the country doctor-第39部分

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evil　done　in　the　course　of　it；　as　one　who　will　hide　nothing　from　you；　because　he　lives　so　far　from　the　world　of　to…day；　careless　of　the　judgements　of　man；　and　full　of　hope　in　God。〃

Benassis　stopped；　rose　to　his　feet；　and　said；　〃Before　I　begin　my　story；　I　will　order　tea。　Jacquotte　has　never　missed　asking　me　if　I　will　take　it　for　these　twelve　years　past；　and　she　will　certainly　interrupt　us。　Do　you　care　about　it；　captain？〃

〃No；　thank　you。〃

In　another　moment　Benassis　returned。



CHAPTER　IV

THE　COUNTRY　DOCTOR'S　CONFESSION

〃I　was　born　in　a　little　town　in　Languedoc；〃　the　doctor　resumed。　〃My　father　had　been　settled　there　for　many　years；　and　there　my　early　childhood　was　spent。　When　I　was　eight　years　old　I　was　sent　to　the　school　of　the　Oratorians　at　Sorreze；　and　only　left　it　to　finish　my　studies　in　Paris。　My　father　had　squandered　his　patrimony　in　the　course　of　an　exceedingly　wild　and　extravagant　youth。　He　had　retrieved　his　position　partly　by　a　fortunate　marriage；　partly　by　the　slow　persistent　thrift　characteristic　of　provincial　life；　for　in　the　provinces　people　pride　themselves　on　accumulating　rather　than　on　spending；　and　all　the　ambition　in　a　man's　nature　is　either　extinguished　or　directed　to　money…getting；　for　want　of　any　nobler　end。　So　he　had　grown　rich　at　last；　and　thought　to　transmit　to　his　only　son　all　the　cut…and…dried　experience　which　he　himself　had　purchased　at　the　price　of　his　lost　illusions；　a　noble　last　illusion　of　age　which　fondly　seeks　to　bequeath　its　virtues　and　its　wary　prudence　to　heedless　youth；　intent　only　on　the　enjoyment　of　the　enchanted　life　that　lies　before　it。

〃This　foresight　on　my　father's　part　led　him　to　make　plans　for　my　education　for　which　I　had　to　suffer。　He　sedulously　concealed　my　expectations　of　wealth　from　me；　and　during　the　fairest　years　of　my　youth　compelled　me；　for　my　own　good；　to　endure　the　burden　of　anxiety　and　hardship　that　presses　upon　a　young　man　who　has　his　own　way　to　make　in　the　world。　His　idea　in　so　doing　was　to　instill　the　virtues　of　poverty　into　mepatience；　a　thirst　for　learning；　and　a　love　of　work　for　its　own　sake。　He　hoped　to　teach　me　to　set　a　proper　value　on　my　inheritance；　by　letting　me　learn；　in　this　way；　all　that　it　costs　to　make　a　fortune；　wherefore；　as　soon　as　I　was　old　enough　to　understand　his　advice；　he　urged　me　to　choose　a　profession　and　to　work　steadily　at　it。　My　tastes　inclined　me　to　the　study　of　medicine。

〃So　I　left　Sorreze；　after　ten　years　of　almost　monastic　discipline　of　the　Oratorians；　and；　fresh　from　the　quiet　life　of　a　remote　provincial　school；　I　was　taken　straight　to　the　capital。　My　father　went　with　me　in　order　to　introduce　me　to　the　notice　of　a　friend　of　his；　and　（all　unknown　to　me）　my　two　elders　took　the　most　elaborate　precautions　against　any　ebullitions　of　youth　on　my　part；　innocent　lad　though　I　was。　My　allowance　was　rigidly　computed　on　a　scale　based　upon　the　absolute　necessaries　of　life；　and　I　was　obliged　to　produce　my　certificate　of　attendance　at　the　Ecole　de　Medecine　before　I　was　allowed　to　draw　my　quarter's　income。　The　excuse　for　this　sufficiently　humiliating　distrust　was　the　necessity　of　my　acquiring　methodical　and　business…like　habits。　My　father；　however；　was　not　sparing　of　money　for　all　the　necessary　expenses　of　my　education　and　for　the　amusements　of　Parisian　life。

