the notebook-恋恋笔记本(英文版)-第20部分

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face　before　she　leaves。　I　say　nothing。

The　stars　are　out　tonight　and　the　crickets　are　singing。　As　I　sit；　I　wonder　if　anyone　outside　can　see　me；　this　prisoner　of　flesh。　I　search　the　courtyard；　looking　for　signs　of　life；　but　there　is　nothing。　Even　the　creek　is　still。　In　the　darkness　it　looks　like　empty　space　and　I　find　that　I'm　drawn　to　its　mystery。　I　watch　for　hours；　and　as　I　do　I　see　the　reflection　of　clouds　on　the　water。　A　storm　is　ing　and　in　time　the　sky　will　turn　silver；　like　dusk　again。

Lightning　cuts　the　wild　sky　and　I　feel　my　mind　drift　back。　Who　are　we；　Allie　and　I？　Are　we　ancient　ivy　on　a　cypress　tree；　tendrils　and　branches　intertwined　so　closely　that　we　would　both　die　if　we　were　forced　apart？　Another　bolt　and　the　table　beside　me　is　lit　enough　to　enable　me　to　see　a　picture　of　Allie；　the　best　one　I　have。　I　had　it　framed　years　ago　in　the　hope　that　the　glass　would　make　it　last　for　ever。　I　reach　for　it　and　hold　it　inches　from　my　face。　She　was　forty…one　when　it　was　taken；　and　she　had　never　been　more　beautiful。　There　are　so　many　things　I　want　to　ask　her；　but　I　know　the　picture　won't　answer；　so　I　put　it　aside。

I　finally　stand　and　walk　to　my　desk　and　turn　on　the　lamp。　This　takes　more　effort　than　I　think　it　will；　and　I　am　strained；　so　I　do　not　return　to　the　window　seat。　I　sit　down　and　spend　a　few　minutes　looking　at　the　pictures　on　my　desk。　Family　pictures；　pictures　of　children　and　vacations。　Pictures　of　Allie　and　me。

Since　this　seems　to　be　a　night　of　memories；　I　look　for　and　find　my　wedding　ring。　It　is　in　the　top　drawer；　wrapped　in　tissue。　I　cannot　wear　it　any　more　because　my　knuckles　are　swollen　and　my　fingers　lack　for　blood。　I　unwrap　the　tissue　and　find　it　unchanged。　It　is　powerful—a　symbol；　a　circle—and　I　know；　I　know；　there　could　never　have　been　another。　I　whisper　aloud；　〃I　am　still　yours；　Allie；　my　queen；　my　timeless　beauty。　You　are；　and　always　have　been；　the　best　thing　in　my　life。〃

It　is　eleven　thirty　and　I　look　for　the　letter　she　wrote　to　me；　the　one　I　read　when　the　mood　strikes　me。　I　find　it　where　I　last　left　it。　I　open　it　and　my　hands　begin　to　tremble：

Dear　Noah；

I　write　this　letter　by　candlelight　as　you　lie　sleeping　in　the　bedroom　we　have　shared　since　the　day　we　were　married。　I　see　the　flame　beside　me　and　it　reminds　me　of　another　fire　from　decades　ago；　with　me　in　your　soft　clothes；　and　I　knew　then　we　would　always　be　together；　even　though　I　wavered　the　following　day。　My　heart　had　been　captured　by　a　southern　poet；　and　I　knew　inside　that　it　had　always　been　yours。　Who　was　I　to　question　a　love　that　rode　on　shooting　stars　and　roared　like　crashing　waves？　For　that　is　what　it　was　between　us　then　and　that　is　what　it　is　today。

I　remember　ing　back　to　you　the　day　after　my　mother　left。　I　was　so　scared　because　I　was　sure　you　would　never　forgive　me　for　leaving　you。　I　was　shaking　as　I　got　out　of　the　car；　but　you　took　it　all　away　with　your　smile。　〃How　about　some　Coffee？〃　was　all　you　said。　And　you　never　brought　it　up　again　in　all　our　years　together。

Nor　did　you　question　me　when　I　would　leave　and　walk　alone　during　the　next　few　days。　When　I　came　in　with　tears　in　my　eyes；　you　always　knew　whether　I　needed　you　to　hold　me　or　to　just　let　me　be。　I　don't　know　how　but　you　did；　and　you　made　it　easier　for　me。　Later；　when　we　went　to　the　small　chapel　and　exchanged　our　rings　and　made　our　vows；　I　looked　into　your　eyes　and　knew　I　had　made　the　right　decision。　More　than　that；　I　knew　I　was　foolish　for　ever　considering　someone　else。　I　have　never　wavered　since。

