michael-第37部分

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dow；　crocuses　had　budded；　and　in　the　garden　beds　had　shot　up　the　pushing　spikes　of　bulbs；　while　in　the　sooty　grass　he　could　see　specks　and　patches　of　vivid　green；　the　first　growth　of　the　year。

He　opened　the　window　and　strolled　out。　　The　whole　taste　and　savour　of　the　air　was　changed；　and　borne　on　the　primrose…coloured　sunshine　came　the　smell　of　damp　earth；　no　longer　dead　and　reeking　of　the　decay　of　autumn；　but　redolent　with　some　new　element；　something　fertile　and　fecund；　something　daintily；　indefinably　laden　with　the　secret　of　life　and　restoration。　　The　grey；　lumpy　clouds　were　gone；　and　instead　chariots　of　dazzling　white　bowled　along　the　infinite　blue　expanse；　harnessed　to　the　southwest　wind。　　But；　above　all；　the　sparrows　dragged　straws　to　and　fro；　loudly　chirruping。　　All　spring　was　indexed　there。

For　a　moment　Michael　was　entranced　with　the　exquisite　moment；　and　stood　sunning　his　soul　in　spring。　　But　then　he　felt　the　fetters　of　his　own　individual　winter　heavy　on　him　again；　and　he　could　only　see　what　was　happening　without　feeling　it。　　For　that　moment　he　had　felt　the　leap　in　his　blood；　but　the　next　he　was　conscious　again　of　the　immense　fatigue　that　for　weeks　had　been　growing　on　him。　　The　task　which　he　had　voluntarily　taken　on　himself　had　become　no　lighter　with　habit；　the　incessant　attendance　on　his　mother　and　the　strain　of　it　got　heavier　day　by　day。　　For　some　time　now　her　childlike　content　in　his　presence　had　been　clouded　and；　instead；　she　was　constantly　depressed　and　constantly　querulous　with　him；　finding　fault　with　his　words　and　his　silences；　and　in　her　confused　and　muffled　manner　blaming　him　and　affixing　sinister　motives　to　his　most　innocent　actions。　　But　she　was　still　entirely　dependent　on　him；　and　if　he　left　her　for　an　hour　or　two；　she　would　wait　in　an　agony　of　anxiety　for　his　return；　and　when　he　came　back　overwhelmed　him　with　tearful　caresses　and　the　exaction　of　promises　not　to　go　away　again。　　Then；　feeling　certain　of　him　once　more；　she　would　start　again　on　complaints　and　reproaches。　　Her　doctor　had　warned　him　that　it　looked　as　if　some　new　phase　of　her　illness　was　approaching；　which　might　necessitate　the　complete　curtailment　of　her　liberty；　but　day　had　succeeded　to　day　and　she　still　remained　in　the　same　condition；　neither　better　nor　worse；　but　making　every　moment　a　burden　to　Michael。

It　had　been　necessary　that　Sylvia　should　discontinue　her　visits；　for　some　weeks　ago　Lady　Ashbridge　had　suddenly　taken　a　dislike　to　her；　and；　when　she　came；　would　sit　in　silent　and　lofty　displeasure；　speaking　to　her　as　little　as　possible；　and　treating　her　with　a　chilling　and　awful　politeness。　　Michael　had　enough　influence　with　his　mother　to　prevent　her　telling　the　girl　what　her　crime　had　been；　which　was　her　refusal　to　marry　him；　but；　when　he　was　alone　with　his　mother；　he　had　to　listen　to　torrents　of　these　complaints。　　Lady　Ashbridge；　with　a　wealth　of　language　that　had　lain　dormant　in　her　all　her　life；　sarcastically　supposed　that　Miss　Falbe　was　a　princess　in　disguise　（〃very　impenetrable　disguise；　for　I'm　sure　she　reminds　me　of　a　barmaid　more　than　a　princess〃）；　and　thought　that　such　a　marriage　would　be　beneath　her。　　Or；　another　time；　she　hinted　that　Miss　Falbe　might　be　already　married；　indeed；　this　seemed　a　very　plausible　explanation　of　her　attitude。　　She　desired；　in　fact；　that　Sylvia　should　not　come　to　see　her　any　more；　and　now；　when　she　did　not；　there　was　scarcely　a　day　in　which　Lady　Ashbridge　would　not　talk　in　a　pointed　manner　about　pretended　friends　who　leave　you　alone；　and　won't　even　take　the　trouble　to　take　a　two…penny　'bus　（if　they　are　so　poor　as　all　that）　to　come　from　Chelsea　to　Curzon　Street。

