selected writings-第13部分

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night？〃



〃Yes。〃



〃Do　you　remember　that　Dr。　Parent　sent　you　to　sleep？〃



〃Yes。〃



〃Oh！　Very　well　then；　he　ordered　you　to　come　to　me　this　morning　to

borrow　five　thousand　francs；　and　at　this　moment　you　are　obeying

that　suggestion。〃



She　considered　for　a　few　moments；　and　then　replied：　〃But　as　it　is

my　husband　who　wants　them〃



For　a　whole　hour　I　tried　to　convince　her；　but　could　not　succeed；

and　when　she　had　gone　I　went　to　the　doctor。　He　was　just　going

out；　and　he　listened　to　me　with　a　smile；　and　said：　〃Do　you

believe　now？〃



〃Yes；　I　cannot　help　it。〃



〃Let　us　go　to　your　cousin's。〃



She　was　already　resting　on　a　couch；　overcome　with　fatigue。　The

doctor　felt　her　pulse；　looked　at　her　for　some　time　with　one　hand

raised　toward　her　eyes；　which　she　closed　by　degrees　under　the

irresistible　power　of　this　magnetic　influence。　When　she　was

asleep；　he　said：



〃Your　husband　does　not　require　the　five　thousand　francs　any

longer！　You　must；　therefore；　forget　that　you　asked　your　cousin　to

lend　them　to　you；　and；　if　he　speaks　to　you　about　it；　you　will　not

understand　him。〃



Then　he　woke　her　up；　and　I　took　out　a　pocket…book　and　said：　〃Here

is　what　you　asked　me　for　this　morning；　my　dear　cousin。〃　But　she

was　so　surprised；　that　I　did　not　venture　to　persist；

nevertheless；　I　tried　to　recall　the　circumstance　to　her；　but　she

denied　it　vigorously；　thought　that　I　was　making　fun　of　her；　and

in　the　end；　very　nearly　lost　her　temper。



There！　I　have　just　come　back；　and　I　have　not　been　able　to　eat　any

lunch；　for　this　experiment　has　altogether　upset　me。



July　19。　Many　people　to　whom　I　have　told　the　adventure　have

laughed　at　me。　I　no　longer　know　what　to　think。　The　wise　man　says：

Perhaps？



July　21。　I　dined　at　Bougival；　and　then　I　spent　the　evening　at　a

boatmen's　ball。　Decidedly　everything　depends　on　place　and

surroundings。　It　would　be　the　height　of　folly　to　believe　in　the

supernatural　on　the　Ile　de　la　Grenouilliere。＇1＇　But　on　the　top　of

Mont　Saint…Michel　or　in　India；　we　are　terribly　under　the

influence　of　our　surroundings。　I　shall　return　home　next　week。



＇1＇　Frog…island。



July　30。　I　came　back　to　my　own　house　yesterday。　Everything　is

going　on　well。



August　2。　Nothing　fresh；　it　is　splendid　weather；　and　I　spend　my

days　in　watching　the　Seine　flow　past。



August　4。　Quarrels　among　my　servants。　They　declare　that　the

glasses　are　broken　in　the　cupboards　at　night。　The　footman　accuses

the　cook；　she　accuses　the　needlewoman；　and　the　latter　accuses　the

other　two。　Who　is　the　culprit？　It　would　take　a　clever　person　to

tell。



August　6。　This　time；　I　am　not　mad。　I　have　seen　I　have　seenI

have　seen！I　can　doubt　no　longer　I　have　seen　it！



I　was　walking　at　two　o'clock　among　my　rose…trees；　in　the　full

sunlightin　the　walk　bordered　by　autumn　roses　which　are

beginning　to　fall。　As　I　stopped　to　look　at　a　Geant　de　Bataille；

which　had　three　splendid　blooms；　I　distinctly　saw　the　stalk　of

one　of　the　roses　bend　close　to　me；　as　if　an　invisible　hand　had

bent　it；　and　then　break；　as　if　that　hand　had　picked　it！　Then　the

flower　raised　itself；　following　the　curve　which　a　hand　would　have

described　in　carrying　it　toward　a　mouth；　and　remained　suspended

in　the　transparent　air；　alone　and　motionless；　a　terrible　red

