the country doctor-第40部分

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nd　in　business；　and　genius　was　charlatanism。　I　took　it　for　granted　that　I　should　be　a　great　man；　because　there　was　the　power　of　becoming　one　within　me；　so　I　discounted　all　my　future　glory；　without　giving　a　thought　to　the　patience　required　for　the　conception　of　a　great　work；　nor　of　the　execution；　in　the　course　of　which　all　the　difficulties　of　the　task　appear。

〃The　sources　of　my　amusements　were　soon　exhausted。　The　charm　of　the　theatre　does　not　last　for　very　long；　and；　for　a　poor　student；　Paris　shortly　became　an　empty　wilderness。　They　were　dull　and　uninteresting　people　that　I　met　with　in　the　circle　of　the　family　with　whom　I　lived；　but　these；　and　an　old　man　who　had　now　lost　touch　with　the　world；　were　all　the　society　that　I　had。

〃So；　like　every　young　man　who　takes　a　dislike　to　the　career　marked　out　for　him；　I　rambled　about　the　streets　for　whole　days　together；　I　strolled　along　the　quays；　through　the　museums　and　public　gardens；　making　no　attempt　to　arrive　at　a　clear　understanding　of　my　position；　and　without　a　single　definite　idea　in　my　head。　The　burden　of　unemployed　energies　is　more　felt　at　that　age　than　at　any　other；　there　is　such　an　abundance　of　vitality　running　to　waste；　so　much　activity　without　result。　I　had　no　idea　of　the　power　that　a　resolute　will　puts　into　the　hands　of　a　man　in　his　youth；　for　when　he　has　ideas　and　puts　his　whole　heart　and　soul　into　the　work　of　carrying　them　out；　his　strength　is　yet　further　increased　by　the　undaunted　courage　of　youthful　convictions。

〃Childhood　in　its　simplicity　knows　nothing　of　the　perils　of　life；　youth　sees　both　its　vastness　and　its　difficulties；　and　at　the　prospect　the　courage　of　youth　sometimes　flags。　We　are　still　serving　our　apprenticeship　to　life；　we　are　new　to　the　business；　a　kind　of　faint…　heartedness　overpowers　us；　and　leaves　us　in　an　almost　dazed　condition　of　mind。　We　feel　that　we　are　helpless　aliens　in　a　strange　country。　At　all　ages　we　shrink　back　involuntarily　from　the　unknown。　And　a　young　man　is　very　much　like　the　soldier　who　will　walk　up　to　the　cannon's　mouth；　and　is　put　to　flight　by　a　ghost。　He　hesitates　among　the　maxims　of　the　world。　The　rules　of　attack　and　of　self…defence　are　alike　unknown　to　him；　he　can　neither　give　nor　take；　he　is　attracted　by　women；　and　stands　in　awe　of　them；　his　very　good　qualities　tell　against　him；　he　is　all　generosity　and　modesty；　and　completely　innocent　of　mercenary　designs。　Pleasure　and　not　interest　is　his　object　when　he　tells　a　lie；　and　among　many　dubious　courses；　the　conscience；　with　which　as　yet　he　has　not　juggled；　points　out　to　him　the　right　way；　which　he　is　slow　to　take。

