cw.imarriedadeadman-第31部分

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


　Her　eyes　looked　up　at　Patrice　in　the　same　way　they　had　that　first　day　at　the　railroad　station。　They　were　kind。　They　smiled　around　the　edges。　They　hurt　a　little；　they　were　so　trustful。
　〃I　didn't　dream。〃　she　heard　herself　saying；　〃We　drove　out　further　than　we'd　intended　to。　It　was　such　a　beautiful　night。〃
　Two　hands　were　feebly　extended　for　her　to　clasp。
　She　dropped　suddenly　to　her　knees　and　smothered　them　with　kisses。
　〃I　love　you；〃　she　pleaded。　〃That　much　is　true；　oh；　that　much　is　true！　If　I　could　only　make　you　believe　it　My　mother。　You're　my　mother。〃
　〃You　don't　have　to；　dear。　I　know　it　already。　I　love　you　too；　and　my　love　has　always　known　that　you　do。　That's　why　you're　my　little　girl。　Remember　that　I　told　you　this：　you're　my　little　girl。〃
　And　then　she　said；　very　softly；　〃I　forgive　you；　dear。　I　forgive　my　little　girl。〃
　She　stroked　Patrice's　hand　consolingly。
　〃Marry　Bill。　I　give　you　both　my　blessing。　Here…〃　She　gestured　feebly　in　the　direction　of　her　own　shoulder。　〃Under　my　pillow。　I　had　Ty　put　something　there　for　you。〃
　Patrice　reached　under；　drew　out　a　long　envelope；　sealed；　unaddressed。
　〃Keep　this；〃　Mother　Hazzard　said；　touching　the　edge　for　a　moment。　〃Don't　show　it　to　anyone。　It's　just　for　you。　Do　not　open　until…after　I'm　not　here。　It's　in　case　you　need　it。　When　you're　in　greatest　need；　remember　I　gave　it　to　you…open　it　then。〃
　She　sighed　deeply；　as　though　the　effort　had　tired　her　unendurably。
　〃Kiss　me。　It's　late。　So　very　late。　I　can　feel　it　in　every　inch　of　my　poor　old　body。　You　can't　feel　how　late　it　is；　Patrice；　but　I　can。〃
　Patrice　bent　low　above　her；　touched　her　own　lips　to　hers。
　〃Goodbye；　my　daughter；〃　she　whispered。
　〃Goodnight；〃　Patrice　amended。
　〃Goodbye；〃　she　insisted　gently。　There　was　a　faint；　prideful　smile　on　her　face；　a　smile　of　superior　knowledge；　as　of　one　who　knows　herself　to　be　the　better　informed　of　the　two。
　
　
　44
　
　Lonely　vigil　by　the　window；　until　long　after　it　had　grown　light。　Sitting　there；　staring；　waiting；　hoping；　despairing；　dying　a　little。　Seeing　the　stars　go　out；　and　the　dawn　creep　slowly　toward　her　from　the　east；　like　an　ugly　gray　pallor。　She'd　never　wanted　to　see　daybreak　less；　for　at　least　the　dark　had　covered　her　sorrows　like　a　cloak　but　every　moment　of　increasing　light　diluted　it；　until　it　had　reached　the　vanishing…point；　it　was　gone；　there　wasn't　any　more　left。
　Motionless　as　a　statue　in　the　blue…tinged　window；　forehead　pressed　forward　against　the　glass；　making　a　little　white　ripple　of　adhesion　across　it　where　it　touched。　Eyes　staring　at　nothing；　for　nothing　was　all　there　was　out　there　to　see。
　I've　found　my　love　at　last；　only　to　lose　him；　only　to　throw　him　away。　Why　did　I　find　out　tonight　I　loved　him；　why　did　I　have　to　know？　Couldn't　I　have　been　spared　that　at　least？
　The　day　wasn't　just　bitter　now。　The　day　was　ashes；　lying　all　around　her；　cold　and　crumbled　and　consumed。　No　use　for　pinks　and　blues　and　yellows　to　try　to　tint　it；　like　watercolors　lightly　applied　from　some　celestial　palette；　no　use。　It　was　dead。　And　she　was　sitting　there　beside　its　bier。
　And　if　there　was　such　a　thing　as　penance；　absolution；　for　mistakes　that；　once　made；　can　never　be　wholly　undone　again；　can　only　be　regretted；　she　should　have　earned　it　on　that　long　vigil。　But　maybe　there　is　none。
　Her　chances　were　dead　and　her　hopes　were　dead；　and　she　couldn't　atone　any　further。
