pzb.drawingblood-第50部分

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nt　in　Birdland。　He　finished　his　Coke　and　walked　slowly　down　the　hall；　past　the　bedrooms；　into　the　studio。　The　light　in　here　was　clear；　green；　pure　in　a　way　that　only　late　afternoons　in　summer　can　be。　He　ran　his　hand　over　the　scarred　surface　of　the　drawing　table。　He　stared　at　the　drawings　tacked　to　the　wall。
　　Then；　without　quite　knowing　he　was　going　to　do　it；　Trevor　thrust　out　both　hands　and　tore　two　of　them　down　and　started　ripping　at　them。　The　paper　crumbled　between　his　fingers；　dry；　brittle；　helpless。　Destroying　artwork　was　a　taboo　almost　as　strong　to　him　as　murder。　The　sensation　was　heady；　intoxicating。
　　〃HOW　DO　YOU　LIKE　IT？〃　he　yelled　into　the　empty　room。　〃HOW　DO　YOU　LIKE　SEEING　YOURSELF　TORN　APART？　DO　YOU　EVEN　CARE　ANYMORE？〃
　　The　silence　was　deafening。　The　last　crumbs　of　paper　sifted　from　his　hands。　Trevor　suddenly　felt　very　tired。
　　He　went　into　his　bedroom　and　lay　down　on　the　mattress。　The　light　in　here　was　dim；　more　blue　than　green；　the　kudzu　so　thick　it　was　like　having　the　shades　drawn。　The　rumpled　blanket　and　pillow　were　permeated　with　a　unique　blend　of　his　scent　and　Zach's；　a　third　scent　that　had　never　existed　in　the　world　before　yesterday　morning；　a　scent　part　musk；　part　herb；　part　salt。
　　He　touched　his　penis。　The　skin　felt　stretched；　tender；　nearly　sore。　The　things　he　had　done　with　Zach　were　like　nothing　he　had　ever　imagined。　He　loved　the　raw　physical　intimacy　of　it；　the　utter　sense　of　connection。　He　thought　about　having　Zach　inside　him；　wondered　if　it　would　hurt　and　realized　that　he　didn't　care；　he　wanted　it　anyway。
　　Hugging　the　pillow　to　him；　imagining　his　lover's　body　linked　inextricably　with　his　own；　he　slept。
　　
　　At　the　Sacred　Yew；　Gumbo　was　running　through　the　last　few　songs　of　their　set。　As　promised；　Zach　had　memorized　the　lyrics　Terry　had　written　down　for　him；　then　learned　to　sing　them　with　R。J。　singing　along　softly　to　cue　him。　R。J。's　voice　wasn't　awful；　but　it　was　a　flat　kid's　voice　that　had　never　been　meant　to　front　a　band。　Zach　decided　his　own　voice　had　been　meant　for　just　that　purpose。　On　the　songs　he　hadn't　learned；　he　made　up　his　own　words。
　　Terry　gave　his　cymbals　a　final　crash　and　brandished　his　sticks　in　the　air。　〃Let's　knock　it　off；〃　said　R。J。　〃It's　not　gonna　get　any　better　than　that。〃
　　Zach　had　shed　his　T…shirt　at　some　point　during　the　rehearsal。　His　chest　was　streaked　with　sweat　and　his　own　grimy　fingerprints　where　he　had　clawed　at　himself　with　one　hand　while　he　clutched　at　the　mike　stand　or　gesticulated　wildly　with　the　other。　He　had　snarled　his　hair　around　his　fingers　as　he　sang；　pulled　at　it　until　it　stood　out　in　a　hundred　directions。
　　He　saw　Calvin　looking　at　him　and　grinned。　〃What　do　you　think？〃
　　Calvin's　eyes　were　brazen。　〃About　what？〃
　　〃My　highly　original　vocal　style；　of　course。〃
　　〃Of　course。〃　The　guitarist　let　his　gaze　slide　from　Zach's　face　to　his　chest　to　his　midsection；　then　back　up　again　just　as　slowly。　〃I　think　it's　very　attractive。〃
　　〃How　old　are　you？〃
　　〃Twenty…three。〃
　　〃Will　you　buy　me　a　beer　and　pour　it　in　a　cup？〃
　　〃Why；　of　course　I　will。〃　Calvin　grinned　evilly。　〃But　only　if　you　buy　the　next　round。〃
　　〃Hell；　I'll　buy　this　one。〃　Zach　pulled　a　five　out　of　his　pocket　and　held　it　out　to　Calvin。　〃Leave　the　change　for　Kinsey。〃
　　Calvin　waved　the　money　away。　〃My　treat。〃
