the little white bird-第12部分

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that　she　had　ceased　to　love　me；　I　had　won　her　love；　but　I　could

not　keep　it。　　The　discovery　came　to　me　slowly；　as　if　I　were　a

most　dull…witted　man；　at　first　I　knew　only　that　I　no　longer

understood　her　as　of　old。　　I　found　myself　wondering　what　she　had

meant　by　this　and　that；　I　did　not　see　that　when　she　began　to

puzzle　me　she　was　already　lost　to　me。　　It　was　as　if；　unknowing；　I

had　strayed　outside　the　magic　circle。



When　I　did　understand　I　tried　to　cheat　myself　into　the　belief

that　there　was　no　change；　and　the　dear　heart　bleeding　for　me

assisted　in　that　poor　pretence。　　She　sought　to　glide　to　me　with

swimming　eyes　as　before；　but　it　showed　only　that　this　caressing

movement　was　still　within　her　compass；　but　never　again　for　me。　

With　the　hands　she　had　pressed　to　her　breast　she　touched　mine；

but　no　longer　could　they　convey　the　message。　　The　current　was

broken；　and　soon　we　had　to　desist　miserably　from　our　pretences。　

She　could　tell　no　more　than　I　why　she　had　ceased　to　love　me；　she

was　scarcely　less　anxious　than　I　that　I　should　make　her　love　me

again；　and；　as　I　have　said；　she　waited　with　a　wonderful　tolerance

while　I　strove　futilely　to　discover　in　what　I　was　lacking　and　to

remedy　it。　　And　when；　at　last；　she　had　to　leave　me；　it　was　with

compassionate　cries　and　little　backward　flights。



The　failure　was　mine　alone；　but　I　think　I　should　not　have　been　so

altered　by　it　had　I　known　what　was　the　defect　in　me　through　which

I　let　her　love　escape。　　This　puzzle　has　done　me　more　harm　than

the　loss　of　her。　　Nevertheless；　you　must　know　（if　I　am　to　speak

honestly　to　you）　that　I　do　not　repent　me　those　dallyings　in

enchanted　fields。　　It　may　not　have　been　so　always；　for　I　remember

a　black　night　when　a　poor　lieutenant　lay　down　in　an　oarless　boat

and　let　it　drift　toward　the　weir。　　But　his　distant　moans　do　not

greatly　pain　me　now；　rather　am　I　elated　to　find　（as　the　waters

bring　him　nearer）　that　this　boy　is　I；　for　it　is　something　to　know

that；　once　upon　a　time；　a　woman　could　draw　blood　from　me　as　from

another。



I　saw　her　again；　years　afterward；　when　she　was　a　married　woman

playing　with　her　children。　　She　stamped　her　foot　at　a　naughty

one；　and　I　saw　the　gleam　of　her　teeth　as　she　gnashed　them　in　the

dear　pretty　way　I　can't　forget；　and　then　a　boy　and　girl；　fighting

for　her　shoulders；　brought　the　whole　group　joyously　to　the

ground。　She　picked　herself　up　in　the　old　leisurely　manner；　lazily

active；　and　looked　around　her　benignantly；　like　a　cow：　our　dear

wild　one　safely　tethered　at　last　with　a　rope　of　children。　　I

meant　to　make　her　my　devoirs；　but；　as　I　stepped　forward；　the　old

wound　broke　out　afresh；　and　I　had　to　turn　away。　　They　were　but　a

few　poor　drops；　which　fell　because　I　found　that　she　was　even　a

little　sweeter　than　I　had　thought。





X



Sporting　Reflections



I　have　now　told　you　（I　presume）　how　I　became　whimsical；　and　I

fear　it　would　please　Mary　not　at　all。　　But　speaking　of　her；　and；

as　the　cat's　light　keeps　me　in　a　ruminating　mood；　suppose；

instead　of　returning　Mary　to　her　lover　by　means　of　the　letter；　I

had　presented　a　certain　clubman　to　her　consideration？　　Certainly

no　such　whimsical　idea　crossed　my　mind　when　I　dropped　the　letter；

but　between　you　and　me　and　my　night…socks；　which　have　all　this