spot；　three　yards　from　my　eyes。　In　desperation　I　rushed　at　it　to

take　it！　I　found　nothing；　it　had　disappeared。　Then　I　was　seized

with　furious　rage　against　myself；　for　it　is　not　wholesome　for　a

reasonable　and　serious　man　to　have　such　hallucinations。



But　was　it　a　hallucination？　I　turned　to　look　for　the　stalk；　and　I

found　it　immediately　under　the　bush；　freshly　broken；　between　the

two　other　roses　which　remained　on　the　branch。　I　returned　home；

then；　with　a　much　disturbed　mind；　for　I　am　certain　now；　certain

as　I　am　of　the　alternation　of　day　and　night；　that　there　exists

close　to　me　an　invisible　being　who　lives　on　milk　and　on　water；

who　can　touch　objects；　take　them　and　change　their　places；　who　is；

consequently；　endowed　with　a　material　nature；　although

imperceptible　to　sense；　and　who　lives　as　I　do；　under　my　roof



August　7。　I　slept　tranquilly。　He　drank　the　water　out　of　my

decanter；　but　did　not　disturb　my　sleep。



I　ask　myself　whether　I　am　mad。　As　I　was　walking　just　now　in　the

sun　by　the　riverside；　doubts　as　to　my　own　sanity　arose　in　me；　not

vague　doubts　such　as　I　have　had　hitherto；　but　precise　and

absolute　doubts。　I　have　seen　mad　people；　and　I　have　known　some

who　were　quite　intelligent；　lucid；　even　clear…sighted　in　every

concern　of　life；　except　on　one　point。　They　could　speak　clearly；

readily；　profoundly　on　everything；　till　their　thoughts　were

caught　in　the　breakers　of　their　delusions　and　went　to　pieces

there；　were　dispersed　and　swamped　in　that　furious　and　terrible

sea　of　fogs　and　squalls　which　is　called　MADNESS。



I　certainly　should　think　that　I　was　mad；　absolutely　mad；　if　I

were　not　conscious　that　I　knew　my　state；　if　I　could　not　fathom　it

and　analyze　it　with　the　most　complete　lucidity。　I　should；　in

fact；　be　a　reasonable　man　laboring　under　a　hallucination。　Some

unknown　disturbance　must　have　been　excited　in　my　brain；　one　of

those　disturbances　which　physiologists　of　the　present　day　try　to

note　and　to　fix　precisely；　and　that　disturbance　must　have　caused

a　profound　gulf　in　my　mind　and　in　the　order　and　logic　of　my

ideas。　Similar　phenomena　occur　in　dreams；　and　lead　us　through　the

most　unlikely　phantasmagoria；　without　causing　us　any　surprise；

because　our　verifying　apparatus　and　our　sense　of　control　have

gone　to　sleep；　while　our　imaginative　faculty　wakes　and　works。　Was

it　not　possible　that　one　of　the　imperceptible　keys　of　the

cerebral　finger…board　had　been　paralyzed　in　me？　Some　men　lose　the

recollection　of　proper　names；　or　of　verbs；　or　of　numbers；　or

merely　of　dates；　in　consequence　of　an　accident。　The　localization

of　all　the　avenues　of　thought　has　been　accomplished　nowadays；

what；　then；　would　there　be　surprising　in　the　fact　that　my　faculty

of　controlling　the　unreality　of　certain　hallucinations　should　be

destroyed　for　the　time　being？



I　thought　of　all　this　as　I　walked　by　the　side　of　the　water。　The

sun　was　shining　brightly　on　the　river　and　made　earth　delightful；

while　it　filled　me　with　love　for　life；　for　the　swallows；　whose

swift　agility　is　always　delightful　in　my　eyes；　for　the　plants　by

the　riverside；　whose　rustling　is　a　pleasure　to　my　ears。



By　degrees；　however；　an　inexplicable　feeling　of　discomfort　seized

me。　It　seemed　to　me　as　if　some　unknown　force　were　numbing　and

stopping　me；　were　preventing　me　from　going　further　and　were

