idle thoughts of an idle fellow-第6部分

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m。　When　he　does　get　to　the　right　place　he　has　forgotten　his　name　and　address　and　is　in　a　general　condition　of　hopeless　imbecility。　　Asked　in　a　severe　tone　how　he　came　by　〃this；〃　he　stammers　and　contradicts　himself；　and　it　is　only　a　miracle　if　he　does　not　confess　to　having　stolen　it　that　very　day。　　He　is　thereupon　informed　that　they　don't　want　anything　to　do　with　his　sort；　and　that　he　had　better　get　out　of　this　as　quickly　as　possible；　which　he　does；　recollecting　nothing　more　until　he　finds　himself　three　miles　off；　without　the　slightest　knowledge　how　he　got　there。

By　the　way；　how　awkward　it　is；　though；　having　to　depend　on　public…houses　and　churches　for　the　time。　　The　former　are　generally　too　fast　and　the　latter　too　slow。　　Besides　which；　your　efforts　to　get　a　glimpse　of　the　public　house　clock　from　the　outside　are　attended　with　great　difficulties。　　If　you　gently　push　the　swing…door　ajar　and　peer　in　you　draw　upon　yourself　the　contemptuous　looks　of　the　barmaid；　who　at　once　puts　you　down　in　the　same　category　with　area　sneaks　and　cadgers。　　You　also　create　a　certain　amount　of　agitation　among　the　married　portion　of　the　customers。　　You　don't　see　the　clock　because　it　is　behind　the　door；　and　in　trying　to　withdraw　quietly　you　jam　your　head。　　The　only　other　method　is　to　jump　up　and　down　outside　the　window。　　After　this　latter　proceeding；　however；　if　you　do　not　bring　out　a　banjo　and　commence　to　sing；　the　youthful　inhabitants　of　the　neighborhood；　who　have　gathered　round　in　expectation；　become　disappointed。

I　should　like　to　know；　too；　by　what　mysterious　law　of　nature　it　is　that　before　you　have　left　your　watch　〃to　be　repaired〃　half　an　hour；　some　one　is　sure　to　stop　you　in　the　street　and　conspicuously　ask　you　the　time。　　Nobody　even　feels　the　slightest　curiosity　on　the　subject　when　you've　got　it　on。

Dear　old　ladies　and　gentlemen　who　know　nothing　about　being　hard　upand　may　they　never；　bless　their　gray　old　headslook　upon　the　pawn…shop　as　the　last　stage　of　degradation；　but　those　who　know　it　better　（and　my　readers　have　no　doubt；　noticed　this　themselves）　are　often　surprised；　like　the　little　boy　who　dreamed　he　went　to　heaven；　at　meeting　so　many　people　there　that　they　never　expected　to　see。　　For　my　part；　I　think　it　a　much　more　independent　course　than　borrowing　from　friends；　and　I　always　try　to　impress　this　upon　those　of　my　acquaintance　who　incline　toward　〃wanting　a　couple　of　pounds　till　the　day　after　to…morrow。〃　　But　they　won't　all　see　it。　　One　of　them　once　remarked　that　he　objected　to　the　principle　of　the　thing。　　I　fancy　if　he　had　said　it　was　the　interest　that　he　objected　to　he　would　have　been　nearer　the　truth：　twenty…five　per　cent。　certainly　does　come　heavy。

There　are　degrees　in　being　hard　up。　　We　are　all　hard　up；　more　or　lessmost　of　us　more。　　Some　are　hard　up　for　a　thousand　pounds；　some　for　a　shilling。　　Just　at　this　moment　I　am　hard　up　myself　for　a　fiver。　I　only　want　it　for　a　day　or　two。　　I　should　be　certain　of　paying　it　back　within　a　week　at　the　outside；　and　if　any　lady　or　gentleman　among　my　readers　would　kindly　lend　it　me；　I　should　be　very　much　obliged　indeed。　　They　could　send　it　to　me　under　cover　to　Messrs。　Field　&　Tuer；　only；　in　such　case；　please　let　the　envelope　be　carefully　sealed。　　I　would　give　you　my　I。O。U。　as　security。



