the jacket (the star-rover)-第21部分

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tackle　the　desert。　　Maybe　we　can　shoot　some　meat。　　And　if　the　worst

comes　to　the　worst；　we'll　keep　going　as　long　as　we　can；　then　abandon

the　wagons；　pack　what　we　can　on　our　animals；　and　make　the　last

stages　on　foot。　　We　can　eat　our　cattle　as　we　go　along。　　It　would　be

better　to　arrive　in　California　without　a　rag　to　our　backs　than　to

leave　our　bones　here；　and　leave　them　we　will　if　we　start　a　ruction。〃



With　final　reiterated　warnings　against　violence　of　speech　or　act；

the　impromptu　meeting　broke　up。　　I　was　slow　in　falling　asleep　that

night。　　My　rage　against　the　Mormon　had　left　my　brain　in　such　a

tingle　that　I　was　still　awake　when　my　father　crawled　into　the　wagon

after　a　last　round　of　the　night…watch。　　They　thought　I　slept；　but　I

heard　mother　ask　him　if　he　thought　that　the　Mormons　would　let　us

depart　peacefully　from　their　land。　　His　face　was　turned　aside　from

her　as　he　busied　himself　with　pulling　off　a　boot；　while　he　answered

her　with　hearty　confidence　that　he　was　sure　the　Mormons　would　let　us

go　if　none　of　our　own　company　started　trouble。



But　I　saw　his　face　at　that　moment　in　the　light　of　a　small　tallow

dip；　and　in　it　was　none　of　the　confidence　that　was　in　his　voice。　　So

it　was　that　I　fell　asleep；　oppressed　by　the　dire　fate　that　seemed　to

overhang　us；　and　pondering　upon　Brigham　Young　who　bulked　in　my　child

imagination　as　a　fearful；　malignant　being；　a　very　devil　with　horns

and　tail　and　all。





And　I　awoke　to　the　old　pain　of　the　jacket　in　solitary。　　About　me

were　the　customary　four：　　Warden　Atherton；　Captain　Jamie；　Doctor

Jackson；　and　Al　Hutchins。　　I　cracked　my　face　with　my　willed　smile；

and　struggled　not　to　lose　control　under　the　exquisite　torment　of

returning　circulation。　　I　drank　the　water　they　held　to　me；　waved

aside　the　proffered　bread；　and　refused　to　speak。　　I　closed　my　eyes

and　strove　to　win　back　to　the　chain…locked　wagon…circle　at　Nephi。

But　so　long　as　my　visitors　stood　about　me　and　talked　I　could　not

escape。



One　snatch　of　conversation　I　could　not　tear　myself　away　from

hearing。



〃Just　as　yesterday；〃　Doctor　Jackson　said。　　〃No　change　one　way　or　the

other。〃



〃Then　he　can　go　on　standing　it？〃　Warden　Atherton　queried。



〃Without　a　quiver。　　The　next　twenty…four　hours　as　easy　as　the　last。

He's　a　wooz；　I　tell　you；　a　perfect　wooz。　　If　I　didn't　know　it　was

impossible；　I'd　say　he　was　doped。〃



〃I　know　his　dope；〃　said　the　Warden。　　〃It's　that　cursed　will　of　his。

I'd　bet；　if　he　made　up　his　mind；　that　he　could　walk　barefoot　across

red…hot　stones；　like　those　Kanaka　priests　from　the　South　Seas。〃



Now　perhaps　it　was　the　word　〃priests〃　that　I　carried　away　with　me

through　the　darkness　of　another　flight　in　time。　　Perhaps　it　was　the

cue。　　More　probably　it　was　a　mere　coincidence。　　At　any　rate　I　awoke；

lying　upon　a　rough　rocky　floor；　and　found　myself　on　my　back；　my　arms

crossed　in　such　fashion　that　each　elbow　rested　in　the　palm　of　the

opposite　hand。　　As　I　lay　there；　eyes　closed；　half　awake；　I　rubbed　my

elbows　with　my　palms　and　found　that　I　was　rubbing　prodigious

calluses。　　There　was　no　surprise　in　this。　　I　accepted　the　calluses

as　of　long　time　and　a　matter　of　course。



I　opened　my　eyes。　　My　shelter　was　a　small　cave；　no　more　than　three

