a new england girlhood-第7部分

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


I　was　not　tall　enough　to　see　very　far　over　the　top　of　the　pew。　I　think　there　were　only　three　persons　that　came　within　range　of　my　eyes。　One　was　a　dark　man　with　black　curly　hair　brushed　down　in　〃bangs〃　over　his　eyebrows；　who　sat　behind　a　green　baize　curtain　near　the　outside　door；　peeping　out　at　me；　as　I　thought。　I　had　an　impression　that　he　was　the　〃tidy…man；〃　though　that　personage　had　become　mythical　long　before　my　day。　He　had　a　dragonish　look；　to　me；　and　I　tried　never　to　meet　his　glance。

But　I　did　sometimes　gaze　more　earnestly　than　was　polite　at　a　dear；　demure　little　lady　who　sat　in　the　corner　of　the　pew　next　ours；　her　downcast　eyes　shaded　by　a　green　calash；　and　her　hidden　right　hand　gently　swaying　a　long…handled　Chinese　fan。　She　was　the　deacon's　wife；　and　I　felt　greatly　interested　in　her　movements　and　in　the　expression　of　her　face；　because　I　thought　she　represented　the　people　they　called　〃saints；〃　who　were；　as　I　supposed；　about　the　same　as　first　cousins　to　the　angels。

The　third　figure　in　sight　was　the　minister。　　I　did　not　think　he　ever　saw　me；　he　was　talking　to　the　older　people；usually　telling　them　how　wicked　they　were。　He　often　said　to　them　that　there　was　not　one　good　person　among　them；　but　I　supposed　he　excepted　himself。　He　seemed　to　me　so　very　good　that　I　was　very　much　afraid　of　him。　I　was　a　little　afraid　of　my　father；　but　then　he　sometimes　played　with　us　children：　and　besides；　my　father　was　only　a　man。　I　thought　the　minister　belonged　to　some　different　order　of　beings。　Up　there　in　the　pulpit　he　seemed　to　me　so　far　offoh！　a　great　deal　farther　off　than　God　did。　His　distance　made　my　reverence　for　him　take　the　form　of　idolatry。　The　pulpit　was　his　pedestal。　If　any　one　had　told　me　that　the　minister　ever　did　or　thought　anything　that　was　wrong；　I　should　have　felt　as　if　the　foundations　of　the　earth　under　me　were　shaken。　I　wondered　if　he　ever　did　laugh。　Perhaps　it　was　wicked　for　a　minister　even　to　smile。

One　day；　when　I　was　very　little；　I　met　the　minister　in　the　street；　and　he；　probably　recognizing　me　as　the　child　of　one　of　his　parishioners；　actually　bowed　to　me！　His　bows　were　always　ministerially　profound；　and　I　was　so　overwhelmed　with　surprise　and　awe　that　I　forgot　to　make　the　proper　response　of　a　〃curtsey；〃　but　ran　home　as　fast　as　I　could　go　to　proclaim　the　wonder。　It　would　not　have　astonished　me　any　more；　if　one　of　the　tall　Lombardy　poplars　that　stood　along　the　sidewalk　had　laid　itself　down　at　my　feet。

I　do　not　remember　anything　that　the　preacher　ever　said；　except　some　words　which　I　thought　sounded　well；such　as　〃dispensations；〃　〃decrees；〃　〃ordinances；〃　〃covenants；〃　although　I　attached　no　meaning　to　them。　He　seemed　to　be　trying　to　explain　the　Bible　by　putting　it　into　long　words。　I　did　not　understand　them　at　all。　It　was　from　Aunt　Hannah　that　I　received　my　first　real　glimpses　of　the　beautiful　New　Testament　revelation。　In　her　unconscious　wisdom　she　chose　for　me　passages　and　chapters　that　were　like　openings　into　heaven。　They　contained　the　great；　deep　truths　which　are　simple　because　they　are　great。　It　was　not　explanations　of　those　grand　words　that　I　required；　or　that　anybody　requires。　In　reading　them　we　are　all　children　together；　and　need　only　to　be　led　to　the　banks　of　the　river　of　God；　which　is　full　of　water；　that　we　may　look　down　into　its　pellucid　depths　for　ourselves。

