the research magnificent-第50部分

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　her　mind　and　senses。　　He　stared　at　husband　and　wife　aghast　in　this　realization。　　Then　his　resolute　romanticism　came　to　his　help。　　〃I　would　trust　you〃　he　began。　　〃If　you　tell　me　to　go〃　Amanda　seemed　to　measure　her　hold　upon　him。　She　laid　her　hand　upon　his　arm。　　〃Go；　my　dear　Pip；〃　she　said。　　〃Go。〃　He　had　a　moment　of　hesitation；　of　anguish；　and　it　seemed　to　Benham　as　though　he　eked　himself　out　with　unreality；　as　though　somewhen；　somewhere；　he　had　seen　something　of　the　sort　in　a　play　and　filled　in　a　gap　that　otherwise　he　could　not　have　supplied。　Then　the　door　had　closed　upon　him；　and　Amanda；　pale　and　darkly　dishevelled；　faced　her　husband；　silently　and　intensely。　〃WELL？〃　said　Benham。　She　held　out　her　arms　to　him。　〃Why　did　you　leave　me；　Cheetah？　　Why　did　you　leave　me？〃

28

Benham　affected　to　ignore　those　proffered　arms。　　But　they　recalled　in　a　swift　rush　the　animal　anger　that　had　brought　him　back　to　England。　　To　remind　him　of　desire　now　was　to　revive　an　anger　stronger　than　any　desire。　　He　spoke　seeking　to　hurt　her。　〃I　am　wondering　now；〃　he　said；　〃why　the　devil　I　came　back。〃　〃You　had　to　come　back　to　me。〃　〃I　could　have　written　just　as　well　about　these　things。〃　〃CHEETAH；〃　she　said　softly；　and　came　towards　him　slowly；　stooping　forward　and　looking　into　his　eyes；　〃you　had　to　come　back　to　see　your　old　Leopard。　　Your　wretched　Leopard。　　Who　has　rolled　in　the　dirt。　And　is　still　yours。〃　〃Do　you　want　a　divorce？　　How　are　we　to　fix　things；　Amanda？〃　〃Cheetah；　I　will　tell　you　how　we　will　fix　things。〃　She　dropped　upon　the　step　below　him。　　She　laid　her　hands　with　a　deliberate　softness　upon　him；　she　gave　a　toss　so　that　her　disordered　hair　was　a　little　more　disordered；　and　brought　her　soft　chin　down　to　touch　his　knees。　　Her　eyes　implored　him。　〃Cheetah；〃　she　said。　　〃You　are　going　to　forgive。〃　He　sat　rigid；　meeting　her　eyes。　〃Amanda；〃　he　said　at　last；　〃you　would　be　astonished　if　I　kicked　you　away　from　me　and　trampled　over　you　to　the　door。　　That　is　what　I　want　to　do。〃　〃Do　it；〃　she　said；　and　the　grip　of　her　hands　tightened。　　〃Cheetah；　dear！　　I　would　love　you　to　kill　me。〃　〃I　don't　want　to　kill　you。〃　Her　eyes　dilated。　　〃Beat　me。〃　〃And　I　haven't　the　remotest　intention　of　making　love　to　you；〃　he　said；　and　pushed　her　soft　face　and　hands　away　from　him　as　if　he　would　stand　up。　She　caught　hold　of　him　again。　　〃Stay　with　me；〃　she　said。　He　made　no　effort　to　shake　off　her　grip。　　He　looked　at　the　dark　cloud　of　her　hair　that　had　ruled　him　so　magically；　and　the　memory　of　old　delights　made　him　grip　a　great　handful　almost　inadvertently　as　he　spoke。　　〃Dear　Leopard；〃　he　said；　〃we　humans　are　the　most　streaky　of　conceivable　things。　　I　thought　I　hated　you。　　I　do。　　I　hate　you　like　poison。　　And　also　I　do　not　hate　you　at　all。〃　Then　abruptly　he　was　standing　over　her。　She　rose　to　her　knees。　〃Stay　here；　old　Cheetah！〃　she　said。　　〃This　is　your　house。　　I　am　your　wife。〃　He　went　towards　the　unfastened　front　door。　〃Cheetah！〃　she　cried　with　a　note　of　despair。　He　halted　at　the　door。　〃Amanda；　I　will　come　to…morrow。　　I　will　come　in　the　morning；　in　the　sober　London　daylight；　and　then　we　will　settle　things。〃　He　stared　at　her；　and　to　her　amazement　he　smiled。　　He　spoke　as　one　who　remarks　upon　a　quite　unexpected　fact。　。　。　。　〃Never　in　my　life；　Amanda；　have　I　seen　a　human　being　that　I　wanted　so　little　to　kill。〃

