rr.armageddonthemusical-第3部分

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　them。　And　so　they　remained。　No…one　has　yet　improved　upon　the　sphere　as　a　planetary　shape；　nor　the　erect　biped　as　its　ruling　species。　That's　the　way　it　is。　Like　it；　or　lump　it。　QED。
　　　Certainly；　some　races　evolved　mentally　a　lot　quicker　than　others。　The　reason　for　this　has　e　to　be　known　as　Duke's　Principle；　'a　man's　gotta　do；　what　a　man's　gotta　do'。　Or　to　simplify　it；　they　evolved　quicker；　because　they　had　to。　It　all　depends　very　much　upon　what　a　particular　planet　has　to　offer　in　terms　of　pickable　food；　huntable　animals；　farmable　lands　and　whatever。　The　Trempish　of　Trempera；　for　instance；　found　themselves　peting　with　huge　armour…plated　reptiles；　carnivores　with　virtually　impenetrable　hides　and　seemingly　insatiable　appetites。　If　the　Trempish　hadn't　had　the　ingenuity　to　dig　a　series　of　baited　dead…falls；　distil　an　acid　from　the　bark　of　a　rare　tree；　tip　their　arrows　with　it　and　shoot　the　trapped　beasties　in　their　exposed　pineal　glands；　they　would　surely　have　died　out。　As　it　was；　they　hadn't；　so　they　did！　Thus　proving；　that　when　a　man's　gotta　do　what　a　man's　gotta　do；　he'd　better　pull　his　finger　out　and　get　on　with　it。
　　　And　so　it　was　with　the　Phnaargs　of　Phnaargos。　Their　'gotta　doing'　was　not　immediately　apparent。　They　lived　upon　a　gloriously　verdant　world；　devoid　of　killer　reptiles　and　flying　scorpions；　rich　in　natural　vegetation；　with　a　mild　climate　and　some　really　knockout　sunsets。　However；　to　wax　biblical；　this　Eden　was　not　without　its　serpent。　Only　here　it　came　in　the　form　of　the　cathode　ray　tube。　Mankind　didn't　e　across　this　miracle　until　its　closing　moments；　but　it　wasn't　so　on　Phnaargos。　For　on　Phnaargos；　the　cathode　ray　tube　grew　wild。　And　so；　at　a　time　when　humankind　was　still　tossing　rocks　at　the　hairy　elephants　and　experimenting　with　DIY　in　the　family　cave；　the　Phnaargs　were　watching　TV。
　　　Now；　if　it　was　strange　that　the　cathode　ray　tube　should　grow　wild　upon　a　planet；　then　it　is　surely　stranger　still　that　the　botanical　equivalents　of　the　video　camera；　the　microphone；　the　mixing　desk；　the　spotlight；　the　little　monocular　thing　that　a　really　duff　director　wears　around　his　neck；　and　all　the　other　paraphernalia　necessary　to　television　production；　should　similarly　be　blooming　away；　ready　for　the　harvest。　In　fact；　many　might　be　forgiven　for　finding　it　unlikely；　to　say　the　very　least。　But　the　Almighty　moves　in　mysterious　ways；　his　wonders　to　perform。　And　who　are　we　to　question　his　motives？
　　　Now；　with　all　this　technology　sprouting　around　them；　one　might　also　be　forgiven　for　thinking　that　the　Phnaargs　were　a　'race　blessed　of　God'。　But；　you'd　be　wrong　on　that　one　too。　For　nothing　could　be　further　from　the　truth。　The　Phnaargs　were　the　first　race　ever　to　bee　irrevocably　hooked　on　television；　the　first　to　fall　victim　to　the　dangerous　and　terminally　addictive　radiations　of　the　cathode　ray　tube。　And　once　infected　at　such　an　early　stage　in　their　development；　they　were　well　and　truly　done　for。
　　　Within　a　few　short　years　of　their　discovery；　the　planet　was　literally　forested　with　cultivated　TV　stations　and　the　Phnaargs；　almost　slaves。　Those　not　engaged　in　full　time　viewing　strove　to　supply　the　needs　of　those　who　were。　The　needs　soon　became　demands　and　the　demands　were　wild。　For　this　was　a　young　and　primitive　stock　and　it　liked　its　TV　meaty！