Michael　knew　that　his　mother's　steps　were　getting　nearer　and　nearer　to　that　border　line　which　separates　the　sane　from　the　insane；　and　with　all　the　wearing　strain　of　the　days　as　they　passed；　had　but　the　one　desire　in　his　heart；　namely；　to　keep　her　on　the　right　side　for　as　long　as　was　humanly　possible。　　But　something　might　happen；　some　new　symptom　develop　which　would　make　it　impossible　for　her　to　go　on　living　with　him　as　she　did　now；　and　the　dread　of　that　moment　haunted　his　waking　hours　and　his　dreams。　　Two　months　ago　her　doctor　had　told　him　that；　for　the　sake　of　everyone　concerned；　it　was　to　be　hoped　that　the　progress　of　her　disease　would　be　swift；　but；　for　his　part；　Michael　passionately　disclaimed　such　a　wish。　　In　spite　of　her　constant　complaints　and　strictures；　she　was　still　possessed　of　her　love　for　him；　and；　wearing　though　every　day　was；　he　grudged　the　passing　of　the　hours　that　brought　her　nearer　to　the　awful　boundary　line。　　Had　a　deed　been　presented　to　him　for　his　signature；　which　bound　him　indefinitely　to　his　mother's　service；　on　the　condition　that　she　got　no　worse；　his　pen　would　have　spluttered　with　his　eagerness　to　sign。

In　consequence　of　his　mother's　dislike　to　Sylvia；　Michael　had　hardly　seen　her　during　this　last　month。　　Once；　when　owing　to　some　small　physical　disturbance；　Lady　Ashbridge　had　gone　to　bed　early　on　a　Sunday　evening；　he　had　gone　to　one　of　the　Falbes'　weekly　parties；　and　had　tried　to　fling　himself　with　enjoyment　into　the　friendly　welcoming　atmosphere。　　But　for　the　present；　he　felt　himself　detached　from　it　all；　for　this　life　with　his　mother　was　close　round　him　with　a　sort　of　nightmare　obsession；　through　which　outside　influence　and　desire　could　only　faintly　trickle。　　He　knew　that　the　other　life　was　there；　he　knew　that　in　his　heart　he　longed　for　Sylvia　as　much　as　ever；　but；　in　his　present　detachment；　his　desire　for　her　was　a　drowsy　ache；　a　remote　emptiness；　and　the　veil　that　lay　over　his　mother　seemed　to　lie　over　him　also。　　Once；　indeed；　during　the　evening；　when　he　had　played　for　her；　the　veil　had　lifted　and　for　the　drowsy　ache　he　had　the　sunlit；　stabbing　pang；　but；　as　he　left；　the　veil　dropped　again；　and　he　let　himself　into　the　big；　mute　house；　sorry　that　he　had　left　it。　　In　the　same　way；　too；　his　music　was　in　abeyance：　he　could　not　concentrate　himself　or　find　it　worth　while　to　make　the　effort　to　absorb　himself　in　it；　and　he　knew　that　short　of　that；　there　was　neither　profit　nor　pleasure　for　him　in　his　piano。　　Everything　seemed　remote　compared　with　the　immediate　foreground：　there　was　a　gap；　a　gulf　between　it　and　all　the　rest　of　the　world。

His　father　wrote　to　him　from　time　to　time；　laying　stress　on　the　extreme　importance　of　all　he　was　doing　in　the　country；　and　giving　no　hint　of　his　coming　up　to　town　at　present。　　But　he　faintly　adumbrated　the　time　when　in　the　natural　course　of　events　he　would　have　to　attend　to　his　national　duties　in　the　House　of　Lords；　and　wondered　whether　it　would　not　（about　then）　be　good　for　his　wife　to　have　a　change；　and　enjoy　the　country　when　the　weather　became　more　propitious。　　Michael；　with　an　excusable　unfilialness；　did　not　answer　these　amazing　epistles；　but；　having　basked　in　their　unconscious　humour；　sent　them　on　to　Aunt　Barbara。　　Weekly　reports　were　sent　by　Lady　Ashbridge's　nurse　to　his　father；　and　Michael　had　nothing　whatever　to　add　to　these。　　His　fear　of　him　had　given　place　to　a　quiet　contempt；　which　he　did　not　care　to　think　about；　and　certainly　did　not　care　to　express。