29

White　found　a　fragment　that　might　have　been　written　within　a　week　of　those　last　encounters　of　Benham　and　Amanda。　〃The　thing　that　astonished　me　most　in　Amanda　was　the　change　in　her　mental　quality。　〃With　me　in　the　old　days　she　had　always　been　a　sincere　person；　she　had　deceived　me　about　facts；　but　she　had　never　deceived　me　about　herself。　　Her　personal；　stark　frankness　had　been　her　essential　strength。　　And　it　was　gone。　　I　came　back　to　find　Amanda　an　accomplished　actress；　a　thing　of　poses　and　calculated　effects。　　She　was　a　surface；　a　sham；　a　Lorelei。　　Beneath　that　surface　I　could　not　discover　anything　individual　at　all。　　Fear　and　a　grasping　quality；　such　as　God　gave　us　all　when　he　gave　us　hands；　but　the　individual　I　knew；　the　humorous　wilful　Spotless　Leopard　was　gone。　　Whither；　I　cannot　imagine。　　An　amazing　disappearance。　　Clean　out　of　space　and　time　like　a　soul　lost　for　ever。　〃When　I　went　to　see　her　in　the　morning；　she　was　made　up　for　a　scene；　she　acted　an　intricate　part；　never　for　a　moment　was　she　there　in　reality。　。　。　。　〃I　have　got　a　remarkable　persuasion　that　she　lost　herself　in　this　way；　by　cheapening　love；　by　making　base　love　to　a　lover　she　despised。　。　。　。　　There　can　be　no　inequality　in　love。　　Give　and　take　must　balance。　　One　must　be　one's　natural　self　or　the　whole　business　is　an　indecent　trick；　a　vile　use　of　life！　　To　use　inferiors　in　love　one　must　needs　talk　down　to　them；　interpret　oneself　in　their　insufficient　phrases；　pretend；　sentimentalize。　　And　it　is　clear　that　unless　oneself　is　to　be　lost；　one　must　be　content　to　leave　alone　all　those　people　that　one　can　reach　only　by　sentimentalizing。　　But　Amandaand　yet　somehow　I　love　her　for　it　stillcould　not　leave　any　one　alone。　　So　she　was　always　feverishly　weaving　nets　of　false　relationship。　　Until　her　very　self　was　forgotten。　　So　she　will　go　on　until　the　end。　　With　Easton　it　had　been　necessary　for　her　to　key　herself　to　a　simple　exalted　romanticism　that　was　entirely　insincere。　She　had　so　accustomed　herself　to　these　poses　that　her　innate　gestures　were　forgotten。　　She　could　not　recover　them；　she　could　not　even　reinvent　them。　　Between　us　there　were　momentary　gleams　as　though　presently　we　should　be　our　frank　former　selves　again。　　They　were　never　more　than　momentary。　。　。　。〃　And　that　was　all　that　this　astonishing　man　had　seen　fit　to　tell　of　his　last　parting　from　his　wife。　Perhaps　he　did　Amanda　injustice。　　Perhaps　there　was　a　stronger　thread　of　reality　in　her　desire　to　recover　him　than　he　supposed。　Clearly　he　believed　that　under　the　circumstances　Amanda　would　have　tried　to　recover　anybody。　She　had　dressed　for　that　morning's　encounter　in　a　very　becoming　and　intimate　wrap　of　soft　mauve　and　white　silk；　and　she　had　washed　and　dried　her　dark　hair　so　that　it　was　a　vapour　about　her　face。　　She　set　herself　with　a　single　mind　to　persuade　herself　and　Benham　that　they　were　inseparable　lovers；　and　she　would　not　be　deflected　by　his　grim　determination　to　discuss　the　conditions　of　their　separation。　　When　he　asked　her　whether　she　wanted　a　divorce；　she　offered　to　throw　over　Sir　Philip　and　banish　him　for　ever　as　lightly　as　a　great　lady　might　sacrifice　an　objectionable　poodle　to　her　connubial　peace。　Benham　passed　through　perplexing　phases；　so　that　she　herself　began　to　feel　that　her　practice　with　Easton　had　spoilt　her　hands。　　His　initial　grimness　she　could　understand；　and　partially　its　breakdown　into　irritability。　　But　she　was　puzzled　by　his　laughter。　　For　he　laughed　abruptly。　〃You　know；　Amanda；　I　came　home　in　a　mood　of　tremendous　tragedy。　　