calling　me　back。　I　felt　that　painful　wish　to　return　which　comes

on　you　when　you　have　left　a　beloved　invalid　at　home；　and　are

seized　by　a　presentiment　that　he　is　worse。



I；　therefore；　returned　despite　of　myself；　feeling　certain　that　I

should　find　some　bad　news　awaiting　me；　a　letter　or　a　telegram。

There　was　nothing；　however；　and　I　was　surprised　and　uneasy；　more

so　than　if　I　had　had　another　fantastic　vision。



August　8。　I　spent　a　terrible　evening；　yesterday。　He　does　not　show

himself　any　more；　but　I　feel　that　He　is　near　me；　watching　me；

looking　at　me；　penetrating　me；　dominating　me；　and　more　terrible

to　me　when　He　hides　himself　thus　than　if　He　were　to　manifest　his

constant　and　invisible　presence　by　supernatural　phenomena。

However；　I　slept。



August　9。　Nothing；　but　I　am　afraid。



August　10。　Nothing；　but　what　will　happen　to…morrow？



August　11。　Still　nothing。　I　cannot　stop　at　home　with　this　fear

hanging　over　me　and　these　thoughts　in　my　mind；　I　shall　go　away。



August　12。　Ten　o'clock　at　night。　All　day　long　I　have　been　trying

to　get　away；　and　have　not　been　able。　I　contemplated　a　simple　and

easy　act　of　liberty；　a　carriage　ride　to　Rouenand　I　have　not

been　able　to　do　it。　What　is　the　reason？



August　13。　When　one　is　attacked　by　certain　maladies；　the　springs

of　our　physical　being　seem　broken；　our　energies　destroyed；　our

muscles　relaxed；　our　bones　to　be　as　soft　as　our　flesh；　and　our

blood　as　liquid　as　water。　I　am　experiencing　the　same　in　my　moral

being；　in　a　strange　and　distressing　manner。　I　have　no　longer　any

strength；　any　courage；　any　self…control；　nor　even　any　power　to

set　my　own　will　in　motion。　I　have　no　power　left　to　WILL　anything；

but　some　one　does　it　for　me　and　I　obey。



August　14。　I　am　lost！　Somebody　possesses　my　soul　and　governs　it！

Somebody　orders　all　my　acts；　all　my　movements；　all　my　thoughts。　I

am　no　longer　master　of　myself；　nothing　except　an　enslaved　and

terrified　spectator　of　the　things　which　I　do。　I　wish　to　go　out；　I

cannot。　HE　does　not　wish　to；　and　so　I　remain；　trembling　and

distracted　in　the　armchair　in　which　he　keeps　me　sitting。　I　merely

wish　to　get　up　and　to　rouse　myself；　so　as　to　think　that　I　am

still　master　of　myself：　I　cannot！　I　am　riveted　to　my　chair；　and

my　chair　adheres　to　the　floor　in　such　a　manner　that　no　force　of

mine　can　move　us。



Then　suddenly；　I　must；　I　MUST　go　to　the　foot　of　my　garden　to　pick

some　strawberries　and　eat　them　and　I　go　there。　I　pick　the

strawberries　and　I　eat　them！　Oh！　my　God！　my　God！　Is　there　a　God？

If　there　be　one；　deliver　me！　save　me！　succor　me！　Pardon！　Pity！

Mercy！　Save　me！　Oh！　what　sufferings！　what　torture！　what　horror！



August　15。　Certainly　this　is　the　way　in　which　my　poor　cousin　was

possessed　and　swayed；　when　she　came　to　borrow　five　thousand

francs　of　me。　She　was　under　the　power　of　a　strange　will　which　had

entered　into　her；　like　another　soul；　a　parasitic　and　ruling　soul。

Is　the　world　coming　to　an　end？



But　who　is　he；　this　invisible　being　that　rules　me；　this

unknowable　being；　this　rover　of　a　supernatural　race？



Invisible　beings　exist；　then！　how　is　it；　then；　that　since　the

beginning　of　the　world　they　have　never　manifested　themselves　in

such　a　manner　as　they　do　to　me？　I　have　never　read　anything　that

resembles　what　goes　on　in　my　house。　Oh！　If　I　could　only　leave　it；

if　I　could　only　go　away