the story of an african farm-第43部分

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delicately　pencilled；　drooping　eyelids。　　One　white　hand　plays　thoughtfully

with　a　heavy　flaxen　moustache；　yet；　once　he　starts；　and　for　an　instant　the

languid　lids　raise　themselves；　there　is　a　keen；　intent　look　upon　the　face

as　he　listens　for　something。　　Then　he　leans　back　in　his　chair；　fills　his

glass　from　the　silver　flask　in　his　bag；　and　resumes　his　old　posture。



Presently　the　door　opens　noiselessly。　　It　is　Lyndall；　followed　by　Doss。　

Quietly　as　she　enters；　he　hears　her；　and　turns。



〃I　thought　you　were　not　coming。〃



〃I　waited　till　all　had　gone　to　bed。　　I　could　not　come　before。〃



She　removed　the　shawl　that　enveloped　her；　and　the　stranger　rose　to　offer

her　his　chair；　but　she　took　her　seat　on　a　low　pile　of　sacks　before　the

window。



〃I　hardly　see　why　I　should　be　outlawed　after　this　fashion；〃　he　said；

reseating　himself　and　drawing　his　chair　a　little　nearer　to　her；　〃these　are

hardly　the　quarters　one　expects　to　find　after　travelling　a　hundred　miles　in

answer　to　an　invitation。〃



〃I　said；　'Come　if　you　wish。'〃



〃And　I　did　wish。　　You　give　me　a　cold　reception。〃



〃I　could　not　take　you　to　the　house。　　Questions　would　be　asked　which　I　could

not　answer　without　prevarication。〃



〃Your　conscience　is　growing　to　have　a　certain　virgin　tenderness；〃　he　said；

in　a　low；　melodious　voice。



〃I　have　no　conscience。　　I　spoke　one　deliberate　lie　this　evening。　　I　said

the　man　who　had　come　looked　rough；　we　had　best　not　have　him　in　the　house；

therefore　I　brought　him　here。　　It　was　a　deliberate　lie；　and　I　hate　lies。　　I

tell　them　if　I　must；　but　they　hurt　me。〃



〃Well；　you　do　not　tell　lies　to　yourself；　at　all　events。　　You　are　candid；　so

far。〃



She　interrupted　him。



〃You　got　my　short　letter？〃



〃Yes；　that　is　why　I　come。　　You　sent　a　very　foolish　reply；　you　must　take　it

back。　　Who　is　this　fellow　you　talk　of　marrying？〃



〃A　young　farmer。〃



〃Lives　here？〃



〃Yes；　he　has　gone　to　town　to　get　things　for　our　wedding。〃



〃What　kind　of　a　fellow　is　he？〃



〃A　fool。〃



〃And　you　would　rather　marry　him　than　me？〃



〃Yes；　because　you　are　not　one。〃



〃That　is　a　novel　reason　for　refusing　to　marry　a　man；〃　he　said；　leaning　his

elbow　on　the　table　and　watching　her　keenly。



〃It　is　a　wise　one；〃　she　said　shortly。　　〃If　I　marry　him　I　shall　shake　him

off　my　hand　when　it　suits　me。　　If　I　remained　with　him　for　twelve　months　he

would　never　have　dared　to　kiss　my　hand。　　As　far　as　I　wish　he　should　come；

he　comes；　and　no　further。　　Would　you　ask　me　what　you　might　and　what　you

might　not　do？〃



Her　companion　raised　the　moustache　with　a　caressing　movement　from　his　lip

and　smiled。　　It　was　not　a　question　that　stood　in　need　of　any　answer。



〃Why　do　you　wish　to　enter　on　this　semblance　of　marriage？〃



〃Because　there　is　only　one　point　on　which　I　have　a　conscience。　　I　have　told

you　so。〃



〃Then　why　not　marry　me？〃



〃Because　if　once　you　have　me　you　would　hold　me　fast。　　I　shall　never　be　free

again。〃　　She　drew　a　long；　low　breath。



〃What　have　you　done　with　the　ring　I　gave　you？〃　he　said。



〃Sometimes　I　wear　it；　then　I　take　it　off　and　wish　to　throw　it　into　the

fire；　the　next　day　I　put　it　on　again；　and　sometimes　I　kiss　it。〃



〃So　you　do　love　me　a　little？〃



〃If　you　were　not　something　more　to　me　than　any　other　man　in　the　world；　do