ON　VANITY　AND　VANITIES。

All　is　vanity　and　everybody's　vain。　　Women　are　terribly　vain。　　So　are　menmore　so；　if　possible。　　So　are　children；　particularly　children。　One　of　them　at　this　very　moment　is　hammering　upon　my　legs。　　She　wants　to　know　what　I　think　of　her　new　shoes。　　Candidly　I　don't　think　much　of　them。　　They　lack　symmetry　and　curve　and　possess　an　indescribable　appearance　of　lumpiness　（I　believe；　too；　they've　put　them　on　the　wrong　feet）。　　But　I　don't　say　this。　　It　is　not　criticism；　but　flattery　that　she　wants；　and　I　gush　over　them　with　what　I　feel　to　myself　to　be　degrading　effusiveness。　　Nothing　else　would　satisfy　this　self…opinionated　cherub。　　I　tried　the　conscientious…friend　dodge　with　her　on　one　occasion；　but　it　was　not　a　success。　　She　had　requested　my　judgment　upon　her　general　conduct　and　behavior；　the　exact　case　submitted　being；　〃Wot　oo　tink　of　me？　　Oo　peased　wi'　me？〃　and　I　had　thought　it　a　good　opportunity　to　make　a　few　salutary　remarks　upon　her　late　moral　career；　and　said：　　〃No；　I　am　not　pleased　with　you。〃　　I　recalled　to　her　mind　the　events　of　that　very　morning；　and　I　put　it　to　her　how　she；　as　a　Christian　child；　could　expect　a　wise　and　good　uncle　to　be　satisfied　with　the　carryings　on　of　an　infant　who　that　very　day　had　roused　the　whole　house　at　five　AM。；　had　upset　a　water…jug　and　tumbled　downstairs　after　it　at　seven；　had　endeavored　to　put　the　cat　in　the　bath　at　eight；　and　sat　on　her　own　father's　hat　at　nine　thirty…five。

What　did　she　do？　　Was　she　grateful　to　me　for　my　plain　speaking？　　Did　she　ponder　upon　my　words　and　determine　to　profit　by　them　and　to　lead　from　that　hour　a　better　and　nobler　life？

No！　she　howled。

That　done；　she　became　abusive。　　She　said：

〃Oo　naughtyoo　naughty；　bad　unkieoo　bad　manme　tell　MAR。〃

And　she　did；　too。

Since　then；　when　my　views　have　been　called　for　I　have　kept　my　real　sentiments　more　to　myself　like；　preferring　to　express　unbounded　admiration　of　this　young　person's　actions；　irrespective　of　their　actual　merits。　　And　she　nods　her　head　approvingly　and　trots　off　to　advertise　my　opinion　to　the　rest　of　the　household。　　She　appears　to　employ　it　as　a　sort　of　testimonial　for　mercenary　purposes；　for　I　subsequently　hear　distant　sounds　of　〃Unkie　says　me　dood　dirlme　dot　to　have　two　bikkies　＇biscuits＇。〃

There　she　goes；　now；　gazing　rapturously　at　her　own　toes　and　murmuring　〃pittie〃two…foot…ten　of　conceit　and　vanity；　to　say　nothing　of　other　wickednesses。

They　are　all　alike。　　I　remember　sitting　in　a　garden　one　sunny　afternoon　in　the　suburbs　of　London。　　Suddenly　I　heard　a　shrill　treble　voice　calling　from　a　top…story　window　to　some　unseen　being；　presumably　in　one　of　the　other　gardens；　〃Gamma；　me　dood　boy；　me　wery　good　boy；　gamma；　me　dot　on　Bob's　knickiebockies。〃

Why；　even　animals　are　vain。　　I　saw　a　great　Newfoundland　dog　the　other　day　sitting　in　front　of　a　mirror　at　the　entrance　to　a　shop　in　Regent's　Circus；　and　examining　himself　with　an　amount　of　smug　satisfaction　that　I　have　never　seen　equaled　elsewhere　outside　a　vestry　meeting。

I　was　at　a　farm…house　once　when　some　high　holiday　was　being　celebrated。　　I　don't　remember　what　the　occasion　was；　but　it　was　something　festive；　a　May　Day　or　Quarter　Day；　or　something　of　that　sort；　and　they　put　a　garland　of　flowers　round　the　head　of　one　of　the　cows。　　Well；　that　absurd　quadruped　went　about　all　day　as　perky　as　a　schoolgirl　in　a　new　frock；　and　when　they　took　the　wreath　off　she　became　quite　sulky；　and　they　had　to　put　it　on　again　before　she　would　stand　still　to　be　milked。　　This　is　not　a　Percy　anecdote。　　It　is　plain；　sober　truth。

