the country doctor-第42部分

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ays　and　nights　of　ceaseless　toil　injured　her　health。　Religion　had　brought　its　consolations　and　the　courage　to　bear　the　ills　of　life；　but　all　too　late。　She　fell　ill　of　a　heart　complaint　brought　on　by　grief　and　by　the　strain　of　expectation；　for　she　always　thought　that　I　should　return；　and　her　hopes　always　sprang　up　afresh　after　every　disappointment。　Her　health　grew　worse；　and　at　last；　as　she　was　lying　on　her　deathbed；　she　wrote　those　few　lines；　containing　no　word　of　reproach；　prompted　by　religion；　and　by　a　belief　in　the　goodness　in　my　nature。　She　knew；　she　said；　that　I　was　blinded　rather　than　bent　on　doing　wrong。　She　even　accused　herself　of　carrying　her　womanly　pride　too　far。　'If　I　had　only　written　sooner；'　she　said；　'perhaps　there　might　have　been　time　for　a　marriage　which　would　have　legitimated　our　child。'

〃It　was　only　on　her　child's　account　that　she　wished　for　the　solemnization　of　the　ties　that　bound　us；　nor　would　she　have　sought　for　this　if　she　had　not　felt　that　death　was　at　hand　to　unloose　them。　But　it　was　too　late；　even　then　she　had　only　a　few　hours　to　live。　By　her　bedside；　where　I　learned　to　know　the　worth　of　a　devoted　heart；　my　nature　underwent　a　final　change。　I　was　still　at　an　age　when　tears　are　shed。　During　those　last　days；　while　the　precious　life　yet　lingered；　my　tears；　my　words；　and　everything　I　did　bore　witness　to　my　heartstricken　repentance。　The　meanness　and　pettiness　of　the　society　in　which　I　had　moved；　the　emptiness　and　selfishness　of　women　of　fashion；　had　taught　me　to　wish　for　and　to　seek　an　elect　soul；　and　now　I　had　found　ittoo　late。　I　was　weary　of　lying　words　and　of　masked　faces；　counterfeit　passion　had　set　me　dreaming；　I　had　called　on　love；　and　now　I　beheld　love　lying　before　me；　slain　by　my　own　hands；　and　had　no　power　to　keep　it　beside　me；　no　power　to　keep　what　was　so　wholly　mine。

〃The　experience　of　four　years　had　taught　me　to　know　my　own　real　character。　My　temperament；　the　nature　of　my　imagination；　my　religious　principles；　which　had　not　been　eradicated；　but　had　rather　lain　dormant；　my　turn　of　mind；　my　heart　that　only　now　began　to　make　itself　felteverything　within　me　led　me　to　resolve　to　fill　my　life　with　the　pleasures　of　affection；　to　replace　a　lawless　love　by　family　happiness　the　truest　happiness　on　earth。　Visions　of　close　and　dear　companionship　appealed　to　me　but　the　more　strongly　for　my　wanderings　in　the　wilderness；　my　grasping　at　pleasures　unennobled　by　thought　or　feeling。　So　though　the　revolution　within　me　was　rapidly　effected；　it　was　permanent。　With　my　southern　temperament；　warped　by　the　life　I　led　in　Paris；　I　should　certainly　have　come　to　look　without　pity　on　an　unhappy　girl　betrayed　by　her　lover；　I　should　have　laughed　at　the　story　if　it　had　been　told　me　by　some　wag　in　merry　company　（for　with　us　in　France　a　clever　bon　mot　dispels　all　feelings　of　horror　at　a　crime）；　but　all　sophistries　were　silenced　in　the　presence　of　this　angelic　creature；　against　whom　I　could　bring　no　least　word　of　reproach。　There　stood　her　coffin；　and　my　child；　who　did　not　know　that　I　had　murdered　his　mother；　and　smiled　at　me。

〃She　died。　She　died　happy　when　she　saw　that　I　loved　her；　and　that　this　new　love　was　due　neither　to　pity　nor　to　the　ties　that　bound　us　together。　Never　shall　I　forget　her　last　hours。　Love　had　been　won　back；　her　mind　was　at　rest　about　her　child；　and　happiness　triumphed　over　suffering。　The　comfort　and　luxury　about　her；　the　merriment　of　her　child；　who　looked　prettier　still　in　the　dainty　garb　that　had　replaced　his　baby…clothes；　were　pledges　of　a　happy　future　for　the　little　one；　in　whom　she　saw　her　own　life　renewed。