time　been　airing　by　the　fire　because　I　am　subject　to　cold　feet；　I

have　sometimes　toyed　with　it　since。



Why　did　I　not　think　of　this　in　time？　　Was　it　because　I　must　ever

remain　true　to　the　unattainable　she？



I　am　reminded　of　a　passage　in　the　life　of　a　sweet　lady；　a　friend

of　mine；　whose　daughter　was　on　the　eve　of　marriage；　when　suddenly

her　lover　died。　　It　then　became　pitiful　to　watch　that　trembling

old　face　trying　to　point　the　way　of　courage　to　the　young　one。　　In

time；　however；　there　came　another　youth；　as　true；　I　dare　say；　as

the　first；　but　not　so　well　known　to　me；　and　I　shrugged　my

shoulders　cynically　to　see　my　old　friend　once　more　a　matchmaker。

She　took　him　to　her　heart　and　boasted　of　him；　like　one　made　young

herself　by　the　great　event；　she　joyously　dressed　her　pale

daughter　in　her　bridal　gown；　and；　with　smiles　upon　her　face；　she

cast　rice　after　the　departing　carriage。　　But　soon　after　it　had

gone；　I　chanced　upon　her　in　her　room；　and　she　was　on　her　knees　in

tears　before　the　spirit　of　the　dead　lover。　　〃Forgive　me；〃　she

besought　him；　〃for　I　am　old；　and　life　is　gray　to　friendless

girls。〃　　The　pardon　she　wanted　was　for　pretending　to　her　daughter

that　women　should　act　thus。



I　am　sure　she　felt　herself　soiled。



But　men　are　of　a　coarser　clay。　　At　least　I　am；　and　nearly　twenty

years　had　elapsed；　and　here　was　I　burdened　under　a　load　of

affection；　like　a　sack　of　returned　love…letters；　with　no　lap　into

which　to　dump　them。



〃They　were　all　written　to　another　woman；　ma'am；　and　yet　I　am　in

hopes　that　you　will　find　something　in　them　about　yourself。〃　　It

would　have　sounded　oddly　to　Mary；　but　life　is　gray　to　friendless

girls；　and　something　might　have　come　of　it。



On　the　other　hand；　it　would　have　brought　her　for　ever　out　of　the

wood　of　the　little　hut；　and　I　had　but　to　drop　the　letter　to　send

them　both　back　there。　　The　easiness　of　it　tempted　me。



Besides；　she　would　tire　of　me　when　I　was　really　known　to　her。

They　all　do；　you　see。



And；　after　all；　why　should　he　lose　his　laugh　because　I　had　lost

my　smile？



And　then；　again；　the　whole　thing　was　merely　a　whimsical　idea。



I　dropped　the　letter；　and　shouldered　my　burden。





XI



The　Runaway　Perambulator



I　sometimes　met　David　in　public　places　such　as　the　Kensington

Gardens；　where　he　lorded　it　surrounded　by　his　suite　and　wearing

the　blank　face　and　glass　eyes　of　all　carriage…people。　　On　these

occasions　I　always　stalked　by；　meditating　on　higher　things；

though　Mary　seemed　to　think　me　very　hardhearted；　and　Irene；　who

had　become　his　nurse　（I　forget　how；　but　fear　I　had　something　to

do　with　it）；　ran　after　me　with　messages；　as；　would　I　not　call　and

see　him　in　his　home　at　twelve　o'clock；　at　which　moment；　it

seemed；　he　was　at　his　best。



No；　I　would　not。



〃He　says　tick…tack　to　the　clock；〃　Irene　said；　trying　to　snare　me。



〃Pooh！〃　said　I。



〃Other　little　'uns　jest　says　'tick…tick；'〃　she　told　me；　with　a

flush　of　pride。



〃I　prefer　'tick…tick；'〃　I　said；　whereat　she　departed　in　dudgeon。



Had　they　had　the　sense　to　wheel　him　behind　a　tree　and　leave　him；

I　would　have　looked；　but　as　they　lacked　it；　I　decided　to　wait

until　he　could　walk；　when　it　would　be　more　easy　to　waylay　him。

However；　he　was　a　cautious　little　gorbal　who；　after　many　threats

to　rise；　always　seemed　to　come　to　the　conclusion　that　he　might　do

