2 new moon新月-第67部分

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voice；　the　scent；　everything—it　was　so　much　better　than　drowning。　The　beautiful　figment　of　my　
imagination　watched　my　changing　expressions；　with　alarm。　His　irises　were　pitch…black；　with　bruise…like　
shadows　under　them。　This　surprised　me；　my　hallucinatory　Edwards　were　usually　better　fed。　

I　blinked　twice；　desperately　trying　to　remember　the　last　thing　that　I　was　sure　was　real。　Alice　was　part　of　
my　dream；　and　I　wondered　if　she　had　really　come　back　at　all；　or　if　that　was　just　the　preamble。　I　thought　
she'd　returned　the　day　I'd　nearly　drowned…　

〃Oh；　crap〃　I　croaked。　My　throat　was　thick　with　sleeping。　

〃What's　wrong；　Bella？〃　

I　frowned　at　him　unhappily。　His　face　was　even　more　anxious　than　before。　

〃I'm　dead；　right？〃　I　moaned。　〃I　did　drown。　Crap；　crap；　crap！　This　is　gonna　kill　Charlie。〃　

Edward　frowned；　too。　〃You're　not　dead。〃　

〃Then　why　am　I　not　waking　up？〃　I　challenged；　raising　my　eyebrows。　

〃You　are　awake；　Bella。〃　

I　shook　my　head。　〃Sure；　sure。　That's　what　you　want　me　to　think。　And　then　it　will　be　worse　when　I　do　
wake　up。　If　I　wake　up；　which　I　won't；　because　I'm　dead。　This　is　awful。　Poor　Charlie。　And　Renee　and　
Jake…〃　I　trailed　off　in　horror　at　what　I　had　done。　

〃I　can　see　where　you　might　confuse　me　with　a　nightmare。〃　His　short…lived　smile　was　grim。　〃But　I　can't　
imagine　what　you　could　have　done　to　wind　up　in　hell。　Did　you　commit　many　murders　while　I　was　away？〃　

I　grimaced。　〃Obviously　not。　If　I　was　in　hell；　you　wouldn't　be　with　me。〃　

He　sighed。　

My　head　was　getting　clearer。　My　eyes　flickered　away　from　his　face—unwillingly—for　one　second；　to　the　
dark；　open　window；　and　then　back　to　him。　I　started　to　remember　details…　and　I　felt　a　faint；　unfamiliar　
blush　warm　the　skin　over　my　cheekbones　as　I　slowly　realized　that　Edward　was　really；　truly　here　with　me；　
and　I　was　wasting　time　being　an　idiot。　

〃Did　all　of　that　really　happen；　then？〃　It　was　almost　impossible　to　reassign　my　dream　as　reality。　I　couldn't　
wrap　my　head　around　the　concept。　

〃That　depends。〃　Edward's　smile　was　still　hard。　〃If　you're　referring　to　us　nearly　being　massacred　in　Italy；　
then；　yes。〃　

〃How　strange；〃　I　mused。　〃I　really　went　to　Italy。　Did　you　know　I'd　never　been　farther　east　than　
Albuquerque？〃　

He　rolled　his　eyes。　〃Maybe　you　should　go　back　to　sleep。　You're　not　coherent。〃　

〃I'm　not　tired　anymore。〃　It　was　all　coming　clear　now。　〃What　time　is　it？　How　long　have　I　been　sleeping？〃　

〃It's　just　after　one　in　the　morning。　So；　about　fourteen　hours。〃　

I　stretched　as　he　spoke。　I　was　so　stiff。　

〃Charlie？〃　I　asked。　

Edward　frowned。　〃Sleeping。　You　should　probably　know　that　I'm　breaking　the　rules　right　now。　Well；　not　
technically；　since　he　said　I　was　never　to　walk　through　his　door　again；　and　I　came　in　the　window…　But；　
still；　the　intent　was　clear。〃　

〃Charlie　banned　you　from　the　house？〃　I　asked；　disbelief　quickly　melting　into　fury。　

His　eyes　were　sad。　〃Did　you　expect　anything　else？〃　

My　eyes　were　mad。　I　was　going　to　have　a　few　words　with　my　father—perhaps　it　would　be　a　good　time　
to　remind　him　that　I　was　over　the　legal　age　of　adulthood。　It　didn't　matter　so　much；　of　course；　except　in　
principle。　All　too　soon　there　would　be　no　reason　for　the　prohibition。　I　turned　my　thoughts　to　less　painful　
avenues。　

