the country doctor-第43部分

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d　for　me　was　a　desert。　There　is　something　in　me　that　repels　friendship。　More　than　one　person　has　sought　me　out；　but；　in　spite　of　efforts　on　my　part；　it　came　to　nothing。　With　many　men　I　have　been　careful　to　show　no　sign　of　something　that　is　called　'superiority；'　I　have　adapted　my　mind　to　theirs；　I　have　placed　myself　at　their　point　of　view；　joined　in　their　laughter；　and　overlooked　their　defects；　any　fame　I　might　have　gained；　I　would　have　bartered　for　a　little　kindly　affection。　They　parted　from　me　without　regret。　If　you　seek　for　real　feeling　in　Paris；　snares　await　you　everywhere；　and　the　end　is　sorrow。　Wherever　I　set　my　foot；　the　ground　round　about　me　seemed　to　burn。　My　readiness　to　acquiesce　was　considered　weakness　though　if　I　unsheathed　my　talons；　like　a　man　conscious　that　he　may　some　day　wield　the　thunderbolts　of　power；　I　was　thought　ill…natured；　to　others；　the　delightful　laughter　that　ceases　with　youth；　and　in　which　in　later　years　we　are　almost　ashamed　to　indulge；　seemed　absurd；　and　they　amused　themselves　at　my　expense。　People　may　be　bored　nowadays；　but　none　the　less　they　expect　you　to　treat　every　trivial　topic　with　befitting　seriousness。

〃A　hateful　era！　You　must　bow　down　before　mediocrity；　frigidly　polite　mediocrity　which　you　despiseand　obey。　On　more　mature　reflection；　I　have　discovered　the　reasons　of　these　glaring　inconsistencies。　Mediocrity　is　never　out　of　fashion；　it　is　the　daily　wear　of　society；　genius　and　eccentricity　are　ornaments　that　are　locked　away　and　only　brought　out　on　certain　days。　Everything　that　ventures　forth　beyond　the　protection　of　the　grateful　shadow　of　mediocrity　has　something　startling　about　it。

〃So；　in　the　midst　of　Paris；　I　led　a　solitary　life。　I　had　given　up　everything　to　society；　but　it　had　given　me　nothing　in　return；　and　my　child　was　not　enough　to　satisfy　my　heart；　because　I　was　not　a　woman。　My　life　seemed　to　be　growing　cold　within　me；　I　was　bending　under　a　load　of　secret　misery　when　I　met　the　woman　who　was　to　make　me　know　the　might　of　love；　the　reverence　of　an　acknowledged　love；　love　with　its　teeming　hopes　of　happinessin　one　wordlove。

〃I　had　renewed　my　acquaintance　with　that　old　friend　of　my　father's　who　had　once　taken　charge　of　my　affairs。　It　was　in　his　house　that　I　first　met　her　whom　I　must　love　as　long　as　life　shall　last。　The　longer　we　live；　sir；　the　more　clearly　we　see　the　enormous　influence　of　ideas　upon　the　events　of　life。　Prejudices；　worthy　of　all　respect；　and　bred　by　noble　religious　ideas；　occasioned　my　misfortunes。　This　young　girl　belonged　to　an　exceeding　devout　family；　whose　views　of　Catholicism　were　due　to　the　spirit　of　a　sect　improperly　styled　Jansenists；　which；　in　former　times；　caused　troubles　in　France。　You　know　why？〃

