lh.narcissusinchains-第49部分

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t　plead　insanity　and　live。〃
　〃I　saw　that　crime　scene。　It　didn't　look　like　a　vampire　did　it。　It　looked　more　like　a　shapeshifter；　but　。。。　but　the　marks　were　wrong。〃　I　shook　my　head。　〃It　was　vicious；　a　vicious　animal。〃
　〃Oui；　and　so　I　locked　him　away　and　hoped　that　you　would　e　home　to　us；　or　sense　his　plight。　At　first　I　did　nothing　to　block　him　from　reaching　you　but　you　did　not　e。〃
　〃I　didn't　know。〃
　〃You　knew　that　Damian　was　yours；　and　yet　you　did　not　ask　about　him。　You　cast　him　away。〃
　〃I　didn't　know；〃　I　said；　again；　each　word　tight　with　anger。
　〃And　I　had　no　choice；　Anita。　I　had　to　put　him　away。〃
　〃Do　you　think　the　insanity　is　permanent？〃
　He　shrugged；　arms　still　hugging　his　body。　〃If　you　were　a　vampire　and　he　your　vampire　child；　I　would　say　no。　But　you　are　not　vampire；　you　are　necromancer；　and　I　simply　do　not　know。〃
　〃If　he　stays　that　crazy　。。。　〃
　〃He　will　have　to　be　destroyed；〃　Jean…Claude　said；　voice　soft。
　〃I　didn't　mean　for　this　to　happen。〃
　〃Nor　did　I。〃
　We　stood　there　for　a　few　moments　while　I　thought　about　everything　and　Jean…Claude　either　thought　about　it；　too；　or　just　stood　there。　〃If　all　you're　saying　is　true；　then　you　had　no　choice；〃　I　said。
　〃But　you　are　still　angry　with　me。　You　will　still　punish　me　for　it。〃
　I　glared　up　at　him。　〃What　do　you　want　me　to　say？　That　knowing　you've　shoved　him　in　a　box　for　six　months　takes　the　sparkle　out　of　our　relationship？　Yeah；　it　bothers　me。〃
　〃Under　normal　circumstances　you　would　rescue　Damian　and　avoid　me　for　a　time　until　your　anger　cooled。〃
　I　nodded。　〃Yeah；　that's　about　right。〃
　〃But　you　will　need　me；　ma　petite；　in　these　first　few　nights。　You　will　need　another　vampire　with　the　same　hungers　to　teach　you　control。〃
　〃Can't　live　with　you；　can't　live　without　you；　is　that　it？〃
　〃I　hope　your　anger　cools　before　you　need　my　help　again；　but　I　fear　it　will　not。　Remember　this；　ma　petite；　that　the　ardeur　is　not　bound　by　morals；　or　even　by　your　preferences。　If　you　fight　it　long　enough；　hard　enough；　you　will　eventually　give　in；　and　it　will　be　out　of　your　control　who　it　chooses。　So　do　this　one　thing　for　me；　if　you　cannot　forgive　me　right　away；　keep　always　by　your　side　either　Nathaniel　or　the　Nimir…Raj。　Not　for　my　sake；　but　for　yours。　For　I　think；　of　the　two　of　us；　I　would　forgive　you　sooner　for　sleeping　with　strangers　than　you　would。〃
　We　pretty　much　left　the　conversation　there。　I　found　Asher　and　had　him　confirm　the　story。　Hell；　I　waited　for　Willie　McCoy　to　climb　out　of　his　coffin　and　heard　the　story　from　him。　Damian　had　gone　ape…shit　and　killed　a　couple　that　apparently　hit　him　with　their　car。　The　man　had　gotten　out　to　check　on　whoever　they　hit。　They　had　hurt　him　and　Damian　struck　out；　killing　the　man。　But　the　woman　。。。　he'd　climbed　into　the　car　after　her。　We　might　have　to　kill　him；　because　I　hadn't　understood　what　my　magic　meant　to　Damian。　I　hadn't　understood　a　lot　of　things。
　
　I　drove　out　in　the　soft　summer　dusk　with　Nathaniel　riding　beside　me。　It　had　been　a　very　long　day。　I　was　going　to　go　home　and　pick　up　Rafael　and　the　wererats；　and　Micah　and　his　pard。　He'd　left　a　number　at　the　shapeshifter　hospital；　and　I'd　called　for　it。　I　almost　didn't　call；　but　we　needed　backup　tonight。　My　embarrassment　was　a　small　price　to　pay。　If　I　had　been　in　contact　with　Jean…Claude　and　Richard　for　the　last　half　year；　I　probably　could　have　talked　Richard　out　of　doing　all　the　shit　he'd　done　to　his　pack。　I'd　e　home　to　try　and　reestablish　a　relationship；　or　two；　but　I　was　mostly　cleaning　up　the　mess　that　my　absence　had　made。　Richard　might　be　dead　at　the　full　moon；　and　Jacob；　Ulfric。　Damian　might　be　permanently　crazy　and　have　to　be　destroyed。　The　couple　that　had　hit　him　with　their　car　would　have　been　alive　if　I'd　known　what　the　hell　my　magic　was　doing。
