a confession(忏悔录)-第11部分

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three；　or　tens；　but　hundreds；　thousands；　and　millions。　　and　they

all　　endlessly　different　in　their　manners；　minds；　education；　and

position；　as　they　were　　all　alike；　in　complete　contrast　to　my

ignorance；　knew　the　meaning　of　life　and　death；　laboured　quietly；

endured　deprivations　and　sufferings；　and　lived　and　died　seeing

therein　not　vanity　but　good。

　　　　　And　I　learnt　to　love　these　people。　　The　more　I　came　to　know

their　life；　the　life　of　those　who　are　living　and　of　others　who　are

dead　of　whom　I　read　and　heard；　the　more　I　loved　them　and　the　easier

it　became　for　me　to　live。　　So　I　went　on　for　about　two　years；　and　a

change　took　place　in　me　which　had　long　been　preparing　and　the

promise　of　which　had　always　been　in　me。　　It　came　about　that　the

life　of　our　circle；　the　rich　and　learned；　not　merely　became

distasteful　to　me；　but　lost　all　meaning　in　my　eyes。　　All　our

actions；　discussions；　science　and　art；　presented　itself　to　me　in　a

new　light。　　I　understood　that　it　is　all　merely　self…indulgence；　and

the　to　find　a　meaning　in　it　is　impossible；　while　the　life　of　the

whole　labouring　people；　the　whole　of　mankind　who　produce　life；

appeared　to　me　in　its　true　significance。　　I　understood　that　*that*

is　life　itself；　and　that　the　meaning　given　to　that　life　is　true：

and　I　accepted　it。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　XI



　　　　　And　remembering　how　those　very　beliefs　had　repelled　me　and　had

seemed　meaningless　when　professed　by　people　whose　lives　conflicted

with　them；　and　how　these　same　beliefs　attracted　me　and　seemed

reasonable　when　I　saw　that　people　lived　in　accord　with　them；　I

understood　why　I　had　then　rejected　those　beliefs　and　found　them

meaningless；　yet　now　accepted　them　and　found　them　full　of　meaning。　

I　understood　that　I　had　erred；　and　why　I　erred。　　I　had　erred　not　so

much　because　I　thought　incorrectly　as　because　I　lived　badly。　　I

understood　that　it　was　not　an　error　in　my　thought　that　had　hid

truth　from　me　as　much　as　my　life　itself　in　the　exceptional

conditions　of　epicurean　gratification　of　desires　in　which　I　passed

it。　　I　understood　that　my　question　as　to　what　my　life　is；　and　the

answer　　and　evil　　was　quite　correct。　　The　only　mistake　was　that

the　answer　referred　only　to　my　life；　while　I　had　referred　it　to

life　in　general。　　I　asked　myself　what　my　life　is；　and　got　the

reply：　An　evil　and　an　absurdity。　　and　really　my　life　　a　life　of

indulgence　of　desires　　was　senseless　and　evil；　and　therefore　the

reply；　〃Life　is　evil　and　an　absurdity〃；　referred　only　to　my　life；

but　not　to　human　life　in　general。　　I　understood　the　truth　which　I

afterwards　found　in　the　Gospels；　〃that　men　loved　darkness　rather

than　the　light；　for　their　works　were　evil。　　For　everyone　that　doeth

ill　hateth　the　light；　and　cometh　not　to　the　light；　lest　his　works

should　be　reproved。〃　　I　perceived　that　to　understand　the　meaning　of

life　it　is　necessary　first　that　life　should　not　be　meaningless　and

evil；　then　we　can　apply　reason　to　explain　it。　　I　understood　why　I

had　so　long　wandered　round　so　evident　a　truth；　and　that　if　one　is

to　think　and　speak　of　the　life　of　mankind；　one　must　think　and　speak

of　that　life　and　not　of　the　life　of　some　of　life's　parasites。　　That

truth　was　always　as　true　as　that　two　and　two　are　four；　but　I　had