you　think〃　　She　paused。　　〃I　love　you　when　I　see　you；　but　when　you　are

away　from　me　I　hate　you。〃



〃Then　I　fear　I　must　be　singularly　invisible　at　the　present　moment；〃　he

said。　　Possibly　if　you　were　to　look　less　fixedly　into　the　fire　you　might

perceive　me。〃



He　moved　his　chair　slightly；　so　as　to　come　between　her　and　the　firelight。

She　raised　her　eyes　to　his　face。



〃If　you　do　love　me；〃　he　asked　her；　〃why　will　you　not　marry　me？〃



〃Because；　if　I　had　been　married　to　you　for　a　year　I　should　have　come　to　my

senses　and　seen　that　your　hands　and　your　voice　are　like　the　hands　and　the

voice　of　any　other　man。　　I　cannot　quite　see　that　now。　　But　it　is　all

madness。　　You　call　into　activity　one　part　of　my　nature；　there　is　a　higher

part　that　you　know　nothing　of；　that　you　never　touch。　　If　I　married　you；

afterward　it　would　arise　and　assert　itself；　and　I　should　hate　you　always；

as　I　do　now　sometimes。〃



〃I　like　you　when　you　grow　metaphysical　and　analytical；〃　he　said；　leaning

his　face　upon　his　hand。　　〃Go　a　little　further　in　your　analysis；　say；　'I

love　you　with　the　right　ventricle　of　my　heart；　but　not　the　left；　and　with

the　left　auricle　of　my　heart；　but　not　the　right；　and；　this　being　the　case；

my　affection　for　you　is　not　of　a　duly　elevated；　intellectual　and　spiritual

nature。'　　I　like　you　when　you　get　philosophical。〃



She　looked　quietly　at　him；　he　was　trying　to　turn　her　own　weapons　against

her。



〃You　are　acting　foolishly；　Lyndall；〃　he　said；　suddenly　changing　his　manner；

and　speaking　earnestly；　〃most　foolishly。　　You　are　acting　like　a　little

child；　I　am　surprised　at　you。　　It　is　all　very　well　to　have　ideals　and

theories；　but　you　know　as　well　as　any　one　can　that　they　must　not　be　carried

into　the　practical　world。　　I　love　you。　　I　do　not　pretend　that　it　is　in　any

high；　superhuman　sense；　I　do　not　say　that　I　should　like　you　as　well　if　you

were　ugly　and　deformed；　or　that　I　should　continue　to　prize　you　whatever

your　treatment　of　me　might　be；　or　to　love　you　though　you　were　a　spirit

without　any　body　at　all。　　That　is　sentimentality　for　beardless　boys。　　Every

one　not　a　mere　child　（and　you　are　not　a　child；　except　in　years）　knows　what

love　between　a　man　and　a　woman　means。　　I　love　you　with　that　love。　　I　should

not　have　believed　it　possible　that　I　could　have　brought　myself　twice　to　ask

of　any　woman　to　be　my　wife；　more　especially　one　without　wealth；　without

position；　and　who〃



〃Yesgo　on。　　Do　not　grow　sorry　for　me。　　Say　what　you　were　going　to'who

has　put　herself　into　my　power；　and　who　has　lost　the　right　of　meeting　me　on

equal　terms。'　　Say　what　you　think。　　At　least　we　two　may　speak　the　truth　to

one　another。〃



Then　she　added　after　a　pause：



〃I　believe　you　do　love　me；　as　much　as　you　possibly　could　love　anything；　and

I　believe　that　when　you　ask　me　to　marry　you　you　are　performing　the　most

generous　act　you　ever　have　performed　in　the　course　of　your　life；　or　ever

will；　but；　at　the　same　time；　if　I　had　required　your　generosity；　it　would

not　have　been　shown　me。　　If；　when　I　got　your　letter　a　month　ago；　hinting　at

your　willingness　to　marry　me；　I　had　at　once　written；　imploring　you　to　come；

you　would　have　read　the　letter。　　'Poor　little　devil！'　you　would　have　said；

and　tore　it　up。　　The　next　week　you　would　have　sailed　for　Europe；　and　have