　　　And　so　Duke's　Principle　came　into　effect　upon　Phnaargos。　The　Phnaarg　TV　execs；　finding　that　supply　was　far　outstripped　by　demand；　were　forced　to　do　something。　To　boldly　go　where　no　man　had　gone　before。　To　seek　out　new　worlds　and　new　civilizations。　And　televise　them。
　　　And　such　it　was；　that　by　a　rare　freak　of　chance；　which　suddenly　makes　all　the　foregoing　relevant；　the　Phnaargs　came　across　Planet　Earth。　Here　they　found　man；　still　stoning　the　mammoths；　whacking　up　the　murals　and　generally　minding　his　own　business。　Had　he　been　allowed　to　carry　on　with　these　trivial　pursuits；　he　would　probably　be　doing　so　even　now。　But　the　visiting　Phnaargs　were　not　slow　to　realize　the　potential　of　mankind's　development　as　great　TV　material。　They　wasted　little　time　in　setting　up　their　horticultural　transmitters　and　getting　on　with　the　show。　And　the　rest；　like　it　or　like　it　not；　is　history。
　　　The　series　became　an　overnight　success。　The　Phnaargian　viewers　took　to　this　'everyday　story　of　simple　folk'　like　Teds　to　a　tapered　trouser；　and　The　Earthers　became　the　most　popular　series　in　the　history　of　the　universe。
　　　Now；　on　the　face　of　it；　this　might　appear　to　be　harmless　enough　stuff；　a　race；　hopelessly　addicted　to　television；　watching　the　exploits　of　another。　And　so　it　might　possibly　have　remained；　but　for　the　Phnaarg　viewing　public's　fanatical　craving　for　'a　bit　of　action'。　Much　against　their　better　judgement；　the　producers　of　The　Earthers　found　themselves　forced　to　help　things　along　a　bit。
　　　It　all　began　in　a　small　way；　with　fire；　the　wheel　and　language。　The　Earthers　just　didn't　seem　to　be　getting　the　hang　of　them。　And　as　the　series　was　now　running　prime…time；　there　seemed　good　reason　to　slip　all　these　into　one　weekly　episode；　to　get　the　ball　rolling。
　　　The　fact　that　this　was　done　has　always　been　vigorously　denied　by　the　producers；　as　have　suggestions　that　they　have　been　doing　likewise　ever　since。　Continually　tampering　with　Earth　history　to　keep　the　ratings　up。　The　Phnaargian　tabloids　have　made　scandalous　assertions　that　certain　popular　figures　have　been　'reincarnated'　over　the　centuries；　and　even　that　some　of　the　major　roles　have　been　played　by　Phnaargian　actors　dressed　up　to　look　like　Earthers。
　　　Whether　there　is　any　truth　in　this　isn't　easy　to　say；　the　producers　of　the　series　wisely　having　kept　the　precise　location　of　Planet　Earth　to　themselves　as　a　simple　precaution　against　nosy　parkers。　But　the　fact　that　next　week's　episode　of　The　Earthers　is　always　previewed　in　the　television　papers　should　be　enough　to　raise　the　occasional　suspicion。
　　　However；　by　the　Earth　year　2050　viewing　figures　on　Phnaargos　were　tailing　off　dramatically。　And　viewers；　miffed　that　their　favourites　had　got　the　chop　in　the　Nuclear　Holocaust　Event；　an　episode　which　achieved　the　biggest　ever　ratings　and　won　several　much…coveted　awards；　were　switching　off　in　droves。　The　idea　of　watching　a　rather　undistinguished　cast　of　scabby…looking　individuals；　whose　lives　apparently　revolved　around　watching　television；　was　of　very　little　interest。　It　was　so　far…fetched；　for　one　thing。
　　　And　so　it　came　to　be　that　on　a　May　morning；　when　summer　was　the　season；　the　executive　team　of　Earthers　Inc。　held　a　very　special　meeting。　The　boardroom　perched；　high　in　the　spiral　leafbound　plex。　The　Phnaargian　sun；　Rupert；　nudged　a　golden　ray　or　two　down　towards　the　broad　and　membraned　picture…window；　where；　tinted　to　a　subtle　rose…pink；　they　fell　upon　the　exquisite　table　of　Goldenwood　which　grew　in　the　centre　of　the　room。　The　room　itself　was　another　marvel　of　horticultural　architecture。　A　masterpiece；　designed　and　grown　by　the　leading　'hortitect'　of　the　day；　Capability　Crabshaw。