worse　than　remain　where　he　was；　and　when　he　had　completed　his

first　year　I　lost　patience　with　him。



〃When　I　was　his　age；〃　I　said　to　Irene；　〃I　was　running　about。〃　　I

consulted　them　casually　about　this　matter　at　the　club；　and　they

had　all　been　running　about　at　a　year　old。



I　made　this　nurse　the　following　offer：　If　she　would　bring　the

dilatory　boy　to　my　rooms　and　leave　him　there　for　half　an　hour　I

would　look　at　him。　　At　first　Mary；　to　whom　the　offer　was　passed

on；　rejected　it　with　hauteur；　but　presently　she　wavered；　and　the

upshot　was　that　Irene；　looking　scornful　and　anxious；　arrived　one

day　with　the　perambulator。　　Without　casting　eyes　on　its　occupant；

I　pointed　Irene　to　the　door：　〃In　half…an…hour；〃　I　said。



She　begged　permission　to　remain；　and　promised　to　turn　her　back；

and　so　on；　but　I　was　obdurate；　and　she　then　delivered　herself　of

a　passionately　affectionate　farewell　to　her　charge；　which　was

really　all　directed　against　me；　and　ended　with　these　powerful

words：　〃And　if　he　takes　off　your　socks；　my　pretty；　may　he　be

blasted　for　evermore。〃



〃I　shall　probably　take　off　her　socks；〃　I　said　carelessly　to　this。



Her　socks。　　Do　you　see　what　made　Irene　scream？



〃It　is　a　girl；　is　it　not？〃　I　asked；　thus　neatly　depriving　her　of

coherent　speech　as　I　pushed　her　to　the　door。　　I　then　turned　round

toto　begin；　and；　after　reflecting；　I　began　by　sitting　down

behind　the　hood　of　his　carriage。　　My　plan　was　to　accustom　him　to

his　new　surroundings　before　bursting　on　the　scene　myself。



I　had　various　thoughts。　　Was　he　awake？　　If　not；　better　let　him

wake　naturally。　　Half…an…hour　was　a　long　time。　　Why　had　I　not

said　quarter…of…an…hour？　　Anon；　I　saw　that　if　I　was　to　sit　there

much　longer　I　should　have　said　an　hour；　so　I　whistled　softly；　but

he　took　no　notice。　　I　remember　trying　to　persuade　myself　that　if

I　never　budged　till　Irene's　return；　it　would　be　an　amusing

triumph　over　Mary。　　I　coughed；　but　still　there　was　no　response。　

Abruptly；　the　fear　smote　me。　　Perhaps　he　is　not　there。



I　rose　hastily；　and　was　striding　forward；　when　I　distinctly

noticed　a　covert　movement　somewhere　near　the　middle　of　the

carriage；　and　heard　a　low　gurgle；　which　was　instantly　suppressed。

I　stopped　dead　at　this　sharp　reminder　that　I　was　probably　not　the

only　curious　person　in　the　room；　and　for　a　long　moment　we　both

lay　low；　after　which；　I　am　glad　to　remember；　I　made　the　first

advance。　Earlier　in　the　day　I　had　arranged　some　likely　articles

on　a　side…　table：　my　watch　and　chain；　my　bunch　of　keys；　and　two

war…medals　for　plodding　merit；　and　with　a　glance　at　these　（as

something　to　fall　back　upon）；　I　stepped　forward　doggedly；　looking

（I　fear　now）　a　little　like　a　professor　of　legerdemain。　　David　was

sitting　up；　and　he　immediately　fixed　his　eyes　on　me。



It　would　ill　become　me　to　attempt　to　describe　this　dear　boy　to

you；　for　of　course　I　know　really　nothing　about　children；　so　I

shall　say　only　this；　that　I　thought　him　very　like　what　Timothy

would　have　been　had　he　ever　had　a　chance。



I　to　whom　David　had　been　brought　for　judgment；　now　found　myself

being　judged　by　him；　and　this　rearrangement　of　the　pieces　seemed

so　natural　that　I　felt　no　surprise；　I　felt　only　a　humble　craving

to　hear　him　signify　that　I　would　do。　　I　have　stood　up　before

other　keen　judges　and