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particular shop; and; telling me it would do my business; he took

his leave。



Secure; as I now thought myself; of my direction; I went to the

shop; which very much resembled an apothecary's。  The person who

officiated; having read the paper; took down about twenty

different jars; and; pouring something out of every one of them;

made a mixture; which he delivered to me in a bottle; having

first tied a paper round the neck of it; on which were written

three or four words; the last containing eleven syllables。  I

mentioned the name of the disease I wanted to find out; but

received no other answer than that he had done as he was ordered;

and the drugs were excellent。  I began now to be enraged; and;

quitting the shop with some anger in my countenance; I intended

to find out my inn; but; meeting in the way a porter whose

countenance had in it something more pleasing than ordinary; I

resolved to try once more; and clapped a fee into his hand。  As

soon as I mentioned the disease to him he laughed heartily; and

told me I had been imposed on; for in reality no such disease was

to be found in that city。  He then inquired into the particulars

of my case; and was no sooner acquainted with them than he

informed me that the Maladie Alamode was the lady to whom I was

obliged。  I thanked him; and immediately went to pay my respects

to her。  The house; or rather palace; of this lady was one of the

most beautiful and magnificent in the city。  The avenue to it was

planted with sycamore trees; with beds of flowers on each side;

it was extremely pleasant but short。  I was conducted through a

magnificent hall; adorned with several statues and bustoes; most

of them maimed; whence I concluded them all to be true antiques;

but was informed they were the figures of several modern heroes;

who had died martyrs to her ladyship's cause。  I next mounted

through a large painted staircase; where several persons were

depicted in caricatura; and; upon inquiry; was told they were the

portraits of those who had distinguished themselves against the

lady in the lower world。  I suppose I should have known the faces

of many physicians and surgeons; had they not been so violently

distorted by the painter。  Indeed; he had exerted so much malice

in his work; that I believe he had himself received some

particular favors from the lady of this mansion:  it is difficult

to conceive a group of stranger figures。  I then entered a long

room; hung round with the pictures of women of such exact shapes

and features that I should have thought myself in a gallery of

beauties; had not a certain sallow paleness in their complexions

given me a more distasteful idea。  Through this I proceeded to a

second apartment; adorned; if I may so call it; with the figures

of old ladies。  Upon my seeming to admire at this furniture; the

servant told me with a smile that these had been very good

friends of his lady; and had done her eminent service in the

lower world。  I immediately recollected the faces of one or two

of my acquaintance; who had formerly kept bagnios; but was very

much surprised to see the resemblance of a lady of great

distinction in such company。  The servant; upon my mentioning

this; made no other answer than that his lady had pictures of all

degrees。  I was now introduced into the presence of the lady

herself。  She was a thin; or rather meager; person; very wan in

the countenance; had no nose and many pimples in her face。  She

offered to rise at my entrance; but could not stand。  After many

compliments; much congratulation on her side; and the most

fervent expressions of gratitude on mine; she asked me many

questions concerning the situation of her affairs in the lower

world; most of which I answered to her entire satisfaction。  At

last; with a kind of forced smile; she said; 〃I suppose the pill

and drop go on swimmingly?〃  I told her they were reported to

have done great cures。  She replied she could apprehend no danger

from any person who was not of regular practice; 〃for; however

simple mankind are;〃 said she; 〃or however afraid they are of

death; they prefer dying in a regular manner to being cured by a

nostrum。〃  She then expressed great pleasure at the account I

gave her of the beau monde。  She said she had herself removed the

hundreds of Drury to the hundreds of Charing…cross; and was very

much delighted to find they had spread into St。 James's; that

she imputed this chiefly to several of her dear and worthy

friends; who had lately published their excellent works;

endeavoring to extirpate all notions of religion and virtue; and

particularly to the deserving author of the Bachelor's Estimate;

