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a first family of tasajara-第23部分

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handed to him by this smiling; well…to…do woman; he was as shocked

at first as if he had suddenly found her reading his private

letters。  This was followed by a sudden sense of shame that he had

ever thus publicly bared his feelings; and then by the illogical

but irresistible conviction that it was false and stupid。  The few

phrases she had pointed out appeared as cheap and hollow rhetoric

amid the surroundings of their social tete…a…tete over the

luncheon…table。  There was small danger that this heady wine of

woman's praise would make him betray himself; there was no sign of

gratified authorship in his voice as he quietly laid down the paper

and said dryly: 〃I am afraid I can't help you。  You know it may be

purely fanciful。〃



〃I don't think so;〃 said Mrs。 Ashwood thoughtfully。  〃At the same

time it doesn't strike me as a very abiding grief for that very

reason。  It's TOO sympathetic。  It strikes me that it might be the

first grief of some one too young to be inured to sorrow or

experienced enough to accept it as the common lot。  But like all

youthful impressions it is very sincere and true while it lasts。  I

don't know whether one gets anything more real when one gets

older。〃



With an insincerity he could not account for; he now felt inclined

to defend his previous sentiment; although all the while conscious

of a certain charm in his companion's graceful skepticism。  He had

in his truthfulness and independence hitherto always been quite

free from that feeble admiration of cynicism which attacks the

intellectually weak and immature; and his present predilection may

have been due more to her charming personality。  She was not at all

like his sisters; she had none of Clementina's cold abstraction;

and none of Euphemia's sharp and demonstrative effusiveness。  And

in his secret consciousness of her flattering foreknowledge of him;

with her assurance that before they had ever met he had unwittingly

influenced her; he began to feel more at his ease。  His fair

companion also; in the equally secret knowledge she had acquired of

his history; felt as secure as if she had been formally introduced。

Nobody could find fault with her for showing civility to the

ostensible son of her host; it was not necessary that she should be

aware of their family differences。  There was a charm too in their

enforced isolation; in what was the exceptional solitude of the

little hotel that day; and the seclusion of their table by the

window of the dining…room; which gave a charming domesticity to

their repast。  From time to time they glanced down the lonely

canyon; losing itself in the afternoon shadow。  Nevertheless Mrs。

Ashwood's preoccupation with Nature did not preclude a human

curiosity to hear something more of John Milton's quarrel with his

father。  There was certainly nothing of the prodigal son about him;

there was no precocious evil knowledge in his frank eyes; no record

of excesses in his healthy; fresh complexion; no unwholesome or

disturbed tastes in what she had seen of his rural preferences and

understanding of natural beauty。  To have attempted any direct

questioning that would have revealed his name and identity would

have obliged her to speak of herself as his father's guest。  She

began indirectly; he had said he had been a reporter; and he was

still a chronicler of this strange life。  He had of course heard of

many cases of family feuds and estrangements?  Her brother had told

her of some dreadful vendettas he had known in the Southwest; and

how whole families had been divided。  Since she had been here she

had heard of odd cases of brothers meeting accidentally after long

and unaccounted separations; of husbands suddenly confronted with

wives they had deserted; of fathers encountering discarded sons!



John Milton's face betrayed no uneasy consciousness。  If anything

it was beginning to glow with a boyish admiration of the grace and

intelligence of the fair speaker; that was perhaps heightened by an

assumption of half coquettish discomfiture。



〃You are laughing at me!〃 she said finally。  〃But inhuman and

selfish as these stories may seem; and sometimes are; I believe

that these curious estrangements and separations often come from

some fatal weakness of temperament that might be strengthened; or

some trivial misunderstanding that could be explained。  It is

separation that makes them seem irrevocable only because they are

inexplicable; and a vague memory always seems more terrible than a

definite one。  Facts may be forgiven and forgotten; but mysteries

haunt one always。  I believe there are weak; sensitive people who

dread to put their wrongs into shape; those are the kind who sulk;