〃What's　the　story？〃　I　asked；　genuinely　curious；　but　also　trying　desperately　to　keep　the　conversation　
casual；　to　keep　a　firm　grip　on　myself；　so　I　wouldn't　scare　him　away　with　the　frantic；　gnawing　craving　that　
was　raging　inside　me。　

〃What　do　you　mean？〃　

〃What　am　I　telling　Charlie？　What's　my　excuse　for　disappearing　for…　how　long　was　I　gone；　anyway？〃　I　
tried　to　count　the　hours　in　my　head。　

〃Just　three　days。〃　His　eyes　tightened；　but　he　smiled　more　naturally　this　time。　〃Actually；　I　was　hoping　you　
might　have　a　good　explanation。　I've　got　nothing。〃　

I　groaned。　〃Fabulous。〃　

〃Well；　maybe　Alice　will　come　up　with　something；〃　he　offered；　trying　to　comfort　me。　

And　I　was　comforted。　Who　cared　what　I　had　to　deal　with　later？　Every　second　that　he　was　here—so　
close；　his　flawless　face　glowing　in　the　dim　light　from　the　numbers　on　my　alarm　clock—was　precious　and　
not　to　be　wasted。　

〃So；〃　I　began；　picking　the　least　important—though　still　vitally　interesting—question　to　start　with。　I　was　
safely　delivered　home；　and　he　might　decide　to　leave　at　any　moment。　I　had　to　keep　him　talking。　Besides；　
this　temporary　heaven　wasn't　entirely　complete　without　the　sound　of　his　voice。　〃What　have　you　been　
doing；　up　until　three　days　ago？〃　

His　face　turned　wary　in　an　instant。　〃Nothing　terribly　exciting。〃　

〃Of　course　not；〃　I　mumbled。　

〃Why　are　you　making　that　face？〃　

〃Well…〃　I　pursed　my　lips；　considering。　〃If　you　were；　after　all；　just　a　dream；　that's　exactly　the　kind　of　thing　
you　would　say。　My　imagination　must　be　used　up。〃　

He　sighed。　〃If　I　tell　you；　will　you　finally　believe　that　you're　not　having　a　nightmare？〃　

〃Nightmare！〃　I　repeated　scornfully。　He　waited　for　my　answer。　〃Maybe；〃　I　said　after　a　second　of　thought。　
〃If　you　tell　me。〃　

〃I　was…　hunting。〃　

〃Is　that　the　best　you　can　do？〃　I　criticized。　〃That　definitely　doesn't　prove　I'm　awake。〃　

He　hesitated；　and　then　spoke　slowly；　choosing　his　words　with　care。　〃I　wasn't　hunting　fot　food…　I　was　
actually　trying　my　hand　at…　tracking。　I'm　not　very　good　at　it。〃　

〃What　were　you　tracking？〃　I　asked；　intrigued。　

〃Nothing　of　consequence。〃　His　words　didn't　match　his　expression；　he　looked　upset；　uncomfortable。　

〃I　don't　understand。〃　

He　hesitated；　his　face；　shining　with　an　odd　green　cast　from　the　light　of　the　clock；　was　torn。　

〃I—〃　He　took　a　deep　breath。　〃I　owe　you　an　apology。　No；　of　course　I　owe　you　much；　much　more　than　
that。　But　you　have　to　know；〃—the　words　began　to　flow　so　fast；　the　way　I　remembered　he　spoke　
sometimes　when　he　was　agitated；　that　I　really　had　to　concentrate　to　catch　them　all—〃that　I　had　no　idea。　I　
didn't　realize　the　mess　I　was　leaving　behind。　I　thought　it　was　safe　for　you　here。　So　safe。　I　had　no　idea　that　
Victoria；〃—his　lips　curled　back　when　he　said　the　name—〃would　come　back。　I'll　admit；　when　I　saw　her　
that　one　time；　I　was　paying　much　more　attention　to　James's　thoughts。　But　I　just　didn't　see　that　she　had　this　
kind　of　response　in　her。　That　she　even　had　such　a　tie　to　him。　I　think　I　realize　why　now—she　was　so　sure　
of　him；　the　thought　of　him　failing　never　occurred　to　her。　It　was　her　overconfidence　that　clouded　her　
feelings　about　him—that　kept　me　from　seeing　the　depth　of　them；　the　bond　there。　

〃Not　that　there's　any　excuse　for　what　I　left　you　to　face。　When　I　heard　what　you　told　Alice—what　she　
saw　herself—when　I　realized　that　you　had　to　put　your　life　in　the　hands　of　werewolves；　immature；　volatile；　
the　worst　thing　out　there　besides　Victoria　herself—he　shuddered　and　the　gush　of　words　halted　for　a　short　
second。　〃Please　know　that　I　had　no　idea　of　any　of　this。　I　feel　sick；　sick　to　my　core；　even　now；　when　I　can　
see　and　feel　you　safe　in　my　arms。　I　am　the　most　miserable　excuse　for—〃　