Our　minister　was　not　unlike　other　ministers　of　the　time；　and　his　seeming　distance　from　his　congregation　was　doubtless　owing　to　the　deep　reverence　in　which　the　ministerial　office　was　universally　held　among　our　predecessors。　My　own　graven…image　worship　of　him　was　only　a　childish　exageration　of　the　general　feeling　of　grown　people　around　me。　He　seemed　to　us　an　inhabitant　of　a　Sabbath…day　sphere；　while　we　belonged　to　the　every…day　world。　I　distinctly　remember　the　day　of　my　christening；　when　I　was　between　three　and　four　years　old。　My　parents　did　not　make　a　public　profession　of　their　faith　until　after　the　birth　of　all　their　children；　eight　of　whomI　being　my　father's　ninth　child　and　seventh　daughterwere　baptized　at　one　time。　My　two　half…sisters　were　then　grown…up　young　women。　My　mother　had　told　us　that　the　minister　would　be　speaking　directly　to　us；　and　that　we　must　pay　close　attention　to　what　he　said。　I　felt　that　it　was　an　important　event；　and　I　wished　to　do　exactly　what　the　minister　desired　of　me。　I　listened　eagerly　while　he　read　the　chapter　and　the　hymn。　The　latter　was　one　of　my　favorites：

〃See　Israel's　gentle　Shepherd　stands；〃

and　the　chapter　was　the　third　of　St。　Matthew；　containing　the　story　of　our　Lord's　baptism。　I　could　not　make　out　any　special　message　for　us；　until　be　came　to　the　words；　〃Whose　fan　is　in　his　hand。〃

That　must　be　it！　I　looked　anxiously　at　my　sisters；　to　see　if　they　had　brought　their　fans。　It　was　warm　weather；　and　I　had　taken　a　little　one　of　my　own　to　meeting。　Believing　that　I　was　following　a　direct　instruction；　I　clasped　my　fan　to　my　bosom　and　held　it　there　as　we　walked　up　the　aisle；　and　during　the　ceremony；　wondering　why　the　others　did　not　do　so；　too。　The　baby　in　my　mother's　armsOctavia；　the　eighth　daughtershocked　me　by　crying　a　little；　but　I　tried　to　behave　the　better　on　that　account。

It　all　seemed　very　solemn　and　mysterious　to　me。　I　knew　from　my　father's　and　mother's　absorbed　manner　then；　and　when　we　returned　from　church；　that　it　was　something　exceedingly　important　to　Themsomething　that　they　wished　us　neither　to　talk　about　nor　to　forget。

I　never　did　forget　it。　There　remained　within　me　a　sweet；　haunting　feeling　of　having　come　near　the　〃gentle　Shepherd〃　of　the　hymn；　who　was　calling　the　lambs　to　his　side。　　The　chapter　had　ended　with　the　echo　of　a　voice　from　heaven；　and　with　the　glimpse　of　a　descending　Dove。　And　the　water…drops　on　my　forehead；　were　they　not　from　that　〃pure　river　of　water　of　life；　clear　as　crystal；〃　that　made　music　through　those　lovely　verses　in　the　last　chapter　of　the　good　Book？

I　am　glad　that　I　have　always　remembered　that　day　of　family　consecration。　As　I　look　back；　it　seems　as　if　the　horizons　of　heaven　and　earth　met　and　were　blended　then。　And　who　can　tell　whether　the　fragrance　of　that　day's　atmosphere　may　not　enter　into　the　freshness　of　some　new　childhood　in　the　life　which　is　to　come？

III。

THE　HYMN…BOOK。

ALMOST　the　first　decided　taste　in　my　life　was　the　love　of　hymns。　Committing　them　to　memory　was　as　natural　to　me　as　breathing。　I　followed　my　mother　about　with　the　hymn…book　（〃Watts'　and　Select〃）；　reading　or　repeating　them　to　her；　while　she　was　busy　with　her　baking　or　ironing；　and　she　was　always　a　willing　listener。　She　was　fond　of　devotional　reading；　but　had　little　time　for　it；　and　it　pleased　her　to　know　that　so　small　a　child　as　I　really　cared　for　the　hymns　she　loved。

