the research magnificent-第15部分

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ide　goes；　I　come　over　to　the　theory　of　aristocracy。〃　Benham　said　nothing；　but　he　put　down　Sidney　and　Beatrice　Webb；　and　reached　out　for　and　got　and　lit　a　cigarette。　〃I　give　up　‘Go　as　you　please。'　　I　give　up　the　natural　man。　　I　admit　training。　　I　perceive　I　am　lax　and　flabby；　unguarded；　I　funk　too　much；　I　eat　too　much；　and　I　drink　too　much。　　And；　yet；　what　I　have　always　liked　in　you；　Benham；　is　just　thisthat　you　don't。〃　〃I　do；〃　said　Benham。　〃Do　what？〃　〃Funk。〃　〃Benham；　I　believe　that　naturally　you　funk　as　much　as　I　do。　　You're　more　a　thing　of　nerves　than　I　am；　far　more。　　But　you　keep　yourself　up　to　the　mark；　and　I　have　let　myself　get　flabby。　　You're　so　right。　You're　so　utterly　right。　　These　last　nights　I've　confessed　it　aloud。　　I　had　an　inkling　of　itafter　that　rag。　　But　now　it's　as　clear　as　daylight。　　I　don't　know　if　you　mean　to　go　on　with　me；　after　what's　happened；　but　anyhow　I　want　you　to　know；　whether　you　end　our　friendship　or　not　〃　〃Billy；　don't　be　an　old　ass；〃　said　Benham。　Both　young　men　paused　for　a　moment。　　They　made　no　demonstrations。　But　the　strain　was　at　an　end　between　them。　〃I've　thought　it　all　out；〃　Billy　went　on　with　a　sudden　buoyancy。　〃We　two　are　both　of　the　same　kind　of　men。　　Only　you　see；　Benham；　you　have　a　natural　pride　and　I　haven't。　　You　have　pride。　　But　we　are　both　intellectuals。　　We　both　belong　to　what　the　Russians　call　the　Intelligentsia。　　We　have　ideas；　we　have　imagination；　that　is　our　strength。　　And　that　is　our　weakness。　　That　makes　us　moral　light…　weights。　　We　are　flimsy　and　uncertain　people。　　All　intellectuals　are　flimsy　and　uncertain　people。　　It's　not　only　that　they　are　critical　and　fastidious；　they　are　weak…handed。　　They　look　about　them；　their　attention　wanders。　　Unless　they　have　got　a　habit　of　controlling　themselves　and　forcing　themselves　and　holding　themselves　together。〃　〃The　habit　of　pride。〃　〃Yes。　　And　thenthen　we　are　lords　of　the　world。〃　〃All　this；　Billy；〃　said　Benham；　〃I　steadfastly　believe。〃　〃I've　seen　it　all　now；〃　said　Prothero。　　〃Lord！　how　clearly　I　see　it！　The　intellectual　is　either　a　prince　or　he　is　a　Greek　slave　in　a　Roman　household。　　He's　got　to　hold　his　chin　up　or　else　he　becomes　even　as　these　dons　we　see　about　usa　thing　that　talks　appointments；　a　toady；　a　port…wine　bibber；　a　mass　of　detail；　a　conscious　maker　of　neat　sayings；　a　growing　belly　under　a　dwindling　brain。　　Their　gladness　is　drink　or　gratified　vanity　or　gratified　malice；　their　sorrow　is　indigestion　orold　maid's　melancholy。　　They　are　the　lords　of　the　world　who　will　not　take　the　sceptre。　。　。　。　　And　what　I　want　to　say　to　you；　Benham；　more　than　anything　else　is；　YOU　go　onYOU　make　yourself　equestrian。　　You　drive　your　horse　against　Breeze's；　and　go　through　the　fire　and　swim　in　the　ice…cold　water　and　climb　the　precipice　and　drink　little　and　sleep　hard。　　AndI　wish　I　could　do　so　too。〃　〃But　why　not？〃　〃Because　I　can't。　　Now　I　admit　I've　got　shame　in　my　heart　and　pride　in　my　head；　and　I'm　strung　up。　　I　might　do　somethingthis　afternoon。　　But　it　won't　last。　　YOUyou　have　pride　in　your　bones。　My　pride　will　vanish　at　a　laugh。　　My　honour　will　go　at　a　laugh。　　I'm　just　exalted　by　a　crisis。　　That's　all。　　I'm　an　animal　of　intelligence。　　Soul　and　pride　are　weak　in　me。　　My　mouth　waters；　my　cheek　brightens；　at　the　sight　of　good　things。　　And　I've　got　a　lickerish　tail；　Benham。　　You　don't　know。　　You　don't　begin　to　imagine。　　I'm　secretive。　　