〃No；〃　said　Genestas。

〃Jansenius；　Bishop　of　Ypres；　once　wrote　a　book　which　was　believed　to　contain　propositions　at　variance　with　the　doctrines　of　the　Holy　See。　When　examined　at　a　later　date；　there　appeared　to　be　nothing　heretical　in　the　wording　of　the　text；　some　authors　even　went　so　far　as　to　deny　that　the　heretical　propositions　had　any　real　existence。　However　it　was；　these　insignificant　disputes　gave　rise　to　two　parties　in　the　Gallican　Churchthe　Jansenists　and　the　Jesuits。　Great　men　were　found　in　either　camp；　and　a　struggle　began　between　two　powerful　bodies。　The　Jansenists　affected　an　excessive　purity　of　morals　and　of　doctrine；　and　accused　the　Jesuits　of　preaching　a　relaxed　morality。　The　Jansenists；　in　fact；　were　Catholic　Puritans；　if　two　contradictory　terms　can　be　combined。　During　the　Revolution；　the　Concordat　occasioned　an　unimportant　schism；　a　little　segregation　of　ultra…catholics　who　refused　to　recognize　the　Bishops　appointed　by　the　authorities　with　the　consent　of　the　Pope。　This　little　body　of　the　faithful　was　called　the　Little　Church；　and　those　within　its　fold；　like　the　Jansenists；　led　the　strictly　ordered　lives　that　appear　to　be　a　first　necessity　of　existence　in　all　proscribed　and　persecuted　sects。　Many　Jansenist　families　had　joined　the　Little　Church。　The　family　to　which　this　young　girl　belonged　had　embraced　the　equally　rigid　doctrines　of　both　these　Puritanisms；　tenets　which　impart　a　stern　dignity　to　the　character　and　mien　of　those　who　hold　them。　It　is　the　nature　of　positive　doctrine　to　exaggerate　the　importance　of　the　most　ordinary　actions　of　life　by　connecting　them　with　ideas　of　a　future　existence。　This　is　the　source　of　a　splendid　and　delicate　purity　of　heart；　a　respect　for　others　and　for　self；　of　an　indescribably　keen　sense　of　right　and　wrong；　a　wide　charity；　together　with　a　justice　so　stern　that　it　might　well　be　called　inexorable；　and　lastly；　a　perfect　hatred　of　lies　and　of　all　the　vices　comprised　by　falsehood。

〃I　can　recall　no　more　delightful　moments　than　those　of　our　first　meeting　at　my　old　friend's　house。　I　beheld　for　the　first　time　this　shy　young　girl　with　her　sincere　nature；　her　habits　of　ready　obedience。　All　the　virtues　peculiar　to　the　sect　to　which　she　belonged　shone　in　her；　but　she　seemed　to　be　unconscious　of　her　merit。　There　was　a　grace；　which　no　austerity　could　diminish；　about　every　movement　of　her　lissome；　slender　form；　her　quiet　brow；　the　delicate　grave　outlines　of　her　face；　and　her　clearly　cut　features　indicated　noble　birth；　her　expression　was　gentle　and　proud；　her　thick　hair　had　been　simply　braided；　the　coronet　of　plaits　about　her　head　served；　all　unknown　to　her；　as　an　adornment。　Captain；　she　was　for　me　the　ideal　type　that　is　always　made　real　for　us　in　the　woman　with　whom　we　fall　in　love；　for　when　we　love；　is　it　not　because　we　recognize　beauty　that　we　have　dreamed　of；　the　beauty　that　has　existed　in　idea　for　us　is　realized？　When　I　spoke　to　her；　she　answered　simply；　without　shyness　or　eagerness；　she　did　not　know　the　pleasure　it　was　to　me　to　see　her；　to　hear　the　musical　sounds　of　her　voice。　All　these　angels　are　revealed　to　our　hearts　by　the　same　signs；　by　the　sweetness　of　their　tongues；　the　tenderness　in　their　eyes；　by　their　fair；　pale　faces；　and　their　gracious　ways。　All　these　things　are　so　blended　and　mingled　that　we　feel　the　charm　of　their　presence；　yet　cannot　tell　in　what　that　charm　consists；　and　every　movement　is　an　expression　of　a　divine　soul　within。　I　loved　passionately。　This　newly　awakened　love　satisfied　all　my　restless　longings；　all　my　ambitious　dreams。　She　was　beautiful；　wealthy；　and　nobly　born；　she　had　been　carefully　brought　up；　she　had　all　the　qualifications　which　the　world　positively　demands　of　a　woman　placed　in　the　high　position　which　I　desired　to　reach；　she　had　been　well　educated；　she　expressed　herself　with　a　sprightly　facility　at　once　rare　and　common　in　France；　where　the　most　prettily　worded　phrases　of　many　women　are　emptiness　itself；　while　her　bright　talk　was　full　of　sense。　Above　all；　she　had　a　deep　consciousness　of　her　own　dignity　which　made　others　respect　her；　I　know　of　no　more　excellent　thing　in　a　wife。　I　must　stop；　captain；　no　one　can　describe　the　woman　he　loves　save　very　imperfectly；　preexistent　mysteries　which　defy　analysis　lie　between　them。

