the way of all flesh-第53部分

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before　I　had　given　her　five　shillings　and　made　her　write　down　my
address；　for　I　was　a　little　frightened　by　what　she　said。　　I　told　her
if　she　thought　her　lodger　grew　worse；　she　was　to　come　and　let　me
know。

Weeks　went　by　and　I　did　not　see　her　again。　　Having　done　as　much　as　I
had；　I　felt　absolved　from　doing　more；　and　let　Ernest　alone　as
thinking　that　he　and　I　should　only　bore　one　another。

He　had　now　been　ordained　a　little　over　four　months；　but　these　months
had　not　brought　happiness　or　satisfaction　with　them。　　He　had　lived
in　a　clergyman's　house　all　his　life；　and　might　have　been　expected
perhaps　to　have　known　pretty　much　what　being　a　clergyman　was　like；
and　so　he　dida　country　clergyman；　he　had　formed　an　ideal；　however；
as　regards　what　a　town　clergyman　could　do；　and　was　trying　in　a
feeble　tentative　way　to　realise　it；　but　somehow　or　other　it　always
managed　to　escape　him。

He　lived　among　the　poor；　but　he　did　not　find　that　he　got　to　know
them。　　The　idea　that　they　would　come　to　him　proved　to　be　a　mistaken
one。　　He　did　indeed　visit　a　few　tame　pets　whom　his　rector　desired
him　to　look　after。　　There　was　an　old　man　and　his　wife　who　lived　next
door　but　one　to　Ernest　himself；　then　there　was　a　plumber　of　the　name
of　Chesterfield；　an　aged　lady　of　the　name　of　Gover；　blind　and　bed…
ridden；　who　munched　and　munched　her　feeble　old　toothless　jaws　as
Ernest　spoke　or　read　to　her；　but　who　could　do　little　more；　a　Mr
Brookes；　a　rag　and　bottle　merchant　in　Birdsey's　Rents　in　the　last
stage　of　dropsy；　and　perhaps　half　a　dozen　or　so　others。　　What　did　it
all　come　to；　when　he　did　go　to　see　them？　　The　plumber　wanted　to　be
flattered；　and　liked　fooling　a　gentleman　into　wasting　his　time　by
scratching　his　ears　for　him。　　Mrs　Gover；　poor　old　woman；　wanted
money；　she　was　very　good　and　meek；　and　when　Ernest　got　her　a
shilling　from　Lady　Anne　Jones's　bequest；　she　said　it　was　〃small　but
seasonable；〃　and　munched　and　munched　in　gratitude。　　Ernest　sometimes
gave　her　a　little　money　himself；　but　not；　as　he　says　now；　half　what
he　ought　to　have　given。

What　could　he　do　else　that　would　have　been　of　the　smallest　use　to
her？　　Nothing　indeed；　but　giving　occasional　half…crowns　to　Mrs　Gover
was　not　regenerating　the　universe；　and　Ernest　wanted　nothing　short
of　this。　　The　world　was　all　out　of　joint；　and　instead　of　feeling　it
to　be　a　cursed　spite　that　he　was　born　to　set　it　right；　he　thought　he
was　just　the　kind　of　person　that　was　wanted　for　the　job；　and　was
eager　to　set　to　work；　only　he　did　not　exactly　know　how　to　begin；　for
the　beginning　he　had　made　with　Mr　Chesterfield　and　Mrs　Gover　did　not
promise　great　developments。

Then　poor　Mr　Brookeshe　suffered　very　much；　terribly　indeed；　he　was
not　in　want　of　money；　he　wanted　to　die　and　couldn't；　just　as　we
sometimes　want　to　go　to　sleep　and　cannot。　　He　had　been　a　serious…
minded　man；　and　death　frightened　him　as　it　must　frighten　anyone　who
believes　that　all　his　most　secret　thoughts　will　be　shortly　exposed
in　public。　　When　I　read　Ernest　the　description　of　how　his　father
used　to　visit　Mrs　Thompson　at　Battersby；　he　coloured　and　said
〃that's　just　what　I　used　to　say　to　Mr　Brookes。〃　　Ernest　felt　that
his　visits；　so　far　from　comforting　Mr　Brookes；　made　him　fear　death
more　and　more；　but　how　could　he　help　it？

