dk.coldfire-第59部分

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　seemed　like　a　tactic　to　delay　their　arrival　at　the　farm。　But　she　realized　now　that　the　tour　had　contained　the　most　important　revelations　he　had　made　to　her。　Each　nostalgic　landmark　was　a　key　to　the　past　and　to　the　remaining　mysteries　that；　once　unlocked；　would　make　it　possible　for　her　to　help　him。　
　He　wanted　help。　A　part　of　him　understood　that　he　was　sick；　trapped　in　a　schizophrenic　fantasy；　and　he　wanted　out。　She　just　hoped　that　he　would　suppress　The　Enemy　until　they　had　time　to　learn　what　they　needed　to　know。　That　darkest　splinter　of　his　mind　did　not　want　her　to　succeed；　her　success　would　be　its　death；　and　to　save　itself；　it　would　destroy　her　if　it　got　the　chance。　
　If　she　and　Jim　were　to　have　a　life　together；　or　any　life　at　all；　their　future　lay　in　the　past；　and　the　past　lay　in　New　Svenborg。　
　She　swung　the　wheel　hard　right；　began　to　turn　around　to　head　out　of　the　driveway　to　the　county　road…then　stopped。　She　looked　at　the　windmill　again。　
　Jim　had　to　be　part　of　his　own　cure。　She　could　not　track　down　the　truth　and　make　him　believe　it。　He　had　to　see　it　himself。　
　She　loved　him。　
　She　was　afraid　of　him。　
　She　couldn't　do　anything　about　the　love；　that　was　just　part　of　her　now；　like　blood　or　bone　or　sinew。　But　almost　any　fear　could　be　overe　by　confronting　the　cause　of　it。　
　Wondering　at　her　own　courage；　she　drove　back　along　the　graveled　path　to　the　foot　of　the　windmill。　She　pumped　three　long　blasts　from　the　horn；　then　three　more；　waited；a　few　seconds　and　hit　it　again；　again。　
　Jim　appeared　in　the　doorway。　He　came　out　into　the　gray　morning　light；　squinting　at　her。　
　Holly　opened　her　door　and　stepped　out　of　the　car。　〃You　awake？〃　〃Do　I　look　like　I'm　sleepwalking？〃　he　asked　as　he　approached　her。　
　〃What's　going　on？〃　〃I　want　to　be　damn　sure　you're　awake；　fully　awake。〃　
　He　stopped　a　few　feet　away。　〃Why　don't　we　open　the　hood；　I'll　put　my　head　under　it；　then　you　can　let　out　maybe　a　two…minute　blast；　just　to　be　sure。　Holly；　what's　going　on？〃　〃We　have　to　talk。　Get　in。〃　
　Frowning；　he　went　around　to　the　passenger's　side　and　got　into　the　Ford　with　her。　
　When　he　settled　into　the　passenger's　seat；　he　said；　〃This　isn't　going　to　be　pleasant；　is　it？〃　〃No。　Not　especially。〃　
　In　front　of　them；　the　sails　of　the　windmill　stuttered。　They　began　to　turn　slowly；　with　much　clattering　and　creaking；　shedding　chunks　and　splinters　of　rotten　vanes。　
　〃Stop　it；〃　she　said　to　Jim；　afraid　that　the　turning　sails　were　only　a　prelude　to　a　manifestation　of　The　Enemy。　〃I　know　you　don't　want　to　hear　what　I　have　to　say；　but　don't　try　to　distract　me；　don't　try　to　stop　me。〃　
　He　did　not　respond。　He　stared　with　fascination　at　the　mill；　as　if　he　had　not　heard　her。　
　The　speed　of　the　sails　increased。　
　〃Jim；　damn　it！〃　At　last　he　looked　at　her；　genuinely　baffled　by　the　anger　underlying　her　fear。　〃What？〃　Around；　around；　around…around…around；　aroundaroundaround。　It　turned　like　a　haunted　Ferris　wheel　in　a　carnival　of　the　damned。　
　〃Shit！〃　she　said；　her　fear　accelerating　with　the　pace　of　the　windmill　sails。　
　She　put　the　car　in　reverse；　looked　over　her　shoulder；　and　backed　at　high　speed　around　the　pond。　
　〃Where　are　we　going？〃　he　asked。　
　〃Not　far。〃　
　Since　the　windmill　lay　at　the　center　of　Jim's　delusion；　Holly　thought　it　was　a　good　idea　to　put　it　out　of　sight　while　they　talked。　
　She　swung　the　car　around；　drove　to　the　end　of　the　driveway；　and　parked　facing　out　toward　the　county　road。　