We　had　a　wonderful　life　together；　and　I　think　about　it　a　lot　now。　I　close　my　eyes　sometimes　and　see　you　with　speckles　of　grey　in　your　hair；　sitting　on　the　porch　and　playing　your　guitar　while　little　ones　play　and　clap　to　the　music　you　create。　〃You're　a　better　father　than　you　know；〃　I　tell　you　later；　after　the　children　are　sleeping。

I　love　you　for　many　things；　especially　your　passions：　love　and　poetry　and　fatherhood　and　friendship　and　beauty　and　nature。　And　I　am　glad　you　have　taught　the　children　these　things；　for　I　know　their　lives　are　better　for　it。　They　tell　me　how　special　you　are　to　them；　and　it　makes　me　feel　like　the　luckiest　woman　alive。

You　have　taught　me　as　well；　and　inspired　me　and　supported　me　in　my　painting；　and　you　will　never　know　how　much　it　has　meant　to　me　that　you　were　always　there；　encouraging　me。　You　understood　my　need　for　my　own　studio；　my　own　space；　and　saw　beyond　the　paint　on　my　clothes　and　in　my　hair。　I　know　it　was　not　easy。　It　takes　a　man　to　do　that；　Noah；　to　live　with　something　like　that。　And　you　have。　For　forty…five　years　now。　Wonderful　years。

You　are　my　best　friend　as　well　as　my　lover；　and　I　do　not　know　which　side　of　you　I　enjoy　the　most。　I　treasure　each　side；　just　as　I　have　treasured　our　life　together。　You　have　something　inside　you；　Noah；　something　beautiful　and　strong。　Kindness；　that's　what　I　see　when　I　look　at　you　now；　that's　what　everyone　sees。　Kindness。

I　know　you　think　me　crazy　for　making　us　write　our　story　before　we　finally　leave　our　Home；　but　I　have　my　reasons　and　I　thank　you　for　your　patience。　I　never　told　you　why；　but　now　I　think　it　is　time　you　knew。　We　have　lived　a　lifetime　most　couples　never　know；　and　when　I　look　at　you　I　am　frightened　by　the　knowledge　that　all　this　will　be　ending　soon。　For　we　both　know　my　prognosis。　I　worry　more　about　you　than　I　do　about　me；　because　I　fear　the　pain　I　know　you　will　go　through。　There　are　no　words　to　express　my　sorrow　for　this。

I　love　you　so　deeply；　so　incredibly　much；　that　I　will　find　a　way　to　e　back　to　you　despite　my　disease；　I　promise　you　that。　And　this　is　where　the　story　es　in。　When　I　am　lost　and　lonely；　read　this　story—just　as　you　told　it　to　the　children—and　know　that　in　some　way　I　will　realize　it's　about　us。　And　perhaps；　just　perhaps；　we　will　find　a　way　to　be　together　again。

Please　don't　be　angry　with　me　on　days　I　do　not　remember　you—　we　both　know　they　will　e。　Know　that　I　will　always　love　you；　and　no　matter　what　happens；　know　that　I　have　led　the　greatest　life　possible。　My　life　with　you。

Noah；　wherever　you　are　and　whenever　you　read　this；　I　love　you。　I　love　you　deeply；　my　husband。　You　are；　and　always　have　been；　my　dream。

Allie

　

　　　　I　put　the　letter　aside；　rise　from　my　desk　and　find　my　slippers。　I　must　sit　to　put　them　on。　Then；　standing；　I　cross　the　room　and　open　my　door。　I　peep　down　the　hall　and　see　Janice　seated　at　the　main　desk　which　I　must　pass　to　get　to　Allie's　room。　At　this　hour　I　am　not　supposed　to　leave　my　room；　and　Janice　is　never　one　to　bend　the　rules。

　I　wait　to　see　if　she　will　leave；　but　she　does　not　and　I　grow　impatient。　I　finally　exit　my　room　anyway；　slow…shuffle；　slide…the…right；　slow…shuffle。　It　takes　aeons　to　close　the　distance；　but　for　some　reason　she　does　not　see　me　approaching。　I　am　a　silent　panther　creeping　through　the　jungle。　In　the　end　I　am　discovered；　but　I　am　not　surprised。　I　stand　before　her。

