michael-第13部分

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let　himself　feel　and　let　himself　express。　　He　could　see　how　utterly　different　was　Falbe's　general　conception　and　practice　of　life　from　his　own；　to　Michael　it　had　always　been　a　congregation　of　strangersFrancis　exceptedwho　moved　about；　busy　with　each　other　and　with　affairs　that　had　no　allure　for　him；　and　were；　though　not　uncivil；　wholly　alien　to　him。　He　was　willing　to　grant　that　this　alienation；　this　absence　of　comradeship　which　he　had　missed　all　his　life；　was　of　his　own　making；　in　so　far　as　his　shyness　and　sensitiveness　were　the　cause　of　it；　but　in　effect　he　had　never　yet　had　a　friend；　because　he　had　never　yet　taken　his　shutters　down；　so　to　speak；　or　thrown　his　front　door　open。　　He　had　peeped　out　through　chinks；　and　felt　how　lonely　he　was；　but　he　had　not　given　anyone　a　chance　to　get　in。

Falbe；　on　the　other　hand；　lived　at　his　window；　ready　to　hail　the　passer…by；　even　as　he　had　hailed　Michael；　with　cheerful　words。　There　he　lounged　in　his　shirt…sleeves；　you　might　say；　with　elbows　on　the　window…sill；　and　not　from　politeness；　but　from　good　fellowship；　from　the　fact　that　he　liked　people；　was　at　home　to　everybody。　　He　liked　people；　there　was　the　key　to　it。　　And　Michael；　however　much　he　might　be　capable　of　liking　people；　had　up　till　now　given　them　no　sign　of　it。　　It　really　was　not　their　fault　if　they　had　not　guessed　it。

Two　days　passed；　on　the　first　of　which　Parsifal　was　given；　and　on　the　second　Meistersinger。　　On　the　third　there　was　no　performance；　and　the　two　young　men　had　agreed　to　meet　in　the　morning　and　drive　out　of　the　town　to　a　neighbouring　village　among　the　hills；　and　spend　the　day　there　in　the　woods。　　Michael　had　looked　forward　to　this　day　with　extraordinary　pleasure；　but　there　was　mingled　with　it　a　sort　of　agony　of　apprehension　that　Falbe　would　find　him　a　very　boring　companion。　　But　the　precepts　of　Aunt　Barbara　came　to　his　mind；　and　he　reflected　that　the　certain　and　sure　way　of　proving　a　bore　was　to　be　taken　up　with　the　idea　that　he　might　be。　　And　anyhow；　Falbe　had　proposed　the　plan　himself。

They　lunched　in　a　little　restaurant　near　a　forest…enclosed　lake；　and　since　the　day　was　very　hot；　did　no　more　than　stroll　up　the　hill　for　a　hundred　yards；　where　they　would　get　some　hint　of　breeze；　and　disposed　themselves　at　length　on　the　carpet　of　pine…needles。　Through　the　thick　boughs　overhead　the　sunlight　reached　them　only　in　specks　and　flakes；　the　wind　was　but　as　a　distant　sea　in　the　branches；　and　Falbe　rolled　over　on　to　his　face；　and　sniffed　at　the　aromatic　leaves　with　the　gusto　with　which　he　enjoyed　all　that　was　to　him　enjoyable。

〃Ah；　that's　good；　that's　good！〃　he　said。　　〃How　I　love　smells　clean；　sharp　smells　like　this。　　But　they've　got　to　be　wild；　you　can't　tame　a　smell　and　put　it　on　your　handkerchief；　it　takes　the　life　out　of　it。　　Do　you　like　smells；　Comber？〃

〃II　really　never　thought　about　it；〃　said　Michael。

〃Think　now；　then；　and　tell　me；〃　said　Falbe。　　〃If　you　consider；　you　know　such　a　lot　about　me；　and；　as　a　matter　of　fact；　I　know　nothing　whatever　about　you。　　I　know　you　like　musicI　know　you　like　blue　trout；　because　you　ate　so　many　of　them　at　lunch　to…day。　　But　what　else　do　I　know　about　you　？　　I　don't　even　know　what　you　thought　of　Parsifal。　　No；　perhaps　I'm　wrong　there；　because　the　fact　that　you've　never　mentioned　it　probably　shows　that　you　couldn't。　　The　symptom　of　not　understanding　anything　about　Parsifal　is　to　talk　about　it；　and　say　what　a　tremendous　impression　it　has　made　on　you。〃