　She　cranked　down　her　window；　and　he　followed　suit。　
　Switching　off　the　engine；　she　turned　more　directly　toward　him。　In　spite　of　everything　she　now　knew…or　suspected…about　him；　she　wanted　to　touch　his　face；　smooth　his　hair；　hold　him。　He　elicited　a　mothering　urge　from　her　of　which　she　hadn't　even　known　she'd　been　capable…just　as　he　engendered　in　her　an　erotic　response　and　passion　that　were　beyond　anything　she　had　experienced　before。　
　Yeah；　she　thought；　and　evidently　he　engenders　in　you　a　suicidal　tendency。　Jesus；　Thorne；　the　guy　as　much　as　said　he'll　kill　you！　But　he　also　had　said　he　loved　her。　
　Why　wasn't　anything　easy？　She　said；　〃Before　I　get　into　it。　。　。　I　want　you　to　understand　that　I　love　you；　Jim。〃　It　was　the　dumbest　line　in　the　world。　It　sounded　so　insincere。　
　Words　were　inadequate　to　describe　the　real　thing；　partly　because　the　feeling　ran　deeper　than　she　had　ever　imagined　it　would；　and　partly　because　it　was　not　a　single　emotion　but　was　mixed　up　with　other　things　like　anxiety　and　hope。　She　said　it　again　anyway：　〃I　really　do　love　you。〃　
　He　reached　for　her　hand；　smiling　at　her　with　obvious　pleasure。　
　You're　wonderful；　Holly。〃　
　Which　was　not　exactly　I…love…you…too…Holly；　but　that　was　okay。　She　didn't　harbor　romance…novel　expectations。　It　was　not　going　to　be　that　simple。　Being　in　love　with　Jim　Ironheart　was　like　being　in　love　simultaneously　with　the　tortured　Max　de　Winter　from　Rebecca；　Superman；　and　jack　Nicholson　in　any　role　he'd　ever　played。　Though　it　wasn't　easy；　it　wasn't　dull　either。　
　〃The　thing　is；　when　I　was　paying　my　motel　bill　yesterday　morning　and　you　were　sitting　in　the　car　watching　me；　I　realized　you　hadn't　said　you　loved　me。　I　was　going　off　with　you；　putting　myself　in　your　hands；　and　you　hadn't　said　the　words。　But　then　I　realized　I　hadn't　said　them　either；　I　was　playing　it　just　as　cool；　holding　back　and　protecting　myself　Well；　I'm　not　holding　back　any　more；　I'm　walking　out　on　that　highwire　with　no　net　below…and　largely　because　you　told　me　you　loved　me　last　night。　So　you　better　have　meant　it。〃　
　A　quizzical　expression　overtook　him。　
　She　said；　〃I　know　you　don't　remember　saying　it；　but　you　did。　You　have　problems　with　the　L'　word。　Maybe　because　you　lost　your　folks　when　you　were　so　young；　you're　afraid　to　get　close　to　anyone　for　fear　of　losing　them；　too。　Instant　analysis。　Holly　Freud。　Anyway；　you　did　tell　me　you　loved　me；　and　I'll　prove　it　in　a　little　while；　but　right　now；　before　I　get　into　this　mess；　I　want　you　to　know　I　never　imagined　I　could　feel　about　anyone　the　way　I　feel　about　you。　So　if　whatever　I　say　to　you　in　the　next　few　minutes　is　hard　to　take；　even　impossible　to　take；　just　know　where　it　es　from；　only　from　love；　from　nothing　else。〃　
　He　stared　at　her。　〃Yeah；　all　right。　But　Holly；　this〃　〃You'll　get　your　turn。〃　She　leaned　across　the　seat；　kissed　him；　then　pulled　back。　
　〃Right　now；　you've　got　to　listen。〃　
　She　told　him　everything　she　had　theorized；　why　she　had　crept　out　of　the　mill　while　he'd　been　asleep…and　why　she　had　returned。　He　listened　with　growing　disbelief；　and　she　repeatedly　cut　off　his　protests　by　lightly　squeezing　his　hand；　putting　a　hand　to　his　lips；　or　giving　him　a　quick　kiss。　The　answer…tablet；　which　she　produced　from　the　back　seat；　stunned　him　and　rendered　his　objections　less　vehement。　