Even　Pryer；　who　had　been　curate　a　couple　of　years；　did　not　know
personally　more　than　a　couple　of　hundred　people　in　the　parish　at　the
outside；　and　it　was　only　at　the　houses　of　very　few　of　these　that　he
ever　visited；　but　then　Pryer　had　such　a　strong　objection　on
principle　to　house　visitations。　　What　a　drop　in　the　sea　were　those
with　whom　he　and　Pryer　were　brought　into　direct　communication　in
comparison　with　those　whom　he　must　reach　and　move　if　he　were　to
produce　much　effect　of　any　kind；　one　way　or　the　other。　　Why　there
were　between　fifteen　and　twenty　thousand　poor　in　the　parish；　of　whom
but　the　merest　fraction　ever　attended　a　place　of　worship。　　Some　few
went　to　dissenting　chapels；　a　few　were　Roman　Catholics；　by　far　the
greater　number；　however；　were　practically　infidels；　if　not　actively
hostile；　at　any　rate　indifferent　to　religion；　while　many　were　avowed
Atheistsadmirers　of　Tom　Paine；　of　whom　he　now　heard　for　the　first
time；　but　he　never　met　and　conversed　with　any　of　these。

Was　he　really　doing　everything　that　could　be　expected　of　him？　　It
was　all　very　well　to　say　that　he　was　doing　as　much　as　other　young
clergymen　did；　that　was　not　the　kind　of　answer　which　Jesus　Christ
was　likely　to　accept；　why；　the　Pharisees　themselves　in　all
probability　did　as　much　as　the　other　Pharisees　did。　　What　he　should
do　was　to　go　into　the　highways　and　byways；　and　compel　people　to　come
in。　　Was　he　doing　this？　　　Or　were　not　they　rather　compelling　him　to
keep　outoutside　their　doors　at　any　rate？　　He　began　to　have　an
uneasy　feeling　as　though　ere　long；　unless　he　kept　a　sharp　look　out；
he　should　drift　into　being　a　sham。

True；　all　would　be　changed　as　soon　as　he　could　endow　the　College　for
Spiritual　Pathology；　matters；　however；　had　not　gone　too　well　with
〃the　things　that　people　bought　in　the　place　that　was　called　the
Stock　Exchange。〃　　In　order　to　get　on　faster；　it　had　been　arranged
that　Ernest　should　buy　more　of　these　things　than　he　could　pay　for；
with　the　idea　that　in　a　few　weeks；　or　even　days；　they　would　be　much
higher　in　value；　and　he　could　sell　them　at　a　tremendous　profit；　but；
unfortunately；　instead　of　getting　higher；　they　had　fallen
immediately　after　Ernest　had　bought；　and　obstinately　refused　to　get
up　again；　so；　after　a　few　settlements；　he　had　got　frightened；　for　he
read　an　article　in　some　newspaper；　which　said　they　would　go　ever　so
much　lower；　and；　contrary　to　Pryer's　advice；　he　insisted　on　selling…
…at　a　loss　of　something　like　500　pounds。　　He　had　hardly　sold　when　up
went　the　shares　again；　and　he　saw　how　foolish　he　had　been；　and　how
wise　Pryer　was；　for　if　Pryer's　advice　had　been　followed；　he　would
have　made　500　pounds；　instead　of　losing　it。　　However；　he　told
himself　he　must　live　and　learn。

Then　Pryer　made　a　mistake。　　They　had　bought　some　shares；　and　the
shares　went　up　delightfully　for　about　a　fortnight。　　This　was　a　happy
time　indeed；　for　by　the　end　of　a　fortnight；　the　lost　500　pounds　had
been　recovered；　and　three　or　four　hundred　pounds　had　been　cleared
into　the　bargain。　　All　the　feverish　anxiety　of　that　miserable　six
weeks；　when　the　500　pounds　was　being　lost；　was　now　being　repaid　with
interest。　　Ernest　wanted　to　sell　and　make　sure　of　the　profit；　but
Pryer　would　not　hear　of　it；　they　would　go　ever　so　much　higher　yet；
and　he　showed　Ernest　an　article　in　some　newspaper　which　proved　that
what　he　said　was　reasonable；　and　they　did　go　up　a　littlebut　only　a
very　little；　for　then　they　went　down；　down；　and　Ernest　saw　first　his
clear　profit　of　three　or　four　hundred　pounds　go；　and　then　the　500
pounds　loss；　which　he　thought　he　had　recovered；　slipped　away　by
falls　of　a　half　and　one　at　a　time；　and　then　he　lost　200　pounds　more。
Then　a　newspaper　said　that　these　shares　were　the　greatest　rubbish
that　had　ever　been　imposed　upon　the　English　public；　and　Ernest　could
stand　it　no　longer；　so　he　sold　out；　again　this　time　against　Pryer's
advice；　so　that　when　they　went　up；　as　they　shortly　did；　Pryer　scored
off　Ernest　a　second　time。