sent　me　a　check　for　a　hundred　and　fifty　pounds　（which　I　would　have　thrown

in　the　fire）；　and　I　would　have　heard　no　more　of　you。〃



The　stranger　smiled。



〃But　because　I　declined　your　proposal；　and　wrote　that　in　three　weeks　I

should　be　married　to　another；　then　what　you　call　love　woke　up。　　Your　man's

love　is　a　child's　love　for　butterflies。　　You　follow　till　you　have　the

thing；　and　break　it。　　If　you　have　broken　one　wing；　and　the　thing　flies

still；　then　you　love　it　more　than　ever；　and　follow　till　you　break　both；

then　you　are　satisfied　when　it　lies　still　on　the　ground。〃



〃You　are　profoundly　wise　in　the　ways　of　the　world；　you　have　seen　far　into

life；〃　he　said。



He　might　as　well　have　sneered　at　the　firelight。



〃I　have　seen　enough　to　tell　me　that　you　love　me　because　you　cannot　bear　to

be　resisted；　and　want　to　master　me。　　You　liked　me　at　first　because　I

treated　you　and　all　men　with　indifference。　　You　resolved　to　have　me　because

I　seemed　unattainable。　　This　is　all　your　love　means。〃



He　felt　a　strong　inclination　to　stoop　down　and　kiss　the　little　lips　that

defied　him；　but　he　restrained　himself。　　He　said；　quietly：　　〃And　you　loved

me〃



〃Because　you　are　strong。　　You　are　the　first　man　I　ever　was　afraid　of。　

And〃a　dreamy　look　came　into　her　face〃because　I　like　to　experience；　I

like　to　try。　　You　don't　understand　that。〃



He　smiled。



〃Well；　since　you　will　not　marry　me；　may　I　inquire　what　your　intentions　are；

the　plan　you　wrote　of。　　You　asked　me　to　come　and　hear　it；　and　I　have　come。〃



〃I　said；　'Come　if　you　wish。'　　If　you　agree　to　it；　well；　if　not；　I　marry　on

Monday。〃



〃Well？〃



She　was　still　looking　beyond　him　at　the　fire。



〃I　cannot　marry　you；〃　she　said　slowly；　〃because　I　cannot　be　tied；　but　if

you　wish；　you　may　take　me　away　with　you；　and　take　care　of　me；　then　when　we

do　not　love　any　more　we　can　say　good…bye。　　I　will　not　go　down　country；〃　she

added；　〃I　will　not　go　to　Europe。　　You　must　take　me　to　the　Transvaal。　　That

is　out　of　the　world。　　People　we　meet　there　we　need　not　see　again　in　our

future　lives。〃



〃Oh；　my　darling；〃　he　said；　bending　tenderly；　and　holding　his　hand　out　to

her；　〃why　will　you　not　give　yourself　entirely　to　me？　　One　day　you　will

desert　me　and　go　to　another。〃



She　shook　her　head　without　looking　at　him。



〃No；　life　is　too　long。　　But　I　will　go　with　you。〃



〃When？〃



〃Tomorrow。　　I　have　told　them　that　before　daylight　I　go　to　the　next　farm。　　I

will　write　from　the　town　and　tell　them　the　facts。　　I　do　not　want　them　to

trouble　me；　I　want　to　shake　myself　free　of　these　old　surroundings；　I　want

them　to　lose　sight　of　me。　　You　can　understand　that　is　necessary　for　me。〃



He　seemed　lost　in　consideration；　then　he　said：



〃It　is　better　to　have　you　on　those　conditions　than　not　at　all。　　If　you　will

have　it；　let　it　be　so。〃



He　sat　looking　at　her。　　On　her　face　was　the　weary　look　that　rested　there　so

often　now　when　she　sat　alone。　　Two　months　had　not　passed　since　they　parted；

but　the　time　had　set　its　mark　on　her。　　He　looked　at　her　carefully；　from　the

brown；　smooth　head　to　the　little　crossed　feet　on　the　floor。　　A　worn　look

had　grown　over　the　little　face；　and　it　made　its　charm　for　him　stronger。　

For　pain　and　time；　which　trace　deep　lines　and　write　a　story　on　a　human

face；　have　a　strangely　different　effect　on　one　face　and　another。　　The　f