the country doctor-第41部分

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he　inmost　thoughts　of　either　find　response　in　the　other's　soul。

〃My　former　dreams　assailed　me　again。　They　were　my　own　vehement　longings　for　the　pleasures　of　wealth　that　awoke；　though　it　was　in　love's　name　that　I　now　asked　for　them。　In　the　evenings　I　grew　abstracted　and　moody；　rapt　in　imaginings　of　the　pleasures　I　could　enjoy　if　I　were　rich；　and　thoughtlessly　gave　expression　to　my　desires　in　answer　to　a　tender　questioning　voice。　I　must　have　drawn　a　painful　sigh　from　her　who　had　devoted　herself　to　my　happiness；　for　she；　sweet　soul；　felt　nothing　more　cruelly　than　the　thought　that　I　wished　for　something　that　she　could　not　give　me　immediately。　Oh！　sir；　a　woman's　devotion　is　sublime！〃

There　was　a　sharp　distress　in　the　doctor's　exclamation　which　seemed　prompted　by　some　recollection　of　his　own；　he　paused　for　a　brief　while；　and　Genestas　respected　his　musings。

〃Well；　sir；〃　Benassis　resumed；　〃something　happened　which　should　have　concluded　the　marriage　thus　begun；　but　instead　of　that　it　put　an　end　to　it；　and　was　the　cause　of　all　my　misfortunes。　My　father　died　and　left　me　a　large　fortune。　The　necessary　business　arrangements　demanded　my　presence　in　Languedoc　for　several　months；　and　I　went　thither　alone。　At　last　I　had　regained　my　freedom！　Even　the　mildest　yoke　is　galling　to　youth；　we　do　not　see　its　necessity　any　more　than　we　see　the　need　to　work；　until　we　have　had　some　experience　of　life。　I　came　and　went　without　giving　an　account　of　my　actions　to　any　one；　there　was　no　need　to　do　so　now　unless　I　wished；　and　I　relished　liberty　with　all　the　keen　capacity　for　enjoyment　that　we　have　in　Languedoc。　I　did　not　absolutely　forget　the　ties　that　bound　me；　but　I　was　so　absorbed　in　other　matters　of　interest；　that　my　mind　was　distracted　from　them；　and　little　by　little　the　recollection　of　them　faded　away。　Letters　full　of　heartfelt　tenderness　reached　me；　but　at　two…and…twenty　a　young　man　imagines　that　all　women　are　alike　tender；　he　does　not　know　love　from　a　passing　infatuation；　all　things　are　confused　in　the　sensations　of　pleasure　which　seem　at　first　to　comprise　everything。　It　was　only　later；　when　I　came　to　a　clearer　knowledge　of　men　and　of　things　as　they　are；　that　I　could　estimate　those　noble　letters　at　their　just　worth。　No　trace　of　selfishness　was　mingled　with　the　feeling　expressed　in　them；　there　was　nothing　but　gladness　on　my　account　for　my　change　of　fortune；　and　regret　on　her　own；　it　never　occurred　to　her　that　I　could　change　towards　her；　for　she　felt　that　she　herself　was　incapable　of　change。　But　even　then　I　had　given　myself　up　to　ambitious　dreams；　I　thought　of　drinking　deeply　of　all　the　delights　that　wealth　could　give；　of　becoming　a　person　of　consequence；　of　making　a　brilliant　marriage。　So　I　read　the　letters；　and　contented　myself　with　saying；　'She　is　very　fond　of　me；'　with　the　indifference　of　a　coxcomb。　Even　then　I　was　perplexed　as　to　how　to　extricate　myself　from　this　entanglement；　I　was　ashamed　of　it；　and　this　fact　as　well　as　my　perplexity　led　me　to　be　cruel。　We　begin　by　wounding　the　victim；　and　then　we　kill　it；　that　the　sight　of　our　cruelty　may　no　longer　put　us　to　the　blush。　Late　reflections　upon　those　days　of　error　have　unveiled　for　me　many　a　dark　depth　in　the　human　heart。　Yes；　believe　me；　those　who　best　have　fathomed　the　good　and　evil　in　human　nature　have　honestly　examined　themselves　in　the　first　instance。　Conscience　is　the　starting…point　of　our　investigations；　we　proceed　from　ourselves　to　others；　never　from　others　to　ourselves。

