the garden of allah-第95部分

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was；　a　thinker；　a　man　who　longed　to　lay　hold　of　something　beyond　this
world；　but　who　had　not　been　able　to　do　so。　Even　his　desire　to　find
rest　in　a　religion　seemed　to　me　to　have　greed　in　it；　to　have　something
in　it　that　was　akin　to　avarice。　He　was　a　human　storm；　Domini；　as　well
as　a　human　fire。　Think！　what　a　man　to　be　cast　by　the　worldwhich　he
knew　as　they　know　it　only　who　are　voracious　for　life　and　freeinto　my
quiet　existence。

〃Very　soon　he　began　to　show　himself　to　me　as　he　was；　with　a　sort　of
fearlessness　that　was　almost　impudent。　The　conditions　of　our　two　lives
in　the　monastery　threw　us　perpetually　together　in　a　curious　isolation。
And　the　Reverend　Pere；　Domini；　the　Reverend　Pere；　set　my　feet　in　the
path　of　my　own　destruction。　On　the　day　after　the　stranger　had　arrived
the　Reverend　Pere　sent　for　me　to　his　private　room；　and　said　to　me；
'Our　new　guest　is　in　a　very　unhappy　state。　He　has　been　attracted　by
our　peace。　If　we　can　bring　peace　to　him　it　will　be　an　action
acceptable　to　God。　You　will　be　much　with　him。　Try　to　do　him　good。　He
is　not　a　Catholic；　but　no　matter。　He　wishes　to　attend　the　services　in
the　chapel。　He　may　be　influenced。　God　may　have　guided　his　feet　to　us；
we　cannot　tell。　But　we　can　actwe　can　pray　for　him。　I　do　not　know　how
long　he　will　stay。　It　may　be　for　only　a　few　days　or　for　the　whole
summer。　It　does　not　matter。　Use　each　day　well　for　him。　Each　day　may　be
his　last　with　us。'　I　went　out　from　the　Reverend　Pere　full　of
enthusiasm；　feeling　that　a　great；　a　splendid　interest　had　come　into　my
life；　an　interest　such　as　it　had　never　held　before。

〃Day　by　day　I　was　with　this　man。　Of　course　there　were　many　hours　when
we　were　apart；　the　hours　when　I　was　at　prayer　in　the　chapel　or
occupied　with　study。　But　each　day　we　passed　much　time　together；
generally　in　the　garden。　Scarcely　any　visitors　came；　and　none　to　stay；
except；　from　time　to　time；　a　passing　priest；　and　once　two　young　men
from　Tunis；　one　of　whom　had　an　inclination　to　become　a　novice。　And
this　man；　as　I　have　said；　began　to　show　himself　to　me　with　a
tremendous　frankness。

〃Domini；　he　was　suffering　under　what　I　suppose　would　be　called　an
obsession；　an　immense　domination　such　as　one　human　being　sometimes
obtains　over　another。　At　that　time　I　had　never　realised　that　there
were　such　dominations。　Now　I　know　that　there　are；　and；　Domini；　that
they　can　be　both　terrible　and　splendid。　He　was　dominated　by　a　woman；
by　a　woman　who　had　come　into　his　life；　seized　it；　made　it　a　thing　of
glory；　broken　it。　He　described　to　me　the　dominion　of　this　woman。　He
told　me　how　she　had　transformed　him。　Till　he　met　her　he　had　been
passionate　but　free；　his　own　master　through　many　experiences；　many
intrigues。　He　was　very　frank；　Domini。　He　did　not　attempt　to　hide　from
me　that　his　life　had　been　evil。　It　had　been　a　life　devoted　to　the
acquiring　of　experience；　of　all　possible　experience；　mental　and
bodily。　I　gathered　that　he　had　shrunk　from　nothing；　avoided　nothing。
His　nature　had　prompted　him　to　rush　upon　everything；　to　grasp　at
everything。　At　first　I　was　horrified　at　what　he　told　me。　I　showed　it。
I　remember　the　second　evening　after　his　arrival　we　were　sitting
together　in　a　little　arbour　at　the　foot　of　the　vineyard　that　sloped　up
to　the　cemetery。　It　was　half　an　hour　before　the　last　service　in　the
chapel。　The　air　was　cool　with　breath　from　the　distant　sea。　An　intense
calm；　a　heavenly　calm；　I　think；　filled　the　garden；　floated　away　to　the
cypresses　beside　the　graves；　along　the　avenue　where　stood　the　Fourteen
Stations　of　the　Cross。　And　he　told　me；　began　to　tell　me　something　of
his　life。

