the man who was afraid-第49部分

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hen　disappear　somewhere！　I　would　like　to　run　away　from　everything。　I　am　so　weary！〃

〃That's　interesting！〃　said　Yozhov；　rubbing　his　hands　and　turning　about　in　all　directions。　〃This　is　interesting；　if　it　is　true　and　deep；　for　it　shows　that　the　holy　spirit　of　dissatisfaction　with　life　has　already　penetrated　into　the　bed　chambers　of　the　merchants；　into　the　death　chambers　of　souls　drowned　in　fat　cabbage　soup；　in　lakes　of　tea　and　other　liquids。　Give　me　a　circumstantial　account　of　it。　Then；　my　dear；　I　shall　write　a　novel。〃

〃I　have　been　told　that　you　have　already　written　something　about　me？〃　inquired　Foma；　with　curiosity；　and　once　more　attentively　scrutinized　his　old　friend　unable　to　understand　what　so　wretched　a　creature　could　write。

〃Of　course　I　have！　Did　you　read　it？〃

〃No；　I　did　not　have　the　chance。〃

〃And　what　have　they　told　you？〃

〃That　you　gave　me　a　clever　scolding。〃

〃Hm！　And　doesn't　it　interest　you　to　read　it　yourself？〃　inquired　Yozhov；　scrutinizing　Gordyeeff　closely。

〃I'll　read　it！〃　Foma　assured　him；　feeling　embarrassed　before　Yozhov；　and　that　Yozhov　was　offended　by　such　regard　for　his　writings。　〃Indeed；　it　is　interesting　since　it　is　about　myself；〃　he　added；　smiling　kindheartedly　at　his　comrade。

In　saying　this　he　was　not　at　all　interested；　and　he　said　it　merely　out　of　pity　for　Yozhov。　There　was　quite　another　feeling　in　him；　he　wished　to　know　what　sort　of　a　man　Yozhov　was；　and　why　he　had　become　so　worn　out。　This　meeting　with　Yozhov　gave　rise　in　him　to　a　tranquil　and　kind　feeling；　it　called　forth　recollections　of　his　childhood；　and　these　flashed　now　in　his　memory；flashed　like　modest　little　lights；　timidly　shining　at　him　from　the　distance　of　the　past。　Yozhov　walked　up　to　the　table　on　which　stood　a　boiling　samovar；　silently　poured　out　two　glasses　of　tea　as　strong　as　tar；　and　said　to　Foma：

〃Come　and　drink　tea。　And　tell　me　about　yourself。〃

〃I　have　nothing　to　tell　you。　I　have　not　seen　anything　in　life。　Mine　is　an　empty　life！　You　had　better　tell　me　about　yourself。　I　am　sure　you　know　more　than　I　do；　at　any　rate。〃

Yozhov　became　thoughtful；　not　ceasing　to　turn　his　whole　body　and　to　waggle　his　head。　In　thoughtfulness　his　face　became　motionless；　all　its　wrinkles　gathered　near　his　eyes　and　seemed　to　surround　them　with　rays；　and　because　of　this　his　eyes　receded　deeper　under　his　forehead。

〃Yes；　my　dear；　I　have　seen　a　thing　or　two；　and　I　know　a　great　deal；〃　he　began；　with　a　shake　of　the　head。　〃And　perhaps　I　know　even　more　than　it　is　necessary　for　me　to　know；　and　to　know　more　than　it　is　necessary　is　just　as　harmful　to　man　as　it　is　to　be　ignorant　of　what　it　is　essential　to　know。　Shall　I　tell　you　how　I　have　lived？　Very　well；　that　is；　I'll　try。　I　have　never　told　any　one　about　myself；　because　I　have　never　aroused　interest　in　anyone。　It　is　most　offensive　to　live　on　earth　without　arousing　people's　interest　in　you！〃

〃I　can　see　by　your　face　and　by　everything　else　that　your　life　has　not　been　a　smooth　one！〃　said　Foma；　feeling　pleased　with　the　fact　that；　to　all　appearances；　life　was　not　sweet　to　his　comrade　as　well。　Yozhov　drank　his　tea　at　one　draught；　thrust　the　glass　on　the　saucer；　placed　his　feet　on　the　edge　of　the　chair；　and　clasping　his　knees　in　his　hands；　rested　his　chin　upon　them。　In　this　pose；　small　sized　and　flexible　as　rubber；　he　began：

