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Why　can't　she　see　what　a　circus　sideshow　he　is？　　Like　they　all　are。　　The　way　he　
stares　at　her。　　It　gives　me　chills　to　watch。　　〃He　looks　at　you　like？like　you're　something　to　
eat。〃　
I　cringed；　waiting　for　her　response。　
Her　face　turned　bright　red；　and　her　lips　pressed　together　like　she　was　holding　her　
breath。　　Then；　suddenly；　a　giggle　burst　through　her　lips。　
Now　she's　laughing　at　me。　　Great。　
Mike　turned；　thoughts　sullen；　and　wandered　off　to　change。　
I　leaned　against　the　gym　wall　and　tried　to　compose　myself。　
How　could　she　have　laughed　at　Mike's　accusation—so　entirely　on　target　that　I　
began　to　worry　that　Forks　was　becoming　too　aware？　　Why　would　she　laugh　at　the　
suggestion　that　I　could　kill　her；　when　she　knew　that　it　was　entirely　true？　　Where　was　the　
humor　in　that？　
What　was　wrong　with　her？　
Did　she　have　morbid　sense　of　humor？　　That　didn't　fit　with　my　idea　of　her　
character；　but　how　could　I　be　sure？　　Or　maybe　my　daydream　of　the　giddy　angel　was　true　
in　the　one　respect；　in　that　she　had　no　sense　of　fear　at　all。　　Brave—that　was　one　word　for　
it。　　Others　might　say　stupid；　but　I　knew　how　bright　she　was。　　No　matter　what　the　reason；　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
259　

though；　this　lack　of　fear　or　twisted　sense　of　humor　wasn't　good　for　her。　　Was　it　this　
strange　lack　that　put　her　in　danger　so　constantly？　　Maybe　she　would　always　need　me　
here？　
Just　like　that；　my　mood　was　soaring。　
If　I　could　just　discipline　myself；　make　myself　safe；　then　perhaps　it　would　be　right　
for　me　to　stay　with　her。　
When　she　walked　through　the　gym　doors；　her　shoulders　were　stiff　and　her　lower　
lip　was　between　her　teeth　again—a　sign　of　anxiety。　　But　as　soon　as　her　eyes　met　mine；　
her　rigid　shoulders　relaxed　and　a　wide　smile　spread　across　her　face。　　It　was　an　oddly　
peaceful　expression。　　She　walked　right　to　my　side　without　hesitation；　only　stopping　when　
she　was　so　close　that　her　body　heat　crashed　over　me　like　a　tidal　wave。　
〃Hi；〃　she　whispered。　
The　happiness　I　felt　in　this　moment　was；　again；　without　precedent。　
〃Hello；〃　I　said；　and　then—because　with　my　mood　suddenly　so　light　I　couldn't　
resist　teasing　her—I　added；　〃How　was　gym？〃　
Her　smile　wavered。　　〃Fine。〃　
She　was　a　poor　liar。　
〃Really？〃　I　asked；　about　to　press　the　issue—I　was　still　concerned　about　her　head；　
was　she　in　pain？—but　then　Mike　Newton's　thoughts　we　so　loud　they　broke　my　
concentration。　
I　hate　him。　　I　wish　he　would　die。　　I　hope　he　drives　that　shiny　car　right　off　a　cliff。　
Why　couldn't　he　just　leave　her　alone？　　Stick　to　his　own　kind—to　the　freaks。　
〃What？〃　Bella　demanded。　
My　eyes　refocused　on　her　face。　　She　looked　at　Mike's　retreating　back；　and　then　at　
me　again。　
〃Newton's　getting　on　my　nerves；〃　I　admitted。　
Her　mouth　fell　open；　and　her　smile　disappeared。　　She　must　have　forgotten　that　I'd　
had　the　power　to　watch　through　her　calamitous　last　hour；　or　hoped　that　I　hadn't　utilized　it。　
〃You　weren't　listening　again？〃　
〃How's　your　head？〃　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
260　

