lavengro-第94部分

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of　an　hour；　I　found　him　more　calm；　he　motioned　me　to　sit　down；　and；　

after　a　short　pause；　continued　his　narration。







CHAPTER　LXXVI







Hasty　farewell　…　Lofty　rock　…　Wrestlings　of　Jacob　…　No　rest　…　Ways　

of　Providence　…　Two　females　…　Foot　of　the　Cross　…　Enemy　of　souls　…　

Perplexed　…　Lucky　hour　…　Valetudinarian　…　Methodists　…　Fervent　in　

prayer　…　You　Saxons　…　Weak　creatures　…　Very　agreeable　…　Almost　

happy　…　Kindness　and　solicitude。



'WHERE　was　I；　young　man？　　Oh；　I　remember；　at　the　fatal　passage　

which　removed　all　hope。　　I　will　not　dwell　on　what　I　felt。　　I　closed　

my　eyes；　and　wished　that　I　might　be　dreaming；　but　it　was　no　dream；　

but　a　terrific　reality：　　I　will　not　dwell　on　that　period；　I　should　

only　shock　you。　　I　could　not　bear　my　feelings；　so；　bidding　my　

friends　a　hasty　farewell；　I　abandoned　myself　to　horror　and　despair；　

and　ran　wild　through　Wales；　climbing　mountains　and　wading　streams。



'Climbing　mountains　and　wading　streams；　I　ran　wild　about；　I　was　

burnt　by　the　sun；　drenched　by　the　rain；　and　had　frequently　at　night　

no　other　covering　than　the　sky；　or　the　humid　roof　of　some　cave；　but　

nothing　seemed　to　affect　my　constitution；　probably　the　fire　which　

burned　within　me　counteracted　what　I　suffered　from　without。　　During　

the　space　of　three　years　I　scarcely　knew　what　befell　me；　my　life　

was　a　dream　…　a　wild；　horrible　dream；　more　than　once　I　believe　I　

was　in　the　hands　of　robbers；　and　once　in　the　hands　of　gypsies。　　I　

liked　the　last　description　of　people　least　of　all；　I　could　not　

abide　their　yellow　faces；　or　their　ceaseless　clabber。　　Escaping　

from　these　beings；　whose　countenances　and　godless　discourse　brought　

to　my　mind　the　demons　of　the　deep　Unknown；　I　still　ran　wild　through　

Wales；　I　know　not　how　long。　　On　one　occasion；　coming　in　some　degree　

to　my　recollection；　I　felt　myself　quite　unable　to　bear　the　horrors　

of　my　situation；　looking　round　I　found　myself　near　the　sea；　

instantly　the　idea　came　into　my　head　that　I　would　cast　myself　into　

it；　and　thus　anticipate　my　final　doom。　　I　hesitated　a　moment；　but　a　

voice　within　me　seemed　to　tell　me　that　I　could　do　no　better；　the　

sea　was　near；　and　I　could　not　swim；　so　I　determined　to　fling　myself　

into　the　sea。　　As　I　was　running　along　at　great　speed；　in　the　

direction　of　a　lofty　rock；　which　beetled　over　the　waters；　I　

suddenly　felt　myself　seized　by　the　coat。　　I　strove　to　tear　myself　

away；　but　in　vain；　looking　round；　I　perceived　a　venerable　hale　old　

man；　who　had　hold　of　me。　　〃Let　me　go！〃　said　I；　fiercely。　　〃I　will　

not　let　thee　go；〃　said　the　old　man；　and　now；　instead　of　with　one；　

he　grappled　me　with　both　hands。　　〃In　whose　name　dost　thou　detain　

me？〃　said　I；　scarcely　knowing　what　I　said。　　〃In　the　name　of　my　

Master；　who　made　thee　and　yonder　sea；　and　has　said　to　the　sea；　So　

far　shalt　thou　come；　and　no　farther；　and　to　thee；　Thou　shalt　do　no　

murder。〃　　〃Has　not　a　man　a　right　to　do　what　he　pleases　with　his　

own？〃　said　I。　　〃He　has；〃　said　the　old　man；　〃but　thy　life　is　not　thy　

own；　thou　art　accountable　for　it　to　thy　God。　　Nay；　I　will　not　let　

thee　go；〃　he　continued；　as　I　again　struggled；　〃if　thou　struggle　

with　me　the　whole　day　I　will　not　let　thee　go；　as　Charles　Wesley　

says；　in　his　'Wrestlings　of　Jacob'；　and　see；　it　is　of　no　use　

