el.angeleyes-第32部分
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u。 Yes。 He needs you to make his food for him。 To lay out his clothes in the morning。 And you are； as we know； a working woman。 How early do you have to get up； Honno； to make sure your husband's needs are met？〃
〃It isn't like that；〃 Honno protested。
〃Oh？ How is it； then？ Tell me。〃
〃You are so good with words。〃 Honno was so enraged she could hardly speak。 〃You twist them； turn them inside out so they suit your purpose。 I am not that skilled。〃
He said； 〃Are you familiar with the Hagakure； the Book of Hidden Leaves？ Yes？ Then you may recall a key passage that tells of the clever samurai。 When he gathers sufficient experience； he discovers； much to his dismay； that all the plex rules and regulations of society by which he has so scrupulously lived his life are nothing more than meaningless illusion。 The Hagakure further counsels the samurai to hold his tongue once the truth is made manifest to him； so that he will not prematurely reveal it to those younger and more ignorant than himself。''
Honno said nothing for a time。 Her cheeks were unaccountably hot with shame。 How she despised Big Ezoe at this moment。 More than she ever could have imagined。 At last she recovered sufficiently to say； 〃How is it you know where Sakata…san worshiped？〃
Big Ezoe contemplated her for some time。 〃You know； Mrs。 Kansei； you must learn to lighten your spirit。 Burdens such as you evidently carry bee insupportable over time。〃 He moved inside the wooden roof of the tiny shrine。 〃The answer to your question is a simple one。 I have many friends； even more contacts。 More than one of them is a samurai。 No doubt Sakata was seen here on a number of his midday pilgrimages。〃
〃Is there anything you don't know？〃 Honno asked。
〃Sure；〃 Big Ezoe said； taking the key from her。 〃What Sakata was hiding。〃 With some difficulty； he bent down； lifted up the cloth draped over the center of the shrine。 He slid the key into the lock of a small door cut in the wooden side。
Inside he found two books that looked like ledgers。 He handed them to Honno； who opened one； leafed through the pages which were covered by a tight hand…drawn scrawl。 The second ledger revealed the same。 The writing was not kanji or any other with which Honno was familiar。
''What is this？'' Honno asked。
Big Ezoe； looking over her shoulder； said。 〃I'm not sure； but if I had to hazard a guess； I 'd say it was some kind of code。''
''Great；'' Honno said。 ''What am I supposed to do with these books？ I don't even know what they contain。〃 It was then she thought of Giin； and everything fell into place。
Honno had met Giin almost ten years ago； before she had known that Eikichi Kansei existed。 At that time Giin was highly placed in a ministry； she was never quite sure which。 She was meant to have married Giin。 She would have； except for the fact that he； like her father； was an inveterate gambler。
She had been so young then； still so full of mixed emotions about her father。 His death last year had changed that； of course。 Noboru's memory was purer than Noboru had been in life。 All the contradictory emotions Honno felt for her father were swept away； to be replaced by the overriding virtue of filial piety。 Hino…euma woman or not； she was her father's daughter。
But the one thing she would not do was to give her love to another man who gambled； a man who； more than anything else； reminded Honno of her father。 While it was true that Giin was far more intelligent than Noboru Yamato ever had been…in fact； he was a genius； of sorts…there were other； more telling traits they shared。 They both had obsessive personalities； they were tyrants in their professional lives； and they had an underlying weakness： they loved to gamble。
In fact； they couldn't stop。 It was an axiom of their personalities： obsessive； domineering； certain they were always right。 And； oddly； their mounting losses did not disabuse them of their vanity。 Quite the opposite。 They could not believe their losses； would not recognize the danger as those losses mounted precipitously。 They were focused on only one thing： their passion to win。 Because winning was essential to their personalities； they could not survive without it。
Indeed； Noboru Yamato had not survived his obsession。 But Giin had； just barely。 Honno had heard that he was no longer in the public sector； but whether that had been his choice or his masters'； she did not know。 He had been a ronin…an ex…minister looking for work in the private sector…for some time before he had found a job that suited him。
He had bee a professor of philosophy at a Tokyo university； which was either laughable or pathetic； depending on your point of view。 He would have been the least flexible person Honno had ever known…except for her father。 And； considering that philosophy was a continual bending of thought； tenet； and ideology…a living dialectic with the universe； as it were…Honno considered it odd that Giin should end up teaching philosophy。
She insisted on seeing him alone； although Big Ezoe wanted to e with her。 Privately； she would have been appalled to face Giin for the first time in ten years with a Yakuza oyabun at her side。