　She　turned　and　slowly　looked　behind　her。　Her　baby　was　awake；　and　smiling　at　her；　and　for　once　she　had　no　answering　smile　ready　to　give　him。　She　couldn't　smile；　it　would　have　been　too　strange　a　thing　to　fit　upon　her　mouth。
　She　turned　her　face　away　again；　so　that　she　wouldn't　have　to　look　at　him　too　long。　Because；　what　good　did　crying　do？　Crying　to　a　little　baby。　Babies　cried　to　their　mothers；　but　mothers　shouldn't　cry　to　their　babies。
　Outside；　the　man　came　out　on　that　lawn　down　there；　pulling　his　garden…hose　after　him。　Then　when　he　had　it　all　stretched　out；　he　let　it　lie；　and　went　back　to　the　other　end　of　it；　and　turned　the　spigot。　The　grass　began　to　sparkle；　up　where　the　nozzle　lay　inert；　even　before　he　could　return　to　it　and　take　it　up。　You　couldn't　see　the　water　actually　ing　out；　because　the　nozzle　was　down　too　flat　against　the　ground；　but　you　could　see　a　sort　of　irridescent　rippling　of　the　grass　right　there；　that　told　there　was　something　in　motion　under　it。
　Then　he　saw　her　at　her　window；　and　he　raised　his　arm　and　waved　to　her；　the　way　he　had　in　the　beginning；　that　first　day。　Not　because　she　was　she；　but　because　his　own　world　was　all　in　order；　and　it　was　a　beautiful　morning；　and　he　wanted　to　wave　to　someone　to　show　them　how　he　felt。
　She　turned　her　head　away。　Not　to　avoid　his　friendly　little　salutation；　but　because　there　was　a　knocking　at　her　door。　Someone　was　knocking　at　her　door。
　She　got　up　stiffly　and　walked　over　toward　it；　and　opened　it。
　A　lonely；　lost　old　man　was　standing　out　there；　quietly；　unassumingly。　Bill's　father　was　standing　out　there；　very　wilted；　very　spent　A　stranger；　mistaking　her　for　a　daughter。
　〃She　just　died；〃　he　whispered　helplessly。　〃Your　mother　just　died；　dear。　I　didn't　know　whom　to　go　to；　to　tell　about　it…so　I　came　to　your　door。〃　He　seemed　unable　to　do　anything　but　just　stand　there；　limp；　baffled。
　She　stood　there　without　moving　either。　That　was　all　she　was　able　to　do　too。　That　was　all　the　help　she　could　give　him。
　
　
　45
　
　The　leaves　dying；　as　she　had　died。　The　season　was　dying。　The　old　life　was　dying；　was　dead。　They　had　buried　it　back　there　just　now。
　〃How　strange；〃　Patrice　thought　〃To　go　on；　before　one　can　go　on　to　something　new；　there　has　to　be　death　first　Always；　there　has　to　be　a　kind　of　death；　of　one　sort　or　another；　first　Just　as　there　has　been　with　me。〃
　The　leaves　were　brightly　dying。　The　misty　black　of　her　veil　dimmed　their　apoplectic　spasms　of　scarlet　and　orange　and　ochre；　tempered　them　to　a　more　bearable　hue　in　the　fiery　sunset；　as　the　funeral　limousine　coursed　at　stately　speed　homeward　through　the　countryside。
　She　sat　between　Bill　and　his　father。
　〃I　am　the　Woman　of　the　Family　now；〃　she　thought。　〃The　only　woman　of　their　house　and　in　their　house。　That　is　why　I　sit　between　them　like　this；　in　place　of　prominence；　and　not　to　the　outside。〃
　And　though　she　would　not　have　known　how　to　phrase　it；　even　to　herself；　her　own　instincts　told　her　that　the　country　and　the　society　she　was　a　part　of　were　basically　matriarchal；　that　it　was　the　woman　who　was　essentially　the　focus　of　each　home；　the　head　of　each　little　individual　family…group。　Not　brazenly；　aggressively　so；　not　on　the　outside；　but　within　the　walls；　where　the　home　really　was。　She　had　succeeded　to　this　primacy　now。　The　gangling　adolescent　who　had　once　stood　outside　a　door　that　wouldn't　open。