〃'You　thought　to　find　happiness　in　such　an　existence？'　I　exclaimed；
almost　with　incredulity　I　believe。

〃He　looked　at　me　with　his　shining　eyes。

〃'Why　not；　Father？　Do　you　think　I　was　a　madman　to　do　so？'

〃'Surely。'

〃'Why？　Is　there　not　happiness　in　knowledge？'

〃'Knowledge　of　evil？'

〃'Knowledge　of　all　things　that　exist　in　life。　I　have　never　sought　for
evil　specially；　I　have　sought　for　everything。　I　wished　to　bring
everything　under　my　observation；　everything　connected　with　human
life。'

〃'But　human　life；'　I　said　more　quietly；　'passes　away　from　this　world。
It　is　a　shadow　in　a　world　of　shadows。'

〃'You　say　that；'　he　answered　abruptly。　'I　wonder　if　you　feel　itfeel
it　as　you　feel　my　hand　on　yours。'

〃He　laid　his　hand　on　mine。　It　was　hot　and　dry　as　if　with　fever。　Its
touch　affected　me　painfully。

〃'Is　that　hand　the　hand　of　a　shadow？'　he　said。　'Is　this　body　that　can
enjoy　and　suffer；　that　can　be　in　heaven　or　in　hellhereherea
shadow？'

〃'Within　a　week　it　might　be　less　than　a　shadow。'

〃'And　what　of　that？　This　is　now；　this　is　now。　Do　you　mean　what　you
say？　Do　you　truly　feel　that　you　are　a　shadowthat　this　garden　is　but
a　world　of　shadows？　I　feel　that　I；　that　you；　are　terrific　realities；
that　this　garden　is　of　immense　significance。　Look　at　that　sky。'

〃The　sky　above　the　cypresses　was　red　with　sunset。　The　trees　looked
black　beneath　it。　Fireflies　were　flitting　near　the　arbour　where　we
sat。

〃'That　is　the　sky　that　roofs　what　you　would　have　me　believe　a　world　of
shadows。　It　is　like　the　blood；　the　hot　blood　that　flows　and　surges　in
the　veins　of　menin　our　veins。　Ah；　but　you　are　a　monk！'

〃The　way　he　said　the　last　words　made　me　feel　suddenly　a　sense　of
shame；　Domini。　It　was　as　if　a　man　said　to　another　man；　'You　are　not　a
man。'　Can　youcan　you　understand　the　feeling　I　had　just　then？
Something　hot　and　bitter　was　in　me。　A　sort　of　desperate　sense　of
nothingness　came　over　me；　as　if　I　were　a　skeleton　sitting　there　with
flesh　and　blood　and　trying　to　believe；　and　to　make　it　believe；　that　I；
too；　was　and　had　been　flesh　and　blood。

〃'Yes；　thank　God；　I　am　a　monk；'　I　answered　quietly。

〃Something　in　my　tone；　I　think；　made　him　feel　that　he　had　been　brutal。

〃'I　am　a　brute　and　a　fool；'　he　said　vehemently。　'But　it　is　always　so
with　me。　I　always　feel　as　if　what　I　want　others　must　want。　I　always
feel　universal。　It's　folly。　You　have　your　vocation；　I　mine。　Yours　is
to　pray；　mine　is　to　live。'

〃Again　I　was　conscious　of　the　bitterness。　I　tried　to　put　it　from　me。

〃'Prayer　is　life；'　I　answered；　'to　me；　to　us　who　are　here。'

〃'Prayer！　Can　it　be？　Can　it　be　vivid　as　the　life　of　experience；　as　the
life　that　teaches　one　the　truth　of　men　and　women；　the　truth　of
creationjoy；　sorrow；　aspiration；　lust；　ambition　of　the　intellect　and
the　limbs？　Prayer'

〃'It　is　time　for　me　to　go；'　I　said。　'Are　you　coming　to　the　chapel？'

〃'Yes；'　he　answered　almost　eagerly。　'I　shall　look　down　on　you　from　my
lonely　gallery。　Perhaps　I　shall　be　able　to　feel　the　life　of　prayer。'

〃'May　it　be　so；'　I　said。

〃But　I　think　I　spoke　without　confidence；　and　I　know　that　that　evening
I　prayed　without　impulse；　coldly；　mechanically。　The　long；　dim　chapel；
with　its　lines　of　monks　facing　each　other　in　their　stalls；　seemed　to
me　a　sad　place；　like　a　valley　of　dry　bonesfor　the　first　time；　for
the　first　time。