〃Stop；〃　I　interrupted　him。　He　stared　at　me　with　agonized　eyes；　and　I　tried　to　find　the　right　words—the　
words　that　would　free　him　from　this　imagined　obligation　that　caused　him　so　much　pain。　They　were　very　
hard　words　to　say。　I　didn't　know　if　I　could　get　them　out　without　breaking　down。　But　I　had　to　try　to　do　it　
right。　I　didn't　want　to　be　a　source　of　guilt　and　anguish　in　his　life。　He　should　be　happy；　no　matter　what　it　
cost　me。　

I'd　really　been　hoping　to　put　off　this　part　of　our　last　conversation。　It　was　going　to　bring　things　to　an　end　so　
much　sooner。　

Drawing　on　all　my　months　of　practice　with　trying　to　be　normal　for　Charlie；　I　kept　my　face　smooth。　

〃Edward；〃　I　said。　His　name　burned　my　throat　a　little　on　the　way　out。　I　could　feel　the　ghost　of　the　hole；　
waiting　to　rip　itself　wide　again　as　soon　as　he　disappeared。　I　didn't　quite　see　how　I　was　going　to　survive　it　
this　time。　〃This　has　to　stop　now。　You　can't　think　about　things　that　way。　You　can't　let　this…　this　guilt…　
rule　your　life。　You　can't　take　responsibility　for　the　things　that　happen　to　me　here。　None　of　it　is　your　fault；　
it's　just　part　of　how　life　is　for　me。　So；　if　I　trip　in　front　of　a　bus　or　whatever　it　is　next　time；　you　have　to　
realize　that　it's　not　your　job　to　take　the　blame。　You　can't　just　go　running　off　to　Italy　because　you　feel　bad　
that　you　didn't　save　me。　Even　if　I　had　jumped　off　that　cliff　to　die；　that　would　have　been　my　choice；　and　
not　your　fault。　I　know　it's　your…　your　nature　to　shoulder　the　blame　for　everything；　but　you　really　can't　
let　that　make　you　go　to　such　extremes！　It's　very　irresponsible—think　of　Esme　and　Carlisle　and—〃　

I　was　on　the　edge　of　losing　it。　I　stopped　to　take　a　deep　breath；　hoping　to　calm　myself。　I　had　to　set　him　
free。　I　had　to　make　sure　this　never　happened　again。　

〃Isabella　Marie　Swan；〃　he　whispered；　the　strangest　expression　crossing　his　face。　He　almost　looked　mad。　
〃Do　you　believe　that　I　asked　the　Volturi　to　kill　me　because　I　felt　guilty？〃　

I　could　feel　the　blank　incomprehension　on　my　face。　〃Didn't　you？〃　

〃Feel　guilty？　Intensely　so。　More　than　you　can　comprehend。〃　

〃Then…　what　are　you　saying？　I　don't　understand。〃　

〃Bella；　I　went　to　the　Volturi　because　I　thought　you　were　dead；〃　he　said；　voice　soft；　eyes　fierce。　〃Even　if　
I'd　had　no　hand　in　your　death〃—he　shuddered　as　he　whispered　the　last　word—〃even　if　it　wasn't　my　
fault；　I　would　have　gone　to　Italy。　Obviously；　I　should　have　been　more　careful—I　should　have　spoken　to　
Alice　directly；　rather　than　accepting　it　secondhand　from　Rosalie。　But；　really；　what　was　I　supposed　to　
think　when　the　boy　said　Charlie　was　at　the　funeral？　What　are　the　odds？　

〃The　odds…〃　he　muttered　then；　distracted。　His　voice　was　so　low　I　wasn't　sure　I　beard　it　right。　〃The　odds　
are　always　stacked　against　us。　Mistake　after　mistake。　I'll　never　criticize　Romeo　again。〃　

〃But　I　still　don't　understand；〃　I　said。　〃That's　my　whole　point。　So　what？〃　

〃Excuse　me？〃　

〃So　what　if　I　was　dead？〃　

He　stared　at　me　dubiously　for　a　long　moment　before　answering。　〃Don't　you　remember　anything　I　told　you　
before？〃　

〃I　remember　everything　that　you　told　me。〃　Including　the　words　that　had　negated　all　the　rest。　

He　brushed　the　tip　of　his　cool　finger