But　I　quiver　with　hot　and　stirring　desires。　　And　I'm　indolentdirty　indolent。　　Benham；　there　are　days　when　I　splash　my　bath　about　without　getting　into　it。　　There　are　days　when　I　turn　back　from　a　walk　because　there's　a　cow　in　the　field。　。　。　。　But；　I　spare　you　the　viler　details。　。　。　。　　And　it's　that　makes　me　hate　fine　people　and　try　so　earnestly　to　persuade　myself　that　any　man　is　as　good　as　any　man；　if　not　a　trifle　better。　　Because　I　know　it　isn't　so。　。　。　。〃　〃Billy；〃　said　Benham；　〃you've　the　boldest　mind　that　ever　I　met。〃　Prothero's　face　lit　with　satisfaction。　　Then　his　countenance　fell　again。　　〃I　know　I'm　better　there；〃　he　said；　〃and　yet；　see　how　I　let　in　a　whole　system　of　lies　to　cover　my　secret　humiliations。　　There；　at　least；　I　will　cling　to　pride。　　I　will　at　least　THINK　free　and　clean　and　high。　　But　you　can　climb　higher　than　I　can。　　You've　got　the　grit　to　try　and　LIVE　high。　　There　you　are；　Benham。〃　Benham　stuck　one　leg　over　the　arm　of　his　chair。　　〃Billy；〃　he　said；　〃come　and　beequestrian　and　stop　this　nonsense。〃　〃No。〃　〃Damn　ityou　DIVE！〃　〃You'd　go　in　before　me　if　a　woman　was　drowning。〃　〃Nonsense。　　I'm　going　to　ride。　　Come　and　ride　too。　　You've　a　cleverer　way　with　animals　than　I　have。　　Why！　that　horse　I　was　driving　the　other　day　would　have　gone　better　alone。　　I　didn't　drive　it。　　I　just　fussed　it。　　I　interfered。　　If　I　ride　for　ever；　I　shall　never　have　decent　hands；　I　shall　always　hang　on　my　horse's　mouth　at　a　gallop；　I　shall　never　be　sure　at　a　jump。　　But　at　any　rate　I　shall　get　hard。　　Come　and　get　hard　too。〃　〃You　can；〃　said　Billy；　〃you　can。　　But　not　I！　　Heavens；　the　TROUBLE　of　it！　　The　riding…school！　　The　getting　up　early！　　No！for　me　the　Trumpington　Road　on　foot　in　the　afternoon。　　Four　miles　an　hour　and　panting。　　And　my　fellowship　and　the　combination…room　port。　　And；　besides；　Benham；　there's　the　expense。　　I　can't　afford　the　equestrian　order。〃　〃It's　not　so　great。〃　〃Not　so　great！　　I　don't　mean　the　essential　expense。　　Butthe　incidentals。　　I　don't　know　whether　any　one　can　realize　how　a　poor　man　is　hampered　by　the　dread　of　minor　catastrophes。　　It　isn't　so　much　that　he　is　afraid　of　breaking　his　neck；　Benham；　as　that　he　is　afraid　of　breaking　something　he　will　have　to　pay　for。　　For　instance。　Benham！　how　much　did　your　little　expedition　the　other　day？〃　He　stopped　short　and　regarded　his　friend　with　round　eyes　and　raised　eyebrows。　A　reluctant　grin　overspread　Benham's　face。　　He　was　beginning　to　see　the　humour　of　the　affair。　〃The　claim　for　the　motor…bicycle　isn't　sent　in　yet。　　The　repair　of　the　mudguards　of　the　car　is　in　dispute。　　Trinity　Hall's　crockery；　the　plate…glass　window；　the　whip…lash　and　wheel　and　so　forth；　the　hire　of　the　horse　and　trap；　sundry　gratuities。　。　。　。　　I　doubt　if　the　total　will　come　very　much　under　fifty　pounds。　　And　I　seem　to　have　lost　a　hat　somewhere。〃　Billy　regarded　his　toes　and　cleared　his　throat。　〃Depending　as　I　do　on　a　widowed　mother　in　Brixton　for　all　the　expenditure　that　isn't　covered　by　my　pot…hunting〃　〃Of　course；〃　said　Benham；　〃it　wasn't　a　fair　sample　afternoon。〃　〃Still〃　〃There's　footer；〃　said　Benham；　〃we　might　both　play　footer。〃　〃Or　boxing。〃　〃And；　anyhow；　you　must　come　with　me　when　I　drive　again。　　I'm　going　to　start　a　trotter。〃　〃If　I　miss　another　drive　may　I　belost　for　ever；〃　said　Billy；　with　the　utmost　sincerity。　　〃Never　more　will　I　get　down；　Benham；　wherever　you　may　take　me。　　Short　of　muffing　my　fellowship　I'm　with　you　always。　。　。　。　　Will　it　be　an　American　trotter？