〃The　student　Sachkov；　my　former　teacher；　who　is　now　a　doctor　of　medicine；　a　whist…player　and　a　mean　fellow　all　around；　used　to　tell　me　whenever　I　knew　my　lesson　well：　'You're　a　fine　fellow；　Kolya！　You　are　an　able　boy。　We　proletariats；　plain　and　poor　people；　coming　from　the　backyard　of　life；　we　must　study　and　study；　in　order　to　come　to　the　front；　ahead　of　everybody。　Russia　is　in　need　of　wise　and　honest　people。　Try　to　be　such；　and　you　will　be　master　of　your　fate　and　a　useful　member　of　society。　On　us　commoners　rest　the　best　hopes　of　the　country。　We　are　destined　to　bring　into　it　light；　truth；'　and　so　on。　I　believed　him；　the　brute。　And　since　then　about　twenty　years　have　elapsed。　We　proletariats　have　grown　up；　but　have　neither　appropriated　any　wisdom；　nor　brought　light　into　life。　As　before；　Russia　is　still　suffering　from　its　chronic　diseasea　superabundance　of　rascals；　while　we；　the　proletariats；　take　pleasure　in　filling　their　dense　throngs。　My　teacher；　I　repeat；　is　a　lackey；　a　characterless　and　dumb　creature；　who　must　obey　the　orders　of　the　mayor。　While　1　am　a　clown　in　the　employ　of　society。　Fame　pursues　me　here　in　town；　dear。　I　walk　along　the　street　and　I　hear　one　driver　say　to　another：　'There　goes　Yozhov！　How　cleverly　he　barks；　the　deuce　take　him！'　Yes！　Even　this　cannot　be　so　easily　attained。〃

Yozhov's　face　wrinkled　into　a　bitter　grimace；　and　he　began　to　laugh；　noiselessly；　with　his　lips　only。　Foma　did　not　understand　his　words；　and；　just　to　say　something；　he　remarked　at　random：

〃You　didn't　hit；　then；　what　you　aimed　at？〃

〃Yes；　I　thought　I　would　grow　up　higher。　And　so　I　should！　So　I　should；　I　say！〃

He　jumped　up　from　his　chair　and　began　to　run　about　in　the　room；　exclaiming　briskly　in　a　shrill　voice：

〃But　to　preserve　one's　self　pure　for　life　and　to　be　a　free　man　in　it；　one　must　have　vast　powers！　I　had　them。　I　had　elasticity；　cleverness。　I　have　spent　all　these　in　order　to　learn　something　which　is　absolutely　unnecessary　to　me　now。　I　have　wasted　the　whole　of　myself　in　order　to　preserve　something　within　myself。　0h　devil！　I　myself　and　many　others　with　me；　we　have　all　robbed　ourselves　for　the　sake　of　saving　up　something　for　life。　Just　think　of　it：　desiring　to　make　of　myself　a　valuable　man；　I　have　underrated　my　individuality　in　every　way　possible。　In　order　to　study；　and　not　die　of　starvation；　I　have　for　six　years　in　succession　taught　blockheads　how　to　read　and　write；　and　had　to　bear　a　mass　of　abominations　at　the　hands　of　various　papas　and　mammas；　who　humiliated　me　without　any　constraint。　Earning　my　bread　and　tea；　I　could　not；　I　had　not　the　time　to　earn　my　shoes；　and　I　had　to　turn　to　charitable　institutions　with　humble　petitions　for　loans　on　the　strength　of　my　poverty。　If　the　philanthropists　could　only　reckon　up　how　much　of　the　spirit　they　kill　in　man　while　supporting　the　life　of　his　body！　If　they　only　knew　that　each　rouble　they　give　for　bread　contains　ninety…nine　copecks'　worth　of　poison　for　the　soul！　If　they　could　only　burst　from　excess　of　their　kindness　and　pride；　which　they　draw　from　their　holy　activity！　There　is　none　on　earth　more　disgusting　and　repulsive　than　he　who　gives　alms；　even　as　there　is　none　more　miserable　than　he　who　accepts　it！〃

Yozhov　staggered　about　in　the　room　like　a　drunken　man；　seized　with　madness；　and　the　paper　under　his　feet　was　rustling；　tearing；　flying　in　scraps。　He　gnashed　his　teeth；　shook　his　head；　his　hands　waved　in　the　air　like　broken　wings　of　a　bird；　and　altogether　it　seemed　as　though　he　were　being　boiled　in　a　kettle　of　hot　water。　Foma　looked　at　him　with　a　strange；　mixed　sensation；　he　pitied　Yozhov；　and　at　the　same　time　he　was　pleased　to　see　him　suffering。