〃You're　unbelievable！〃　she　said　through　her　teeth；　and　then　she　turned　away　from　
me　and　stalked　furiously　toward　the　parking　lot。　　Her　skin　flushed　dark　red—she　was　
embarrassed。　
I　kept　pace　with　her；　hoping　that　her　anger　would　pass　soon。　　She　was　usually　
quick　to　forgive　me。　
〃You　were　the　one　who　mentioned　how　I'd　never　seen　you　in　Gym；〃　I　explained。　
〃It　made　me　curious。〃　
She　didn't　answer；　her　eyebrows　pulled　together。　
She　came　to　a　sudden　halt　in　the　parking　lot　when　she　realized　that　the　way　to　my　
car　was　blocked　by　a　crowd　of　male　students。　
I　wonder　how　fast　they've　gone　in　this　thing？　
Look　at　the　SMG　shift　paddles。　　I've　never　seen　those　outside　of　a　magazine？　
Nice　side　grills？　
Sure　wish　I　had　sixty　thousand　dollars　laying　around？　
This　was　exactly　why　it　was　better　for　Rosalie　to　only　use　her　car　out　of　town。　
I　wound　through　the　throng　of　lustful　boys　to　my　car；　after　a　second　of　hesitation；　
Bella　followed　suit。　
〃Ostentatious；〃　I　muttered　as　she　climbed　in。　
〃What　kind　of　car　is　that？〃　she　wondered。　
〃An　M3。〃　
She　frowned。　　〃I　don't　speak　Car　and　Driver。〃　
〃It's　a　BMW。〃　　I　rolled　my　eyes　and　then　focused　on　backing　out　without　running　
anyone　down。　　I　had　to　lock　eyes　with　a　few　boys　that　didn't　seem　willing　to　move　out　of　
my　way。　　A　half…second　meeting　my　gaze　seemed　to　be　enough　to　convince　them。　
〃Are　you　still　angry？〃　I　asked　her。　　Her　frown　had　relaxed。　
〃Definitely；〃　she　answered　curtly。　
I　sighed。　　Maybe　I　shouldn't　have　brought　it　up。　　Oh　well。　　I　could　try　to　make　
amends；　I　supposed。　　〃Will　you　forgive　me　if　I　apologize？〃　
She　thought　about　that　for　a　moment。　　〃Maybe？if　you　mean　it；〃　she　decided。　
〃And　if　you　promise　not　to　do　it　again。〃　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
261　

I　wasn't　going　to　lie　to　her；　and　there　was　no　way　I　was　agreeing　to　that。　　Perhaps　
if　I　offered　her　a　different　exchange。　
〃How　about　if　I　mean　it；　and　I　agree　to　let　you　drive　this　Saturday？〃　　I　cringed　
internally　at　the　thought。　
The　furrow　popped　into　existence　between　her　eyes　as　she　considered　the　new　
bargain。　　〃Deal；〃　she　said　after　a　moment　of　thought。　
Now　for　my　apology？　　I'd　never　tried　to　dazzle　Bella　on　purpose　before；　but　
now　seemed　like　a　good　time。　　I　stared　deep　into　her　eyes　as　I　drove　away　from　the　
school；　wondering　if　I　was　doing　it　right。　　I　used　my　most　persuasive　tone。　
〃Then　I'm　very　sorry　I　upset　you。〃　
Her　heartbeat　thudded　louder　than　before；　and　the　rhythm　was　abruptly　staccato。　
Her　eyes　widened；　looking　a　little　stunned。　
I　half…smiled。　　It　seemed　like　I'd　gotten　it　right。　　Of　course；　I　was　having　a　bit　of　
difficulty　looking　away　from　her　eyes；　too。　　Equally　dazzled。　　It　was　a　good　thing　I　had　
this　road　memorized。　
〃And　I'll　be　on　your　doorstep　bright　and　early　Saturday　morning；〃　I　added；　
finishing　the　agreement。　
She　blinked　swiftly；　shaking　her　head　as　if　to　clear　it。　　〃Um；〃　she　said；　〃it　doesn't　
help　with　the　Charlie　situation　if　an　unexplained　Volvo　is　left　in　the　driveway。〃　
Ah；　how　little　she　still　knew　me。　　〃I　wasn't　intending　to　bring　a　car。〃　
〃How—〃　she　started　to　ask。　
I　interrupted　her。　　The　answer　would　be　hard　to　explain　without　a　demonstration；　
and　now　was　hardly　the　time。　　〃Don't　worry　about　it。　　I'll　be　there；　no　car。〃　
She　put　her　head　on　one　side；　and　looked　for　a　second　like　she　was　going　to　press　
for　more；　but　then　she　seemed　to　change　her　mind。　
〃Is　it　later　yet？〃　she　asked；　reminding　me　of　our　unfinished　conversation　in　the　
cafeteria　today；　she'd　let　go　of　one　difficult　question　just　to　return　another　that　was　more　
unappealing。　
〃I　suppose　it　is　later；〃　I　agreed　unwillingly。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
262　