〃There　are　men　whose　lives　are　destined　to　be　shaped　by　the　impulses　of　their　hearts；　rather　than　by　any　reasoning　process　that　takes　place　in　their　heads；　and　such　natures　as　these　will　remain　for　a　long　while　in　the　position　that　I　have　described。　This　was　my　own　case。　I　became　the　plaything　of　two　contending　impulses；　the　desires　of　youth　were　always　held　in　check　by　a　faint…hearted　sentimentality。　Life　in　Paris　is　a　cruel　ordeal　for　impressionable　natures；　the　great　inequalities　of　fortune　or　of　position　inflame　their　souls　and　stir　up　bitter　feelings。　In　that　world　of　magnificence　and　pettiness　envy　is　more　apt　to　be　a　dagger　than　a　spur。　You　are　bound　either　to　fall　a　victim　or　to　become　a　partisan　in　this　incessant　strife　of　ambitions；　desires；　and　hatreds；　in　the　midst　of　which　you　are　placed；　and　by　slow　degrees　the　picture　of　vice　triumphant　and　virtue　made　ridiculous　produces　its　effect　on　a　young　man；　and　he　wavers；　life　in　Paris　soon　rubs　the　bloom　from　conscience；　the　infernal　work　of　demoralization　has　begun；　and　is　soon　accomplished。　The　first　of　pleasures；　that　which　at　the　outset　comprehends　all　the　others；　is　set　about　with　such　perils　that　it　is　impossible　not　to　reflect　upon　the　least　actions　which　it　provokes；　impossible　not　to　calculate　all　its　consequences。　These　calculations　lead　to　selfishness。　If　some　poor　student；　carried　away　by　an　impassioned　enthusiasm；　is　fain　to　rise　above　selfish　considerations；　the　suspicious　attitude　of　those　about　him　makes　him　pause　and　doubt；　it　is　so　hard　not　to　share　their　mistrust；　so　difficult　not　to　be　on　his　guard　against　his　own　generous　thoughts。　His　heart　is　seared　and　contracted　by　this　struggle；　the　current　of　life　sets　toward　the　brain；　and　the　callousness　of　the　Parisian　is　the　resultthe　condition　of　things　in　which　schemes　for　power　and　wealth　are　concealed　by　the　most　charming　frivolity；　and　lurk　beneath　the　sentimental　transports　that　take　the　place　of　enthusiasm。　The　simplest…natured　woman　in　Paris　always　keeps　a　clear　head　even　in　the　intoxication　of　happiness。

〃This　atmosphere　was　bound　to　affect　my　opinions　and　my　conduct。　The　errors　that　have　poisoned　my　life　would　have　lain　lightly　on　many　a　conscience；　but　we　in　the　South　have　a　religious　faith　that　leads　us　to　believe　in　a　future　life；　and　in　the　truths　set　forth　by　the　Catholic　Church。　These　beliefs　give　depth　and　gravity　to　every　feeling；　and　to　remorse　a　terrible　and　lasting　power。

〃The　army　were　masters　of　society　at　the　time　when　I　was　studying　medicine。　In　order　to　shine　in　women's　eyes；　one　had　to　be　a　colonel　at　the　very　least。　A　poor　student　counted　for　absolutely　nothing。　Goaded　by　the　strength　of　my　desires；　and　finding　no　outlet　for　them；　hampered　at　every　step　and　in　every　wish　by　the　want　of　money；　looking　on　study　and　fame　as　too　slow　a　means　of　arriving　at　the　pleasures　that　tempted　me；　drawn　one　way　by　my　inward　scruples；　and　another　by　evil　examples；　meeting　with　every　facility　for　low　dissipation；　and　finding　nothing　but　hindrances　barring　the　way　to　good　society；　I　passed　my　days　in　wretchedness；　overwhelmed　by　a　surging　tumult　of　desires；　and　by　indolence　of　the　most　deadly　kind；　utterly　cast　down　at　times；　only　to　be　as　suddenly　elated。

〃The　catastrophe　which　at　length　put　an　end　to　this　crisis　was　commonplace　enough。　The　thought　of　troubling　the　peace　of　a　household　has　always　been　repugnant　to　me；　and　not　only　so；　I　could　not　dissemble　my　feelings；　the　instinct　of　sincerity　was　too　strong　in　me；　I　should　have　found　it　a　physical　impossibility　to　lead　a　life　of　glaring　falsity。　There　is　for　me　but　little　attraction　in　pleasures　that　must　be　snatched。　I　wish　for　full　consciousness　of　my　happiness。　I　led　a　life　of　solitude；　for　which　there　seemed　to　be　no　remedy；　for　I　shrank　from　openly　vicious　courses；　and　the　many　efforts　that　I　made　to　enter　society　were　all　in　vain。　There　I　might　have　met　with　some　woman　who　would　have　undertaken　the　task　of　teaching　me　the　perils　of　every　path；　who　would　have　formed　my　manners；　counseled　me　without　wounding　my　vanity；　and　introduced　me　everywhere　where　I　was　likely　to　make　friends　who　would　be　useful　to　me　in　my　future　career。　In　my　despair；　an　intrigue　of　the　most　dangerous　kind　would　perhaps　have　had　its　attractions　for　me；　but　even　peril　was　out　of　my　reach。　My　inexperience　sent　me　back　again　to　my　solitude；　where　I　dwelt　face　to　face　with　my　thwarted　desires。