〃When　I　returned　to　Paris　I　took　up　my　abode　in　a　large　house　which；　in　pursuance　with　my　orders；　had　been　taken　for　me；　and　the　one　person　interested　in　my　return　and　change　of　address　was　not　informed　of　it。　I　wished　to　cut　a　figure　among　young　men　of　fashion。　I　waited　a　few　days　to　taste　the　first　delights　of　wealth；　and　when；　flushed　with　the　excitement　of　my　new　position；　I　felt　that　I　could　trust　myself　to　do　so；　I　went　to　see　the　poor　girl　whom　I　meant　to　cast　off。　With　a　woman's　quickness　she　saw　what　was　passing　in　my　mind；　and　hid　her　tears　from　me。　She　could　not　but　have　despised　me；　but　it　was　her　nature　to　be　gentle　and　kindly；　and　she　never　showed　her　scorn。　Her　forbearance　was　a　cruel　punishment。　An　unresisting　victim　is　not　a　pleasant　thing；　whether　the　murder　is　done　decorously　in　the　drawing…　room；　or　brutally　on　the　highway；　there　should　be　a　struggle　to　give　some　plausible　excuse　for　taking　a　life。　I　renewed　my　visits　very　affectionately　at　first；　making　efforts　to　be　gracious；　if　not　tender；　by　slow　degrees　I　became　politely　civil；　and　one　day；　by　a　sort　of　tacit　agreement　between　us；　she　allowed　me　to　treat　her　as　a　stranger；　and　I　thought　that　I　had　done　all　that　could　be　expected　of　me。　Nevertheless　I　abandoned　myself　to　my　new　life　with　almost　frenzied　eagerness；　and　sought　to　drown　in　gaiety　any　vague　lingering　remorse　that　I　felt。　A　man　who　has　lost　his　self…respect　cannot　endure　his　own　society；　so　I　led　the　dissipated　life　that　wealthy　young　men　lead　in　Paris。　Owing　to　a　good　education　and　an　excellent　memory；　I　seemed　cleverer　than　I　really　was；　forthwith　I　looked　down　upon　other　people；　and　those　who；　for　their　own　purposes；　wished　to　prove　to　me　that　I　was　possessed　of　extraordinary　abilities；　found　me　quite　convinced　on　that　head。　Praise　is　the　most　insidious　of　all　methods　of　treachery　known　to　the　world；　and　this　is　nowhere　better　understood　than　in　Paris；　where　intriguing　schemers　know　how　to　stifle　every　kind　of　talent　at　its　birth　by　heaping　laurels　on　its　cradle。　So　I　did　nothing　worthy　of　my　reputation；　I　reaped　no　advantages　from　the　golden　opinions　entertained　of　me；　and　made　no　acquaintances　likely　to　be　useful　in　my　future　career。　I　wasted　my　energies　in　numberless　frivolous　pursuits；　and　in　the　short…lived　love　intrigues　that　are　the　disgrace　of　salons　in　Paris；　where　every　one　seeks　for　love；　grows　blase　in　the　pursuit；　falls　into　the　libertinism　sanctioned　by　polite　society；　and　ends　by　feeling　as　much　astonished　at　real　passion　as　the　world　is　over　a　heroic　action。　I　did　as　others　did。　Often　I　dealt　to　generous　and　candid　souls　the　deadly　wound　from　which　I　myself　was　slowly　perishing。　Yet　though　deceptive　appearances　might　lead　others　to　misjudge　me；　I　could　never　overcome　my　scrupulous　delicacy。　Many　times　I　have　been　duped；　and　should　have　blushed　for　myself　had　it　been　otherwise；　I　secretly　prided　myself　on　acting　in　good　faith；　although　this　lowered　me　in　the　eyes　of　others。　As　a　matter　of　fact　the　world　has　a　considerable　respect　for　cleverness；　whatever　form　it　takes；　and　success　justifies　everything。　So　the　world　was　pleased　to　attribute　to　me　all　the　good　qualities　and　evil　propensities；　all　the　victories　and　defeats　which　had　never　been　mine；　credited　me　with　conquests　of　which　I　knew　nothing；　and　sat　in　judgment　upon　actions　of　which　I　had　never　been　guilty。　I　scorned　to　contradict　the　slanders；　and　self…love　led　me　to　regard　the　more　flattering　rumors　with　a　certain　complacence。　Outwardly　my　existence　was　pleasant　enough；　but　in　reality　I　was　miserable。　If　it　had　not　been　for　the　tempest　of　misfortunes　that　very　soon　burst　over　my　head；　all　good　impulses　must　have　perished；　and　evil　would　have　triumphed　in　the　struggle　that　went　on　within　me；　enervating　self…indulgence　would　have　destroyed　the　body；　as　the　detestable　habits　of　egotism　exhausted　the　springs　of　the　soul。　But　I　was　ruined　financially。　This　was　how　it　came　about。

