the ways of men-第8部分

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Examinations　now　keep　daltonic　gentlemen　out　of　locomotives；　　and　ladies　who　have　lost　their　〃keys〃　are　apt　to　find　their　　friends'　pianos　closed。　　What　we　cannot　guard　against　is　a　　variety　of　the　genus　HOMO　which　suffers　from　〃social　color…　blindness。〃　　These　well…meaning　mortals　form　one　of　the　　hardest　trials　that　society　is　heir　to；　for　the　disease　is　　incurable；　and　as　it　is　almost　impossible　to　escape　from　them；　　they　continue　to　spread　dismay　and　confusion　along　their　path　　to　the　bitter　end。

This　malady；　which；　as　far　as　I　know；　has　not　been　diagnosed；　　invades　all　circles；　and　is；　curiously　enough；　rampant　among　　well…born　and　apparently　well…bred　people。

Why　is　it　that　the　entertainments　at　certain　houses　are　always　　dull　failures；　while　across　the　way　one　enjoys　such　agreeable　　evenings？　　Both　hosts　are　gentlemen；　enjoying　about　the　same　　amount　of　〃unearned　increment；〃　yet　the　atmosphere　of　their　　houses　is　radically　different。　　This　contrast　cannot　be　traced　　to　the　dulness　or　brilliancy　of　the　entertainer　and　his　wife。　　　Neither　can　it　be　laid　at　the　door　of　inexperience；　for　the　　worst　offenders　are　often　old　hands　at　the　game。

The　only　explanation　possible　is　that　the　owners　of　houses　　where　one　is　bored　are　socially　color…blind；　as　cheerfully　　unconscious　of　their　weakness　as　the　keyless　lady　and　the　　whistling　abomination。

Since　increasing　wealth　has　made　entertaining　general　and　　lavish；　this　malady　has　become　more　and　more　apparent；　until　　one　is　tempted　to　parody　Mme。　Roland's　dying　exclamation　and　　cry；　〃Hospitality！　hospitility！　what　crimes　are　committed　in　　thy　name！〃

Entertaining　is　for　many　people　but　an　excuse　for　ostentation。　　　For　others　it　is　a　means　to　an　end；　while　a　third　variety　　apparently　keep　a　debit　and　credit　account　with　their　　acquaintances　…　in　books　of　double　entry；　so　that　no　errors　　may　occur　…　and　issue　invitations　like　receipts；　only　in　　return　for　value　received。

We　can　rarely　tell　what　is　passing　in　the　minds　of　people　　about　us。　　Some　of　those　mentioned　above　may　feel　a　vague　　pleasure　when　their　rooms　are　filled　with　a　chattering　crowd　　of　more　or　less　well…assorted　guests；　if　that　is　denied　them；　　can　find　consolation　for　the　outlay　in　an　indefinite　sensation　　of　having　performed　a　duty；　…　what　duty；　or　to　whom；　they　　would；　however；　find　it　difficult　to　define。

Let　the　novice　flee　from　the　allurements　of　such　a　host。　　Old　　hands　know　him　and　have　got　him　on　their　list；　escaping　when　　escape　is　possible；　for　he　will　mate　the　green　youth　with　the　　red　frump；　or　like　a　premature　millennium　force　the　lion　and　　the　lamb　to　lie　down　together；　and　imagine　he　has　given　　unmixed　pleasure　to　both。

One　would　expect　that　great　worldly　lights　might　learn　by　　experience　how　fatal　bungled　entertainments　can　be；　but　such　　is　not　the　case。　　Many　well…intentioned　people　continue　　sacrificing　their　friends　on　the　altar　of　hospitality　year　　after　year　with　never　a　qualm　of　conscience　or　a　sensation　of　　pity　for　their　victims。　　One　practical　lady　of　my　acquaintance　　asks　her　guests　alphabetically；　commencing　the　season　and　the　　first　leaf　of　her　visiting　list　simultaneously　and　working　　steadily　on　through　both　to　〃finis。〃　　If　you　are　an　A；　you　　will　meet　only　A's　at　her　table；　with　perhaps　one　or　two　B's　　thrown　in　to　fill　up；　you　may　sit　next　to　your　mother…in…law　　for　all　the　hostess　cares。　　She　has　probably　never　heard　that　　the　number　of　guests　at　table　should　not　exceed　that　of　the　　muses；　or　if　by　any　chance　she　has　heard　it；　does　not　care；　　and　considers　such　a　rule　old…fashioned　and　not　appropriate　to　　our　improved　modern　methods　of　entertaining。