struggling；　for　I　am；　in　the　strength　of　my　Master；　stronger　than　

thou〃；　and　indeed；　all　of　a　sudden　I　had　become　very　weak　and　

exhausted；　whereupon　the　old　man；　beholding　my　situation；　took　me　

by　the　arm　and　led　me　gently　to　a　neighbouring　town；　which　stood　

behind　a　hill；　and　which　I　had　not　before　observed；　presently　he　

opened　the　door　of　a　respectable…looking　house；　which　stood　beside　

a　large　building　having　the　appearance　of　a　chapel；　and　conducted　

me　into　a　small　room；　with　a　great　many　books　in　it。　　Having　caused　

me　to　sit　down；　he　stood　looking　at　me　for　some　time；　occasionally　

heaving　a　sigh。　　I　was；　indeed；　haggard　and　forlorn。　　〃Who　art　

thou？〃　he　said　at　last。　　〃A　miserable　man；〃　I　replied。　　〃What　makes　

thee　miserable？〃　said　the　old　man。　　〃A　hideous　crime；〃　I　replied。　　

〃I　can　find　no　rest；　like　Cain　I　wander　here　and　there。〃　　The　old　

man　turned　pale。　　〃Hast　thou　taken　another's　life？〃　said　he；　〃if　

so；　I　advise　thee　to　surrender　thyself　to　the　magistrate；　thou　

canst　do　no　better；　thy　doing　so　will　be　the　best　proof　of　thy　

repentance；　and　though　there　be　no　hope　for　thee　in　this　world　

there　may　be　much　in　the　next。〃　　〃No；〃　said　I；　〃I　have　never　taken　

another's　life。〃　　〃What　then；　another's　goods？　　If　so；　restore　them　

sevenfold；　if　possible：　　or；　if　it　be　not　in　thy　power；　and　thy　

conscience　accuse　thee；　surrender　thyself　to　the　magistrate；　and　

make　the　only　satisfaction　thou　art　able。〃　　〃I　have　taken　no　one's　

goods；〃　said　I。　　〃Of　what　art　thou　guilty；　then？〃　said　he。　　〃Art　

thou　a　drunkard？　a　profligate？〃　　〃Alas；　no；〃　said　I；　〃I　am　neither　

of　these；　would　that　I　were　no　worse。〃



'Thereupon　the　old　man　looked　steadfastly　at　me　for　some　time；　

then；　after　appearing　to　reflect；　he　said；　〃Young　man；　I　have　a　

great　desire　to　know　your　name。〃　　〃What　matters　it　to　you　what　is　

my　name？〃　said　I；　〃you　know　nothing　of　me。〃　　〃Perhaps　you　are　

mistaken；〃　said　the　old　man；　looking　kindly　at　me；　〃but　at　all　

events　tell　me　your　name。〃　　I　hesitated　a　moment；　and　then　told　him　

who　I　was；　whereupon　he　exclaimed　with　much　emotion；　〃I　thought　so；　

how　wonderful　are　the　ways　of　Providence。　　I　have　heard　of　thee；　

young　man；　and　know　thy　mother　well。　　Only　a　month　ago；　when　upon　a　

journey；　I　experienced　much　kindness　from　her。　　She　was　speaking　to　

me　of　her　lost　child；　with　tears；　she　told　me　that　you　were　one　of　

the　best　of　sons；　but　that　some　strange　idea　appeared　to　have　

occupied　your　mind。　　Despair　not；　my　son。　　If　thou　hast　been　

afflicted；　I　doubt　not　but　that　thy　affliction　will　eventually　turn　

out　to　thy　benefit；　I　doubt　not　but　that　thou　wilt　be　preserved；　as　

an　example　of　the　great　mercy　of　God。　　I　will　now　kneel　down　and　

pray　for　thee；　my　son。〃



'He　knelt　down；　and　prayed　long　and　fervently。　　I　remained　standing　

for　some　time；　at　length　I　knelt　down　likewise。　　I　scarcely　knew　

what　he　was　saying；　but　when　he　concluded　I　said　〃Amen。〃



'And　when　we　had　risen　from　our　knees；　the　old　man　left　me　for　a　

short　time；　and　on　his　return　led　me　into　another　room；　where　were　

two　females；　one　was　an　elderly　person；　the　wife　of　the　old　man；　…　

the　other　was　a　young　woman　of　very　prepossessing　appearance　（hang　

not　down　thy　head；　Winifred）；　who　I　soon　found　was　a　distant　

relation　of　the　old　man；　…　both　received　me　with　great　kindness；　

