michael-第15部分

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He　turned　away　quickly。

〃It　does　not　bear　thinking　of；〃　he　said；　〃and　yet　there　are　many；　oh；　so　many；　who　night　and　day　concern　themselves　with　nothing　else。　　Let　us　be　English　again；　and　not　think　of　anything　serious　or　unpleasant。　　Already；　as　you　know；　I　am　half　English；　there　is　something　to　build　upon。　　Ah；　and　this　is　the　sentimental　hour；　just　when　the　sun　begins　to　touch　the　horizon　line　of　the　stale；　weary　old　earth　and　turns　it　into　rosy　gold　and　heals　its　troubles　and　its　weariness。　　Schon；　Schon！〃

He　stood　for　a　moment　bareheaded　to　the　breeze；　and　made　a　great　florid　salutation　to　the　sun；　now　only　half…disk　above　the　horizon。

〃There！　　I　have　said　my　evensong；〃　he　remarked；　〃like　a　good　German；　who　always　and　always　is　ridiculous　to　the　whole　world；　except　those　who　are　German　also。　　Oh；　I　can　see　how　we　look　to　the　rest　of　the　world　so　well。　　Beer　mug　in　one　hand；　and　mouth　full　of　sausage　and　song；　and　with　the　other　hand；　perhaps；　fingering　a　revolver。　　How　unreal　it　must　seem　to　you；　how　affected；　and　yet　how；　in　truth；　you　miss　it　all。　　Scratch　a　Russian；　they　say；　and　you　find　a　Tartar；　but　scratch　a　German　and　you　find　two　thingsa　sentimentalist　and　a　soldier。　　Lieber　Gott！　　No；　I　will　say；　Good　God！　　I　am　English　again；　and　if　you　scratch　me　you　will　find　a　golf　ball。〃

He　took　Michael's　arm　again。

〃Well；　we've　spent　one　day　together；〃　he　said；　〃and　now　we　know　something　of　who　we　are。　　I　put　this　day　in　the　bank；　it's　mine　or　yours　or　both　of　ours。　　I　won't　tell　you　how　I've　enjoyed　it；　or　you　will　say　that　I　have　enjoyed　it　because　I　have　talked　almost　all　the　time。　　But　since　it's　the　sentimental　hour　I　will　tell　you　that　you　mistake。　　I　have　enjoyed　it　because　I　believe　I　have　found　a　friend。〃


CHAPTER　V


Hermann　Falbe　had　just　gone　back　to　his　lodgings　at　the　end　of　the　Richard　Wagner　Strasse　late　on　the　night　of　their　last　day　at　Baireuth；　and　Michael；　who　had　leaned　out　of　his　window　to　remind　him　of　the　hour　of　their　train's　departure　the　next　morning；　turned　back　into　the　room　to　begin　his　packing。　　That　was　not　an　affair　that　would　take　much　time；　but　since；　on　this　sweltering　August　night；　it　would　certainly　be　a　process　that　involved　the　production　of　much　heat；　he　made　ready　for　bed　first；　and　went　about　his　preparations　in　pyjamas。　　The　work　of　dropping　things　into　a　bag　was　soon　over；　and　finding　it　impossible　to　entertain　the　idea　of　sleep；　he　drew　one　of　the　stiff；　plush…covered　arm…chairs　to　the　window　and　slipped　the　rein　from　his　thoughts；　letting　them　gallop　where　they　pleased。

In　all　his　life　he　had　never　experienced　so　much　sheer　emotion　as　the　last　week　had　held　for　him。　　He　had　enjoyed　his　first　taste　of　liberty；　he　had　stripped　himself　naked　to　music；　he　had　found　a　friend。　　Any　one　of　these　would　have　been　sufficient　to　saturate　him；　and　they　had　all；　in　the　decrees　of　Fate；　come　together。　　His　life　hitherto　had　been　like　some　dry　sponge；　dusty　and　crackling；　now　it　was　plunged　in　the　waters　of　three　seas；　all　incomparably　sweet。

