a first family of tasajara-第23部分
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handed to him by this smiling; well…to…do woman; he was as shocked
at first as if he had suddenly found her reading his private
letters。 This was followed by a sudden sense of shame that he had
ever thus publicly bared his feelings; and then by the illogical
but irresistible conviction that it was false and stupid。 The few
phrases she had pointed out appeared as cheap and hollow rhetoric
amid the surroundings of their social tete…a…tete over the
luncheon…table。 There was small danger that this heady wine of
woman's praise would make him betray himself; there was no sign of
gratified authorship in his voice as he quietly laid down the paper
and said dryly: 〃I am afraid I can't help you。 You know it may be
purely fanciful。〃
〃I don't think so;〃 said Mrs。 Ashwood thoughtfully。 〃At the same
time it doesn't strike me as a very abiding grief for that very
reason。 It's TOO sympathetic。 It strikes me that it might be the
first grief of some one too young to be inured to sorrow or
experienced enough to accept it as the common lot。 But like all
youthful impressions it is very sincere and true while it lasts。 I
don't know whether one gets anything more real when one gets
older。〃
With an insincerity he could not account for; he now felt inclined
to defend his previous sentiment; although all the while conscious
of a certain charm in his companion's graceful skepticism。 He had
in his truthfulness and independence hitherto always been quite
free from that feeble admiration of cynicism which attacks the
intellectually weak and immature; and his present predilection may
have been due more to her charming personality。 She was not at all
like his sisters; she had none of Clementina's cold abstraction;
and none of Euphemia's sharp and demonstrative effusiveness。 And
in his secret consciousness of her flattering foreknowledge of him;
with her assurance that before they had ever met he had unwittingly
influenced her; he began to feel more at his ease。 His fair
companion also; in the equally secret knowledge she had acquired of
his history; felt as secure as if she had been formally introduced。
Nobody could find fault with her for showing civility to the
ostensible son of her host; it was not necessary that she should be
aware of their family differences。 There was a charm too in their
enforced isolation; in what was the exceptional solitude of the
little hotel that day; and the seclusion of their table by the
window of the dining…room; which gave a charming domesticity to
their repast。 From time to time they glanced down the lonely
canyon; losing itself in the afternoon shadow。 Nevertheless Mrs。
Ashwood's preoccupation with Nature did not preclude a human
curiosity to hear something more of John Milton's quarrel with his
father。 There was certainly nothing of the prodigal son about him;
there was no precocious evil knowledge in his frank eyes; no record
of excesses in his healthy; fresh complexion; no unwholesome or
disturbed tastes in what she had seen of his rural preferences and
understanding of natural beauty。 To have attempted any direct
questioning that would have revealed his name and identity would
have obliged her to speak of herself as his father's guest。 She
began indirectly; he had said he had been a reporter; and he was
still a chronicler of this strange life。 He had of course heard of
many cases of family feuds and estrangements? Her brother had told
her of some dreadful vendettas he had known in the Southwest; and
how whole families had been divided。 Since she had been here she
had heard of odd cases of brothers meeting accidentally after long
and unaccounted separations; of husbands suddenly confronted with
wives they had deserted; of fathers encountering discarded sons!