and when you add separation to sulking; reconciliation becomes

impossible。  I knew a very singular case of that kind once。  If you

like; I'll tell it to you。  May be you will be able; some day; to

weave it into one of your writings。  And it's quite true。〃



It is hardly necessary to say that John Milton had not been touched

by any personal significance in his companion's speech; whatever

she may have intended; and it is equally true that whether she had

presently forgotten her purpose; or had become suddenly interested

in her own conversation; her face grew more animated; her manner

more confidential; and something of the youthful enthusiasm she had

shown in the mountain seemed to come back to her。



〃I might say it happened anywhere and call the people M。 or N。;

but it really did occur in my own family; and although I was much

younger at the time it impressed me very strongly。  My cousin; who

had been my playmate; was an orphan; and had been intrusted to the

care of my father; who was his guardian。  He was always a clever

boy; but singularly sensitive and quick to take offense。  Perhaps

it was because the little property his father had left made him

partly dependent on my father; and that I was rich; but he seemed

to feel the disparity in our positions。  I was too young to

understand it; I think it existed only in his imagination; for I

believe we were treated alike。  But I remember that he was full of

vague threats of running away and going to sea; and that it was

part of his weak temperament to terrify me with his extravagant

confidences。  I was always frightened when; after one of those

scenes; he would pack his valise or perhaps only tie up a few

things in a handkerchief; as in the advertisement pictures of the

runaway slaves; and declare that we would never lay eyes upon him

again。  At first I never saw the ridiculousness of all this;for I

ought to have told you that he was a rather delicate and timid boy;

and quite unfitted for a rough life or any exposure;but others

did; and one day I laughed at him and told him he was afraid。  I

shall never forget the expression of his face and never forgive

myself for it。  He went away;but he returned the next day!  He

threatened once to commit suicide; left his clothes on the bank of

the river; and came home in another suit of clothes he had taken

with him。  When I was sent abroad to school I lost sight of him;

when I returned he was at college; apparently unchanged。  When he

came home for vacation; far from having been subdued by contact

with strangers; it seemed that his unhappy sensitiveness had been

only intensified by the ridicule of his fellows。  He had even

acquired a most ridiculous theory about the degrading effects of

civilization; and wanted to go back to a state of barbarism。  He

said the wilderness was the only true home of man。  My father;

instead of bearing with what I believe was his infirmity; dryly

offered him the means to try his experiment。  He started for some

place in Texas; saying we would never hear from him again。  A month

after he wrote for more money。  My father replied rather impatiently;

I suppose;I never knew exactly what he wrote。  That was some years

ago。  He had told the truth at last; for we never heard from him

again。〃



It is to be feared that John Milton was following the animated lips

and eyes of the fair speaker rather than her story。  Perhaps that

was the reason why he said; 〃May he not have been a disappointed

man?〃



〃I don't understand;〃 she said simply。



〃Perhaps;〃 said John Milton with a boyish blush; 〃you may have

unconsciously raised hopes in his heartand〃



〃I should hardly attempt to interest a chronicler of adventure like

you in such a very commonplace; every…day style of romance;〃 she

said; with a little impatience; 〃even if my vanity compelled me to

make such confidences to a stranger。  No;it was nothing quite as

vulgar as that。  And;〃 she added quickly; with a playfully amused

smile as she saw the young fellow's evident distress; 〃I should

have probably heard from him again。  Those stories always end in

that way。〃



〃And you think?〃said John Milton。



〃I think;〃 said Mrs。 Ashwood slowly; 〃that he actually did commit

suicideor effaced himself in some way; just as firmly as I

believe he might have been saved by judicious treatment。  Otherwise

we should have heard from him。  You'll say that's only a woman's

reasoningbut I think our perceptions are often instinctive; and I

knew his character。〃



Still following the play of her delicate features into a romance of

his own weaving; the imaginative young reporter who had seen so

much from the heights of Russian Hill said earnestly; 〃Then I have

your permission to use this material at any future time?〃



〃Yes;〃 said the lady smilingly。



〃And you will not mind if I should take some liberties with the

text?〃



〃I must of course leave something to your artistic taste。  But you

will let me see it?〃



There were voices outside now; breaking the silence of the veranda。

They had been so preoccupied as not to notice the arrival of a

horseman。  Steps came along the passage; the landlord returned。

Mrs。 Ashwood turned quickly towards him。




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