〃　〃It　will　be　the　rawest；　gauntest；　ungainliest　brute　that　ever　scared　the　motor…bicycles　on　the　Northampton　Road。　　It　will　have　the　legs　and　stride　of　an　ostrich。　　It　will　throw　its　feet　out　like　dealing　cards。　　It　will　lift　its　head　and　look　the　sun　in　the　eye　like　a　vulture。　　It　will　have　teeth　like　the　English　spinster　in　a　French　comic　paper。　。　。　。　　And　we　will　fly。　。　。　。〃　〃I　shall　enjoy　it　very　much；〃　said　Prothero　in　a　small　voice　after　an　interval　for　reflection。　　〃I　wonder　where　we　shall　fly。　　It　will　do　us　both　a　lot　of　good。　　And　I　shall　insure　my　life　for　a　small　amount　in　my　mother's　interest。　。　。　。　　Benham；　I　think　I　will；　after　all；　take　a　whiskey。　。　。　。　　Life　is　short。　。　。　。〃　He　did　so　and　Benham　strolled　to　the　window　and　stood　looking　out　upon　the　great　court。　〃We　might　do　something　this　afternoon；〃　said　Benham。　〃Splendid　idea；〃　reflected　Billy　over　his　whiskey。　　〃Living　hard　and　thinking　hard。　　A　sort　of　Intelligentsia　that　is　BLOODED。　。　。　。　　I　shall；　of　course；　come　as　far　as　I　can　with　you。〃

13

In　one　of　the　bureau　drawers　that　White　in　this　capacity　of　literary　executor　was　examining；　there　were　two　documents　that　carried　back　right　to　these　early　days。　　They　were　both　products　of　this　long　wide　undergraduate　argumentation　that　had　played　so　large　a　part　in　the　making　of　Benham。　　One　recorded　the　phase　of　maximum　opposition；　and　one　was　the　outcome　of　the　concluding　approach　of　the　antagonists。　　They　were　debating　club　essays。　　One　had　been　read　to　a　club　in　Pembroke；　a　club　called　the　ENQUIRERS；　of　which　White　also　had　been　a　member；　and　as　he　turned　it　over　he　found　the　circumstances　of　its　reading　coming　back　to　his　memory。　　He　had　been　present；　and　Carnac's　share　in　the　discussion　with　his　shrill　voice　and　stumpy　gestures　would　alone　have　sufficed　to　have　made　it　a　memorable　occasion。　　The　later　one　had　been　read　to　the　daughter　club　of　the　ENQUIRERS；　the　SOCIAL　ENQUIRERS；　in　the　year　after　White　had　gone　down；　and　it　was　new　to　him。　Both　these　papers　were　folded　flat　and　neatly　docketed；　they　were　rather　yellow　and　a　little　dog…eared；　and　with　the　outer　sheet　pencilled　over　with　puzzling　or　illegible　scribblings；　Benham's　memoranda　for　his　reply。　　White　took　the　earlier　essay　in　his　hand。　At　the　head　of　the　first　page　was　written　in　large　letters；　〃Go　slowly；　speak　to　the　man　at　the　back。〃　　It　brought　up　memories　of　his　own　experiences；　of　rows　of　gaslit　faces；　and　of　a　friendly　helpful　voice　that　said；　〃Speak　up？〃　Of　course　this　was　what　happened　to　every　intelligent　contemporary；　this　encounter　with　ideas；　this　restatement　and　ventilation　of　the　old　truths　and　the　old　heresies。　　Only　in　this　way　does　a　man　make　a　view　his　own；　only　so　does　he　incorporate　it。　　These　are　our　real　turning　points。　　The　significant；　the　essential　moments　in　the　life　of　any　one　worth　consideration　are　surely　these　moments　when　for　the　first　time　he　faces　towards　certain　broad　ideas　and　certain　broad　facts。　　Life　nowadays　consists　of　adventures　among　generalizations。　In　class…rooms　after　the　lecture；　in　studies　in　the　small　hours；　among　books　or　during　solitary　walks；　the　drama　of　the　modern　career　begins。　　Suddenly　a　man　sees　his　line；　his　intention。　　Yet　though　we　are　all　of　us　writing　long　novelsWhite's　world　was　the　literary　world；　and　that　is　how　it　looked　to　himwhich　profess　to　set　out　the　lives　of　men；　this　part　of　the　journey；　this　crucial　passage　among　the　Sphinxes；　is　still　donewhen　it　is　done　at　allslightly；　evasively。　　Why？　White　fell　b