One　wonders　what　possible　satisfaction　a　host　can　derive　from　　providing　fifty　people　with　unwholesome　food　and　drink　at　a　　fixed　date。　　It　is　a　physical　impossibility　for　him　to　have　　more　than　a　passing　word　with　his　guests；　and　ten　to　one　the　　unaccustomed　number　has　upset　the　internal　arrangements　of　his　　household；　so　that　the　dinner　will；　in　consequence；　be　poor　　and　the　service　defective。

A　side…light　on　this　question　came　to　me　recently　when　an　　exceedingly　frank　husband　confided　to　a　circle　of　his　friends　　at　the　club　the　scheme　his　wife；　who；　though　on　pleasure　bent；　　was　of　a　frugal　mind；　had　adopted　to　balance　her　social　　ledger。

〃As　we　dine　out　constantly　through　the　year；〃　remarked　　Benedict；　〃some　return　is　necessary。　　So　we　wait　until　the　　height　of　the　winter　season；　when　everybody　is　engaged　two　　weeks　in　advance；　then　send　out　our　invitations　at　rather　　short　notice　for　two　or　three　consecutive　dinners。　　You'd　be　　surprised；〃　he　remarked；　with　a　beaming　smile；　〃what　a　number　　refuse；　last　winter　we　cancelled　all　our　obligations　with　two　　dinners；　the　flowers　and　entrees　being　as　fresh　on　the　second　　evening　as　the　first！　　It's　wonderful！〃　he　remarked　in　　conclusion；　〃how　simple　entertaining　becomes　when　one　knows　　how！〃　　Which　reminded　me　of　an　ingenious　youth　I　once　heard　　telling　some　friends　how　easy　he　had　found　it　to　write　the　　book　he　had　just　published。　　After　his　departure　we　agreed　　that　if　he　found　it　so　easy　it　would　not　be　worth　our　while　to　　read　his　volume。

Tender…hearted　people　generally　make　bad　hosts。　　They　have　a　　way　of　collecting　the　morally　lame；　halt；　and　blind　into　their　　drawing…rooms　that　gives　those　apartments　the　air　of　a　　convalescent　home。　　The　moment　a　couple　have　placed　themselves　　beyond　the　social　pale；　these　purblind　hosts　conceive　an　　affection　for　and　lavish　hospitality　upon　them。　　If　such　a　　host　has　been　fortunate　enough　to　get　together　a　circle　of　　healthy　people；　you　may　feel　confident　that　at　the　last　moment　　a　leper　will　be　introduced。　　This　class　of　entertainers　fail　　to　see　that　society　cannot　he　run　on　a　philanthropic　basis；　　and　so　insist　on　turning　their　salons　into　hospitals。

It　would　take　too　long　to　enumerate　the　thousand　　idiosyncrasies　of　the　color…blind；　few；　however；　are　more　　amusing　than　those　of　the　impulsive　gentlemen　who　invite　　people　to　their　homes　indiscriminately；　because　they　happen　to　　feel　in　a　good　humor　or　chance　to　be　seated　next　them　at　　another　house；　…　invitations　which　the　host　regrets　half　an　　hour　later；　and　would　willingly　recall。　　〃I　can't　think　why　I　　asked　the　So…and…sos！〃　he　will　confide　to　you。　　〃　I　can't　　abide　them；　they　are　as　dull　as　the　dropsy！〃　　Many　years　ago　　in　Paris；　we　used　to　call　a　certain　hospitable　lady's　　invitations　〃soup　tickets；〃　so　little　individuality　did　they　　possess。

The　subtle　laws　of　moral　precedence　are　difficult　reading　for　　the　most　intelligent；　and　therefore　remain　sealed　books　to　the　　afflicted　mortals　mentioned　here。　　The　delicate　tact　that；　　with　no　apparent　effort；　combines　congenial　elements　into　a　　delightful　whole　is　lacking　in　their　composition。　　The　nice　　discrimination　that　presides　over　some　households　is　replaced　　by　a　jovial　indifference　to　other　persons'　feelings　and　　prejudices。