〃No　matter　how　large　his　fortune　may　be；　a　man　is　sure　to　find　some　one　else　in　Paris　possessed　of　yet　greater　wealth；　whom　he　must　needs　aim　at　surpassing。　In　this　unequal　conquest　I　was　vanquished　at　the　end　of　four　years；　and；　like　many　another　harebrained　youngster；　I　was　obliged　to　sell　part　of　my　property　and　to　mortgage　the　remainder　to　satisfy　my　creditors。　Then　a　terrible　blow　suddenly　struck　me　down。

〃Two　years　had　passed　since　I　had　last　seen　the　woman　whom　I　had　deserted。　The　turn　that　my　affairs　were　taking　would　no　doubt　have　brought　me　back　to　her　once　more；　but　one　evening；　in　the　midst　of　a　gay　circle　of　acquaintances；　I　received　a　note　written　in　a　trembling　hand。　It　only　contained　these　few　words：

〃　'I　have　only　a　very　little　while　to　live；　and　I　should　like　to　see　you；　my　friend；　so　that　I　may　know　what　will　become　of　my　child　whether　henceforward　he　will　be　yours；　and　also　to　soften　the　regret　that　some　day　you　might　perhaps　feel　for　my　death。'

〃The　letter　made　me　shudder。　It　was　a　revelation　of　secret　anguish　in　the　past；　while　it　contained　a　whole　unknown　future。　I　set　out　on　foot；　I　would　not　wait　for　my　carriage；　I　went　across　Paris；　goaded　by　remorse；　and　gnawed　by　a　dreadful　fear　that　was　confirmed　by　the　first　sight　of　my　victim。　In　the　extreme　neatness　and　cleanliness　beneath　which　she　had　striven　to　hid　her　poverty　I　read　all　the　terrible　sufferings　of　her　life；　she　was　nobly　reticent　about　them　in　her　effort　to　spare　my　feelings；　and　only　alluded　to　them　after　I　had　solemnly　promised　to　adopt　our　child。　She　died；　sir；　in　spite　of　all　the　care　lavished　upon　her；　and　all　that　science　could　suggest　was　done　for　her　in　vain。　The　care　and　devotion　that　had　come　too　late　only　served　to　render　her　last　moments　less　bitter。

〃To　support　her　little　one　she　had　worked　incessantly　with　her　needle。　Love　for　her　child　had　given　her　strength　to　endure　her　life　of　hardship；　but　it　had　not　enabled　her　to　bear　my　desertion；　the　keenest　of　all　her　griefs。　Many　times　she　had　thought　of　trying　to　see　me；　but　her　woman's　pride　had　always　prevented　this。　While　I　squandered　floods　of　gold　upon　my　caprices；　no　memory　of　the　past　had　ever　bidden　a　single　drop　to　fall　in　her　home　to　help　mother　and　child　to　live；　but　she　had　been　content　to　weep；　and　had　not　cursed　me；　she　had　looked　upon　her　evil　fortune　as　the　natural　punishment　of　her　error。　With　the　aid　of　a　good　priest　of　Saint　Sulpice；　whose　kindly　voice　had　restored　peace　to　her　soul；　she　had　sought　for　hope　in　the　shadow　of　the　altar；　whither　she　had　gone　to　dry　her　tears。　The　bitter　flood　that　I　had　poured　into　her　heart　gradually　abated；　and　one　day；　when　she　heard　her　child　say　'Father；'　a　word　that　she　had　not　taught　him；　she　forgave　my　crime。　But　sorrow　and　weeping　and　days　and　nights　of　ceaseless　toil　injured　her　health。　Religion　had　brought　its　consolations　and　the　c