　One　she　would　marry　and　be　his　wife。　One　she　would　look　after　in　filial　devotion；　and　ease　his　loneliness　and　cushion　his　decline　as　best　she　could。　There　was　no　treachery；　no　deceit；　in　her　plans；　all　that　was　over　with　and　past。
　She　held　Father　Hazzard's　hand　gently　clasped　in　her　own；　on　the　one　side。　And　on　the　other；　her　hand　curved　gracefully　up　and　around　the　turn　of　Bill's　stalwart　arm。　To　indicate：　You　are　mine。　And　I　am　yours。
　The　limousine　had　halted。　Bill　got　out　and　armed　her　down。　Then　they　both　helped　his　father　and；　one　on　each　side　of　him；　walked　slowly　with　him　up　the　familiar　terraced　flagstones　to　the　familiar　door。
　Bill　sounded　the　knocker；　and　Aunt　Josie　's　deputy　opened　the　door　for　them　with　all　the　alacrity　of　the　novice。　Aunt　Josie　herself；　of　course；　a　titular　member　of　the　family；　had　attended　the　services　with　them；　was　on　her　way　back　now　in　the　lesser　of　the　two　limousines。
　She　closed　the　door　in　respectful　silence；　and　they　were　home。
　It　was　she　who　first　saw　them；　Patrice。　They　were　in　the　library。
　Bill　and　his　father；　going　on　ahead；　supporting　arm　about　waist；　had　passed　the　open　doorway　obliviously。　She　had　lingered　behind　for　a　moment；　to　give　some　muted　necessary　orders。
　〃Yes；　Mrs。　Hazzard；〃　Aunt　Josie　's　deputy　said　docilely。
　Yes；　Mrs。　Hazzard。　That　was　the　first　time　she　had　heard　it　（Aunt　Josie　always　called　her　〃Miss　Pat〃）；　but　she　would　have　that　now　all　her　life；　as　her　due。　Her　mind　rolled　it　around　on　its　tongue；　savoring　it　Yes；　Mrs。　Hazzard。　Position。　Security。　Impregnability。　The　end　of　a　journey。
　Then　she　moved　forward　and；　passing　the　doorway；　saw　them。
　They　were　sitting　in　there；　both　facing　it　Two　men。　The　very　way　they　held　their　heads…they　were　not　apologetic；　they　were　not　disclaiming　enough；　for　such　a　time　and　such　a　place　and　such　a　visit。　Their　faces；　as　she　met　them；　did　not　say：　〃Whenever　you　are　ready。〃　Their　faces　said：　〃We　are　ready　for　you　now。　e　in　to　us。〃
　Fear　put　out　a　long　finger　and　touched　her　heart。　She　had　stopped。
　〃Who　are　those　two　men？〃　she　breathed　to　the　girl　who　had　let　her　in。　〃What　are　they　doing　in　there？〃
　〃Oh；　I　forgot。　They　came　here　about　twenty　minutes　ago；　asking　to　see　Mr。　Hazzard。　I　explained　about　the　funeral；　and　suggested　maybe　they'd　better　e　back　later。　But　they　said　no；　they　said　they'd　wait　I　couldn't　do　anything　with　them。　So　I　just　let　them　be。〃
　She　went　on　past　the　opening。　〃He's　in　no　condition　to　speak　to　anyone　now。　You'll　have　to　go　in　there　and…〃
　〃Oh；　not　old　Mr。　Hazzard。　It's　Mr。　Hazzard　his　son　they　want。〃
　She　knew　then。　Their　faces　had　already　told　her；　the　grim　way　they　had　both　sized　her　up　that　fleeting　second　or　two　she　had　stood　in　the　doorway。　People　didn't　stare　at　you　like　that；　just　ordinary　people。　Punitive　agents　did。　Those　empowered　by　law　to　seek　out；　and　identify；　and　question。
　The　finger　had　bee　a　whole　icy　hand　now；　twisting　and　crushing　her　heart　in　its　grip。
　Detectives。　Already。　So　soon；　so　relentlessly；　so　fatally　soon。　And　today　of　all　days；　on　this　very　day。
　The　copybooks　were　right；　the　texts　that　said　the　police　were　infallible。
　She　turned　and　hurried　up　the　stairs；　to　overtake　Bill　and　his　father；　nearing　the　top　now；　still　linked　in　considerate；　toiling　ascent。
　Bill　turned　his　head　inquiringly　at　sound　of　her　hasty　step　behind　them。　Father　Ha。zzard　didn't　What　was　any　step　to　him　any　more？　The　only　one　he　wanted　to　hear　would　never　sound　again。
　She　made　a　little　sign　to　Bill　behind　his　fat