〃I　ought　to　have　gone　on　the　morrow　to　the　Reverend　Pere。　I　ought　to
have　asked　him；　begged　him　to　remove　me　from　the　/hotellerie/。　I　ought
to　have　foreseen　what　was　comingthat　this　man　had　a　strength　to　live
greater　than　my　strength　to　pray；　that　his　strength　might　overcome
mine。　I　began　to　sin　that　night。　Curiosity　was　alive　in　me；　curiosity
about　the　life　that　I　had　never　known；　wasso　I　believed；　so　I
thought　I　knewnever　to　know。

〃When　I　came　out　of　the　chapel　into　the　/hotellerie/　I　met　our　guest
I　do　not　say　his　name。　What　would　be　the　use？in　the　corridor。　It　was
almost　dark。　There　were　ten　minutes　before　the　time　for　locking　up　the
door　and　going　to　bed。　Francois；　the　servant；　was　asleep　under　the
arcade。

〃'Shall　we　go　on　to　the　path　and　have　a　last　breath　of　air？'　the
stranger　said。

〃We　stepped　out　and　walked　slowly　up　and　down。

〃'Do　you　not　feel　the　beauty　of　peace？'　I　asked。

〃I　wanted　him　to　say　yes。　I　wanted　him　to　tell　me　that　peace；
tranquillity；　were　beautiful。　He　did　not　reply　for　a　moment。　I　heard
him　sigh　heavily。

〃'If　there　is　peace　in　the　world　at　all；'　he　said　at　length；　'it　is
only　to　be　found　with　the　human　being　one　loves。　With　the　human　being
one　loves　one　might　find　peace　in　hell。'

〃We　did　not　speak　again　before　we　parted　for　the　night。

〃Domini；　I　did　not　sleep　at　all　that　night。　It　was　the　first　of　many
sleepless　nights；　nights　in　which　my　thoughts　travelled　like　winged
Furieshorrible；　horrible　nights。　In　them　I　strove　to　imagine　all　the
stranger　knew　by　experience。　It　was　like　a　ghastly；　physical　effort。　I
strove　to　conceive　of　all　that　he　had　donewith　the　view；　I　told
myself　at　first；　of　bringing　myself　to　a　greater　contentment；　of
realising　how　worthless　was　all　that　I　had　rejected　and　that　he　had
grasped　at。　In　the　dark　I；　as　it　were；　spread　out　his　map　of　life　and
mine　and　examined　them。　When；　still　in　the　dark；　I　rose　to　go　to　the
chapel　I　was　exhausted。　I　felt　unutterably　melancholy。　That　was　at
first。　Presently　I　felt　an　active；　gnawing　hunger。　ButbutI　have
not　come　to　that　yet。　This　strange；　new　melancholy　was　the　forerunner。
It　was　a　melancholy　that　seemed　to　be　caused　by　a　sense　of　frightful
loneliness　such　as　I　had　never　previously　experienced。　Till　now　I　had
almost　always　felt　God　with　me；　and　that　He　was　enough。　Now；　suddenly；
I　began　to　feel　that　I　was　alone。　I　kept　thinking　of　the　stranger's
words：　'If　there　is　peace　in　the　world　at　all　it　is　only　to　be　found
with　the　human　being　one　loves。'

〃'That　is　false；'　I　said　to　myself　again　and　again。　'Peace　is　only　to
be　found　by　close　union　with　God。　In　that　I　have　found　peace　for　many；
many　years。'

〃I　knew　that　I　had　been　at　peace。　I　knew　that　I　had　been　happy。　And
yet；　when　I　looked　back　upon　my　life　as　a　novice　and　a　monk；　I　now
felt　as　if　I　had　been　happy　vaguely；　foolishly；　bloodlessly；　happy
only　because　I　had　been　ignorant　of　what　real　happiness　wasnot
really　happy。　I　thought　of　a　bird　born　in　a　cage　and　singing　there。　I
had　been　as　that　bird。　And　then；　when　I　was　in　the　garden；　I　looked　at
the　swallows　winging　their　way　high　in　the　sunshine；　between　the
garden　trees　and　the　radiant　blue；　winging　their　way　towards　sea　and
mountains　and　plains；　and　that　bitterness；　like　an　acid　that　burns　and
eats　away　fine　metal；　was　once　mo