stories by modern american authors-第50部分

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without　its　terrors。　　Would　to　heaven　it　were　come　and　gone！



I　feel　no　reluctance；　my　friends；　to　be　thus　explicit。　　Time　was；

when　these　emotions　would　be　hidden　with　immeasurable　solicitude

from　every　human　eye。　　Alas！　these　airy　and　fleeting　impulses　of

shame　are　gone。　　My　scruples　were　preposterous　and　criminal。　　They

are　bred　in　all　hearts　by　a　perverse　and　vicious　education；　and

they　would　still　have　maintained　their　place　in　my　heart；　had　not

my　portion　been　set　in　misery。　　My　errors　have　taught　me　thus　much

wisdom：that　those　sentiments　which　we　ought　not　to　disclose　it　is

criminal　to　harbor。



It　was　proposed　to　begin　the　rehearsal　at　four　o'clock。　　I　counted

the　minutes　as　they　passed；　their　flight　was　at　once　too　rapid　and

too　slow：　my　sensations　were　of　an　excruciating　kind；　I　could　taste

no　food；　nor　apply　to　any　task；　nor　enjoy　a　moment's　repose；　when

the　hour　arrived　I　hastened　to　my　brother's。



Pleyel　was　not　there。　　He　had　not　yet　come。　　On　ordinary　occasions

he　was　eminent　for　punctuality。　　He　had　testified　great　eagerness

to　share　in　the　pleasures　of　this　rehearsal。　　He　was　to　divide　the

task　with　my　brother；　and　in　tasks　like　these　he　always　engaged

with　peculiar　zeal。　　His　elocution　was　less　sweet　than　sonorous；

and；　therefore；　better　adapted　than　the　mellifluences　of　his　friend

to　the　outrageous　vehemence　of　this　drama。



What　could　detain　him？　　Perhaps　he　lingered　through　forgetfulness。

Yet　this　was　incredible。　　Never　had　his　memory　been　known　to　fail

upon　even　more　trivial　occasions。　　Not　less　impossible　was　it　that

the　scheme　had　lost　its　attractions；　and　that　he　stayed　because　his

coming　would　afford　him　no　gratification。　　But　why　should　we　expect

him　to　adhere　to　the　minute？



A　half…hour　elapsed；　but　Pleyel　was　still　at　a　distance。　　Perhaps

he　had　misunderstood　the　hour　which　had　been　proposed。　　Perhaps　he

had　conceived　that　to…morrow；　and　not　to…day；　had　been　selected　for

this　purpose；　but　no。　　A　review　of　preceding　circumstances

demonstrated　that　such　misapprehension　was　impossible；　for　he　had

himself　proposed　this　day；　and　this　hour。　　This　day　his　attention

would　not　otherwise　be　occupied；　but　to…morrow　an　indispensable

engagement　was　foreseen；　by　which　all　his　time　would　be　engrossed；

his　detention；　therefore；　must　be　owing　to　some　unforeseen　and

extraordinary　event。　　Our　conjectures　were　vague；　tumultuous；　and

sometimes　fearful。　　His　sickness　and　his　death　might　possibly　have

detained　him。



Tortured　with　suspense；　we　sat　gazing　at　each　other；　and　at　the

path　which　led　from　the　road。　　Every　horseman　that　passed　was；　for

a　moment；　imagined　to　be　him。　　Hour　succeeded　hour；　and　the　sun；

gradually　declining；　at　length　disappeared。　　Every　signal　of　his

coming　proved　fallacious；　and　our　hopes　were　at　length　dismissed。

His　absence　affected　my　friends　in　no　insupportable　degree。　　They

should　be　obliged；　they　said；　to　defer　this　undertaking　till　the

morrow；　and　perhaps　their　impatient　curiosity　would　compel　them　to

dispense　entirely　with　his　presence。　　No　doubt　some　harmless

occurrence　had　diverted　him　from　his　purpose；　and　they　trusted　that

they　should　receive　a　satisfactory　account　of　him　in　the　morning。



