michael-第2部分

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that　I　could　perhaps　do　something　there；　and　in　any　case　I　love　it　more　than　anything　else。　And　if　you　love　a　thing；　you　have　certainly　a　better　chance　of　succeeding　in　it　than　in　something　that　you　don't　love　at　all。　　I　was　stuck　into　the　army　for　no　reason　except　that　soldiering　is　among　the　few　employments　which　it　is　considered　proper　for　fellows　in　my　positiongood　Lord！　how　awful　it　sounds！proper　for　me　to　adopt。　　The　other　things　that　were　open　were　that　I　should　be　a　sailor　or　a　member　of　Parliament。　　But　the　soldier　was　what　father　chose。　　I　looked　round　the　picture　gallery　at　home　the　other　day；　there　are　twelve　Lord　Ashbridges　in　uniform。　　So；　as　I　shall　be　Lord　Ashbridge　when　father　dies；　I　was　stuck　into　uniform　too；　to　be　the　ill…starred　thirteenth。　　But　what　has　it　all　come　to？　　If　you　think　of　it；　when　did　the　majority　of　them　wear　their　smart　uniforms？　　Chiefly　when　they　went　on　peaceful　parades　or　to　court　balls；　or　to　the　Sir　Joshua　Reynolds　of　the　period　to　be　painted。　They've　been　tin　soldiers；　Francis！　　You're　a　tin　soldier；　and　I've　just　ceased　to　be　a　tin　soldier。　　If　there　was　the　smallest　chance　of　being　useful　in　the　army；　by　which　I　mean　standing　up　and　being　shot　at　because　I　am　English；　I　would　not　dream　of　throwing　it　up。　But　there's　no　such　chance。〃

Michael　paused　a　moment　in　his　sermon；　and　beat　out　the　ashes　from　his　pipe　against　the　grate。

〃Anyhow　the　chance　is　too　remote；〃　he　said。　　〃All　the　nations　with　armies　and　navies　are　too　much　afraid　of　each　other　to　do　more　than　growl。　　Also　I　happen　to　want　to　do　something　different　with　my　life；　and　you　can't　do　anything　unless　you　believe　in　what　you　are　doing。　　I　want　to　leave　behind　me　something　more　than　the　portrait　of　a　tin　soldier　in　the　dining…room　at　Ashbridge。　　After　all；　isn't　an　artistic　profession　the　greatest　there　is？　　For　what　counts；　what　is　of　value　in　the　world　to…day？　　Greek　statues；　the　Italian　pictures；　the　symphonies　of　Beethoven；　the　plays　of　Shakespeare。　The　people　who　have　made　beautiful　things　are　they　who　are　the　benefactors　of　mankind。　　At　least；　so　the　people　who　love　beautiful　things　think。〃

Francis　glanced　at　his　cousin。　　He　knew　this　interesting　vital　side　of　Michael；　he　was　aware；　too；　that　had　anybody　except　himself　been　in　the　room；　Michael　could　not　have　shown　it。　　Perhaps　there　might　be　people　to　whom　he　could　show　it　but　certainly　they　were　not　those　among　whom　Michael's　life　was　passed。

〃Go　on；〃　he　said　encouragingly。　　〃You're　ripping；　Mike。〃

〃Well；　the　nuisance　of　it　is　that　the　things　I　am　ripping　about　appear　to　father　to　be　a　sort　of　indoor　game。　　It's　all　right　to　play　the　piano；　if　it's　too　wet　to　play　golf。　　You　can　amuse　yourself　with　painting　if　there　aren't　any　pheasants　to　shoot。　　In　fact；　he　will　think　that　my　wanting　to　become　a　musician　is　much　the　same　thing　as　if　I　wanted　to　become　a　billiard…marker。　　And　if　he　and　I　talked　about　it　till　we　were　a　hundred　years　old；　he　could　never　possibly　appreciate　my　point　of　view。〃

Michael　got　up　and　began　walking　up　and　down　the　room　with　his　slow；　ponderous　movement。

〃Francis；　it's　a　thousand　pities　that　you　and　I　can't　change　places；〃　he　said。　　〃You　are　exactly　the　son　father　would　like　to　have；　and　I　should　so　much　prefer　being　his　nephew。　　However；　you　come　next；　that's　one　comfort。〃