〃His　old　friend　was　delighted　to　have　a　young　man　to　guide　through　the　labyrinth　into　which　I　had　entered。　He　was　one　of　those　men　whose　natures　lead　them　to　docket　their　thoughts；　feelings；　and　opinions　every　whit　as　carefully　as　their　papers。　He　would　turn　up　last　year's　memorandum　book；　and　could　tell　in　a　moment　what　he　had　been　doing　a　twelvemonth　since　in　this　very　month；　day；　and　hour　of　the　present　year。　Life；　for　him；　was　a　business　enterprise；　and　he　kept　the　books　after　the　most　approved　business　methods。　There　was　real　worth　in　him　though　he　might　be　punctilious；　shrewd；　and　suspicious；　and　though　he　never　lacked　specious　excuses　for　the　precautionary　measures　that　he　took　with　regard　to　me。　He　used　to　buy　all　my　books；　he　paid　for　my　lessons；　and　once；　when　the　fancy　took　me　to　learn　to　ride；　the　good　soul　himself　found　me　out　a　riding…school；　went　thither　with　me；　and　anticipated　my　wishes　by　putting　a　horse　at　my　disposal　whenever　I　had　a　holiday。　In　spite　of　all　this　cautious　strategy；　which　I　managed　to　defeat　as　soon　as　I　had　any　temptation　to　do　so；　the　kind　old　man　was　a　second　father　to　me。

〃　'My　friend；'　he　said；　as　soon　as　he　surmised　that　I　should　break　away　altogether　from　my　leading　strings；　unless　he　relaxed　them；　'young　folk　are　apt　to　commit　follies　which　draw　down　the　wrath　of　their　elders　upon　their　heads；　and　you　may　happen　to　want　money　at　some　time　or　other；　if　so；　come　to　me。　Your　father　helped　me　nobly　once　upon　a　time；　and　I　shall　always　have　a　few　crowns　to　spare　for　you；　but　never　tell　any　lies；　and　do　not　be　ashamed　to　own　to　your　faults。　I　myself　was　young　once；　we　shall　always　get　on　well　together；　like　two　good　comrades。'

〃My　father　found　lodgings　for　me　with　some　quiet；　middle…class　people　in　the　Latin　Quarter；　and　my　room　was　furnished　nicely　enough；　but　this　first　taste　of　independence；　my　father's　kindness；　and　the　self…　denial　which　he　seemed　to　be　exercising　for　me；　brought　me　but　little　happiness。　Perhaps　the　value　of　liberty　cannot　be　known　until　it　has　been　experienced；　and　the　memories　of　the　freedom　of　my　childhood　had　been　almost　effaced　by　the　irksome　and　dreary　life　at　school；　from　which　my　spirits　had　scarcely　recovered。　In　addition　to　this；　my　father　had　urged　new　tasks　upon　me；　so　that　altogether　Paris　was　an　enigma。　You　must　acquire　some　knowledge　of　its　pleasures　before　you　can　amuse　yourself　in　Paris。

〃My　real　position；　therefore；　was　quite　unchanged；　save　that　my　new　lycee　was　a　much　larger　building；　and　was　called　the　Ecole　de　Medecine。　Nevertheless；　I　studied　away　bravely　at　first；　I　attended　lectures　diligently；　I　worked　desperately　hard　and　without　relaxation；　so　strongly　was　my　imagination　affected　by　the　abundant　treasures　of　knowledge　to　be　gained　in　the　capital。　But　very　soon　I　heedlessly　made　acquaintances；　danger　lurks　hidden　beneath　the　rash　confiding　friendships　that　have　so　strong　a　charm　for　youth；　and　gradually　I　was　drawn　into　the　dissipated　life　of　the　capital。　I　became　an　enthusiastic　lover　of　the　theatre；　and　with　my　craze　for　actors　and　the　play；　the　work　of　my　demoralization　began。　The　stage；　in　a　great　metropolis；　exerts　a　very　deadly　influence　over　the　young；　they　never　quit　the　theatre　save　in　a　state　of　emotional　excitement　almost　always　beyond　their　power　to　control；　society　and　the　law　seem　to　me　to　be　accessories　to　the　irregularities　brought　about　in　this　way。　Our　legislation　has　shut　its　eyes；　so　to　speak；　to　the　passions　that　torment　a　young　man　between　twenty　and　five…and…twenty　years　of　age。　In　Paris　he　is　assailed　by　temptations　of　every　kind。　Religion　may　preach　and　Law　may　demand　that　he　should　walk　uprightly；　but　all　his　surroundings　and　the　tone　of　those　about　him　are　so　many　incitements　to　evil。　Do　not　the　best　of　men　and　the　most　devout　women　there　look　upon　continence　as　ridiculous？　The　great　city；　in　fact；　seems　to　have　set　herself　to　give　encouragement　to　vice　and　to　this　alone；　for　a　young　man　finds　that　the　entrance　to　every　honorable　career　in　which　he　might　look　for　success　is　barred　by　hindrances　even　more　numerous　than　the　snares　that　are　continually　set　for　him；　so　that　through　his　weaknesses　he　may　be　robbed　of　his　money。