　　Terry　came　over　to　the　edge　of　the　stage　toweling　his　hair　dry　with　his　bandanna；　sucking　some　kind　of　throat　lozenge。　The　sharp　odor　of　menthol　hung　around　his　head　like　an　invisible　cloud。　〃That　was　some　heavy　mind　groove；　Zach。　You're　quite　a　crazed　front　man。〃
　　〃Thanks。　You　guys　are　pretty　crazed　yourselves。〃
　　〃Yeah；　we　try。　You　wanna　e　over　for　a　shower　and　a　toke？　I　can　drop　you　off　afterward。〃
　　Calvin　came　back　with　two　sloshing　plastic　cups。　Their　fingers　touched　damply　as　he　handed　Zach　one。　〃Where　are　y'all　going？〃
　　〃To　my　house；〃　Terry　told　him　hoarsely。
　　〃Can　I　e？〃
　　〃No。　Go　home　and　take　a　nap。　I　know　you　were　up　until　dawn　eating　mushrooms　last　night。〃
　　〃That's　okay。　I'm　going　to　eat　'em　again　tonight。〃
　　Terry　rolled　his　eyes。　〃Great。　Can　you　wait　until　after　the　show？〃
　　〃Maybe。〃　Calvin's　gaze　sought　out　Zach's；　fairly　sparkling　with　wickedness。　〃It　depends　on　what's　happening　after　the　show。〃
　　For　the　first　time；　Zach　felt　a　spark　of　annoyance　toward　Calvin。　He　was　cute　as　hell；　he　played　a　mean　guitar；　and　he　obviously　entertained　a　healthy　lust　for　Zach。　But　he　also　obviously　didn't　give　a　damn　about　Trevor。
　　Well；　maybe　Calvin　just　hadn't　picked　up　on　the　fact　that　they　were　together。　Zach　didn't　mind　the　attention　or　the　free　beer。　Calvin　probably　meant　no　harm；　and　if　he　did；　that　was　too　bad。
　　But　Zach　saw　no　reason　to　piss　off　his　new　bandmate　if　he　didn't　have　to。　Calvin　might　even　have　extra　mushrooms；　Zach　thought；　and　be　willing　to　share　or　sell　some。
　　And　he　was　awfully　cute。
　　
　　Trevor　woke　alone　in　the　dark　bedroom。　For　a　moment　he　could　not　feel　the　mattress　under　him；　could　not　even　be　sure　he　lay　on　a　solid　surface；　he　might　have　been　spinning　in　some　directionless　black　void。　Then　gradually　the　dim　square　of　the　window　became　visible；　and　the　larger　rectangle　of　the　closet。　He　became　conscious　of　the　empty　space　on　the　other　side　of　the　mattress。　Zach　hadn't　e　back　yet。
　　If　it　was　nearly　full　dark；　the　time　must　be　well　after　seven。　Trevor　wondered　where　Zach　was；　what　he　was　doing　right　now。　Was　he　still　at　the　club；　enjoying　the　cheerful；　rowdy　pany　of　the　other　musicians　after　having　spent　so　many　intense　hours　with　Trevor？　Was　he　wishing　he　had　hooked　up　instead　with　exotic　Calvin；　who　played　the　guitar　and　wore　silver　charms　in　his　ears；　who　would　not　have　needed　showing　how　to　make　love？
　　What　if　he　has？　What　if　Calvin　offered　him　a　ride　home；　and　their　eyes　met　in　some　perfect　understanding　that　I　could　never　fathom；　and　halfway　here　they　pulled　off　the　road　and　Calvin　gave　him　a　blowjob　in　the　car？　What　if　it's　happening　right　now？　His　hands　twined　in　Calvin's　bleachy…fine　hair；　his　back　arching　just　like　it　did　for　me；　his　smooth　sweet　boner　fitting　as　perfectly　in　Calvin's　mouth　as　it　did　in　mine。　What　if　he　never　es　back？
　　Trevor　brought　his　left　hand　to　his　lips；　sank　his　teeth　into　the　fold　of　skin　at　the　wrist。　The　pain　cleared　his　mind　a　little；　made　the　paranoid　fantasies　stop　racing　faster　than　he　could　talk　himself　out　of　them。　He　knew　Zach　wasn't　with　Calvin。　But　he　also　knew　that；　under　other　circumstances；　Zach　might　have　been。　Irrational　as　it　was；　that　hurt　too。
　　Faintly　he　heard　a　car　pulling　up　outside；　a　single　door　slamming。　Then　Zach's　footsteps　were　crossing　the　porch；　Zach　was　feeling　his　way　across　the　dark　living　room。　Trevor　heard　him　bang　into　something；　curse；　and　stop。　〃Trev？〃　he　called　uncertainly。