He　paused　a　moment。

〃You　see；　the　fact　is　that　he　doesn't　like　me；〃　he　said。　　〃He　has　no　sympathy　whatever　with　my　tastes；　nor　with　what　I　am。　　I'm　an　awful　trial　to　him；　and　I　don't　see　how　to　help　it。　　It's　pure　waste　of　time；　my　going　on　in　the　Guards。　　I　do　it　badly；　and　I　hate　it。　　Now；　you're　made　for　it；　you're　that　sort；　and　that　sort　is　my　father's　sort。　　But　I'm　not；　no　one　knows　that　better　than　myself。　　Then　there's　the　question　of　marriage；　too。〃

Michael　gave　a　mirthless　laugh。

〃I'm　twenty…five；　you　see；〃　he　said；　〃and　it's　the　family　custom　for　the　eldest　son　to　marry　at　twenty…five；　just　as　he's　baptised　when　he's　a　certain　number　of　weeks　old；　and　confirmed　when　he　is　fifteen。　　It's　part　of　the　family　plan；　and　the　Medes　and　Persians　aren't　in　it　when　the　family　plan　is　in　question。　　Then；　again；　the　lucky　young　woman　has　to　be　suitable；　that　is　to　say；　she　must　be　what　my　father　calls　'one　of　us。'　　How　I　loathe　that　phrase！　　So　my　mother　has　a　list　of　the　suitable；　and　they　come　down　to　Ashbridge　in　gloomy　succession；　and　she　and　I　are　sent　out　to　play　golf　together　or　go　on　the　river。　　And　when；　to　our　unutterable　relief；　that　is　over；　we　hurry　back　to　the　house；　and　I　escape　to　my　piano；　and　she　goes　and　flirts　with　you；　if　you　are　there。　　Don't　deny　it。　And　then　another　one　comes；　and　she　is　drearier　than　the　lastat　least；　I　am。〃

Francis　lay　back　and　laughed　at　this　dismal　picture　of　the　rejection　of　the　fittest。

〃But　you're　so　confoundedly　hard　to　please；　Mike；〃　he　said。　　〃There　was　an　awfully　nice　girl　down　at　Ashbridge　at　Easter　when　I　was　there；　who　was　simply　pining　to　take　you。　　I've　forgotten　her　name。〃

Michael　clicked　his　fingers　in　a　summary　manner。

〃There　you　are！〃　he　said。　　〃You　and　she　flirted　all　the　time；　and　three　months　afterwards　you　don't　even　remember　her　name。　　If　you　had　only　been　me；　you　would　have　married　her。　　As　it　was；　she　and　I　bored　each　other　stiff。　　There's　an　irony　for　you！　　But　as　for　pining；　I　ask　you　whether　any　girl　in　her　senses　could　pine　for　me。　Look　at　me；　and　tell　me！　　Or　rather；　don't　look　at　me；　I　can't　bear　to　be　looked　at。〃

Here　was　one　of　Michael's　morbid　sensitivenesses。　　He　seldom　forgot　his　own　physical　appearance；　the　fact　of　which　was　to　him　appalling。　　His　stumpy　figure　with　its　big　body；　his　broad；　blunt…　featured　face；　his　long　arms；　his　large　hands　and　feet；　his　clumsiness　in　movement　were　to　him　of　the　nature　of　a　constant　nightmare；　and　it　was　only　with　Francis　and　the　ease　that　his　solitary　presence　gave；　or　when　he　was　occupied　with　music　that　he　wholly　lost　his　self…consciousness　in　this　respect。　　It　seemed　to　him　that　he　must　be　as　repulsive　to　others　as　he　was　to　himself；　which　was　a　distorted　view　of　the　case。　　Plain　without　doubt　he　was；　and　of　heavy　and　ungainly　build；　but　his　belief　in　the　finality　of　his　uncouthness　was　morbid　and　imaginary；　and　half　his　inability　to　get　on　with　his　fellows；　no　less　than　with　the　maidens　who　were　brought　down　in　single　file　to　Ashbridge；　was　due　to　this。　He　knew　very　well　how　light…heartedly　they　escaped　to　the　geniality　and　attractiveness　of　Francis；　and　in　the　clutch　of　his　own　introspective　temperament　he　could　not　free　himself　from　the　handicap　of　his　own　sensitiveness；　and；　like　others；　take　himself　for　granted。　　He　crushed　his　own　power　to　please　by　the　weight　of　his　judgments　on　himself。