I　parked　in　front　of　her　house；　tensing　as　I　tried　to　think　of　how　to　
explain？without　making　my　monstrous　nature　too　evident；　without　frightening　her　
again。　　Or　was　that　wrong？　　To　minimalize　my　darkness？　
She　waited　with　the　same　politely　interested　mask　she'd　worn　at　lunch。　　If　I'd　
been　less　anxious；　her　preposterous　calm　would　have　made　me　laugh。　
〃And　you　still　want　to　know　why　you　can't　see　me　hunt？〃　I　asked。　
〃Well；　mostly　I　was　wondering　about　your　reaction；〃　she　said。　
〃Did　I　frighten　you？〃　I　asked；　positive　that　she　would　deny　it。　
〃No。〃　
I　tried　not　to　smile；　and　failed。　　〃I　apologize　for　scaring　you。〃　　And　then　my　smile　
vanished　with　the　momentary　humor。　　〃It　was　just　the　very　thought　of　you　being　
there？while　we　hunted。〃　
〃That　would　be　bad？〃　
The　mental　picture　was　too　much—Bella；　so　vulnerable　in　the　empty　darkness；　
myself；　out　of　control？　　I　tried　to　banish　it　from　my　head。　　〃Extremely。〃　
〃Because？？〃　
I　took　a　deep　breath；　concentrating　for　one　moment　on　the　burning　thirst。　　Feeling　
it；　managing　it；　proving　my　dominion　over　it。　　It　would　never　control　me　again—I　willed　
that　to　be　true。　　I　would　be　safe　for　her。　　I　stared　at　the　welcome　clouds　without　seeing　
them；　wishing　I　could　believe　that　my　determination　would　make　any　difference　if　I　were　
hunting　when　I　crossed　her　scent。　
〃When　we　hunt？we　give　ourselves　over　to　our　senses；〃　I　told　her；　thinking　
through　each　word　before　I　spoke　it。　　〃Govern　less　with　our　minds。　　Especially　our　sense　
of　smell。　　If　you　were　anywhere　near　me　when　I　lost　control　that　way？〃　
I　shook　my　head　in　agony　at　the　thought　of　what　would—not　what　could；　but　
what　would—surely　happen　then。　
I　listened　to　the　spike　in　her　heartbeat；　and　then　turned；　restless；　to　read　her　eyes。　
Bella's　face　was　composed；　her　eyes　grave。　　Her　mouth　was　pursed　just　slightly　in　
what　I　guessed　was　concern。　　But　concern　for　what？　　Her　own　safety？　　Or　my　anguish？　　I　
continued　to　stare　at　her；　trying　to　translate　her　ambiguous　expression　into　sure　fact。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
263　

She　gazed　back。　　Her　eyes　grew　wider　after　a　moment；　and　her　pupils　dilated；　
though　the　light　had　not　changed。　
My　breathing　accelerated；　and　suddenly　the　quiet　in　the　car　seemed　to　be　
humming；　just　like　in　the　darkened　biology　room　this　afternoon。　　The　pulsing　current　
raced　between　us　again；　and　my　desire　to　touch　her　was；　briefly；　stronger　even　than　the　
demands　of　my　thirst。　
The　throbbing　electricity　made　it　feel　like　I　had　a　pulse　again。　　My　body　sang　with　
it。　　Like　I　was　human。　　More　than　anything　in　the　world；　I　wanted　to　feel　the　heat　of　her　
lips　against　mine。　　For　one　second；　I　struggled　desperately　to　find　the　strength；　the　
control；　to　able　to　put　my　mouth　so　close　to　her　skin？　
She　sucked　in　a　ragged　breath；　and　only　then　did　I　realize　that　when　I　had　started　
breathing　faster；　she　had　stopped　breathing　altogether。　
I　closed　my　eyes；　trying　to　break　the　connection　between　us。　
No　more　mistakes。　
Bella's　existence　was　tied　to　a　thousand　delicately　balanced　chemical　processes；　
all　so　easily　disrupted。　　The　rhythmic　expansion　of　her　lungs；　the　flow　of　oxygen；　was　life　
or　death　to　her。　　The　fluttering　cadence　of　her　fragile　heart　could　be　stopped　by　so　many　
stupid　accidents　or　illnesses　or？by　me。　
I　did　not　believe　that　any　member　of　my　family　would　hesitate　if　he　or　she　were　
offered　a　chance　back—if　he　or　she　could　trade　immortality　for　mortality　again。　　Any　one　
of　us　would　stand　in　fire　for　it。　　Burn　for　as　many　days　or　centuries　as　were　necessary。　
Most　of　our　kind　pri