〃to whom;〃 said she; 〃if I had not reason to think he was a

surgeon; and had therefore written from mercenary views; I could

never sufficiently own my obligations。〃  She spoke likewise

greatly in approbation of the method; so generally used by

parents; of marrying children very young; and without the least

affection between the parties; and concluded by saying that; if

these fashions continued to spread; she doubted not but she

should shortly be the only disease who would ever receive a visit

from any person of considerable rank。



While we were discoursing her three daughters entered the room。 

They were all called by hard names; the eldest was named Lepra;

the second Chaeras; and the third Scorbutia。'8' They were all

genteel; but ugly。  I could not help observing the little respect

they paid their parent; which the old lady remarking in my

countenance; as soon as they quitted the room; which soon

happened; acquainted me with her unhappiness in her offspring;

every one of which had the confidence to deny themselves to be

her children; though she said she had been a very indulgent

mother and had plentifully provided for them all。  As family

complaints generally as much tire the hearer as they relieve him

who makes them; when I found her launching farther into this

subject I resolved to put an end to my visit; and; taking my

leave with many thanks for the favor she had done me; I returned

to the inn; where I found my fellow…travelers just mounting into

their vehicle。  I shook hands with my host and accompanied them

into the coach; which immediately after proceeded on its journey。



'8' These ladies; I believe; by their names; presided over the 

leprosy; king's…evil; and scurvy。





CHAPTER IV 



Discourses on the road; and a description of the palace of Death。



We were all silent for some minutes; till; being well shaken into

our several seats; I opened my mouth first; and related what had

happened to me after our separation in the city we had just left。



The rest of the company; except the grave female spirit whom our

reader may remember to have refused giving an account of the

distemper which occasioned her dissolution; did the same。  It

might be tedious to relate these at large; we shall therefore

only mention a very remarkable inveteracy which the Surfeit

declared to all the other diseases; especially to the Fever; who;

she said; by the roguery of the porters; received acknowledgments

from numberless passengers which were due to herself。  〃Indeed;〃

says she; 〃those cane…headed fellows〃 (for so she called them;

alluding; I suppose; to their ticket) 〃are constantly making such

mistakes; there is no gratitude in those fellows; for I am sure

they have greater obligations to me than to any other disease;

except the Vapors。〃  These relations were no sooner over than one

of the company informed us we were approaching to the most noble

building he had ever beheld; and which we learned from our

coachman was the palace of Death。  Its outside; indeed; appeared

extremely magnificent。  Its structure was of the Gothic order;

vast beyond imagination; the whole pile consisting of black

marble。  Rows of immense yews form an amphitheater round it of

such height and thickness that no ray of the sun ever perforates

this grove; where black eternal darkness would reign was it not

excluded by innumerable lamps which are placed in pyramids round

the grove; so that the distant reflection they cast on the

palace; which is plentifully gilt with gold on the outside; is

inconceivably solemn。  To this I may add the hollow murmur of

winds constantly heard from the grove; and the very remote sound

of roaring waters。  Indeed; every circumstance seems to conspire

to fill the mind with horror and consternation as we approach to

this palace; which we had scarce time to admire before our

vehicle stopped at the gate; and we were desired to alight in

order to pay our respects to his most mortal majesty (this being

the title which it seems he assumes)。  The outward court was full

of soldiers; and; indeed; the whole very much resembled the state

of an earthly monarch; only more magnificent。  We passed through

several courts into a vast hall; which led to a spacious

staircase; at the bottom of which stood two pages; with very

grave countenances; whom I recollected afterwards to have

formerly been very eminent undertakers; and were in reality the

only dismal faces I saw here; for this palace; so awful and

tremendous without; is all gay and sprightly within; so that we

soon lost all those dismal and gloomy ideas we had contracted in

approaching it。  Indeed; the still silence maintained among the

guards and attendants resembled rather the stately pomp of

eastern courts; but there was on every face such symptoms of

content and happiness that diffused an air of cheerfulness all

round。  We ascended the staircase and passed through many noble

apartments whose walls were adorned with various battle…pieces in

tapistry; and which we spent some time in observing。  These

brought to my mind those beautiful ones I had in my lifetime seen

at Blenheim; nor could I prevent my curiosity from inquiring

where the Duke of Marlborough's victories were placed (for I

think th

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