Every　now　and　then　Lady　Ashbridge　had　what　Michael　thought　of　as　a　good　hour　or　two；　when　she　went　back　to　her　content　and　childlike　joy　in　his　presence；　and　it　was　clear；　when　presently　she　came　downstairs　as　he　still　lingered　in　the　garden；　reading　the　daily　paper　in　the　sun；　that　one　of　these　better　intervals　had　visited　her。　　She；　too；　it　appeared；　felt　the　waving　of　the　magic　wand　of　spring；　and　she　noted　the　signs　of　it　with　a　joy　that　was　infinitely　pathetic。

〃My　dear；〃　she　said；　〃what　a　beautiful　morning！　　Is　it　wise　to　sit　out　of　doors　without　your　hat；　Michael？　　Shall　not　I　go　and　fetch　it　for　you？　　No？　　Then　let　us　sit　here　and　talk。　　It　is　spring；　is　it　not？　　Look　how　the　birds　are　collecting　twigs　for　their　nests！　I　wonder　how　they　know　that　the　time　has　come　round　again。　　Sweet　little　birds！　　How　bold　and　merry　they　are。〃

She　edged　her　way　a　little　nearer　him；　so　that　her　shoulder　leaned　on　his　arm。

〃My　dear；　I　wish　you　were　going　to　nest；　too；〃　she　said。　　〃I　wonderdo　you　think　I　have　been　ill…natured　and　unkind　to　your　Sylvia；　and　that　makes　her　not　come　to　see　me　now？　　I　do　remember　being　vexed　at　her　for　not　wanting　to　marry　you；　and　perhaps　I　talked　unkindly　about　her。　　I　am　sorry；　for　my　being　cross　to　her　will　do　no　good；　it　will　only　make　her　more　unwilling　than　ever　to　marry　a　man　who　has　such　an　unpleasant　mamma。　　Will　she　come　to　see　me　again；　do　you　think；　if　I　ask　her？〃

These　good　hours　were　too　rare　in　their　appearances　and　swift　in　their　vanishings　to　warrant　the　certainty　that　she　would　feel　the　same　this　afternoon；　and　Michael　tried　to　turn　the　subject。

〃Ah；　we　shall　have　to　think　about　that；　mother；〃　he　said。　　〃Look；　there　is　a　quarrel　going　on　between　those　two　sparrows。　　They　both　want　the　same　straw。〃

She　followed　his　pointing　finger；　easily　diverted。

〃Oh；　I　wish　they　would　not　quarrel；〃　she　said。　　〃It　is　so　sad　and　stupid　to　quarrel；　instead　of　being　agreeable　and　pleasant。　　I　do　not　like　them　to　do　that。　　There；　one　has　flown　away！　　And　see；　the　crocuses　are　coming　up。　　Indeed　it　is　spring。　　I　should　like　to　see　the　country　to…day。　　If　you　are　not　busy；　Michael；　would　you　take　me　out　into　the　country？　　We　might　go　to　Richmond　Park　perhaps；　for　that　is　in　the　opposite　direction　from　Ashbridge；　and　look　at　the　deer　and　the　budding　trees。　　Oh；　Michael；　might　we　take　lunch　with　us；　and　eat　it　out　of　doors？　　I　want　to　enjoy　as　much　as　I　can　of　this　spring　day。〃

She　clung　closer　to　Michael。

〃Everything　seems　so　fragile；　dear；〃　she　whispered。　　〃Everything　may　break。　。　。　。　　Sometimes　I　am　frightened。〃

The　little　expedition　was　soon　moving；　after　a　slight　altercation　between　Lady　Ashbridge　and　her　nurse；　whom　she　wished　to　leave　behind　in　order　to　enjoy　Michael's　undiluted　society。　　But　Miss　Baker；　who　had　already　spoken　to　Michael；　telling　him　she　was　not　quite　happy　in　her　mind　about　her　patient；　was　firm　about　accompanying　them；　though　she　obligingly　effaced　herself　as　far　as　possible　by　taking　the　box…seat　by　the　chauffeur　as　they　drove　down；　and　when　they　arrived；　and　Michael　and　his　mother　strolled　about　in　the　warm　sunshine　before　lunch；　keeping　carefully　in　the　background；