It　may　be　supposed　that　this　disappointment　affected　me　in　a　very

different　manner。　　I　turned　aside　my　head　to　conceal　my　tears。　　I

fled　into　solitude；　to　give　vent　to　my　reproaches　without

interruption　or　restraint。　　My　heart　was　ready　to　burst　with

indignation　and　grief。　　Pleyel　was　not　the　only　object　of　my　keen

but　unjust　upbraiding。　　Deeply　did　I　execrate　my　own　folly。　　Thus

fallen　into　ruins　was　the　gay　fabric　which　I　had　reared！　　Thus　had

my　golden　vision　melted　into　air！



How　fondly　did　I　dream　that　Pleyel　was　a　lover！　　If　he　were；　would

he　have　suffered　any　obstacle　to　hinder　his　coming？　　〃Blind　and

infatuated　man！〃　I　exclaimed。　　〃Thou　sportest　with　happiness。　　The

good　that　is　offered　thee　thou　hast　the　insolence　and　folly　to

refuse。　　Well；　I　will　henceforth　intrust　my　felicity　to　no　one's

keeping　but　my　own。〃



The　first　agonies　of　this　disappointment　would　not　allow　me　to　be

reasonable　or　just。　　Every　ground　on　which　I　had　built　the

persuasion　that　Pleyel　was　not　unimpressed　in　my　favor　appeared　to

vanish。　　It　seemed　as　if　I　had　been　misled　into　this　opinion　by　the

most　palpable　illusions。



I　made　some　trifling　excuse；　and　returned；　much　earlier　than　I

expected；　to　my　own　house。　　I　retired　early　to　my　chamber；　without

designing　to　sleep。　　I　placed　myself　at　a　window；　and　gave　the

reins　to　reflection。



The　hateful　and　degrading　impulses　which　had　lately　controlled　me

were；　in　some　degree；　removed。　　New　dejection　succeeded；　but　was

now　produced　by　contemplating　my　late　behavior。　　Surely　that

passion　is　worthy　to　be　abhorred　which　obscures　our　understanding

and　urges　us　to　the　commission　of　injustice。　　What　right　had　I　to

expect　his　attendance？　　Had　I　not　demeaned　myself　like　one

indifferent　to　his　happiness；　and　as　having　bestowed　my　regards

upon　another？　　His　absence　might　be　prompted　by　the　love　which　I

considered　his　absence　as　a　proof　that　he　wanted。　　He　came　not

because　the　sight　of　me；　the　spectacle　of　my　coldness　or　aversion；

contributed　to　his　despair。　　Why　should　I　prolong；　by　hypocrisy　or

silence；　his　misery　as　well　as　my　own？　　Why　not　deal　with　him

explicitly；　and　assure　him　of　the　truth？



You　will　hardly　believe　that；　in　obedience　to　this　suggestion；　I

rose　for　the　purpose　of　ordering　a　light；　that　I　might　instantly

make　this　confession　in　a　letter。　　A　second　thought　showed　me　the

rashness　of　this　scheme；　and　I　wondered　by　what　infirmity　of　mind　I

could　be　betrayed　into　a　momentary　approbation　of　it。　　I　saw　with

the　utmost　clearness　that　a　confession　like　that　would　be　the　most

remediless　and　unpardonable　outrage　upon　the　dignity　of　my　sex；　and

utterly　unworthy　of　that　passion　which　controlled　me。



I　resumed　my　seat　and　my　musing。　　To　account　for　the　absence　of

Pleyel　became　once　more　the　scope　of　my　conjectures。　　How　many

incidents　might　occur　to　raise　an　insuperable　impediment　in　his

way！　　When　I　was　a　child；　a　scheme　of　pleasure；　in　which　he　and　his

sister　were　parties；　had　been　in　like　manner　frustrated　by　his

absence；　but　his　absence；　in　that　instance；　had　been　occasioned　by

his　falling　from　a　boat　into　the　river；　in　consequence　of　which　he

had　run　the　most　imminent　hazard　of　being　drowned。　　Here　was　a

second　disappointment　endured　by　the　same　persons；　and　produced　by

his　failure。　　Might　it　not　originate　in　the　same　cause？　　Had　he　not

