memoirs of carwin the biloquist-第13部分

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t　of　memory；　he　was　willing　to　receive　my　confession。

I　declared　myself　ready　to　do　so。

I　need　not；　he　returned；　remind　you　of　the　consequences　of　concealment　or　deceit。　　I　have　already　dwelt　upon　these　consequences。　　As　to　the　past；　you　have　already　told　me；　perhaps；　all　that　is　of　any　moment　to　know。　　It　is　in　relation　to　the　future　that　caution　will　be　chiefly　necessary。　　Hitherto　your　actions　have　been　nearly　indifferent　to　the　ends　of　your　future　existence。　Confessions　of　the　past　are　required；　because　they　are　an　earnest　of　the　future　character　and　conduct。　　Have　you　thenbut　this　is　too　abrupt。　　Take　an　hour　to　reflect　and　deliberate。　　Go　by　yourself；　take　yourself　to　severe　task；　and　make　up　your　mind　with　a　full；　entire；　and　unfailing　resolution；　for　the　moment　in　which　you　assume　this　new　obligation　will　make　you　a　new　being。　Perdition　or　felicity　will　hang　upon　that　moment。

This　conversation　was　late　in　the　evening。　　After　I　had　consented　to　postpone　this　subject；　we　parted；　he　telling　me　that　he　would　leave　his　chamber　door　open；　and　as　soon　as　my　mind　was　made　up　I　might　come　to　him。


*The　reader　must　be　reminded　that　the　incidents　of　this　narrative　are　supposed　to　have　taken　place　before　the　voyages　of　Bougainville　and　Cook。Editor。



Chapter　X。


I　retired　accordingly　to　my　apartment；　and　spent　the　prescribed　hour　in　anxious　and　irresolute　reflections。　　They　were　no　other　than　had　hitherto　occurred；　but　they　occurred　with　more　force　than　ever。　　Some　fatal　obstinacy；　however；　got　possession　of　me；　and　I　persisted　in　the　resolution　of　concealing　~~one　thing~~。　We　become　fondly　attached　to　objects　and　pursuits；　frequently　for　no　conceivable　reason　but　the　pain　and　trouble　they　cost　us。　　In　proportion　to　the　danger　in　which　they　involve　us　do　we　cherish　them。　　Our　darling　potion　is　the　poison　that　scorches　our　vitals。

After　some　time；　I　went　to　Ludloe's　apartment。　　I　found　him　solemn；　and　yet　benign；　at　my　entrance。　　After　intimating　my　compliance　with　the　terms　prescribed；　which　I　did；　in　spite　of　all　my　labour　for　composure；　with　accents　half　faultering；　he　proceeded　to　put　various　questions　to　me；　relative　to　my　early　history。

I　knew　there　was　no　other　mode　of　accomplishing　the　end　in　view；　but　by　putting　all　that　was　related　in　the　form　of　answers　to　questions；　and　when　meditating　on　the　character　of　Ludloe；　I　experienced　excessive　uneasiness　as　to　the　consummate　art　and　penetration　which　his　questions　would　manifest。　　Conscious　of　a　purpose　to　conceal；　my　fancy　invested　my　friend　with　the　robe　of　a　judicial　inquisitor；　all　whose　questions　should　aim　at　extracting　the　truth；　and　entrapping　the　liar。

In　this　respect；　however；　I　was　wholly　disappointed。　　All　his　inquiries　were　general　and　obvious。They　betokened　curiosity；　but　not　suspicion；　yet　there　were　moments　when　I　saw；　or　fancied　I　saw；　some　dissatisfaction　betrayed　in　his　features；　and　when　I　arrived　at　that　period　of　my　story　which　terminated　with　my　departure；　as　his　companion；　for　Europe；　his　pauses　were；　I　thought；　a　little　longer　and　more　museful　than　I　liked。　　At　this　period；　our　first　conference　ended。　　After　a　talk；　which　had　commenced　at　a　late　hour；　and　had　continued　many　hours；　it　was　time　to　sleep；　and　it　was　agreed　that　next　morning　the　conference　should　be　renewed。