And　really；you　are　a　Lark。〃　And　then　overriding　her　altogether；　he　told　her　what　he　meant　to　do　about　their　future　and　the　future　of　their　little　son。　〃You　don't　want　a　divorce　and　a　fuss。　　Then　I'll　leave　things。　　I　perceive　I've　no　intention　of　marrying　any　more。　　But　you'd　better　do　the　straight　thing。　　People　forget　and　forgive。　　Especially　when　there　is　no　one　about　making　a　fuss　against　you。　〃Perhaps；　after　all；　there　is　something　to　be　said　for　shirking　it。　We'll　both　be　able　to　get　at　the　boy　then。　　You'll　not　hurt　him；　and　I　shall　want　to　see　him。　　It's　better　for　the　boy　anyhow　not　to　have　a　divorce。　〃I'll　not　stand　in　your　way。　　I'll　get　a　little　flat　and　I　shan't　come　too　much　to　London；　and　when　I　do；　you　can　get　out　of　town。　You　must　be　discreet　about　Easton；　and　if　people　say　anything　about　him；　send　them　to　me。　　After　all；　this　is　our　private　affair。　〃We'll　go　on　about　money　matters　as　we　have　been　going。　　I　trust　to　you　not　to　run　me　into　overwhelming　debts。　　And；　of　course；　if　at　any　time；　you　do　want　to　marryon　account　of　children　or　anything　if　nobody　knows　of　this　conversation　we　can　be　divorced　then。　。　。　。〃　Benham　threw　out　these　decisions　in　little　dry　sentences　while　Amanda　gathered　her　forces　for　her　last　appeal。　It　was　an　unsuccessful　appeal；　and　at　the　end　she　flung　herself　down　before　him　and　clung　to　his　knees。　　He　struggled　ridiculously　to　get　himself　clear；　and　when　at　last　he　succeeded　she　dropped　prostrate　on　the　floor　with　her　dishevelled　hair　about　her。　She　heard　the　door　close　behind　him；　and　still　she　lay　there；　a　dark　Guinevere；　until　with　a　start　she　heard　a　step　upon　the　thick　carpet　without。　　He　had　come　back。　　The　door　reopened。　　There　was　a　slight　pause；　and　then　she　raised　her　face　and　met　the　blank　stare　of　the　second　housemaid。　　There　are　moments；　suspended　fragments　of　time　rather　than　links　in　its　succession；　when　the　human　eye　is　more　intelligible　than　any　words。　The　housemaid　made　a　rapid　apologetic　noise　and　vanished　with　a　click　of　the　door。　〃DAMN！〃　said　Amanda。　Then　slowly　she　rose　to　her　knees。　She　meditated　through　vast　moments。　〃It's　a　cursed　thing　to　be　a　woman；〃　said　Amanda。　　She　stood　up。　She　put　her　hand　on　the　telephone　in　the　corner　and　then　she　forgot　about　it。　　After　another　long　interval　of　thought　she　spoke。　〃Cheetah！〃　she　said；　〃Old　Cheetah！　。　。　。　〃I　didn't　THINK　it　of　you。　。　。　。〃　Then　presently　with　the　even　joyless　movements　of　one　who　does　a　reasonable　business；　with　something　indeed　of　the　manner　of　one　who　packs　a　trunk；　she　rang　up　Sir　Philip　Easton。

30

The　head　chambermaid　on　the　first　floor　of　the　Westwood　Hotel　in　Danebury　Street　had　a　curious　and　perplexing　glimpse　of　Benham's　private　processes　the　morning　after　this　affair。　Benham　had　taken　Room　27　on　the　afternoon　of　his　return　to　London。　She　had　seen　him　twice　or　three　times；　and　he　had　struck　her　as　a　coldly　decorous　person；　tall；　white…faced；　slow　speaking；　the　last　man　to　behave　violently　or　surprise　a　head　chambermaid　in　any　way。　On　the　morning　of　his　departure　she　was　told　by　the　first…floor　waiter　that　the　occupant　of　Room　26　had　complained　of　an　uproar　in　the　night；　and　almost　immediately　she　was　summoned　to　see　Benham。　He　was　standing　facing　the　door　and　in　a　position　which　did　a　little　obscure　the　condition　of　the　room　behind　him。　　He　was　carefully　dressed；　and　his　manner　was　more　cold　and　decorous　than　ever。　　But　one　of　his　hands　was　tied　up　in　a　white　bandage。　〃I　am　going　this　morning；〃　he　said