She met him in his office； late in the day； after his last class had ended。 As his secretary announced her； Honno felt a hol…lowness in the pit of her stomach； the fluttering； almost humiliating sense of being brought before a judge； as if the first thing Giin might say to her was； 〃Well； my dear； what have you done with your life since you left me？〃
In fact； he said nothing。 He was grading test papers when she was shown into his office。 It was no more than a cubicle； really； windowless； almost airless。 It was jammed with books； papers； bound galleys； gigantic reference works。
Giin sat behind an anonymous desk。 He wore an anonymous dark suit； his gray hair neatly parted； his round wire spectacles shining in the glare of the overhead lights。 He did not look up when she came in； and she thought that rude。 Somehow； this increased her sense of humiliation。 But by now Honno had concluded that she felt as humiliated for him as she did for herself。 Until this moment she did not appreciate how difficult this interview might be for him。
She had left him abruptly； unforgivably； after agreeing to marry him； after he had made her an integral part of his life； introduced her to his family and his friends。 And； worst of all； she had done so without so much as a word of explanation。 But how could she have told him that she refused to marry an inveterate gambler？ It would have been too shameful for herself and for him。
Now； looking at him in this tiny office； grading papers of students who； no doubt； would never fathom the depths of his genius； Honno felt her cheeks burning。 She sat silently； to meekly wait out his silence so that he could regain a measure of the face she had robbed him of ten years ago。
When； at last； he judged the silence to be of appropriate duration； Giin said； 〃So； I understand that you have married。 Are you happy？〃
〃Of course I am！〃 Honno exclaimed； and immediately regretted her response。 〃That is； Eikichi Kansei is a good husband。〃
For me first time Giin lifted his head。 Honno could see his eyes behind the lenses of his spectacles。 He stared directly at her； and she seemed to wither； so intimidating was his gaze。 For an instant she even wished； crazily； that she had allowed Big Ezoe to e with her。 But it was only anger； and a hurt she knew she had no right to feel； so she closed off both these emotions； sealing them behind the facade all Japanese learn to construct almost from the moment they are born。
〃It is good to see you； Giin；〃 she ventured。
〃It has been a very long time；〃 he said； and she tried not to wince。 〃A lifetime for some。〃
〃How have you been？〃 Honno was now dreading his every response。
Giin raised his hands； indicating his jammed cubicle。 〃This is how I am。〃
〃Have you married？〃
''There was no need to after you left。''
〃I…〃 Honno's nerve faltered。 In the face of his pain and anger； what was there to say？
〃I am pleased that you have found a life for yourself；〃 Giin said in a lighter tone。 〃You seemed so lost； so confused when I knew you。 I tried to help you with these things； but perhaps I did not know how to unlock the riddle of you。〃 He smiled； and Honno was reminded of the man she had once known。 〃That's ironic； don't you think； considering my expertise in solving problems？ But my work then involved cryptograms； codes； mathematical formulae。 plex matters； to be sure； but nevertheless； cut and dried。 The truth is； I was never much good at handling people； or understanding them； for that matter。 Perhaps that's where we went wrong。〃
〃Yes；〃 Honno said； lowering her head。 〃Perhaps。〃
〃That's why I decided to e here to the university；〃 Giin said sometime later。 〃Here I am not only surrounded by people； I am forced to interact with them。 I suppose it was my way of admitting my faults； of trying to remake myself。〃
When Honno said nothing； he continued； 〃I'm glad you agreed to have dinner with me。 I know I was rude to you earlier； but it was only my shock； and my shame at remembering。〃
Honno forced herself to look at him。
〃I've stopped gambling； you see；〃 Giin said。 〃Eventually； I came to understand how pernicious it was； how utterly it had ruined my life。 It cost me my job； some of my friends。 When I saw what I had been reduced to； my first thought was of you； and how grateful I was that you had left； so that I could not drag you down with me。 I never would have forgiven myself if that had happened。〃
〃I don't know what to say；〃 Honno said； which was the truth。 Giin's abrupt…and unexpected…confession had caught her quite by surprise。 Her thoughts were in chaos。 And her emotions 。 。 。 My God； she thought； the attraction is still there； deeply buried but unmistakable。 She was utterly horrified by this thought； but no matter what inner contortions she went through； she was unsuccessful in suppressing it。 I am happily married now； she reminded herself。 It did not seem to matter。 This was not what she had expected。 She could see the love in his eyes； which he had never let die。 Something unknown inside her was melting。
〃You're not required to say anything；〃 Giin said gently