I　learned　most　of　them　at　meeting。　I　was　told　to　listen　to　the　minister；　but　as　I　did　not　understand　a　word　he　was　saying；　I　gave　it　up；　and　took　refuge　in　the　hymn…book；　with　the　conscientious　purpose　of　trying　to　sit　still。　I　turned　the　leaves　over　as　noiselessly　as　possible；　to　avoid　the　dreaded　reproof　of　my　mother's　keen　blue　eyes；　and　sometimes　I　learned　two　or　three　hymns　in　a　forenoon　or　an　afternoon。　Finding　it　so　easy；　I　thought　I　would　begin　at　the　beginning；　and　learn　the　whole。　There　were　about　a　thousand　of　them　included　in　the　Psalms；　the　First；　Second；　and　Third　Books；　and　the　Select　Hymns。　But　I　had　learned　to　read　before　I　had　any　knowledge　of　counting　up　numbers；　and　so　was　blissfully　ignorant　of　the　magnitude　of　my　undertaking。　I　did　not；　I　think；　change　my　resolution　because　there　were　so　many；　but　because；　little　as　I　was；　I　discovered　that　there　were　hymns　and　hymns。　Some　of　them　were　so　prosy　that　the　words　would　not　stay　in　my　memory　at　all；　so　I　concluded　that　I　would　learn　only　those　I　liked。

I　had　various　reasons　for　my　preferences。　With　some；　I　was　caught　by　a　melodious　echo；　or　a　sonorous　ring；　with　others　by　the　hint　of　a　picture；　or　a　story；　or　by　some　sacred　suggestion　that　attracted　me；　I　knew　not　why。　Of　some　I　was　fond　just　because　I　misunderstood　them；　and　of　these　I　made　a　free　version　in　my　mind；　as　I　murmured　them　over。　One　of　my　first　favorites　was　certainly　rather　a　singular　choice　for　a　child　of　three　or　four　years。　I　had　no　idea　of　its　meaning；　but　made　up　a　little　story　out　of　it；　with　myself　as　the　heroine。　It　began　with　the　words

〃Come；　humble　sinner；　in　whose　breast　A　thousand　thoughts　revolve。〃

The　second　stanza　read　thus：

〃I'll　go　to　Jesus；　though　my　sin　Hath　like　a　mountain　rose。〃

I　did　not　know　that　this　last　line　was　bad　grammar；　but　thought　that　the　sin　in　question　was　something　pretty；　that　looked　〃like　a　mountain　rose。〃　Mountains　I　had　never　seen；　they　were　a　glorious　dream　to　me。　And　a　rose　that　grew　on　a　mountain　must　surely　be　prettier　than　any　of　our　red　wild　roses　on　the　hill；　sweet　as　they　were。　I　would　pluck　that　rose；　and　carry　it　up　the　mountain…side　into　the　temple　where　the　King　sat；　and　would　give　it　to　Him；　and　then　He　would　touch　me　with　his　sceptre；　and　let　me　through　into　a　garden　full　of　flowers。　There　was　no　garden　in　the　hymn；　I　suppose　the　〃rose〃　made　me　invent　one。　But　it　did　read

〃I　know　his　courts；　I'll　enter　in；　Whatever　may　oppose；〃

and　so　I　fancied　there　would　be　lions　in　the　way；　as　there　were　in　the　Pilgrim's；　at　the　〃House　Beautiful〃；　but　I　should　not　be　afraid　of　them；　they　would　no　doubt　be　chained。　The　last　verse　began　with　the　lines；

〃I　can　but　perish　if　I　go：　I　am　resolved　to　try：〃

and　my　heart　beat　a　brave　echo　to　the　words；　as　I　started　off　in　fancy　on　a　〃Pilgrim's　Progress〃　of　my　own；　a　happy　little　dreamer；　telling　nobody　the　secret　of　my　imaginary　journey；　taken　in　sermon…time。

Usually；　the　hymns　for　which　I　cared　most　suggested　Nature　in　some　way；flowers；　trees；　skies；　and　stars。　When　I　repeated；

〃There　everlasting　spring　abides；　And　never…withering　flowers；〃　…

I　thought　of　the　faintly　flushed　anemones　and　white　and　blue　violets；　the　dear　little　short…lived　children　of　our　shivering　spring。　They　also　would　surely　be　found　in　that　heavenly　land；　blooming　on　through　the　cloudless；　endless　year。　And　I　seemed　to　smell　the　spiciness　of　bay　berry　and　sweet…fern　and　wild　roses　and　meadow…sweet　that　grew　in　fragrant　jungles　up　and　down　the　hillside　back　of　the　meeting…house；　in　another　verse　which　I　dearly　loved：

〃The　hill