not　acknowledged　it；　because　on　admitting　two　and　two　to　be　four　I

had　also　to　admit　that　I　was　bad；　and　to　feel　myself　to　be　good　was

for　me　more　important　and　necessary　than　for　two　and　two　to　be

four。　　I　came　to　love　good　people；　hated　myself；　and　confessed　the

truth。　　Now　all　became　clear　to　me。

　　　　　What　if　an　executioner　passing　his　whole　life　in　torturing

people　and　cutting　off　their　heads；　or　a　hopeless　drunkard；　or　a

madman　settled　for　life　in　a　dark　room　which　he　has　fouled　and

imagines　that　he　would　perish　if　he　left　　what　if　he　asked

himself：　〃What　is　life？〃　　Evidently　he　could　not　other　reply　to

that　question　than　that　life　is　the　greatest　evil；　and　the　madman's

answer　would　be　perfectly　correct；　but　only　as　applied　to　himself。　

What　if　I　am　such　a　madman？　　What　if　all　we　rich　and　leisured

people　are　such　madmen？　and　I　understood　that　we　really　are　such

madmen。　　I　at　any　rate　was　certainly　such。

　　　　　And　indeed　a　bird　is　so　made　that　it　must　fly；　collect　food；

and　build　a　nest；　and　when　I　see　that　a　bird　does　this　I　have

pleasure　in　its　joy。　　A　goat；　a　hare；　and　a　wolf　are　so　made　that

they　must　feed　themselves；　and　must　breed　and　feed　their　family；

and　when　they　do　so　I　feel　firmly　assured　that　they　are　happy　and

that　their　life　is　a　reasonable　one。　　then　what　should　a　man　do？　

He　too　should　produce　his　living　as　the　animals　do；　but　with　this

difference；　that　he　will　perish　if　he　does　it　alone；　he　must　obtain

it　not　for　himself　but　for　all。　　And　when　he　does　that；　I　have　a

firm　assurance　that　he　is　happy　and　that　his　life　is　reasonable。　

But　what　had　I　done　during　the　whole　thirty　years　of　my　responsible

life？　　Far　from　producing　sustenance　for　all；　I　did　not　even

produce　it　for　myself。　　I　lived　as　a　parasite；　and　on　asking

myself；　what　is　the　use　of　my　life？　I　got　the　reply：　〃No　use。〃　　If

the　meaning　of　human　life　lies　in　supporting　it；　how　could　I　　who

for　thirty　years　had　been　engaged　not　on　supporting　life　but　on

destroying　it　in　myself　and　in　others　　how　could　I　obtain　any

other　answer　than　that　my　life　was　senseless　and　an　evil？　。。。　It

was　both　senseless　and　evil。

　　　　　The　life　of　the　world　endures　by　someone's　will　　by　the　life

of　the　whole　world　and　by　our　lives　someone　fulfills　his　purpose。　

To　hope　to　understand　the　meaning　of　that　will　one　must　first

perform　it　by　doing　what　is　wanted　of　us。　　But　if　I　will　not　do

what　is　wanted　of　me；　I　shall　never　understand　what　is　wanted　of

me；　and　still　less　what　is　wanted　of　us　all　and　of　the　whole　world。

　　　　　If　a　naked；　hungry　beggar　has　been　taken　from　the　cross…roads；

brought　into　a　building　belonging　to　a　beautiful　establishment；

fed；　supplied　with　drink；　and　obliged　to　move　a　handle　up　and　down；

evidently；　before　discussing　why　he　was　taken；　why　he　should　move

the　handle；　and　whether　the　whole　establishment　is　reasonably

arranged　　the　begger　should　first　of　all　move　the　handle。　　If　he

moves　the　handle　he　will　understand　that　it　works　a　pump；　that　the

pump　draws　water　and　that　the　water　irrigates　the　garden　beds；　then

he　will　be　taken　from　the　pumping　station　to　another　place　where　he

will　gather　fruits　and　will　enter　into　the　joy　of　his　master；　and；

passing　from　lower　to　higher　work；　will　understand　more　and　more　of

the　arrangements　of　the　establishment；　and　taking　part　in　it　will

