　retired；　leaving　word
with　the　clerk　of　the　hotel　to　call　them　early　in　the　morning；　as
they　wanted　to　take　the　first　train　home。　　The　clerk　was　an　old
friend　of　the　〃fellers；〃　and　he　thought　he　would　have　a　slight　joke
at　their　expense。　　So　he　burnt　some　cork；　and；　with　a　sponge；
blacked　the　faces　of　his　city　friends　after　they　had　got　soundly
asleep。　　In　the　morning　he　called　them　about　ten　minutes　before　the
train　came　along。　　Feller　No。　1　awoke　and　laughed　boisterously　at
the　sight　which　met　his　gaze。　　But　he　saw　through　itthe　clerk　had
played　his　good　joke　on　his　three　comrades；　and　of　course　he　would
keep　mum。　　But　it　was　a　devilish　good　joke。　　Feller　No。　2　awoke；　saw
the　three　black　men　in　the　room；　comprehended　the　joke；　and　laughed
vociferously。　　But　he　would　keep　mum。　　Fellers　No。　3　and　4　awoke；
and　experienced　the　same　pleasant　feeling；　and　there　was　the
beautiful　spectacle　of　four　nice　young　men　laughing　heartily　one　at
another；　each　one　supposing　the　〃urban　clerk〃　had　spared　him　in　his
cork…daubing　operations。　　They　had　only　time　to　dress　before　the
train　arrived。　　They　all　got　aboard；　each　thinking　what　a　glorious
joke　it　was　to　have　his　three　companions　go　back　to　town　with　black
faces。　　The　idea　was　so　rich　that　they　all　commenced　laughing
violently　as　soon　as　they　got　aboard　the　cars。　　The　other　passengers
took　to　laughing　also；　and　fun　raged　fast　and　furious；　until　the
benevolent　baggage…man；　seeing　how　matters　stood；　brought　a　small
pocket…glass　and　handed　it　around　to　the　young　men。　　They　suddenly
stopped　laughing；　rushed　wildly　for　the　baggage…car；　washed　their
faces；　and　amused　and　instructed　each　other　during　the　remainder　of
the　trip　with　some　eloquent　flashes　of　silence。


1。53。　　REPORTERS。

The　following　paragraph　is　going　the　rounds：〃How　many　a　great　man
is　now　basking　in　the　sunshine　of　fame　generously　bestowed　upon　him
by　th