On　retiring　to　my　pillow；　and　reviewing　all　the　circumstances　of　this　interview；　my　mind　was　filled　with　apprehension　and　disquiet。　　I　seemed　to　recollect　a　thousand　things；　which　showed　that　Ludloe　was　not　fully　satisfied　with　my　part　in　this　interview。　A　strange　and　nameless　mixture　of　wrath　and　of　pity　appeared；　on　recollection；　in　the　glances　which；　from　time　to　time；　he　cast　upon　me。　　Some　emotion　played　upon　his　features；　in　which；　as　my　fears　conceived；　there　was　a　tincture　of　resentment　and　ferocity。　　In　vain　I　called　my　usual　sophistries　to　my　aid。　　In　vain　I　pondered　on　the　inscrutable　nature　of　my　peculiar　faculty。　　In　vain　I　endeavoured　to　persuade　myself；　that；　by　telling　the　truth；　instead　of　entitling　myself　to　Ludloe's　approbation；　I　should　only　excite　his　anger；　by　what　he　could　not　but　deem　an　attempt　to　impose　upon　his　belief　an　incredible　tale　of　impossible　events。　　I　had　never　heard　or　read　of　any　instance　of　this　faculty。　　I　supposed　the　case　to　be　absolutely　singular；　and　I　should　be　no　more　entitled　to　credit　in　proclaiming　it；　than　if　I　should　maintain　that　a　certain　billet　of　wood　possessed　the　faculty　of　articulate　speech。　　It　was　now；　however；　too　late　to　retract。　　I　had　been　guilty　of　a　solemn　and　deliberate　concealment。　　I　was　now　in　the　path　in　which　there　was　no　turning　back；　and　I　must　go　forward。

The　return　of　day's　encouraging　beams　in　some　degree　quieted　my　nocturnal　terrors；　and　I　went；　at　the　appointed　hour；　to　Ludloe's　presence。　　I　found　him　with　a　much　more　cheerful　aspect　than　I　expected；　and　began　to　chide　myself；　in　secret；　for　the　folly　of　my　late　apprehensions。

After　a　little　pause；　he　reminded　me；　that　he　was　only　one　among　many；　engaged　in　a　great　and　arduous　design。　　As　each　of　us；　continued　he；　is　mortal；　each　of　us　must；　in　time；　yield　his　post　to　another。Each　of　us　is　ambitious　to　provide　himself　a　successor；　to　have　his　place　filled　by　one　selected　and　instructed　by　himself。　　All　our　personal　feelings　and　affections　are　by　no　means　intended　to　be　swallowed　up　by　a　passion　for　the　general　interest；　when　they　can　be　kept　alive　and　be　brought　into　play；　in　subordination　and　subservience　to　the　~~great　end~~；　they　are　cherished　as　useful；　and　revered　as　laudable；　and　whatever　austerity　and　rigour　you　may　impute　to　my　character；　there　are　few　more　susceptible　of　personal　regards　than　I　am。

You　cannot　know；　till　~~you~~　are　what　~~I~~　am；　what　deep；　what　all…absorbing　interest　I　have　in　the　success　of　my　tutorship　on　this　occasion。　　Most　joyfully　would　I　embrace　a　thousand　deaths；　rather　than　that　you　should　prove　a　recreant。　　The　consequences　of　any　failure　in　your　integrity　will；　it　is　true；　be　fatal　to　yourself：　　but　there　are　some　minds；　of　a　generous　texture；　who　are　more　impatient　under　ills　they　have　inflicted　upon　others；　than　of　those　they　have　brought　upon　themselves；　who　had　rather　perish；　themselves；　in　infamy；　than　bring　infamy　or　death　upon　a　benefactor。

Perhaps　of　such　noble　materials　is　your　mind　composed。　　If　I　had　not　thought　so；　you　would　never　have　been　an　object　of　my　regard；　and　therefore；　in　the　motives　that　shall　impel　you　to　fidelity；　sincerity；　and　perseverance；　some　regard　to　my　happiness　and　welfare　will；　no　doubt；　have　place。