John Milton's face betrayed no uneasy consciousness。 If anything
it was beginning to glow with a boyish admiration of the grace and
intelligence of the fair speaker; that was perhaps heightened by an
assumption of half coquettish discomfiture。
〃You are laughing at me!〃 she said finally。 〃But inhuman and
selfish as these stories may seem; and sometimes are; I believe
that these curious estrangements and separations often come from
some fatal weakness of temperament that might be strengthened; or
some trivial misunderstanding that could be explained。 It is
separation that makes them seem irrevocable only because they are
inexplicable; and a vague memory always seems more terrible than a
definite one。 Facts may be forgiven and forgotten; but mysteries
haunt one always。 I believe there are weak; sensitive people who
dread to put their wrongs into shape; those are the kind who sulk;
and when you add separation to sulking; reconciliation becomes
impossible。 I knew a very singular case of that kind once。 If you
like; I'll tell it to you。 May be you will be able; some day; to
weave it into one of your writings。 And it's quite true。〃
It is hardly necessary to say that John Milton had not been touched
by any personal significance in his companion's speech; whatever
she may have intended; and it is equally true that whether she had
presently forgotten her purpose; or had become suddenly interested
in her own conversation; her face grew more animated; her manner
more confidential; and something of the youthful enthusiasm she had
shown in the mountain seemed to come back to her。
〃I might say it happened anywhere and call the people M。 or N。;
but it really did occur in my own family; and although I was much
younger at the time it impressed me very strongly。 My cousin; who
had been my playmate; was an orphan; and had been intrusted to the
care of my father; who was his guardian。 He was always a clever
boy; but singularly sensitive and quick to take offense。 Perhaps
it was because the little property his father had left made him
partly dependent on my father; and that I was rich; but he seemed
to feel the disparity in our positions。 I was too young to
understand it; I think it existed only in his imagination; for I
believe we were treated alike。 But I remember that he was full of
vague threats of running away and going to sea; and that it was
part of his weak temperament to terrify me with his extravagant
confidences。 I was always frightened when; after one of those
scenes; he would pack his valise or perhaps only tie up a few
things in a handkerchief; as in the advertisement pictures of the
runaway slaves; and declare that we would never lay eyes upon him
again。 At first I never saw the ridiculousness of all this;for I
ought to have told you that he was a rather delicate and timid boy;
and quite unfitted for a rough life or any exposure;but others
did; and one day I laughed at him and told him he was afraid。 I
shall never forget the expression of his face and never forgive
myself for it。 He went away;but he returned the next day! He
threatened once to commit suicide; left his clothes on the bank of
the river; and came home in another suit of clothes he had taken
with him。 When I was sent abroad to school I lost sight of him;
when I returned he was at college; apparently unchanged。 When he
came home for vacation; far from having been subdued by contact
with strangers; it seemed that his unhappy sensitiveness had been
only intensified by the ridicule of his fellows。 He had even
acquired a most ridiculous theory about the degrading effects of
civilization; and wanted to go back to a state of barbarism。 He
said the wilderness was the only true home of man。 My father;
instead of bearing with what I believe was his infirmity; dryly
offered him the means to try his experiment。 He started for some
place in Texas; saying we would never hear from him again。 A month
after he wrote for more money。 My father replied rather impatiently;
I suppose;I never knew exactly what he wrote。 That was some years
ago。 He had told the truth at last; for we never heard from him
again。〃
It is to be feared that John Milton was following the animated lips
and eyes of the fair speaker rather than her story。 Perhaps that
was the reason why he said; 〃May he not have been a disappointed
man?〃
〃I don't understand;〃 she said simply。
〃Perhaps;〃 said John Milton with a boyish blush; 〃you may have
unconsciously raised hopes in his heartand〃
〃I should hardly attempt to interest a chronicler of adventure like
you in such a very commonplace; every…day style of romance;〃 she
said; with a little impatience; 〃even if my vanity compelled me to
make such confidences to a stranger。 No;it was nothing quite as
vulgar as that。 And;〃 she added quickly; with a playfully amused
smile as she saw the young fellow's evident distress; 〃I should
have probably heard from him again。 Those stories always end in
that way。〃
〃And you think?〃said John Milton。
〃I think;〃 said Mrs。 Ashwood slowly; 〃that he actually did commit
suicideor effaced himself in some way; just as firmly as I
believe he might have been saved by judicious treatment。 Otherwise
we should have heard from him。 You'll say that's only a woman's
reasoningbut I think our perceptions are often instinctive; and I
knew his character。〃
Still following the play of her delicate features into a romance of
his own weaving; the imaginative young reporter who had seen so
much from the heights of Russian Hill said earnestly; 〃Then I have
your permission to use this material at any future time?〃
〃Yes;〃 said the lady smilingly。
〃And you will not mind if I should take some liberties with the
text?〃
〃I must of course leave something to your artistic taste。 But you
will let me see it?〃
There were voices outside now; breaking the silence of the veranda。
They had been so preoccupied as not to notice the arrival of a
horseman。 Steps came along the passage; the landlord returned。
Mrs。 Ashwood turned quickly towards him。