As　for　cats；　they　nearly　equal　human　beings　for　vanity。　　I　have　known　a　cat　get　up　and　walk　out　of　the　room　on　a　remark　derogatory　to　her　species　being　made　by　a　visitor；　while　a　neatly　turned　compliment　will　set　them　purring　for　an　hour。

I　do　like　cats。　　They　are　so　unconsciously　amusing。　　There　is　such　a　comic　dignity　about　them；　such　a　〃How　dare　you！〃　〃Go　away；　don't　touch　me〃　sort　of　air。　　Now；　there　is　nothing　haughty　about　a　dog。　　They　are　〃Hail；　fellow；　well　met〃　with　every　Tom；　Dick；　or　Harry　that　they　come　across。　　When　I　meet　a　dog　of　my　acquaintance　I　slap　his　head；　call　him　opprobrious　epithets；　and　roll　him　over　on　his　back；　and　there　he　lies；　gaping　at　me；　and　doesn't　mind　it　a　bit。

Fancy　carrying　on　like　that　with　a　cat！　　Why；　she　would　never　speak　to　you　again　as　long　as　you　lived。　　No；　when　you　want　to　win　the　approbation　of　a　cat　you　must　mind　what　you　are　about　and　work　your　way　carefully。　　If　you　don't　know　the　cat；　you　had　best　begin　by　saying；　〃Poor　pussy。〃　　After　which　add　〃did　'ums〃　in　a　tone　of　soothing　sympathy。　　You　don't　know　what　you　mean　any　more　than　the　cat　does；　but　the　sentiment　seems　to　imply　a　proper　spirit　on　your　part；　and　generally　touches　her　feelings　to　such　an　extent　that　if　you　are　of　good　manners　and　passable　appearance　she　will　stick　her　back　up　and　rub　her　nose　against　you。　　Matters　having　reached　this　stage；　you　may　venture　to　chuck　her　under　the　chin　and　tickle　the　side　of　her　head；　and　the　intelligent　creature　will　then　stick　her　claws　into　your　legs；　and　all　is　friendship　and　affection；　as　so　sweetly　expressed　in　the　beautiful　lines

　　　　　〃I　love　little　pussy；　her　coat　is　so　warm；　　　　　　And　if　I　don't　tease　her　she'll　do　me　no　harm；　　　　　　So　I'll　stroke　her；　and　pat　her；　and　feed　her　with　food；　　　　　　And　pussy　will　love　me　because　I　am　good。〃　　　　　　　The　last　two　lines　of　the　stanza　give　us　a　pretty　true　insight　into　pussy's　notions　of　human　goodness。　　it　is　evident　that　in　her　opinion　goodness　consists　of　stroking　her；　and　patting　her；　and　feeding　her　with　food。　　I　fear　this　narrow…minded　view　of　virtue；　though；　is　not　confined　to　pussies。　　We　are　all　inclined　to　adopt　a　similar　standard　of　merit　in　our　estimate　of　other　people。　　A　good　man　is　a　man　who　is　good　to　us；　and　a　bad　man　is　a　man　who　doesn't　do　what　we　want　him　to。　The　truth　is；　we　each　of　us　have　an　inborn　conviction　that　the　whole　world；　with　everybody　and　everything　in　it；　was　created　as　a　sort　of　necessary　appendage　to　ourselves。　　Our　fellow　men　and　women　were　made　to　admire　us　and　to　minister　to　our　various　requirements。　　You　and　I；　dear　reader；　are　each　the　center　of　the　universe　in　our　respective　opinions。　　You；　as　I　understand　it；　were　brought　into　being　by　a　considerate　Providence　in　order　that　you　might　read　and　pay　me　for　what　I　write；　while　I；　in　your　opinion；　am　an　article　sent　into　the　world　to　write　something　for　you　to　read。　　The　starsas　we　term　the　myriad　other　worlds　that　are　rushing　down　beside　us　through　the　eternal　silencewere　put　into　the　heavens　to　make　the　sky　look　interesting　for　us　at　night；　and　the　moon　with　its　dark　mysteries　and　ever…hidden　face　is　an　arrangement　for　us　to　flirt　under。

I　fear　we　are　most　of　us　like　Mrs。　Poyser's　bantam　cock；　who　fancied　the　sun　got　up　every　morning　to　hear　him　crow。　　〃'Tis　vanity　that　makes　the　world　go　round。〃　　I　don't　believe　any　man　ever　existed　without　vanity；　and　if　he　did　he　would　be　an　extremely　uncomfortable　person　to　have　anything　t