〃Noah；〃　she　says；　〃what　are　you　doing？〃

〃I'm　taking　a　walk；〃　I　say。　〃I　can't　sleep。〃

〃You　know　you're　not　supposed　to　do　this。〃

〃I　know。〃　I　don't　move；　though。　I　am　determined。

〃You're　not　really　going　for　a　walk；　are　you？　You're　going　to　see　Allie。〃

〃Yes；〃　I　answer。

〃Noah；　you　know　what　happened　the　last　time　you　saw　her　at　night。　You　shouldn't　be　doing　this。〃

〃I　miss　her。〃

〃I　know　you　do；　but　I　can't　let　you　see　her。〃

〃It's　our　anniversary；〃　I　say。　This　is　true。　It　is　one　year　before　gold。　Forty…nine　years　today。

〃I　see。〃　She　looks　away　for　a　moment；　and　her　voice　bees　softer。　I　am　surprised。　She　has　never　struck　me　as　the　sentimental　type。　〃Noah；　I've　seen　hundreds　of　couples　struggle　with　grief；　but　I've　never　seen　anyone　handle　it　like　you　do。　No　one　around　here　has　ever　seen　anything　like　it。〃　She　pauses　for　just　a　moment　and　her　eyes　begin　to　fill　with　tears。　〃I　try　to　think　what　it's　like　for　you；　how　you　keep　going　day　after　day；　but　I　can't　imagine　it。　I　don't　know　how　you　do　it。　You　even　beat　her　disease　sometimes。　Even　though　the　doctors　don't　understand　it；　we　nurses　do。　It's　love—it's　as　simple　as　that。　It's　the　most　incredible　thing　I've　ever　seen。〃

A　lump　has　risen　in　my　throat；　and　I　am　speechless。

〃But；　Noah；　you're　not　supposed　to　do　this；　and　I　can't　let　you。　So　go　back　to　your　room。〃　Then；　smiling；　sniffling　and　shuffling　some　papers；　she　says：　〃Me；　I'm　going　downstairs　for　some　Coffee。　I　won't　be　back　to　check　on　you　for　a　while；　so　don't　do　anything　foolish。〃

She　rises　quickly；　touches　my　arm　and　walks　towards　the　stairs。　She　doesn't　look　back　and　suddenly　I　am　alone。　I　look　at　where　she　had　been　sitting　and　see　her　Coffee；　a　full　cup；　still　steaming；　and　once　again　I　learn　that　there　are　good　people　in　the　world。

As　I　begin　my　trek　to　Allie's　room；　I　take　tiny　steps；　and　even　at　that　pace　my　legs　grow　tired。　I　find　I　must　touch　the　wall　to　keep　from　falling　down。　Lights　buzz　overhead；　their　fluorescent　glow　making　my　eyes　ache；　and　I　squint　a　little。　I　press　on；　and　the　movement　forces　blood　through　banished　arteries。　I　feel　myself　being　stronger　with　every　step。　A　phone　rings　in　the　nurses'　station；　and　I　push　forward　so　that　I　will　not　be　caught。　I　am　young　and　strong；　with　passion　in　my　heart；　and　I　will　break　down　the　door　and　lift　her　in　my　arms　and　carry　her　to　paradise。

Who　am　I　kidding？　I　lead　a　simple　life　now。　I　am　foolish；　an　old　man　in　love；　a　dreamer　who　dreams　of　nothing　but　reading　to　Allie　and　holding　her　whenever　I　can。　I　am　a　sinner　with　many　faults　and　a　man　who　believes　in　magic；　but　I　am　too　old　to　change　and　too　old　to　care。

When　I　finally　reach　her　room　my　body　is　weak。　My　legs　wobble；　my　eyes　are　blurred。　I　struggle　with　the　knob　and　in　the　end　it　takes　two　hands　and　three　truckloads　of　effort。　The　door　opens　and　light　from　the　hallway　spills　in；　illuminating　the　bed　where　she　sleeps。

She　is　lying　with　the　covers　halfway　up。　After　a　moment　I　see　her　roll　to　one　side；　and　her　noises　bring　back　memories　of　happier　times。　She　looks　small　in　her　bed。

I　do　not　move；　on　this　our　anniversary；　for　almost　a　minute；　and　I　long　to　tell　her　how　I　feel；　but　I　stay　quiet　so　I　won't　wake　her。　Besides；　it　is　written　on　the　slip　of　paper　that　I　will　slide　under　her　pillow。　It　says：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Love；　in　these