designed　to　cross　the　river　that　morning　to　make　some　necessary

purchases　in　New　Jersey？　　He　had　preconcerted　to　return　to　his　own

house　to　dinner　but　perhaps　some　disaster　had　befallen　him。

Experience　had　taught　me　the　insecurity　of　a　canoe；　and　that　was

the　only　kind　of　boat　which　Pleyel　used；　I　was；　likewise；　actuated

by　an　hereditary　dread　of　water。　　These　circumstances　combined　to

bestow　considerable　plausibility　on　this　conjecture；　but　the

consternation　with　which　I　began　to　be　seized　was　allayed　by

reflecting　that；　if　this　disaster　had　happened；　my　brother　would

have　received　the　speediest　information　of　it。　　The　consolation

which　this　idea　imparted　was　ravished　from　me　by　a　new　thought。

This　disaster　might　have　happened；　and　his　family　not　be　apprised

of　it。　　The　first　intelligence　of　his　fate　may　be　communicated　by

the　livid　corpse　which　the　tide　may　cast；　many　days　hence；　upon　the

shore。



Thus　was　I　distressed　by　opposite　conjectures；　thus　was　I　tormented

by　phantoms　of　my　own　creation。　　It　was　not　always　thus。　　I　can

ascertain　the　date　when　my　mind　became　the　victim　of　this

imbecility；　perhaps　it　was　coeval　with　the　inroad　of　a　fatal

passion；a　passion　that　will　never　rank　me　in　the　number　of　its

eulogists；　it　was　alone　sufficient　to　the　extermination　of　my

peace；　it　was　itself　a　plenteous　source　of　calamity；　and　needed　not

the　concurrence　of　other　evils　to　take　away　the　attractions　of

existence　and　dig　for　me　an　untimely　grave。



The　state　of　my　mind　naturally　introduced　a　train　of　reflections

upon　the　dangers　and　cares　which　inevitably　beset　a　human　being。

By　no　violent　transition　was　I　led　to　ponder　on　the　turbulent　life

and　mysterious　end　of　my　father。　　I　cherished　with　the　utmost

veneration　the　memory　of　this　man；　and　every　relic　connected　with

his　fate　was　preserved　with　the　most　scrupulous　care。　　Among　these

was　to　be　numbered　a　manuscript　containing　memoirs　of　his　own　life。

The　narrative　was　by　no　means　recommended　by　its　eloquence；　but

neither　did　all　its　value　flow　from　my　relationship　to　the　author。

Its　style　had　an　unaffected　and　picturesque　simplicity。　　The　great

variety　and　circumstantial　display　of　the　incidents；　together　with

their　intrinsic　importance　as　descriptive　of　human　manners　and

passions；　made　it　the　most　useful　book　in　my　collection。　　It　was

late：　but；　being　sensible　of　no　inclination　to　sleep；　I　resolved　to

betake　myself　to　the　perusal　of　it。



To　do　this；　it　was　requisite　to　procure　a　light。　　The　girl　had　long

since　retired　to　her　chamber：　it　was　therefore　proper　to　wait　upon

myself。　　A　lamp；　and　the　means　of　lighting　it；　were　only　to　be

found　in　the　kitchen。　　Thither　I　resolved　forthwith　to　repair；　but

the　light　was　of　use　merely　to　enable　me　to　read　the　book。　　I　knew

the　shelf　and　the　spot　where　it　stood。　　Whether　I　took　down　the

book；　or　prepared　the　lamp　in　the　first　place；　appeared　to　be　a

matter　of　no　moment。　　The　latter　was　preferred；　and；　leaving　my

seat；　I　approached　the　closet　in　which；　as　I　mentioned　formerly；　my

books　and　papers　were　deposited。



Suddenly　the　remembrance　of　what　had　lately　passed　in　this　closet

occurred。　　Whether　midnight　was　approaching；　or　had　passed；　I　knew

not。　　I　was；　as　then；　alone　and　defenseless。　　The　wind　was　in　that

direction　in　which；　aided　by　the　deathlike　repose　of　nature；　i