〃The　curate　of　Saint　Sulpice　witnessed　my　terrible　distress。　His　words　well…nigh　made　me　despair。　He　did　not　attempt　to　offer　conventional　consolation；　and　put　the　gravity　of　my　responsibilities　unsparingly　before　me；　but　I　had　no　need　of　a　spur。　The　conscience　within　me　spoke　loudly　enough　already。　A　woman　had　placed　a　generous　confidence　in　me。　I　had　lied　to　her　from　the　first；　I　had　told　her　that　I　loved　her；　and　then　I　had　cast　her　off；　I　had　brought　all　this　sorrow　upon　an　unhappy　girl　who　had　braved　the　opinion　of　the　world　for　me；　and　who　therefore　should　have　been　sacred　in　my　eyes。　She　had　died　forgiving　me。　Her　implicit　trust　in　the　word　of　a　man　who　had　once　before　broken　his　promise　to　her　effaced　the　memory　of　all　her　pain　and　grief；　and　she　slept　in　peace。　Agatha；　who　had　given　me　her　girlish　faith；　had　found　in　her　heart　another　faith　to　give　methe　faith　of　a　mother。　Oh！　sir；　the　child；　HER　child！　God　alone　can　know　all　that　he　was　to　me！　The　dear　little　one　was　like　his　mother；　he　had　her　winning　grace　in　his　little　ways；　his　talk　and　ideas；　but　for　me；　my　child　was　not　only　a　child；　but　something　more；　was　he　not　the　token　of　my　forgiveness；　my　honor？

〃He　should　have　more　than　a　father's　affection。　He　should　be　loved　as　his　mother　would　have　loved　him。　My　remorse　might　change　to　happiness　if　I　could　only　make　him　feel　that　his　mother's　arms　were　still　about　him。　I　clung　to　him　with　all　the　force　of　human　love　and　the　hope　of　heaven；　with　all　the　tenderness　in　my　heart　that　God　has　given　to　mothers。　The　sound　of　the　child's　voice　made　me　tremble。　I　used　to　watch　him　while　he　slept　with　a　sense　of　gladness　that　was　always　new；　albeit　a　tear　sometimes　fell　on　his　forehead；　I　taught　him　to　come　to　say　his　prayer　upon　my　bed　as　soon　as　he　awoke。　How　sweet　and　touching　were　the　simple　words　of　the　Pater　noster　in　the　innocent　childish　mouth！　Ah！　and　at　times　how　terrible！　'OUR　FATHER　WHICH　ART　IN　HEAVEN；'　he　began　one　morning；　then　he　paused'Why　is　it　not　OUR　MOTHER？'　he　asked；　and　my　heart　sank　at　his　words。

〃From　the　very　first　I　had　sown　the　seeds　of　future　misfortune　in　the　life　of　the　son　whom　I　idolized。　Although　the　law　has　almost　countenanced　errors　of　youth　by　conceding　to　tardy　regret　a　legal　status　to　natural　children；　the　insurmountable　prejudices　of　society　bring　a　strong　force　to　the　support　of　the　reluctance　of　the　law。　All　serious　reflection　on　my　part　as　to　the　foundations　and　mechanism　of　society；　on　the　duties　of　man；　and　vital　questions　of　morality　date　from　this　period　of　my　life。　Genius　comprehends　at　first　sight　the　connection　between　a　man's　principles　and　the　fate　of　the　society　of　which　he　forms　a　part；　devout　souls　are　inspired　by　religion　with　the　sentiments　necessary　for　their　happiness；　but　vehement　and　impulsive　natures　can　only　be　schooled　by　repentance。　With　repentance　came　new　light　for　me；　and　I；　who　only　lived　for　my　child；　came　through　that　child　to　think　over　great　social　questions。