He　had　gained　his　liberty；　and　in　that　process　he　had　forgotten　about　himself；　the　self　which　up　till　now　had　been　so　intolerable　a　burden。　　At　school；　and　even　before；　when　first　the　age　of　self…　consciousness　dawned　upon　him；　he　had　seen　himself　as　he　believed　others　saw　hima　queer；　awkward；　ill…made　boy；　slow　at　his　work；　shy　with　his　fellows；　incapable　at　games。　　Walled　up　in　this　fortress　of　himself；　this　gloomy　and　forbidding　fastness；　he　had　altogether　failed　to　find　the　means　of　access　to　others；　both　to　the　normal　English　boys　among　whom　his　path　lay；　and　also　to　his　teachers；　who；　not　unnaturally；　found　him　sullen　and　unresponsive。　There　was　no　key　among　the　rather　limited　bunches　at　their　command　which　unlocked　him；　nor　at　home　had　anything　been　found　which　could　fit　his　wards。　　It　had　been　the　business　of　school　to　turn　out　boys　of　certain　received　types。　　There　was　the　clever　boy；　the　athletic　boy；　the　merely　pleasant　boy；　these　and　the　combinations　arrived　at　from　these　types　were　the　output。　　There　was　no　use　for　others。

Then　had　succeeded　those　three　nightmare　years　in　the　Guards；　where；　with　his　more　mature　power　of　observation；　he　had　become　more　actively　conscious　of　his　inability　to　take　his　place　on　any　of　the　recognised　platforms。　　And　all　the　time；　like　an　owl　on　his　solitary　perch；　he　had　gazed　out　lonelily；　while　the　other　birds　of　day；　too　polite　to　mock　him；　had　merely　passed　him　by。　　One　such；　it　is　truehis　cousinhad　sat　by　him；　and　the　poor　owl's　heart　had　gone　out　to　him。　　But　even　Francis；　so　he　saw　now；　had　not　understood。　　He　had　but　accepted　the　fact　of　him　without　repugnance；　had　been　fond　of　him　as　a　queer　sort　of　kind　elder　cousin。

Then　there　was　Aunt　Barbara。　　Aunt　Barbara；　Michael　allowed；　had　understood　a　good　deal；　she　had　pointed　out　with　her　unerringly　humourous　finger　the　obstacles　he　had　made　for　himself。

But　could　Aunt　Barbara　understand　the　rapture　of　living　which　this　one　week　of　liberty　had　given　him？　　That　Michael　doubted。　　She　had　only　pointed　out　the　disabilities　he　made　for　himself。　　She　did　not　know　what　he　was　capable　of　in　the　way　of　happiness。　　But　he　thought；　though　without　self…consciousness；　how　delightful　it　would　be　to　show　himself；　the　new；　unshelled　self；　to　Aunt　Barbara　again。

A　laughing　couple　went　tapping　down　the　street　below　his　window；　boy　and　girl；　with　arms　and　waists　interlaced。　　They　were　laughing　at　nothing　at　all；　except　that　they　were　boy　and　girl　together　and　it　was　all　glorious　fun。　　But　the　sight　of　them　gave　Michael　a　sudden　spasm　of　envy。　　With　all　this　enlightenment　that　had　come　to　him　during　this　last　week；　there　had　come　no　gleam　of　what　that　simplest　and　commonest　aspect　of　human　nature　meant。　　He　had　never　felt　towards　a　girl　what　that　round…faced　German　boy　felt。　　He　was　not　sure；　but　he　thought　he　disliked　girls；　they　meant　nothing　to　him；　anyhow；　and　the　mere　thought　of　his　arm　round　a　girl's　waist　only　suggested　a　very　embarrassing　attitude。　　He　had　nothing　to　say　to　them；　and　the　knowledge　of　his　inability　filled　him　with　an　uncomfortable　sense　of　his　want　of　normality；　just　as　did　the　consciousness　of　his　long　arms　and　stumpy　legs。

There　was　a　night　he　remembered　when　Francis　had　insisted　that　he　should　go　with　him　to　a　discreet　little　supper　party　after　an　evening　at　the　music…hall。　　There　were　just　four　of　themhe；　Francis；　and　two　companionsand　he　played　the　role　of　sour　gooseberry　to　his　cousin；　who；　with　the　utmost　gaiety；　had　proved　himself　completely　equal　to　the　inauspicious　occasion；　and　had　drank　indiscriminately　out　of　both　the　girls'　glasses；　and　lit　cigarettes　for　them；　and；　after　seeing　them　both　home；　had　looked　in　on　Michael；　and　gone　into　fits　of　laughter　at　his　general　incompatibility。