Ernest　was　not　used　to　vicissitudes　of　this　kind；　and　they　made　him
so　anxious　that　his　health　was　affected。　　It　was　arranged　therefore
that　he　had　better　know　nothing　of　what　was　being　done。　　Pryer　was　a
much　better　man　of　business　than　he　was；　and　would　see　to　it　all。
This　relieved　Ernest　of　a　good　deal　of　trouble；　and　was　better　after
all　for　the　investments　themselves；　for；　as　Pryer　justly　said；　a　man
must　not　have　a　faint　heart　if　he　hopes　to　succeed　in　buying　and
selling　upon　the　Stock　Exchange；　and　seeing　Ernest　nervous　made
Pryer　nervous　tooat　least；　he　said　it　did。　　So　the　money　drifted
more　and　more　into　Pryer's　hands。　　As　for　Pryer　himself；　he　had
nothing　but　his　curacy　and　a　small　allowance　from　his　father。

Some　of　Ernest's　old　friends　got　an　inkling　from　his　letters　of　what
he　was　doing；　and　did　their　utmost　to　dissuade　him；　but　he　was　as
infatuated　as　a　young　lover　of　two　and　twenty。　　Finding　that　these
friends　disapproved；　he　dropped　away　from　them；　and　they；　being
bored　with　his　egotism　and　high…flown　ideas；　were　not　sorry　to　let
him　do　so。　　Of　course；　he　said　nothing　about　his　speculations
indeed；　he　hardly　knew　that　anything　done　in　so　good　a　cause　could
be　called　speculation。　　At　Battersby；　when　his　father　urged　him　to
look　out　for　a　next　presentation；　and　even　brought　one　or　two
promising　ones　under　his　notice；　he　made　objections　and　excuses；
though　always　promising　to　do　as　his　father　desired　very　shortly。



CHAPTER　LVI



By　and　by　a　subtle；　indefinable　malaise　began　to　take　possession　of
him。　　I　once　saw　a　very　young　foal　trying　to　eat　some　most
objectionable　refuse；　and　unable　to　make　up　its　mind　whether　it　was
good　or　no。　　Clearly　it　wanted　to　be　told。　　If　its　mother　had　seen
what　it　was　doing　she　would　have　set　it　right　in　a　moment；　and　as
soon　as　ever　it　had　been　told　that　what　it　was　eating　was　filth；　the
foal　would　have　recognised　it　and　never　have　wanted　to　be　told
again；　but　the　foal　could　not　settle　the　matter　for　itself；　or　make
up　its　mind　whether　it　liked　what　it　was　trying　to　eat　or　no；
without　assistance　from　without。　　I　suppose　it　would　have　come　to　do
so　by　and　by；　but　it　was　wasting　time　and　trouble；　which　a　single
look　from　its　mother　would　have　saved；　just　as　wort　will　in　time
ferment　of　itself；　but　will　ferment　much　more　quickly　if　a　little
yeast　be　added　to　it。　　In　the　matter　of　knowing　what　gives　us
pleasure　we　are　all　like　wort；　and　if　unaided　from　without　can　only
ferment　slowly　and　toilsomely。

My　unhappy　hero　about　this　time　was　very　much　like　the　foal；　or
rather　he　felt　much　what　the　foal　would　have　felt　if　its　mother　and
all　the　other　grown…up　horses　in　the　field　had　vowed　that　what　it
was　eating　was　the　most　excellent　and　nutritious　food　to　be　found
anywhere。　　He　was　so　anxious　to　do　what　was　right；　and　so　ready　to
believe　that　every　one　knew　better　than　himself；　that　he　never
ventured　to　admit　to　himself　that　he　might　be　all　the　while　on　a
hopelessly　wrong　tack。