　I'd　avoided　a　lot　of　Marianne's　teachings　because　it　was　too　much　like　pure　witchcraft　for　my　monotheistic　beliefs；　but　I　knew　now　that　I　had　to　understand　how　my　powers　worked。　I　couldn't　afford　to　be　squeamish。　God　kept　telling　me　I　was　okay　with　Him。　I　wasn't　evil。　But　at　some　level　I　didn't　believe　it。　At　some　level　I　thought　that　witchcraft；　raising　the　dead；　wasn't　very　Christian。　If　God　was　okay　with　me　doing　it；　then　what　was　my　problem？　I'd　prayed　about　it　often　enough　and　gotten　the　answer　more　than　once。　The　answer　was　to　do　it；　that　this　was　what　I　needed　to　be　doing。　If　God　was　for　it；　then　who　was　I　to　question　it？　Look　where　my　arrogance　had　gotten　us。　Two　dead；　one　crazy；　and　if　Richard　lost　the　pack　。。。　there'd　be　a　lot　more　dead。
　I　felt　a　quietness　inside　me　as　I　drove。　Usually　the　touch　of　God　is　golden　and　warm；　but　sometimes　when　I've　been　really　slow　and　not　picked　up　on　what　He's　wanted　for　me；　I　get　this　kind　of　quiet　sadness；　like　a　parent　watching　a　child　learn　a　necessary　hard　lesson。　I'd　never　once　prayed　to　God　about　Richard　and　Jean…Claude　　not　about　who　to　choose　anyway。　It　just　hadn't　seemed　right　to　ask　God　to　help　me　choose　a　lover；　especially　when　I　thought　I　knew　who　He'd　pick。　I　mean　vampires　are　evil；　right？
　But　driving　through　the　falling　darkness；　feeling　His　soft　presence　fill　the　car；　I　realized　that　I　hadn't　asked　because　I'd　been　afraid　of　the　answer。　I　drove　and　I　prayed；　and　I　didn't　get　an　answer；　but　I　knew　He　heard　me。
　
　20
　
　IT　WAS　FULL　dark　when　we　pulled　up　in　front　of　my　house。　Almost　every　light　in　the　house　was　on；　like　I　was　giving　a　party　and　no　one　had　bothered　to　tell　me。　The　driveway　was　full　and　overflowing　onto　the　road。　One　of　the　reasons　I'd　rented　the　house　was　because　I　had　no　near　neighbors　to　get　caught　up　in　whatever　crisis　I　was　having。　My　crises　usually　involved　gunfire；　so　no　neighbors　to　get　hurt　had　been　my　primary　requisite　in　a　house。　There　was　no　one　around　to　peek　out　a　window　and　wonder　what　the　hell　was　going　on　next　door。　Just　trees　and　the　lonely　road；　neither　of　which　cared　what　I　did。　Or　at　least　I　didn't　think　the　trees　cared；　though　Marianne　might　tell　me　I'm　wrong　on　that　one。　You　never　know。
　I　ended　up　parking　quite　a　ways　down　from　the　house；　with　nothing　but　trees　on　either　side　of　the　road。　I　turned　off　the　engine；　and　Nathaniel　and　I　sat　in　the　dark；　listening　to　the　engine　tick。　He　hadn't　said　much　since　I　came　back　out　of　the　bathroom　at　Jean…Claude's　　nothing　at　all　on　the　forty…minute　drive　here。　But　then；　neither　had　I。
　I'd　left　Jean…Claude　in　a　huff　with　a　firm　date　to　e　back　tomorrow　night　and　get　Damian　out　of　hock。　It　wasn't　just　Damian　locked　away　all　these　months　that　made　me　not　want　to　be　with　Jean…Claude；　it　was　that　he　had　finally　changed　me　into　one　of　the　monsters。　I　already　knew　that　sex　with　him　bound　the　marks　closer；　but　now　that　the　marks　were　married　。。。　what　would　sex　do　to　us　now？　How　much　closer　could　the　marks　bind　us　all？　Was　it　just　changes　with　Jean…Claude；　or　did　I　have　mystical　surprises　ing　up　tonight　with　Richard；　too？　Chances　were　likely；　and　Jean…Claude　really　had　no　clue　what　the　surprises　might　be。　He　didn't　know　what　he　was　doing。　He　really　didn't。　Since　I　didn't　know　what　the　hell　I　was　doing　either；　and　Richard　had　no　clue。　That　left　us　in　a　bad　place。　I'd　call　Marianne　tomorrow　on　the　theory　that　one　magic　is　much　like　another；　but　until　then　I　was　on　my　own。　Big　surprise。