feet　in　height　and　a　dozen　in　length。　　It　was　very　hot　in　the　cave。

Perspiration　noduled　the　entire　surface　of　my　body。　　Now　and　again

several　nodules　coalesced　and　formed　tiny　rivulets。　　I　wore　no

clothing　save　a　filthy　rag　about　the　middle。　　My　skin　was　burned　to

a　mahogany　brown。　　I　was　very　thin；　and　I　contemplated　my　thinness

with　a　strange　sort　of　pride；　as　if　it　were　an　achievement　to　be　so

thin。　　Especially　was　I　enamoured　of　my　painfully　prominent　ribs。

The　very　sight　of　the　hollows　between　them　gave　me　a　sense　of　solemn

elation；　or；　rather；　to　use　a　better　word；　of　sanctification。



My　knees　were　callused　like　my　elbows。　　I　was　very　dirty。　　My　beard；

evidently　once　blond；　but　now　a　dirt…stained　and　streaky　brown；

swept　my　midriff　in　a　tangled　mass。　　My　long　hair；　similarly　stained

and　tangled；　was　all　about　my　shoulders；　while　wisps　of　it

continually　strayed　in　the　way　of　my　vision　so　that　sometimes　I　was

compelled　to　brush　it　aside　with　my　hands。　　For　the　most　part；

however；　I　contented　myself　with　peering　through　it　like　a　wild

animal　from　a　thicket。



Just　at　the　tunnel…like　mouth　of　my　dim　cave　the　day　reared　itself

in　a　wall　of　blinding　sunshine。　　After　a　time　I　crawled　to　the

entrance；　and；　for　the　sake　of　greater　discomfort；　lay　down　in　the

burning　sunshine　on　a　narrow　ledge　of　rock。　　It　positively　baked　me；

that　terrible　sun；　and　the　more　it　hurt　me　the　more　I　delighted　in

it；　or　in　myself　rather；　in　that　I　was　thus　the　master　of　my　flesh

and　superior　to　its　claims　and　remonstrances。　　When　I　found　under　me

a　particularly　sharp；　but　not　too　sharp；　rock…projection；　I　ground

my　body　upon　the　point　of　it；　rowelled　my　flesh　in　a　very　ecstasy　of

mastery　and　of　purification。



It　was　a　stagnant　day　of　heat。　　Not　a　breath　of　air　moved　over　the

river　valley　on　which　I　sometimes　gazed。　　Hundreds　of　feet　beneath

me　the　wide　river　ran　sluggishly。　　The　farther　shore　was　flat　and

sandy　and　stretched　away　to　the　horizon。　　Above　the　water　were

scattered　clumps　of　palm…trees。



On　my　side；　eaten　into　a　curve　by　the　river；　were　lofty；　crumbling

cliffs。　　Farther　along　the　curve；　in　plain　view　from　my　eyrie；

carved　out　of　the　living　rock；　were　four　colossal　figures。　　It　was

the　stature　of　a　man　to　their　ankle　joints。　　The　four　colossi　sat；

with　hands　resting　on　knees；　with　arms　crumbled　quite　away；　and

gazed　out　upon　the　river。　　At　least　three　of　them　so　gazed。　　Of　the

fourth　all　that　remained　were　the　lower　limbs　to　the　knees　and　the

huge　hands　resting　on　the　knees。　　At　the　feet　of　this　one；

ridiculously　small；　crouched　a　sphinx；　yet　this　sphinx　was　taller

than　I。



I　looked　upon　these　carven　images　with　contempt；　and　spat　as　I

looked。　　I　knew　not　what　they　were；　whether　forgotten　gods　or

unremembered　kings。　　But　to　me　they　were　representative　of　the

vanity　of　earth…men　and　earth…aspirations。



And　over　all　this　curve　of　river　and　sweep　of　water　and　wide　sands

beyond　arched　a　sky　of　aching　brass　unflecked　by　the　tiniest　cloud。



The　hours　passed　while　I　roasted　in　the　sun。　　Often；　for　quite

decent　intervals；　I　forgot　my　heat　and　pain　in　dreams　and　visions

and　in　memories。　　All　this　I　knewcrumbling　colossi　and　river　and

sand　and　sun　and　brazen　skywas　to　pass　away　in　the　twinkling　of　an

eye。　　At　any　moment　the　trumps　of　the　archangels　might　sound；　the