And　yet　I　exact　nothing　from　you　on　this　score。　　If　your　own　safety　be　insufficient　to　controul　you；　you　are　not　fit　for　us。　There　is；　indeed；　abundant　need　of　all　possible　inducements　to　make　you　faithful。　　The　task　of　concealing　nothing　from　me　must　be　easy。　That　of　concealing　every　thing　from　others　must　be　the　only　arduous　one。　　The　~~first~~　you　can　hardly　fail　of　performing；　when　the　exigence　requires　it；　for　what　motive　can　you　possibly　have　to　practice　evasion　or　disguise　with　me？　　You　have　surely　committed　no　crime；　you　have　neither　robbed；　nor　murdered；　nor　betrayed。　　If　you　have；　there　is　no　room　for　the　fear　of　punishment　or　the　terror　of　disgrace　to　step　in；　and　make　you　hide　your　guilt　from　me。　　You　cannot　dread　any　further　disclosure；　because　I　can　have　no　interest　in　your　ruin　or　your　shame：　　and　what　evil　could　ensue　the　confession　of　the　foulest　murder；　even　before　a　bench　of　magistrates；　more　dreadful　than　that　which　will　inevitably　follow　the　practice　of　the　least　concealment　to　me；　or　the　least　undue　disclosure　to　others？

You　cannot　easily　conceive　the　emphatical　solemnity　with　which　this　was　spoken。　　Had　he　fixed　piercing　eyes　on　me　while　he　spoke；　had　I　perceived　him　watching　my　looks；　and　labouring　to　penetrate　my　secret　thoughts；　I　should　doubtless　have　been　ruined：　　but　he　fixed　his　eyes　upon　the　floor；　and　no　gesture　or　look　indicated　the　smallest　suspicion　of　my　conduct。　　After　some　pause；　he　continued；　in　a　more　pathetic　tone；　while　his　whole　frame　seemed　to　partake　of　his　mental　agitation。

I　am　greatly　at　a　loss　by　what　means　to　impress　you　with　a　full　conviction　of　the　truth　of　what　I　have　just　said。　　Endless　are　the　sophistries　by　which　we　seduce　ourselves　into　perilous　and　doubtful　paths。　　What　we　do　not　see；　we　disbelieve；　or　we　heed　not。　The　sword　may　descend　upon　our　infatuated　head　from　above；　but　we　who　are；　meanwhile；　busily　inspecting　the　ground　at　our　feet；　or　gazing　at　the　scene　around　us；　are　not　aware　or　apprehensive　of　its　irresistible　coming。　　In　this　case；　it　must　not　be　seen　before　it　is　felt；　or　before　that　time　comes　when　the　danger　of　incurring　it　is　over。　　I　cannot　withdraw　the　veil；　and　disclose　to　your　view　the　exterminating　angel。　　All　must　be　vacant　and　blank；　and　the　danger　that　stands　armed　with　death　at　your　elbow　must　continue　to　be　totally　invisible；　till　that　moment　when　its　vengeance　is　provoked　or　unprovokable。　　I　will　do　my　part　to　encourage　you　in　good；　or　intimidate　you　from　evil。　　I　am　anxious　to　set　before　you　all　the　motives　which　are　fitted　to　influence　your　conduct；　but　how　shall　I　work　on　your　convictions？

Here　another　pause　ensued；　which　I　had　not　courage　enough　to　interrupt。　　He　presently　resumed。

Perhaps　you　recollect　a　visit　which　you　paid；　on　Christmas　day；　in　the　year　；　to　the　cathedral　church　at　Toledo。　　Do　you　remember？

A　moment's　reflection　recalled　to　my　mind　all　the　incidents　of　that　day。　　I　had　good　reason　to　remember　them。　　I　felt　no　small　trepidation　when　Ludloe　referred　me　to　that　day；　for；　at　the　moment；　I　was　doubtful　whether　there　had　not　been　some　bivocal　agency　exerted　On　that　occasion。　　Luckily；　however；　it　was　almost　the　only　similar　occasion　in　which　it　had　been　wholly　silent。

I　answered　in　the　affirmative。　　I　remember　them　perfectly。

And　yet；　said　Ludloe；　with　a　smile　that　seemed　intended　to　disarm　this　declaration　of　some　of　its　terrors；　I　suspect　your　recollection　is　not　as　exact　as　mine；　nor；　indeed；　your　knowledge　as　extensive。　　You　met　there；　for　the　first　time；　a　female；　whose　nominal　uncle；　but　real　father；　a　dean　of　that　ancient　church；　resided　in　a　blue　stone　house；　the　third　from　the　west　angle　of　the　square　of　St。　　Jago。

All　thi