〃I　am　not　alone；　he　is　suffering；　too；〃　thought　Foma；　as　Yozhov　spoke。　And　something　clashed　in　Yozhov's　throat；　like　broken　glass；　and　creaked　like　an　unoiled　hinge。

〃Poisoned　by　the　kindness　of　men；　I　was　ruined　through　the　fatal　capacity　of　every　poor　fellow　during　the　making　of　his　career；　through　the　capacity　of　being　reconciled　with　little　in　the　expectation　of　much。　Oh！　Do　you　know；　more　people　perish　through　lack　of　proper　self…appreciation　than　from　consumption；　and　perhaps　that　is　why　the　leaders　of　the　masses　serve　as　district　inspectors！〃

〃The　devil　take　the　district　inspectors！〃　said　Foma；　with　a　wave　of　the　hand。　〃Tell　me　about　yourself。〃

〃About　myself！　I　am　here　entire！〃　exclaimed　Yozhov；　stopping　short　in　the　middle　of　the　room；　and　striking　his　chest　with　his　hands。　〃I　have　already　accomplished　all　I　could　accomplish。　I　have　attained　the　rank　of　the　public's　entertainerand　that　is　all　I　can　do！　To　know　what　should　be　done；　and　not　to　be　able　to　do　it；　not　to　have　the　strength　for　your　workthat　is　torture！〃

〃That's　it！　Wait　awhile！　〃said　Foma；　enthusiastically。　〃Now　tell　me　what　one　should　do　in　order　to　live　calmly；　that　is；　in　order　to　be　satisfied　with　one's　self。〃

To　Foma　these　words　sounded　loud；　but　empty；　and　their　sounds　died　away　without　stirring　any　emotion　in　his　heart；　without　giving　rise　to　a　single　thought　in　his　mind。

〃You　must　always　be　in　love　with　something　unattainable　to　you。　A　man　grows　in　height　by　stretching　himself　upwards。〃

Now　that　he　had　ceased　speaking　of　himself；　Yozhov　began　to　talk　more　calmly；　in　a　different　voice。　His　voice　was　firm　and　resolute；　and　his　face　assumed　an　expression　of　importance　and　sternness。　He　stood　in　the　centre　of　the　room；　his　hand　with　outstretched　fingers　uplifted；　and　spoke　as　though　he　were　reading：

〃Men　are　base　because　they　strive　for　satiety。　The　well…fed　man　is　an　animal　because　satiety　is　the　self…contentedness　of　the　body。　And　the　self…contentedness　of　the　spirit　also　turns　man　into　animal。〃

Again　he　started　as　though　all　his　veins　and　muscles　were　suddenly　strained；　and　again　he　began　to　run　about　the　room　in　seething　agitation。

〃A　self…contented　man　is　the　hardened　swelling　on　the　breast　of　society。　He　is　my　sworn　enemy。　He　fills　himself　up　with　cheap　truths；　with　gnawed　morsels　of　musty　wisdom；　and　he　exists　like　a　storeroom　where　a　stingy　housewife　keeps　all　sorts　of　rubbish　which　is　absolutely　unnecessary　to　her；　and　worthless。　If　you　touch　such　a　man；　if　you　open　the　door　into　him；　the　stench　of　decay　will　be　breathed　upon　you；　and　a　stream　of　some　musty　trash　will　be　poured　into　the　air　you　breathe。　These　unfortunate　people　call　themselves　men　of　firm　character；　men　of　principles　and　convictions。　And　no　one　cares　to　see　that　convictions　are　to　them　but　the　clothes　with　which　they　cover　the　beggarly　nakedness　of　their　souls。　On　the　narrow　brows　of　such　people　there　always　shines　the　inscription　so　familiar　to　all：　calmness　and　confidence。　What　a　false　inscription！　Just　rub　their　foreheads　with　firm　hand　and　then　you　will　see　the　real　sign…board；　which　reads：　'Narrow　mindedness　and　weakness　of　soul！'〃

Foma　watched　Yozhov　bustling　about　the　room；　and　thought　mournfully：

〃Whom　is　he　abusing？　I　can't　understand；　but　I　can　see　that　he　has　been　terribly　wounded。〃

〃How　many　such　peopl