〃Ah！　you've　guessed　right　there；〃　said　Michael。　　〃I　couldn't　talk　about　it；　there's　nothing　to　say　about　it；　except　that　it　is　Parsifal。〃

〃That's　true。　　It　becomes　part　of　you；　and　you　can't　talk　of　it　any　more　than　you　can　talk　about　your　elbows　and　your　knees。　　It's　one　of　the　things　that　makes　you。　。　。　。〃

He　turned　over　on　to　his　back；　and　laid　his　hands　palm　uppermost　over　his　eyes。

〃That's　part　of　the　glory　of　it　all；〃　he　said；　〃that　art　and　its　emotions　become　part　of　you　like　the　food　you　eat　and　the　wine　you　drink。　　Art　is　always　making　us；　it　enters　into　our　character　and　destiny。　　As　long　as　you　go　on　growing　you　assimilate；　and　thank　God　one's　mind　or　soul；　or　whatever　you　like　to　call　it；　goes　on　growing　for　a　long　time。　　I　suppose　the　moment　comes　to　most　people　when　they　cease　to　grow；　when　they　become　fixed　and　hard；　and　that　is　what　we　mean　by　being　old。　　But　till　then　you　weave　your　destiny；　or；　rather；　people　and　beauty　weave　it　for　you；　as　you'll　see　the　Norns　weaving；　and　yet　you　never　know　what　you　are　making。　You　make　what　you　are；　and　you　never　are　because　you　are　always　becoming。　　You　must　excuse　me；　but　Germans　are　always　metaphysicians；　and　they　can't　help　it。〃

〃Go　on；　be　German；〃　said　Michael。

〃Lieber　Gott！　　As　if　I　could　be　anything　else；〃　said　Falbe；　laughing。　　〃We　are　the　only　nation　which　makes　a　science　of　experimentalism；　we　try　everything；　just　as　a　puppy　tries　everything。　　It　tries　mutton　bones；　and　match…boxes；　and　soap　and　boots；　it　tries　to　find　out　what　its　tail　is　for；　and　bites　it　till　it　hurts；　on　which　it　draws　the　conclusion　that　it　is　not　meant　to　eat。　　Like　all　metaphysicians；　too；　and　dealers　in　the　abstract；　we　are　intensely　practical。　　Our　passion　for　experimentalism　is　dictated　by　the　firm　object　of　using　the　knowledge　we　acquire。　　We　are　tremendously　thorough；　we　waste　nothing；　not　even　time；　whereas　the　English　have　an　absolute　genius　for　wasting　time。　　Look　at　all　your　games；　your　sports；　your　athleticsI　am　being　quite　German　now；　and　forgetting　my　mother；　bless　her！they　are　merely　devices　for　getting　rid　of　the　hours；　and　so　not　having　to　think。　　You　hate　thought　as　a　nation；　and　we　live　for　it。　　Music　is　thought；　all　art　is　thought；　commercial　prosperity　is　thought；　soldiering　is　thought。〃

〃And　we　are　a　nation　of　idiots？〃　asked　Michael。

〃No；　I　didn't　say　that。　　I　should　say　you　are　a　nation　of　sensualists。　　You　value　sensation　above　everything；　you　pursue　the　enjoyable。　　You　are　a　nation　of　children　who　are　always　having　a　perpetual　holiday。　　You　go　straying　all　over　the　world　for　fun；　and　annex　it　generally；　so　that　you　can　have　tiger…shooting　in　India；　and　lots　of　gold　to　pay　for　your　tiger…shooting　in　Africa；　and　fur　from　Canada　for　your　coats。　　But　it's　all　a　game；　not　one　man　in　a　thousand　in　England　has　any　idea　of　Empire。〃

〃Oh；　I　think　you　are　wrong　there；〃　said　Michael。　　〃You　believe　that　only　because　we　don't　talk　about　it。　　It'sit's　like　what　we　agreed　about　Parsifal。　　We　don't　talk　about　it　because　it　is　so　much　part　of　us。〃

Falbe　sat　up。

〃I　deny　it；　I　deny　it　flatly；〃　he　said。　　〃I　know　where　I　get　my　power　of　foolish；　unthinking　enjoyment　from；　and　it's　from　my　English　blood。　　I　rejoice　in　my　English　blood；　because　you　are　the　happiest　people　on　the　face　of　the　earth。　　But　you　are　happy　because　you　don't　think；　whereas　the　joy　of　being　German　is　that　you　do　think。　　England　is　lying　in　the　shade；　like　us；　with　a　cigarette　and　a　drinkI　wish　I　had　oneand　a　golf　ball　or　the　world　with　which　she　has　been　playing　her　game。　　But　Germany　is　sitting　up　all　night　thinking；　and　every　morning　she　gives　an　order　or　two。〃