〃I　very　soon　took　my　old　friend　into　my　confidence。　He　introduced　me　to　her　family；　and　gave　me　the　countenance　of　his　honorable　character。　I　was　received　at　first　with　the　frigid　politeness　characteristic　of　those　exclusive　people　who　never　forsake　those　whom　they　have　once　admitted　to　their　friendship。　As　time　went　on　they　welcomed　me　almost　as　one　of　the　family；　this　mark　of　their　esteem　was　won　by　my　behavior　in　the　matter。　In　spite　of　my　passionate　love；　I　did　nothing　that　could　lower　me　in　my　own　eyes；　I　did　not　cringe；　I　paid　no　court　to　those　upon　whom　my　fate　depended；　before　all　things　I　showed　myself　a　man；　and　not　other　than　I　really　was。　When　I　was　well　known　to　them；　my　old　friend；　who　was　as　desirous　as　I　myself　that　my　life　of　melancholy　loneliness　should　come　to　an　end；　spoke　of　my　hopes　and　met　with　a　favorable　reception；　but　with　the　diplomatic　shrewdness　which　is　almost　a　second　nature　with　men　of　the　world；　he　was　silent　with　regard　to　an　error　of　my　youth；　as　he　termed　it。　He　was　anxious　to　bring　about　a　'satisfactory　marriage'　for　me；　an　expression　that　makes　of　so　solemn　an　act　a　business　transaction　in　which　husband　and　wife　endeavor　to　cheat　each　other。　In　his　opinion；　the　existence　of　my　child　would　excite　a　moral　repugnance；　in　comparison　with　which　the　question　of　money　would　be　as　nought；　and　the　whole　affair　would　be　broken　off　at　once；　and　he　was　right。

〃　'It　is　a　matter　which　will　be　very　easily　settled　between　you　and　your　wife；　it　will　be　easy　to　obtain　her　full　and　free　forgiveness；'　he　said。

〃In　short；　he　tried　to　silence　my　scruples；　and　all　the　insidious　arguments　that　worldly　wisdom　could　suggest　were　brought　to　bear　upon　me　to　this　end。　I　will　confess　to　you；　sir；　that　in　spite　of　my　promise；　my　first　impulse　was　to　act　straightforwardly　and　to　make　everything　known　to　the　head　of　the　family；　but　the　thought　of　his　uncompromising　sternness　made　me　pause；　and　the　probable　consequences　of　the　confession　appalled　me；　my　courage　failed；　I　temporized　with　my　conscience；　I　determined　to　wait　until　I　was　sufficiently　sure　of　the　affection　of　the　girl　I　hoped　to　win；　before　hazarding　my　happiness　by　the　terrible　confession。　My　resolution　to　acknowledge　everything　openly；　at　a　convenient　season；　vindicated　the　sophistries　of　worldly　wisdom　and　the　sagacity　of　my　old　friend。　So　the　young　girl's　parents　received　me　as　their　future　son…in…law　without；　as　yet；　taking　their　friends　into　their　confidence。

〃An　infinite　discretion　is　the　distinguishing　quality　of　pious　families；　they　are　reticent　about　everything；　even　about　matters　of　no　importance。　You　would　not　believe；　sir；　how　this　sedate　gravity　and　reserve；　pervading　every　least　action；　deepens　the　current　of　feeling　and　thought。　Everything　in　that　house　was　done　with　some　useful　end　in　view；　the　women　spent　their　leisure　time　in　making　garments　for　the　poor；　their　conversation　was　never　frivolous；　laughter　was　not　banished；　but　there　was　a　kindly　simplicity　about　their　merriment。　Their　talk　had　none　of　the　piquancy　which　scandal　and　ill…natured　gossip　give　to　the　conversation　of　society；　only　the　father　and　uncle　read　the　newspapers；　even　the　most　harmless　journal　contains　references　to　crimes　or　to　public　evils；　and　she　whom　I　hoped　to　win　had　never　cast　her　eyes　over　their　sheets。　How　strange　it