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The University of Hard Knocks
The University of Hard
Knocks
By Ralph Parlette
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The University of Hard Knocks
Why It Is Printed
MORE than a million people have sat in audiences in all parts of the
United States and have listened to 〃The University of Hard Knocks。〃 It has
been delivered to date more than twenty…five hundred times upon lyceum
courses； at chautauquas； teachers' institutes； club gatherings； conventions
and before various other kinds of audiences。 Ralph Parlette is kept busy
year after year lecturing； because his lectures deal with universal human
experience。
〃Can I get the lecture in book form？〃 That continuous question from
audiences brought out this book in response。 Here is the overflow of many
deliveries。
〃What is written here is not the way I would write it； were I writing a
book；〃 says Ralph Parlette。 〃It is the way I say it。 The lecture took this
unconscious colloquial form before audiences。 An audience makes a
lecture； if the lecture survives。 I wish I could shake the hand of every
person who has sat in my audiences。 And I wish I could tell the lecture
committees of America how I appreciate the vast amount of altruistic work
they have done in bringing the audiences of America together。 For lecture
audiences are not drawn together； they are pushed together。〃
The warm reception given 〃The University of Hard Knocks〃 by the
public； has encouraged the publishers to put more of Mr。 Parlette's lectures
into book form； 〃Big Business〃 and 〃Pockets and Paradises〃 are now in
preparation as this； the third edition of 〃The University of Hard Knocks〃
comes from the press。
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The University of Hard Knocks
Chapter I
The Books Are Bumps
THE greatest school is the University of Hard Knocks。 Its books are
bumps。
Every bump is a lesson。 If we learn the lesson with one bump； we do
not get that bump again。 We do not need it。 We have traveled past it。 They
do not waste the bumps。 We get promoted to the next bump。
But if we are 〃naturally bright；〃 or there is something else the matter
with us； so that we do not learn the lesson of the bump we have just gotten；
then that bump must come back and bump us again。
Some of us learn to go forward with a few bumps； but most of us are
〃naturally bright〃 and have to be pulverized。
The tuition in the University of Hard Knocks is not free。 Experience is
the dearest teacher in the world。 Most of us spend our lives in the A…B…C's
of getting started。
We matriculate in the cradle。
We never graduate。 When we stop learning we are due for another
bump。
There are two kinds of peoplewise people and fools。 The fools are
the people who think they have graduated。
The playground is all of God's universe。
The university colors are black and blue。
The yell is 〃ouch〃 repeated ad lib。
The Need of the Bumps
When I was thirteen I knew a great deal more than I do now。 There
was a sentence in my grammar that disgusted me。 It was by some
foreigner I had never met。 His name was Shakespeare。 It was this：
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The University of Hard Knocks
〃Sweet are the uses of adversity； Which； like the toad； ugly and
venomous； Wears yet a priceless jewel in its head； And thus our life；
exempt from public haunt； Finds tongues in trees； books in running brooks；
Sermons in stones； and good in everything。〃
〃Tongues in trees；〃 I thought。 〃Trees can't talk！ That man is crazy。
Books in running brooks！ Why nobody never puts no books in no running
brooks。 They'd get wet。 And that sermons in stones！ They get preachers to
preach sermons； and they build houses out of stones。〃
I was sorry for Shakespearewhen I was thirteen。
But I am happy today that I have traveled a little farther。 I am happy
that I have begun to learn the lessons from the bumps。 I am happy that I
am learning the sweet tho painful lessons of the University of Adversity。 I
am happy that I am beginning to listen。 For as I learn to listen； I hear every
tree speaking； every stone preaching and every running brook the
unfolding of a book。
Children； I fear you will not be greatly interested in what is to follow。
Perhaps you are 〃naturally bright〃 and feel sorry for Shakespeare。
I was not interested when father and mother told me these things。 I
knew they meant all right； but the world had moved since they were young；
and now two and two made seven； because we lived so much faster。
It is so hard to tell young people anything。 They know better。 So they
have to get bumped just where we got bumped； to learn that two and two
always makes four； and 〃whatsoever a man soweth； that shall he also
reap。〃
But if you will remember some of these things； they will feel like
poultices by and by when the bumps come。
The Two Colleges
As we get bumped and battered on life's pathway； we discover we get
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The University of Hard Knocks
two kinds of bumpsbumps that we need and bumps that we do not need。
Bumps that we bump into and bumps that bump into us。
We discover； in other words； that The University of Hard Knocks has
two collegesThe College of Needless Knocks and The College of
Needful Knocks。
We attend both colleges。
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The University of Hard Knocks
Chapter II
The College of Needless Knocks
The Bumps That We Bump Into
NEARLY all the bumps we get are Needless Knocks。
There comes a vivid memory of one of my early Needless Knocks as I
say that。 It was back at the time when I was trying to run our home to suit
myself。 I sat in the highest chair in the family circle。 I was three years old
and ready to graduate。
That day they had the little joy and sunshine of the family in his high…
chair throne right up beside the dinner table。 The coffee…pot was within
grabbing distance。
I became enamored with that coffee…pot。 I decided I needed that
coffee…pot in my business。 I reached over to get the coffee…pot。 Then I
discovered a woman beside me； my mother。 She was the most
meddlesome woman I had ever known。 I had not tried to do one thing in
three years that that woman had not meddled into。
And that day when I wanted the coffee…potI did want it。 Nobody
knows how I desired that coffee…pot。 〃One thing thou lackest；〃 a coffee…
pot I was reaching over to get it； that woman said； 〃Don't touch that！〃
The longer I thought about it the more angry I became。 What right has
that woman to meddle into my affairs all the time？ I have stood this
petticoat tyranny three years； and it is time to stop it！
I stopped it。 I got the coffee…pot。 I know I got the coffee…pot。 I got it
unanimously。 I know when I got it and I also know where I got it。 I got
about a gallon of the reddest； hottest coffee a bad boy ever spilled over
himself。
O…o…o…o…o…o！ I can feel it yet！
There were weeks after that when I was upholstered。 They put
applebutter on meand coal oil and white…of…an…egg and starch and
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The University of Hard Knocks
anything else the neighbors could think of。 They would bring it over and
rub it on the little joy and sunshine of the family； who had gotten
temporarily eclipsed。
Teaching a Wilful Child
You see； my mother's way was to tell me and then let me do as I
pleased。 She told me not to get the coffee…pot and then let me get it；
knowing that it would burn me。 She would say； 〃Don't。〃 Then she would
go on with her knitting and let me do as I pleased。
Why don't mothers knit today？
Mother would say； 〃Don't fall in the well。〃 I could go and jump in the
well after that and she would not look at me。 I do not argue that this is the
way to raise children； but I insist that this was the most kind and effective
way to rear one stubborn boy I know of。 The neighbors and the ladies' aid
society often said my mother was cruel with that angel child。 But the
neighbors did not know what kind of an insect mother was trying to raise。
Mother did know。 She knew how stubborn and self…willed I was。 It came
from father's 〃side of the house。〃
Mother knew that to argue with me was to flatter me。 Tell me； serve
notice upon me； and then let me go ahead and get my coffee…pot。 That was
the qui