　BECAUSE　HE　LOOKS　LIKE　MY　FATHER　WHOM　I　FAILED　TO　SAVE。　His　hands　shook　as　he　held　the　tablet　and　stared　at　that　incredible　line。　He　turned　back　to　the　other　surprising　messages；　repeated　page　after　page…HE　LOVES　YOU　HOLLY。　HE　WILL　KILL　YOU　HOLLY…and　the　tremors　in　his　hands　became　even　more　severe。　
　〃I　would　never　harm　you；〃　he　said　shakily；　staring　down　at　the　tablet。　
　〃Never。〃　
　〃I　know　you'd　never　want　to。〃　
　Dr。　Jekyll　had　never　wanted　to　be　the　murderous　Mr。　Hyde。　
　〃But　you　think　I　sent　you　this；　not　The　Friend。〃　
　〃I　know　you　did；　Jim。　It　feels　right。〃　
　〃So　if　The　Friend　sent　it　but　the　The　Friend　is　me；　a　part　of　me；　then　you　believe　it　really　says　I　love　you　Holly。'〃　〃Yes；〃　she　said　softly。　
　He　looked　up　from　the　tablet；　met　her　eyes。　〃If　you　believe　the　I…love…you　part；　why　don't　you　believe　the　I…will…kill…you　part？〃　〃Well；　that's　the　thing。　I　do　believe　a　small；　dark　part　of　you　wants　to　kill　me；　yes。〃　
　He　flinched　as　if　she　had　struck　him。　
　She　said；　〃The　Enemy　wants　me　dead；　it　wants　me　dead　real　bad；　because　I've　made　you　face　up　to　what's　behind　these　recent　events；　brought　you　back　here；　forced　you　to　confront　the　source　of　your　fantasy。〃　
　He　started　to　shake　his　head　in　denial。　
　But　she　went　on：　〃Which　is　what　you　wanted　me　to　do。　It's　why　you　drew　me　to　you　in　the　first　place。〃　
　〃No。　I　didn't〃　〃Yes；　you　did。〃　Pushing　him　toward　enlightenment　was　extremely　dangerous。　But　that　was　her　only　hope　of　saving　him。　
　〃Jim；　if　you　can　just　understand　what's　happened；　accept　the　existence　of　two　other　personalities；　even　the　possibility　of　their　existence；　maybe　that'll　be　the　beginning　of　the　end　of　The　Friend　and　The　Enemy。〃　
　Still　shaking　his　head；　he　said；　〃The　Enemy　won't　go　peacefully；〃　and　immediately　blinked　in　surprise　at　the　words　he　had　spoken　and　the　implication　that　they　conveyed。　
　〃Damn；〃　Holly　said；　and　a　thrill　coursed　through　her；　not　merely　because　he　had　just　confirmed　her　entire　theory；　whether　he　could　admit　it　or　not；　but　because　the　five　words　he　had　spoken　were　proof　that　he　wanted　out　of　the　Byzantine　fantasy　in　which　he　had　taken　refuge。　
　He　was　as　pale　as　a　man　who　had　just　been　told　that　a　cancer　was　growing　in　him。　In　fact　a　malignancy　did　reside　within　him；　but　it　was　mental　rather　than　physical。　
　A　breeze　wafted　through　the　open　car　windows；　and　it　seemed　to　wash　new　hope　into　Holly。　
　That　buoyant　feeling　was　short…lived；　however；　because　new　words　suddenly　appeared　on　the　tablet　in　Jim's　hands：　YOU　DIE。　
　〃This　isn't　me；〃　he　told　her　earnestly；　in　spite　of　the　subtle　admission　he　had　made　a　moment　ago。　〃Holly；　this　can't　be　me。〃　
　On　the　tablet；　more　words　appeared：　I　AM　ING。　YOU　DIE。　
　Holly　felt　as　if　the　world　had　bee　a　carnival　funhouse；　full　of　ghouls　and　ghosts。　Every　turn；　any　moment；　without　warning；　something　might　spring　at　her　from　out　of　a　shadow…or　from　broad　daylight；　for　that　matter。　But　unlike　a　carnival　monster；　this　one　would　inflict　real　pain；　draw　blood；　kill　her　if　it　could。　
　In　hopes　that　The　Enemy；　like　The　Friend；　would　respond　well　to　firmness；　Holly　grabbed　the　tablet　from　Jim's　hand　and　threw　it　out　the　window。　
　〃To　hell　with　that。　I　won't　read　that　crap。　
　Listen　to　me；　Jim。　If　I'm　right；　The　Enemy　is　the　embodiment　of　your　rage　over　the　deaths　of　your　parents。　Your　fury　was　so　great；　at　ten；　it　terrified　you；　so　you　pushed　it　outside　yourself；　into　this　other　identity。　But　you're　a　unique　victim　of　multiple…personality　syndrome　because　your　power　allows　you　to　create　phy