The　idea　of　placing　pretty　Miss　Debutante　next　young　　Strongboys　instead　of　giving　her　over　into　the　clutches　of　old　　Mr。　Boremore　will　never　enter　these　obtuse　entertainers'　　heads；　any　more　than　that　of　trying　to　keep　poor；　defenceless　　Mrs。　Mouse　out　of　young　Tom　Cat's　claws。

It　is　useless　to　enumerate　instances；　people　have　suffered　too　　severely　at　the　hands　of　careless　and　incompetent　hosts　not　to　　know　pretty　well　what　the　title　of　this　paper　means。　　So　many　　of　us　have　come　away　from　fruitless　evenings；　grinding　our　　teeth；　and　vowing　never　to　enter　those　doors　again　while　life　　lasts；　that　the　time　seems　ripe　for　a　protest。

If　the　color…blind　would　only　refrain　from　painting；　and　the　　tone…deaf　not　insist　on　inviting　one　to　their　concerts；　the　　world　would　be　a　much　more　agreeable　place。　　If　people　would　　only　learn　what　they　can　and　what　they　can't　do；　and　leave　the　　latter　feats　alone；　a　vast　amount　of　unnecessary　annoyance　　would　be　avoided　and　the　tiresome　old　grindstone　turn　to　a　　more　cheerful　tune。




Chapter　8　…　Idling　in　Mid…Ocean


TO　those　fortunate　mortals　from　whom　Poseidon　exacts　no　　tribute　in　crossing　his　broad　domain；　a　transatlantic　voyage　　must　afford　each　year　an　ever　new　delight。　　The　cares　and　　worries　of　existence　fade　away　and　disappear　in　company　with　　the　land；　in　the　deep　bosom　of　the　ocean　buried。　　One　no　　longer　feels　like　the　bored　mortal　who　has　all　winter　turned　　the　millstone　of　work　and　pleasure；　but　seems　to　have　　transmigrated　into　a　new　body；　endowed　with　a　ravenous　　appetite　and　perfectly　fresh　sensations。

Perhaps　it　is　only　the　novelty　of　the　surroundings；　but　as　I　　lie　somnolent　in　my　chair；　tucked　into　a　corner　of　the　white　　deck；　watching　the　jade…colored　water　rush　past　below；　and　the　　sea…gulls　circle　gayly　overhead；　the　SUMMUM　BONUM　of　earthly　　contentment　seems　attained。　　The　book　chosen　with　care　remains　　uncut；　the　sense　of　physical　and　mental　rest　is　too　exquisite　　to　be　broken　by　any　effort；　even　the　reading　of　a　favorite　　author。

Drowsy　lapses　into　unconsciousness　obscure　the　senses；　like　　the　transparent　clouds　that　from　time　to　time　dim　the　　sunlight。　　A　distant　bell　in　the　wheel…house　chimes　the　lazy　　half…hours。　　Groups　of　people　come　and　go　like　figures　on　a　　lantern…slide。　　A　curiously　detached　reeling　makes　the　scene　　and　the　actors　in　it　as　unreal　as　a　painted　ship　manned　by　a　　shadowy　crew。　　The　inevitable　child　tumbles　on　its　face　and　is　　picked　up　shrieking　by　tender　parents；　energetic　youths　　organize　games　of　skill　or　discover　whales　on　the　horizon；　　without　disturbing　one's　philosophic　calm。

I　congratulate　myself　on　having　chosen　a　foreign　line。　　For　a　　week　at　least　no　familiar　name　will　be　spoken；　no　accustomed　　face　appear。　　The　galling　harness　of　routine　is　loosened；　one　　breathes　freely　again　conscious　of　the　unoccupied　hours　in　　perspective。

The　welcome　summons　to　luncheon　comes　as　a　pleasant　shock。　　Is　　it　possible　that　the　morning　has　passed？　　It　seems　to　have　but　　commenced。　　I　rouse　myself　and　descend　to　the　cabin。　　Toward　　the　end　of　the　meal　a　rubicund　Frenchman　opposite　makes　the　　startling　proposition　that　if　I　wish　to　send　a　message　home　he　　will　undertake　to　have　it　delivered。　　It　is　not　until　I　notice　　the　little　square　of　oiled　paper　he　is　holding　out　to　me　that　　I　understand　thi