〃So　there's　another　reason　to　complain　of　the　irony　of　fate；〃　he　said。　　〃I　don't　want　to　marry　anybody；　and　God　knows　nobody　wants　to　marry　me。　　But；　then；　it's　my　duty　to　become　the　father　of　another　Lord　Ashbridge；　as　if　there　had　not　been　enough　of　them　already；　and　his　mother　must　be　a　certain　kind　of　girl；　with　whom　I　have　nothing　in　common。　　So　I　say　that　if　only　we　could　have　changed　places；　you　would　have　filled　my　niche　so　perfectly；　and　I　should　have　been　free　to　bury　myself　in　Leipzig　or　Munich；　and　lived　like　the　grub　I　certainly　am；　and　have　drowned　myself　in　a　sea　of　music。　　As　it　is；　goodness　knows　what　my　father　will　say　to　the　letter　I　wrote　him　yesterday；　which　he　will　have　received　this　morning。　　However；　that　will　soon　be　patent；　for　I　go　down　there　to…morrow。　　I　wish　you　were　coming　with　me。　　Can't　you　manage　to　for　a　day　or　two；　and　help　things　along？　　Aunt　Barbara　will　be　there。〃

Francis　consulted　a　small；　green　morocco　pocket…book。

〃Can't　to…morrow；〃　he　said；　〃nor　yet　the　day　after。　　But　perhaps　I　could　get　a　few　days'　leave　next　week。〃

〃Next　week's　no　use。　　I　go　to　Baireuth　next　week。〃

〃Baireuth？　　Who's　Baireuth？〃　asked　Francis。

〃Oh；　a　man　I　know。　　His　other　name　was　Wagner；　and　he　wrote　some　tunes。〃

Francis　nodded。

〃Oh；　but　I've　heard　of　him；〃　he　said。　　〃They're　rather　long　tunes；　aren't　they？　　At　least　I　found　them　so　when　I　went　to　the　opera　the　other　night。　　Go　on　with　your　plans；　Mike。　　What　do　you　mean　to　do　after　that？〃

〃Go　on　to　Munich　and　hear　the　same　tunes　over；　again。　　After　that　I　shall　come　back　and　settle　down　in　town　and　study。〃

〃Play　the　piano？〃　asked　Francis；　amiably　trying　to　enter　into　his　cousin's　schemes。

Michael　laughed。

〃No　doubt　that　will　come　into　it；〃　he　said。　　〃But　it's　rather　as　if　you　told　somebody　you　were　a　soldier；　and　he　said：　'Oh；　is　that　quick　march？'〃

〃So　it　is。　　Soldiering　largely　consists　of　quick　march；　especially　when　it's　more　than　usually　hot。〃

〃Well；　I　shall　learn　to　play　the　piano；〃　said　Michael。

〃But　you　play　so　rippingly　already；〃　said　Francis　cordially。　　〃You　played　all　those　songs　the　other　night　which　you　had　never　seen　before。　　If　you　can　do　that；　there　is　nothing　more　you　want　to　learn　with　the　piano；　is　there？〃

〃You　are　talking　rather　as　father　will　talk；〃　observed　Michael。

〃Am　I？　　Well；　I　seem　to　be　talking　sense。〃

〃You　weren't　doing　what　you　seemed；　then。　　I've　got　absolutely　everything　to　learn　about　the　piano。〃

Francis　rose。

〃Then　it　is　clear　I　don't　understand　anything　about　it；〃　he　said。　〃Nor；　I　suppose；　does　Uncle　Robert。　　But；　really；　I　rather　envy　you；　Mike。　　Anyhow；　you　want　to　do　and　be　something　so　much　that　you　are　gaily　going　to　face　unpleasantnesses　with　Uncle　Robert　about　it。　　Now；　I　wouldn't　face　unpleasantnesses　with　anybody　about　anything　I　wanted　to　do；　and　I　suppose　the　reason　must　be　that　I　don't　want　to　do　anything　enough。〃

〃The　malady　of　not　wanting；〃　quoted　Michael。

〃Yes；　I've　got　that　malady。　　The　ordinary　things　that　one　naturally　does　are　all　so　pleasant；　and　take　all　the　time　there　is；　that　I　don't　want　anything　particular；　especially　now　that　you've　been　such　a　brick〃

〃Stop　it；〃　said　Michael。

〃Right；　I　got　it　in　rather　cleverly。　　I　was　saying　that　it　must　be　rather　nice　to　want　a　thing　so　much　that　you'll　go　through　a　lot　to　get　it。　　Most　fellows　aren't　like　that。〃

〃A　good　many　fellows　are　jelly…fish；〃　observed　Michael。

〃I　suppose　so。　　I'm　one；　you　know。　　I　drift　and　float。　　But　I　don't　think　I　sting。　　What　are　you　doing　to…night；　by　the　way？〃

〃Pl