〃At　last　I　formed　a　connection；　at　first　a　secret　one；　with　a　girl；　whom　I　persuaded；　half　against　her　will；　to　share　my　life。　Her　people　were　worthy　folk；　who　had　but　small　means。　It　was　not　very　long　before　she　left　her　simple　sheltered　life；　and　fearlessly　intrusted　me　with　a　future　that　virtue　would　have　made　happy　and　fair；　thinking；　no　doubt；　that　my　narrow　income　was　the　surest　guarantee　of　my　faithfulness　to　her。　From　that　moment　the　tempest　that　had　raged　within　me　ceased；　and　happiness　lulled　my　wild　desires　and　ambitions　to　sleep。　Such　happiness　is　only　possible　for　a　young　man　who　is　ignorant　of　the　world；　who　knows　nothing　as　yet　of　its　accepted　codes　nor　of　the　strength　of　prejudice；　but　while　it　lasts；　his　happiness　is　as　all…　absorbing　as　a　child's。　Is　not　first　love　like　a　return　of　childhood　across　the　intervening　years　of　anxiety　and　toil？

〃There　are　men　who　learn　life　at　a　glance；　who　see　it　for　what　it　is　at　once；　who　learn　experience　from　the　mistakes　of　others；　who　apply　the　current　maxims　of　worldly　wisdom　to　their　own　case　with　signal　success；　and　make　unerring　forecasts　at　all　times。　Wise　in　their　generation　are　such　cool　heads　as　these！　But　there　is　also　a　luckless　race　endowed　with　the　impressionable；　keenly…sensitive　temperament　of　the　poet；　these　are　the　natures　that　fall　into　error；　and　to　this　latter　class　I　belonged。　There　was　no　great　depth　in　the　feeling　that　first　drew　me　towards　this　poor　girl；　I　followed　my　instinct　rather　than　my　heart　when　I　sacrificed　her　to　myself；　and　I　found　no　lack　of　excellent　reasons　wherewith　to　persuade　myself　that　there　was　no　harm　whatever　in　what　I　had　done。　And　as　for　hershe　was　devotion　itself；　a　noble　soul　with　a　clear；　keen　intelligence　and　a　heart　of　gold。　She　never　counseled　me　other　than　wisely。　Her　love　put　fresh　heart　into　me　from　the　first；　she　foretold　a　splendid　future　of　success　and　fortune　for　me；　and　gently　constrained　me　to　take　up　my　studies　again　by　her　belief　in　me。　In　these　days　there　is　scarcely　a　branch　of　science　that　has　no　bearing　upon　medicine；　it　is　a　difficult　task　to　achieve　distinction；　but　the　reward　is　great；　for　in　Paris　fame　always　means　fortune。　The　unselfish　girl　devoted　herself　to　me；　shared　in　every　interest；　even　the　slightest；　of　my　life；　and　managed　so　carefully　and　wisely　that　we　lived　in　comfort　on　my　narrow　income。　I　had　more　money　to　spare；　now　that　there　were　two　of　us；　than　I　had　ever　had　while　I　lived　by　myself。　Those　were　my　happiest　days。　I　worked　with　enthusiasm；　I　had　a　definite　aim　before　me；　I　had　found　the　encouragement　I　needed。　Everything　I　did　or　thought　I　carried　to　her；　who　had　not　only　found　the　way　to　gain　my　love；　but　above　and　beyond　this　had　filled　me　with　sincere　respect　for　her　by　the　modest　discretion　which　she　displayed　in　a　position　where　discretion　and　modesty　seemed　well…nigh　impossible。　But　one　day　was　like　another；　sir；　and　it　is　only　after　our　hears　have　passed　through　all　the　storms　appointed　for　us　that　we　know　the　value　of　a　monotonous　happiness；　and　learn　that　life　holds　nothing　more　sweet　for　us　than　this；　a　calm　happiness　in　which　the　fatigue　of　existence　is　felt　no　longer；　and　the　inmost　thoughts　of　either　find　response　in　the　other's　soul。

〃My　former　dreams　assailed　me　aga