　Of　course；　I　wasn't　exactly　alone。　I　looked　across　the　front　seat　at　Nathaniel。　He　looked　back　at　me；　face　peaceful；　hands　in　his　lap；　seat　belt　still　in　place。　He'd　pulled　his　hair　back　into　a　thick　braid；　leaving　his　face　very　plain　and　unadorned。　In　the　moonlight　his　eyes　looked　pale　gray；　instead　of　their　usual　vibrant　violet。　Without　the　hair　or　the　eyes　showing；　he　looked　closer　to　normal　than　I'd　ever　seen　him。　He　was　suddenly　a　person　sitting　across　from　me；　and　I　realized　with　a　shock　that　I　didn't　really　think　of　Nathaniel　as　a　person。　Not　as　a　grown…up　separate　human　being　kind　of　person　anyway。　He　was　more　a　burden　than　a　person　to　me。　Someone　to　be　rescued；　helped。　He　was　a　cause；　a　project；　but　not　a　person。
　The　heat　began　to　press　in　around　the　Jeep。　If　we　sat　here　much　longer　I'd　have　to　turn　the　air　conditioning　back　on。　If　Jean…Claude　was　right；　then　I'd　had　sex　with　Nathaniel　earlier　tonight。　I　was　hoping　Jean…Claude　wasn't　right；　because　I　still　considered　Nathaniel　a　child；　an　abused　child。　You　took　care　of　them；　you　did　not　have　sex　with　them；　not　even　if　they　wanted　you　to。
　My　breast　was　aching；　faintly；　from　his　teeth　marks。　We'd　shared　a　bed　so　often　that　it　felt　odd　when　he　wasn't　beside　me。　But　I　still　didn't　see　him　as　a　grown…up。　Sad；　but　true。
　〃Jean…Claude　is　pretty　sure　that　the　ardeur　is　well　fed　enough　that　it　won't　be　an　issue　for　the　rest　of　the　night；〃　I　said。
　Nathaniel　nodded。　〃You　won't　need　to　feed　again　until　you've　slept　for　a　few　hours。　Jean…Claude　explained　it　to　me；　a　little。〃
　That　pissed　me　off。　〃He　did；　did　he？〃
　He　shook　his　head。　〃Anita；　he's　worried　about　you。〃
　〃I'll　bet。〃
　〃You　really　aren't　going　to　sleep　at　the　Circus　tonight；　are　you？〃
　〃No；〃　I　said。　I　was　sitting　back　in　the　seat　with　my　arms　crossed　over　my　stomach。　I'm　sure　I　looked　as　stubborn　as　I　felt。
　〃And　when　you　get　up　tomorrow；　what　then？〃　His　voice　was　very　soft　in　the　hot；　dark　car。
　〃I　don't　know　what　you　mean。〃
　〃Yes；　you　do；〃　he　said。
　I　sighed。　〃I　don't　want　to　do　this；　Nathaniel。　I　don't　want　to　have　Jean…Claude's　incubus　inside　me。　I'd　rather　be　Nimir…Ra　for　real　than　have　to　feed　off　of　others。〃
　〃And　if　you're　both？〃　he　asked；　voice　even　softer。
　I　shrugged；　arms　still　crossed；　but　hugging　me　more　than　being　stubborn　now。　〃I　don't　know。〃
　〃I'll　be　there　for　you；　Anita。〃
　〃Be　where？〃　I　looked　at　him。
　〃Tomorrow；　when　you　wake。〃
　〃What　else　did　Jean…Claude　tell　you　while　I　was　running　around　trying　to　find　out　about　Damian？〃
　Nathaniel's　gaze　never　wavered；　never　changed。　He　wasn't　embarrassed　or　bothered　in　the　least　about　the　conversation。　〃That　he　wouldn't　hold　a　grudge　if　you　had　real　sex　with　me。〃
　I　studied　his　face。　〃You　don't　consider　what　we　did　today　sex？〃　I　made　it　half…question；　half…statement。
　〃No；〃　he　said。
　〃I　don't　either；　but　。。。　〃　I　was　glad　it　was　dark；　because　I　was　blushing；　but　damn　it　I　wanted　someone　else　to　answer　this　question。　〃I　know　why　I　don't　think　today　was　actual　sex；　but　why　don't　you？〃
　He　smiled　and　d