the　old　man　having　doubtless　previously　told　them　who　I　was。



'I　stayed　several　days　in　the　good　man's　house。　　I　had　still　the　

greater　portion　of　a　small　sum　which　I　happened　to　have　about　me　

when　I　departed　on　my　dolorous　wandering；　and　with　this　I　purchased　

clothes；　and　altered　my　appearance　considerably。　　On　the　evening　of　

the　second　day　my　friend　said；　〃I　am　going　to　preach；　perhaps　you　

will　come　and　hear　me。〃　　I　consented；　and　we　all　went；　not　to　a　

church；　but　to　the　large　building　next　the　house；　for　the　old　man；　

though　a　clergyman；　was　not　of　the　established　persuasion；　and　

there　the　old　man　mounted　a　pulpit；　and　began　to　preach。　　〃Come　

unto　me；　all　ye　that　labour　and　are　heavy　laden；〃　etc。　etc。；　was　

his　text。　　His　sermon　was　long；　but　I　still　bear　the　greater　

portion　of　it　in　my　mind。



'The　substance　of　it　was　that　Jesus　was　at　all　times　ready　to　take　

upon　Himself　the　burden　of　our　sins；　provided　we　came　to　Him　with　a　

humble　and　contrite　spirit；　and　begged　His　help。　　This　doctrine　was　

new　to　me；　I　had　often　been　at　church；　but　had　never　heard　it　

preached　before；　at　least　so　distinctly。　　When　he　said　that　all　men　

might　be　saved；　I　shook；　for　I　expected　he　would　add；　all　except　

those　who　had　committed　the　mysterious　sin；　but　no；　all　men　were　to　

be　saved　who　with　a　humble　and　contrite　spirit　would　come　to　Jesus；　

cast　themselves　at　the　foot　of　His　cross；　and　accept　pardon　through　

the　merits　of　His　blood…shedding　alone。　　〃Therefore；　my　friends；〃　

said　he；　in　conclusion；　〃despair　not　…　however　guilty　you　may　be；　

despair　not　…　however　desperate　your　condition　may　seem；〃　said　he；　

fixing　his　eyes　upon　me；　〃despair　not。　　There　is　nothing　more　

foolish　and　more　wicked　than　despair；　over…weening　confidence　is　

not　more　foolish　than　despair；　both　are　the　favourite　weapons　of　

the　enemy　of　souls。〃



'This　discourse　gave　rise　in　my　mind　to　no　slight　perplexity。　　I　

had　read　in　the　Scriptures　that　he　who　committeth　a　certain　sin　

shall　never　be　forgiven；　and　that　there　is　no　hope　for　him　either　

in　this　world　or　the　next。　　And　here　was　a　man；　a　good　man　

certainly；　and　one　who；　of　necessity；　was　thoroughly　acquainted　

with　the　Scriptures；　who　told　me　that　any　one　might　be　forgiven；　

however　wicked；　who　would　only　trust　in　Christ　and　in　the　merits　of　

His　blood…shedding。　　Did　I　believe　in　Christ？　　Ay；　truly。　　Was　I　

willing　to　be　saved　by　Christ？　　Ay；　truly。　　Did　I　trust　in　Christ？　　

I　trusted　that　Christ　would　save　every　one　but　myself。　　And　why　not　

myself？　simply　because　the　Scriptures　had　told　me　that　he　who　has　

committed　the　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost　can　never　be　saved；　and　I　

had　committed　the　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost；　…　perhaps　the　only　

one　who　ever　had　committed　it。　　How　could　I　hope？　　The　Scriptures　

could　not　lie；　and　yet　here　was　this　good　old　man；　profoundly　

versed　in　the　Scriptures；　who　bade　me　hope；　would　he　lie？　　No。　　But　

did　the　old　man　know　my　case？　　Ah；　no；　he　did　not　know　my　case！　but　

yet　he　had　bid　me　hope；　whatever　I　had　done；　provided　I　would　go　to　

Jesus。　　But　how　could　I　think　of　going　to　Jesus；　when　the　

Scriptures　told　me　plainly　that　all　would　be　useless？　　I　was　

perplexed；　and　yet　a　ray　of　hope　began　to　dawn　in　my　soul。　　I　

thought　of　consulting　the　good　man；　but　I　was　afraid　he　would　drive