The　steps　and　conversation　passed　round　the　corner；　and　Michael；　stretching　his　bare　toes　on　to　the　cool　balcony；　resumed　his　researchesthose　joyful；　unegoistic　researches　into　himself。　　His　liberty　was　bound　up　with　his　music；　the　first　gave　the　key　to　the　second。　　Often　as　he　had　rested；　so　to　speak；　in　oases　of　music　in　London；　they　were　but　a　pause　from　the　desert　of　his　uncongenial　life　into　the　desert　again。　　But　now　the　desert　was　vanished；　and　the　oasis　stretched　illimitable　to　the　horizon　in　front　of　him。　That　was　where；　for　the　future；　his　life　was　to　be　passed；　not　idly；　sitting　under　trees；　but　in　the　eager　pursuit　of　its　unnumbered　paths。　　It　was　that　aspect　of　it　which；　as　he　knew　so　well；　his　father；　for　instance；　would　never　be　able　to　understand。　To　Lord　Ashbridge's　mind；　music　was　vaguely　connected　with　white　waistcoats　and　opera　glasses　and　large　pink　carnations；　he　was　congenitally　incapable　of　viewing　it　in　any　other　light　than　a　diversion；　something　that　took　place　between　nine　and　eleven　o'clock　in　the　evening；　and　in　smaller　quantities　at　church　on　Sunday　morning。　　He　would　undoubtedly　have　said　that　Handel's　Messiah　was　the　noblest　example　of　music　in　the　world；　because　of　its　subject；　music　did　not　exist　for　him　as　a　separate；　definite　and　infinite　factor　of　life；　and　since　it　did　not　so　exist　for　himself；　he　could　not　imagine　it　existing　for　anybody　else。　　That　Michael　correctly　knew　to　be　his　father's　general　demeanour　towards　life；　he　wanted　everybody　in　their　respective　spheres　to　be　like　what　he　was　in　his。　　They　must　take　their　part；　as　he　undoubtedly　did；　in　the　Creation…scheme　when　the　British　aristocracy　came　into　being。

A　fresh　factor　had　come　into　Michael's　conception　of　music　during　these　last　seven　days。　　He　had　become　aware　that　Germany　was　music。　He　had　naturally　known　before　that　the　vast　proportion　of　music　came　from　Germany；　that　almost　all　of　that　which　meant　〃music〃　to　him　was　of　German　origin；　but　that　was　a　very　different　affair　from　the　conviction　now　borne　in　on　his　mind　that　there　was　not　only　no　music　apart　from　Germany；　but　that　there　was　no　Germany　apart　from　music。

But　every　moment　he　spent　in　this　wayside　puddle　of　a　town　（for　so　Baireuth　seemed　to　an　unbiased　view）；　he　became　more　and　more　aware　that　music　beat　in　the　German　blood　even　as　sport　beat　in　the　blood　of　his　own　people。　　During　this　festival　week　Baireuth　existed　only　because　of　that；　at　other　times　Baireuth　was　probably　as　non…　existent　as　any　dull　and　minor　town　in　the　English　Midlands。　　But；　owing　to　the　fact　of　music　being　for　these　weeks　resident　in　Baireuth；　the　sordid　little　townlet　became　the　capital　of　the　huge；　patient　Empire。　　It　existed　just　now　simply　for　that　reason；　to…　night；　with　the　curtain　of　the　last　act　of　Parsifal；　it　had　ceased　to　exist　again。　　It　was　not　that　a　patriotic　desire　to　honour　one　of　the　national　heroes　in　the　home　where　he　had　been　established　by　the　mad　genius　of　a　Bavarian　king　that　moved　them；　it　was　because　for　the　moment　that　Baireuth　to　Germans　meant　Germany。　　From　Berlin；　from　Dresden；　from　Frankfurt；　from　Luxemburg；　from　a　hundred　towns　those　who　were　most　typically　German；　whether　high　or　low；　rich　or　poor；　made　their　joyous　pilgrimage。　　Joy　and　solemnity；　exultation　and　the　yearning　that　could　never　be　satisfied　drew　them　here。　　And　even　as　music　was　in　Michael's　heart；　so　Germany　was　there　also。　　They　were　the　people　who　understood；　they　did　not　go　to　the　opera　a