　　You　don't　have　to　answer。　You　could　just　leave　him　standing　there；　alone　in　the　dark。
　　STOP　IT！　he　ordered　himself。　Where　in　hell　had　that　thought　e　from？　〃In　here；〃　he　called。
　　Light　flooded　the　hall；　sliced　across　the　bedroom。　Zach　came　in；　sat　on　the　bed　and　hugged　Trevor　through　the　blanket。　Trevor　rolled　over　and　hugged　back。　Zach's　hair　was　damp；　and　he　smelled　of　soap　and　shampoo　and　deliciously　clean　skin。
　　〃You　took　a　shower？〃
　　〃Yeah。　At　Terry's。　He's　got　a　cool　bathtub；　this　big　old…fashioned　deal　up　on　claw　feet。〃
　　Obscure　relief　flooded　through　Trevor　as　he　remembered　Terry's　claw…footed　tub。　Trust；　he　reminded　himself。　But　trust　had　not　been　a　part　of　his　life　for　twenty　years；　it　wasn't　going　to　e　unconditionally　in　a　couple　of　days。
　　Zach's　hands　strayed　beneath　the　blanket。　〃I　don't　have　to　be　back　at　the　club　for　a　couple　of　hours。〃
　　〃You　never　slow　down；　do　you？〃
　　〃No；〃　Zach　admitted；　〃not　if　I　have　a　choice。〃
　　〃Could　you　just　e　under　the　covers　here　and　hold　me？〃
　　〃No　problem。〃　Zach　kicked　off　his　sneakers；　slid　out　of　his　clothes；　and　snuggled　in　next　to　Trevor。　He　draped　an　arm　across　Trevor's　chest；　rested　his　head　on　Trevor's　shoulder。　His　body　was　relaxed　and　very　warm。
　　〃Ohhhh；〃　he　moaned。　〃You　feel　so　good。　Don't　let　me　fall　asleep。〃
　　〃You　can　if　you　want　to；〃　Trevor　told　him。　〃I　just　got　done　sleeping。　I'll　wake　you　up　in　an　hour。〃
　　〃Are　you　sure？〃
　　〃I've　never　had　trouble　keeping　awake。〃
　　〃Will　you　stay　here　and　hold　me？〃
　　〃Absolutely。〃
　　〃Mmmm。〃　Zach　heaved　a　deep；　contented　sigh。　〃I　love　you；　Trev　。　。　。　you're　the　best　thing　that's　ever　happened　to　me。〃　He　drifted　quickly　into　sleep；　and　Trevor　was　left　staring　into　the　dark；　facing　down　that　thought。
　　He　didn't　see　how　he　could　be　the　best　thing　that　had　ever　happened　to　anyone；　let　alone　someone　like　Zach。　His　life　had　been　starred　with　disaster。　He　was　probably　crazy。　He　couldn't　lean　on　anyone；　he　couldn't　be　strong　enough　for　anyone　to　lean　on。　Maybe　Trevor　McGee　could　have　been；　but　Trevor　Black　could　not。
　　Still；　Zach　had　said　it。　And　Trevor　didn't　think　Zach　had　been　telling　him　lies。
　　He　wondered　what　would　happen　if　Zach　had　to　leave。　Would　he　want　Trevor　to　go　with　him？　And　if　he　did；　could　Trevor　go？　Though　he　had　returned　to　the　house　thinking　he　might　die　here；　he　found　that　he　no　longer　wanted　to　die　at　all。　But　he　still　hadn't　found　what　he　had　e　looking　for。　Or　had　he？
　　You　came　back　looking　for　your　family。　Maybe　your　mistake　was　assuming　that　meant　Bobby；　Rosena；　and　Didi。　Kinsey　and　Terry　took　you　in；　showed　you　more　kindness　than　any　strangers　ever　have。　And　who　is　this　you　hold　in　your　arms　now；　if　not　family？
　　I　don't　want　him　to　go。　I　really　don't。
　　Then　Trevor　had　a　thought　that　made　his　heart　miss　a　beat；　made　the　spit　in　his　mouth　dry　up。　That　thought　was：　Maybe　Bobby　thought　Momma　was　getting　ready　to　leave　with　me　and　Didi。　And　maybe　he　didn't　want　us　to　go；　either。
　　Then　why　did　he　leave　me　alive？　Why　did　he　let　me　go？
　　Because　he　knew　you　were　an　artist。　That's　it；　somehow。　He　knew　you　would　e　back。　Artists　always　e　back　to　the　places　that　created　them　and　ruined　them。
　　Take　Charlie　Parker。　He　could　have　lived　out　his　middle　years　in　France；　where　American　jazz　musicians　were　treated　like　royalty；　where　racial　prejudice　was　almost　nonexistent；　where　the　heroin　was　strong　and　clean　and　there　were　no　hassles