　　　Crabshaw's　current　passion　was　for　the　work　of　the　late　and　legendary　Vita　Sackville…West。　This　was　reflected　in　this　year's　boardroom　'look'。　The　chairs　were　the　product　of　painstaking　topiary　work；　performed　upon　box　hedges。　The　svelte　grass　carpeting　the　floor　was　sewn　with　thyme；　camomile　and　other　fragrant　herbs；　which　released　aromatic　essences　when　stepped　upon。　Acacia　Dealata　and　Aibizia　Julibrissin　flowered　in　weathered　terracotta　pots；　arranged　in　pleasing　positions　to　every　corner　of　the　room。　It　was　all　very　much　just　so。　But　whether　the　members　of　the　board；　hunched　sullenly　in　their　box…hedge　baronials；　had　any　appreciation　whatsoever　for　this　Sissinghurst　in　the　sky；　must　remain　in　some　doubt。　For　these　were　desperate　men。　And　he　who　had　the　most　to　lose　was　the　most　desperate　of　them　all。
　　　Mungo　Madoc；　station　controller；　surveyed　his　troops　with　a　bitter　eye。　Mungo　was　'Earthish'　to　the　very　nostrils。　But　for　the　greenly…dyed　mustachios；　waxed　into　the　six　points；　befitting　to　his　status；　and　the　extraordinarily　lush　three…piece；　clothing　his　ample　frame；　one　might　have　taken　him　for　an　Earthman　any　day　of　the　week。　Except　possibly　Tuesday。
　　　Of　the　executive　board；　little　can　be　offered　to　the　reader　in　terms　of　their　variance　from　established　Earth　type。　They　averaged　around　the　six…foot　mark；　some　corpulent；　others　of　that　lean　and　hungry　look　once　alluded　to　by　a　certain　Phnaargian　copy…writer　of　days　gone　by。　There　were　six　of　them　in　all；　and　a　right　surly…looking　bunch　they　were　too。　It　may　be　of　interest　to　note　that　while；　at　this　time；　all　media　on　Earth　was　run　by　females　of　the　species；　here　on　Phnaargos；　male　chauvinism　held　sway。　And　a　woman's　place　was　in　the　greenhouse。
　　　Mungo　tapped　his　trowel　of　office　upon　the　shining　table…top。　All　conversation　ceased　as　he　drew　breath　and　launched　straight　into　the　meat　of　the　matter。　'Gentlemen；'　he　said；　his　voice　having　the　not　unexpected　nasal　quality　of　one　addicted　to　the　pleasures　of　orchid　sniffing；　'gentlemen；　we　are　in　big　schtuck　here。'　
　　　Executive　heads　bobbed　up　and　down　appropriately。　At　the　far　end　of　the　table　Diogenes　'Dermot'　Darbo；　naturally　bald；　but　resplendent　in　a　vine…hair…toupee　said；　'Yes；　indeedy。'　
　　　'Viewing　figures　have　sunk　to　a　point　beneath　which　even　the　Fengorian　Flatworm　might　find　squeezing　a　somewhat　hazardous　affair。'　There　were　some　nervous　titters　amongst　those　few　who　hadn't　heard　the　remark　before。　'And　so　I'm　holding　this　special　council；　that　you　may　favour　me　with　your　propositions　for　the　revitalization　of　the　series。'　
　　　Mungo's　team　made　encouraging　faces。　But　nobody　spoke。
　　　'You　will　offer　me　your　proposals；　I　will　mull　them　over　and　almost　upon　the　instant　decide　who　remains　on　the　team；　enjoying　all　the　privileges；　and　who　seeks　new　employment　turning　post　in　the　nursery　beds；　enjoying　the　fresh　air。'　
　　　The　heads　remained　nodless　but　the　brains　within　them　pulsed　with　activity。
　　　'I'　m　waiting；　gentlemen。'　
　　　Hook…nosed　Gryphus　Garstang　rose　tentatively　to　his　feet　and　raised　an　arm；　gorgeously　encased　in　spring…flowering　cyclamen。　'What　do　you　say　to　another　war？'　he　asked　brightly。
　　　Mungo　Madoc　eyed　the　young　man　almost　kindly。　'Another　war？'　said　he；　tucking　a　soft　green　sapling　behind　his　left　ear。　'If　it　hadn't　been　for　your　brilliant　c