〃For　a　long　while　I　went　every　evening　to　some　theatre；　and　little　by　little　I　fell　into　idle　ways。　I　grew　more　and　more　slack　over　my　work；　even　my　most　pressing　tasks　were　apt　to　be　put　off　till　the　morrow；　and　before　very　long　there　was　an　end　of　my　search　after　knowledge　for　its　own　sake；　I　did　nothing　more　than　the　work　which　was　absolutely　required　to　enable　me　to　get　through　the　examinations　that　must　be　passed　before　I　could　become　a　doctor。　I　attended　the　public　lectures；　but　I　no　longer　paid　any　attention　to　the　professors；　who；　in　my　opinion；　were　a　set　of　dotards。　I　had　already　broken　my　idolsI　became　a　Parisian。

〃To　be　brief；　I　led　the　aimless　drifting　life　of　a　young；　provincial　thrown　into　the　heart　of　a　great　city；　still　retaining　some　good　and　true　feeling；　still　clinging　more　or　less　to　the　observance　of　certain　rules　of　conduct；　still　fighting　in　vain　against　the　debasing　influence　of　evil　examples；　though　I　offered　but　a　feeble；　half…　hearted　resistance；　for　the　enemy　had　accomplices　within　me。　Yes；　sir；　my　face　is　not　misleading；　past　storms　have　plainly　left　their　traces　there。　Yet；　since　I　had　drunk　so　deeply　of　the　pure　fountain　of　religion　in　my　early　youth；　I　was　haunted　in　the　depths　of　my　soul；

through　all　my　wanderings；　by　an　ideal　of　moral　perfection　which　could　not　fail　one　day　to　bring　me　back　to　God　by　the　paths　of　weariness　and　remorse。　Is　not　he　who　feels　the　pleasures　of　earth　most　keenly；　sure　to　be　attracted；　soon　or　late；　by　the　fruits　of　heaven？

〃At　first　I　went　through　the　experience；　more　or　less　vivid；　that　always　comes　with　youththe　countless　moments　of　exultation；　the　unnumbered　transports　of　despair。　Sometimes　I　took　my　vehement　energy　of　feeling　for　a　resolute　will；　and　over…estimated　my　powers；　sometimes；　at　the　mere　sight　of　some　trifling　obstacle　with　which　I　was　about　to　come　into　collision；　I　was　far　more　cast　down　than　I　ought　to　have　been。　Then　I　would　devise　vast　plans；　would　dream　of　glory；　and　betake　myself　to　work；　but　a　pleasure　party　would　divert　me　from　the　noble　projects　based　on　so　infirm　a　purpose。　Vague　recollections　of　these　great　abortive　schemes　of　mine　left　a　deceptive　glow　in　my　soul　and　fostered　my　belief　in　myself；　without　giving　me　the　energy　to　produce。　In　my　indolent　self…sufficiency　I　was　in　a　very　fair　way　to　become　a　fool；　for　what　is　a　fool　but　a　man　who　fails　to　justify　the　excellent　opinion　which　he　has　formed　of　himself？　My　energy　was　directed　towards　no　definite　aims；　I　wished　for　the　flowers　of　life　without　the　toil　of　cultivating　them。　I　had　no　idea　of　the　obstacles；　so　I　imagined　that　everything　was　easy；　luck；　I　thought；　accounted　for　success　in　science　and　in　business；　and　genius　was　charlatanism。　I　took　it　for　granted　that　I　should　be　a　great　man；　bec