〃I　determined　from　the　first　that　he　should　have　all　possible　means　of　success　within　himself；　and　that　he　should　be　thoroughly　prepared　to　take　the　high　position　for　which　I　destined　him。　He　learned　English；　German；　Italian；　and　Spanish　in　succession；　and；　that　he　might　speak　these　languages　correctly；　tutors　belonging　to　each　of　these　various　nationalities　were　successively　placed　about　him　from　his　earliest　childhood。　His　aptitude　delighted　me。　I　took　advantage　of　it　to　give　him　lessons　in　the　guise　of　play。　I　wished　to　keep　his　mind　free　from　fallacies；　and　strove　before　all　things　to　accustom　him　from　childhood　to　exert　his　intellectual　powers；　to　make　a　rapid　and　accurate　general　survey　of　a　matter；　and　then；　by　a　careful　study　of　every　least　particular；　to　master　his　subject　in　detail。　Lastly；　I　taught　him　to　submit　to　discipline　without　murmuring。　I　never　allowed　an　impure　or　improper　word　to　be　spoken　in　his　hearing。　I　was　careful　that　all　his　surroundings；　and　the　men　with　whom　he　came　in　contact；　should　conduce　to　one　endto　ennoble　his　nature；　to　set　lofty　ideals　before　him；　to　give　him　a　love　of　truth　and　a　horror　of　lies；　to　make　him　simple　and　natural　in　manner；　as　in　word　and　deed。　His　natural　aptitude　had　made　his　other　studies　easy　to　him；　and　his　imagination　made　him　quick　to　grasp　these　lessons　that　lay　outside　the　province　of　the　schoolroom。　What　a　fair　flower　to　tend！　How　great　are　the　joys　that　mothers　know！　In　those　days　I　began　to　understand　how　his　own　mother　had　been　able　to　live　and　to　bear　her　sorrow。　This；　sir；　was　the　great　event　of　my　life；　and　now　I　am　coming　to　the　tragedy　which　drove　me　hither。

〃It　is　the　most　ordinary　commonplace　story　imaginable；　but　to　me　it　meant　the　most　terrible　pain。　For　some　years　I　had　thought　of　nothing　but　my　child；　and　how　to　make　a　man　of　him；　then；　when　my　son　was　growing　up　and　about　to　leave　me；　I　grew　afraid　of　my　loneliness。　Love　was　a　necessity　of　my　existence；　this　need　for　affection　had　never　been　satisfied；　and　only　grew　stronger　with　years。　I　was　in　every　way　capable　of　a　real　attachment；　I　had　been　tried　and　proved。　I　knew　all　that　a　steadfast　love　means；　the　love　that　delights　to　find　a　pleasure　in　self…sacrifice；　in　everything　I　did　my　first　thought　would　always　be　for　the　woman　I　loved。　In　imagination　I　was　fain　to　dwell　on　the　serene　heights　far　above　doubt　and　uncertainty；　where　love　so　fills　two　beings　that　happiness　flows　quietly　and　evenly　into　their　life；　their　looks；　and　words。　Such　love　is　to　a　life　what　religion　is　to　the　soul；　a　vital　force；　a　power　that　enlightens　and　upholds。　I　understood　the　love　of　husband　and　wife　in　nowise　as　most　people　do；　for　me　its　full　beauty　and　magnificence　began　precisely　at　the　point　where　love　perishes　in　many　a　household。　I　deeply　felt　the　moral　grandeur　of　a　life　so　closely　shared　by　two　souls　that　the　trivialities　of　everyday　existence　should　be　powerless　against　such　lasting　love　as　theirs。　But　where　will　the　hearts　be　found　whose　beats　are　so　nearly　isochronous　（let　the　scientific　term　pass）　that　they　may　attain　to　this　beatific　union？　If　they　exist；　nature　and　chance　have　set　them　far　apart；　so　that　they　cannot　come　together；　they　find　each　other　too　late；　or　death　comes　too　soon　to　separate　them。　There　must　be　some　good　reasons　for　these　dispensations　of　fate；　but　I　have　never　sought　to　discover　them。　I　cannot　make　a　study　of　my　wound；　because　I　suffer　too　much　from　it。　Perhaps　perfect　happiness　is　a　monster　which　our　species　should　not　perpetuate。　There　were　other　causes　for　my　fervent　desire　for　such　a　marriage　as　this。　I　had　no　friends；　the　world　for　me　was　a　desert。　There　is　something　in　me　that　repels　friendship。　More　than　one　person　has　sou