stars　fall　out　of　the　sky；　the　heavens　roll　up　as　a　scroll；　and　the

Lord　God　of　all　come　with　his　hosts　for　the　final　judgment。



Ah；　I　knew　it　so　profoundly　that　I　was　ready　for　such　sublime　event。

That　was　why　I　was　here　in　rags　and　filth　and　wretchedness。　　I　was

meek　and　lowly；　and　I　despised　the　frail　needs　and　passions　of　the

flesh。　　And　I　thought　with　contempt；　and　with　a　certain

satisfaction；　of　the　far　cities　of　the　plain　I　had　known；　all

unheeding；　in　their　pomp　and　lust；　of　the　last　day　so　near　at　hand。

Well；　they　would　see　soon　enough；　but　too　late　for　them。　　And　I

should　see。　　But　I　was　ready。　　And　to　their　cries　and　lamentations

would　I　arise；　reborn　and　glorious；　and　take　my　well…earned　and

rightful　place　in　the　City　of　God。



At　times；　between　dreams　and　visions　in　which　I　was　verily　and

before　my　time　in　the　City　of　God；　I　conned　over　in　my　mind　old

discussions　and　controversies。　　Yes；　Novatus　was　right　in　his

contention　that　penitent　apostates　should　never　again　be　received

into　the　churches。　　Also；　there　was　no　doubt　that　Sabellianism　was

conceived　of　the　devil。　　So　was　Constantine；　the　arch…fiend；　the

devil's　right　hand。



Continually　I　returned　to　contemplation　of　the　nature　of　the　unity

of　God；　and　went　over　and　over　the　contentions　of　Noetus；　the

Syrian。　　Better；　however；　did　I　like　the　contentions　of　my　beloved

teacher；　Arius。　　Truly；　if　human　reason　could　determine　anything　at

all；　there　must　have　been　a　time；　in　the　very　nature　of　sonship；

when　the　Son　did　not　exist。　　In　the　nature　of　sonship　there　must

have　been　a　time　when　the　Son　commenced　to　exist。　　A　father　must　be

older　than　his　son。　　To　hold　otherwise　were　a　blasphemy　and　a

belittlement　of　God。



And　I　remembered　back　to　my　young　days　when　I　had　sat　at　the　feet　of

Arius；　who　had　been　a　presbyter　of　the　city　of　Alexandria；　and　who

had　been　robbed　of　the　bishopric　by　the　blasphemous　and　heretical

Alexander。　　Alexander　the　Sabellianite；　that　is　what　he　was；　and　his

feet　had　fast　hold　of　hell。



Yes；　I　had　been　to　the　Council　of　Nicea；　and　seen　it　avoid　the

issue。　　And　I　remembered　when　the　Emperor　Constantine　had　banished

Arius　for　his　uprightness。　　And　I　remembered　when　Constantine

repented　for　reasons　of　state　and　policy　and　commanded　Alexander

the　other　Alexander；　thrice　cursed；　Bishop　of　Constantinopleto

receive　Arius　into　communion　on　the　morrow。　　And　that　very　night　did

not　Arius　die　in　the　street？　　They　said　it　was　a　violent　sickness

visited　upon　him　in　answer　to　Alexander's　prayer　to　God。　　But　I

said；　and　so　said　all　we　Arians；　that　the　violent　sickness　was　due

to　a　poison；　and　that　the　poison　was　due　to　Alexander　himself；

Bishop　of　Constantinople　and　devil's　poisoner。



And　here　I　ground　my　body　back　and　forth　on　the　sharp　stones；　and

muttered　aloud；　drunk　with　conviction：



〃Let　the　Jews　and　Pagans　mock。　　Let　them　triumph；　for　their　time　is

short。　　And　for　them　there　will　be　no　time　after　time。〃



I　talked　to　myself　aloud　a　great　deal　on　that　rocky　shelf

overlooking　the　river。　　I　was　feverish；　and　on　occasion　I　drank

sparingly　of　water　from　a　stinking　goatskin。　　This　goatskin　I　kept

hanging　in　the　sun　that　the　stench　of　the　skin　might　increase　and

that　there　might　be　no　refreshment　of　coolness　in　the　water。　　Food

there　was；　lying　in　the　dirt　on　my　cave…floora　few　roots　and　a