Michael　supplied　the　cigarette。

〃Do　you　mean　she　is　thinking　about　England's　golf　ball？〃　asked　Michael。

〃Why；　of　course　she　is！　　What　else　is　there　to　think　about？〃

〃Oh；　it's　impossible　that　there　should　be　a　European　war；〃　said　Michael；　〃for　that　is　what　it　will　mean！〃

〃And　why　is　a　European　war　impossible？〃　demanded　Falbe；　lighting　his　cigarette。

〃It's　simply　unthinkable！〃

〃Because　you　don't　think；〃　he　interrupted。　　〃I　can　tell　you　that　the　thought　of　war　is　never　absent　for　a　single　day　from　the　average　German　mind。　　We　are　all　soldiers；　you　see。　　We　start　with　that。　　You　start　by　being　golfers　and　cricketers。　　But　'der　Tag'　is　never　quite　absent　from　the　German　mind。　　I　don't　say　that　all　you　golfers　and　cricketers　wouldn't　make　good　soldiers；　but　you've　got　to　be　made。　　You　can't　be　a　golfer　one　day　and　a　soldier　the　next。〃

Michael　laughed。

〃As　for　that；〃　he　said；　〃I　made　an　uncommonly　bad　soldier。　　But　I　am　an　even　worse　golfer。　　As　for　cricket〃

Falbe　again　interrupted。

〃Ah；　then　at　last　I　know　two　things　about　you；〃　he　said。　　〃You　were　a　soldier　and　you　can't　play　golf。　　I　have　never　known　so　little　about　anybody　after　threefour　days。　　However；　what　is　our　proverb？　　'Live　and　learn。'　　But　it　takes　longer　to　learn　than　to　live。　　Eh；　what　nonsense　I　talk。〃

He　spoke　with　a　sudden　irritation；　and　the　laugh　at　the　end　of　his　speech　was　not　one　of　amusement；　but　rather　of　mockery。　　To　Michael　this　mood　was　quite　inexplicable；　but；　characteristically；　he　looked　about　in　himself　for　the　possible　explanation　of　it。

〃But　what's　the　matter？〃　he　asked。　　〃Have　I　annoyed　you　somehow？　I'm　awfully　sorry。〃

Falbe　did　not　reply　for　a　moment。

〃No；　you've　not　annoyed　me；〃　he　said。　　〃I've　annoyed　myself。　　But　that's　the　worst　of　living　on　one's　nerves；　which　is　the　penalty　of　Baireuth。　　There　is　no　charge；　so　to　speak；　except　for　your　ticket；　but　a　collection　is　made；　as　happens　at　meetings；　and　you　pay　with　your　nerves。　　You　must　cancel　my　annoyance；　please。　　If　I　showed　it　I　did　not　mean　to。〃

Michael　pondered　over　this。

〃But　I　can't　leave　it　like　that；〃　he　said　at　length。　　〃Was　it　about　the　possibility　of　war；　which　I　said　was　unthinkable？〃

Falbe　laughed　and　turned　on　his　elbow　towards　Michael。

〃No；　my　dear　chap；〃　he　said。　　〃You　may　believe　it　to　be　unthinkable；　and　I　may　believe　it　to　be　inevitable；　but　what　does　it　matter　what　either　of　us　believes？　　Che　sara　sara。　　It　was　quite　another　thing　that　caused　me　to　annoy　myself。　　It　does　not　matter。〃

Michael　lay　back　on　the　soft　slope。

〃Yet　I　insist　on　knowing；〃　he　said。　　〃That　is；　I　mean；　if　it　is　not　private。〃

Falbe　lay　quietly　with　his　long　fingers　in　the　sediment　of　pine…　needles。

〃Well；　then；　as　it　is　not　private；　and　as　you　insist；〃　he　said；　〃I　will　certainly　tell　you。　　Does　it　not　strike　you　that　you　are　behaving　like　an　absolute　stranger　to　me？　　We　have　talked　of　me　and　my　home　and　my　plans　all　the　time　since　we　met　at　Victoria　Station；　and　you　have　kept　complete　silence　about　yourself。　　I　know　nothing　of　you；　not　who　you　are；　or　what　you　are；　or　what　your　flag　is。　You　fly　no　flag；　you　proclaim　no　identity。　　You　may　be　a　crossing…　sweeper