never　think　of　asking　why　he　is　there；　and　will　certainly　not

reproach　the　master。

　　　　　So　those　who　do　his　will；　the　simple；　unlearned　working　folk；

whom　we　regard　as　cattle；　do　not　reproach　the　master；　but　we；　the

wise；　eat　the　master's　food　but　do　not　do　what　the　master　wishes；

and　instead　of　doing　it　sit　in　a　circle　and　discuss：　〃Why　should

that　handle　be　moved？　　Isn't　it　stupid？〃　　So　we　have　decided。　　We

have　decided　that　the　master　is　stupid；　or　does　not　exist；　and　that

we　are　wise；　only　we　feel　that　we　are　quite　useless　and　that　we

must　somehow　do　away　with　ourselves。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　
　XII



　　　　　The　consciousness　of　the　error　in　reasonable　knowledge　helped

me　to　free　myself　from　the　temptation　of　idle　ratiocination。　　the

conviction　that　knowledge　of　truth　can　only　be　found　by　living　led

me　to　doubt　the　rightness　of　my　life；　but　I　was　saved　only　by　the

fact　that　I　was　able　to　tear　myself　from　my　exclusiveness　and　to

see　the　real　life　of　the　plain　working　people；　and　to　understand

that　it　alone　is　real　life。　　I　understood　that　if　I　wish　to

understand　life　and　its　meaning；　I　must　not　live　the　life　of　a

parasite；　but　must　live　a　real　life；　and　　taking　the　meaning

given　to　live　by　real　humanity　and　merging　myself　in　that　life　

verify　it。

　　　　　During　that　time　this　is　what　happened　to　me。　　During　that

whole　year；　when　I　was　asking　myself　almost　every　moment　whether　I

should　not　end　matters　with　a　noose　or　a　bullet　　all　that　time；

together　with　the　course　of　thought　and　observation　about　which　I

have　spoken；　my　heart　was　oppressed　with　a　painful　feeling；　which

I　can　only　describe　as　a　search　for　God。

　　　　　I　say　that　that　search　for　God　was　not　reasoning；　but　a

feeling；　because　that　search　proceeded　not　from　the　course　of　my

thoughts　　it　was　even　directly　contrary　to　them　　but　proceeded

from　the　heart。　It　was　a　feeling　of　fear；　orphanage；　isolation　in

a　strange　land；　and　a　hope　of　help　from　someone。

　　　　　Though　I　was　quite　convinced　of　the　impossibility　of　proving

the　existence　of　a　Deity　（Kant　had　shown；　and　I　quite　understood

him；　that　it　could　not　be　proved）；　I　yet　sought　for　god；　hoped　that

I　should　find　Him；　and　from　old　habit　addressed　prayers　to　that

which　I　sought　but　had　not　found。　　I　went　over　in　my　mind　the

arguments　of　Kant　and　Schopenhauer　showing　the　impossibility　of

proving　the　existence　of　a　God；　and　I　began　to　verify　those

arguments　and　to　refute　them。　　Cause；　said　I　to　myself；　is　not　a

category　of　thought　such　as　are　Time　and　Space。　　If　I　exist；　there

must　be　some　cause　for　it；　and　a　cause　of　causes。　　And　that　first

cause　of　all　is　what　men　have　called　〃God〃。　　And　I　paused　on　that

thought；　and　tried　with　all　my　being　to　recognize　the　presence　of

that　cause。　　And　as　soon　as　I　acknowledged　that　there　is　a　force　in

whose　power　I　am；　I　at　once　felt　that　I　could　live。　　But　I　asked

myself：　What　is　that　cause；　that　force？　　How　am　I　to　think　of　it？　

What　are　my　relations　to　that　which　I　call　〃God〃？　　And　only　the

familiar　replies　occurred　to　me：　　〃He　is　the　Creator　and

Preserver。〃　　This　reply　did　not　satisfy　me；　and　I　felt　I　was　losing

within　me　what　I　needed　for　my　life。　　I　became　terrified　and　began

to　pray　to　Him　whom　I　sought；　that　He　should　help　me。　　But　the　more

I　prayed　the　more　apparent　it　became　to　me　that　He　did　not　hear　me；

and　that