mark twain, a biography, 1907-1910-第40部分

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！



Some　time　before　the　hour　appointed　to　open　his　head　the　Academy　of　Music
（on　Pine　Street）　was　densely　crowded　with　one　of　the　most　fashionable
audiences　it　was　ever　my　privilege　to　witness　during　my　long　residence　in
this　city。　　The　Elite　of　the　town　were　there；　and　so　was　the　Governor　of
the　State；　occupying　one　of　the　boxes；　whose　rotund　face　was　suffused
with　a　halo　of　mirth　during　the　whole　entertainment。　　The　audience
promptly　notified　Mark　by　the　usual　signstampingthat　the　auspicious
hour　had　arrived；　and　presently　the　lecturer　came　sidling　and　swinging
out　from　the　left　of　the　stage。　　His　very　manner　produced　a　generally
vociferous　laugh　from　the　assemblage。　　He　opened　with　an　apology；　by
saying　that　he　had　partly　succeeded　in　obtaining　a　band；　but　at　the　last
moment　the　party　engaged　backed　out。　　He　explained　that　he　had　hired　a
man　to　play　the　trombone；　but　he；　on　learning　that　he　was　the　only　person
engaged；　came　at　the　last　moment　and　informed　him　that　he　could　not　play。　
This　placed　Mark　in　a　bad　predicament；　and　wishing　to　know　his　reasons
for　deserting　him　at　that　critical　moment；　he　replied；　'That　he　wasn't
going　to　make　a　fool　of　himself　by　sitting　up　there　on　the　stage　and
blowing　his　horn　all　by　himself。'　　After　the　applause　subsided；　he
assumed　a　very　grave　countenance　and　commenced　his　remarks　proper　with
the　following　well…known　sentence：　'When；　in　the　course　of　human　events；'
etc。　　He　lectured　fully　an　hour　and　a　quarter；　and　his　humorous　sayings
were　interspersed　with　geographical；　agricultural；　and　statistical
remarks；　sometimes　branching　off　and　reaching　beyond；　soaring；　in　the
very　choicest　language；　up　to　the　very　pinnacle　of　descriptive　power。〃





APPENDIX　E

FROM　〃THE　JUMPING　FROG〃　BOOK　（MARK　TWAIN'S　FIRST　PUBLISHED　VOLUME）

（See　Chapters　lviii　and　lix）

I

ADVERTISEMENT

〃Mark　Twain〃　is　too　well　known　to　the　public　to　require　a　formal
introduction　at　my　hands。　　By　his　story　of　the　Frog　he　scaled　the　heights
of　popularity　at　a　single　jump　and　won　for　himself　the　'sobriquet'　of　The
Wild　Humorist　of　the　Pacific　Slope。　　He　is　also　known　to　fame　as　The
Moralist　of　the　Main；　and　it　is　not　unlikely　that　as　such　he　will　go　down
to　posterity。　　It　is　in　his　secondary　character；　as　humorist；　however；
rather　than　in　the　primal　one　of　moralist；　that　I　aim　to　present　him　in
the　present　volume。　　And　here　a　ready　explanation　will　be　found　for　the
somewhat　fragmentary　character　of　many　of　these　sketches；　for　it　was
necessary　to　snatch　threads　of　humor　wherever　they　could　be　foundvery
often　detaching　them　from　serious　articles　and　moral　essays　with　which
they　were　woven　and　entangled。　　Originally　written　for　newspaper
publication；　many　of　the　articles　referred　to　events　of　the　day；　the
interest　of　which　has　now　passed　away；　and　contained　local　allusions；
which　the　general　reader　would　fail　to　understand；　in　such　cases　excision
became　imperative。　　Further　than　this；　remark　or　comment　is　unnecessary。　
Mark　Twain　never　resorts　to　tricks　of　spelling　nor　rhetorical　buffoonery
for　the　purpose　of　provoking　a　laugh；　the　vein　of　his　humor　runs　too　rich
and　deep　to　make　surface　gliding　necessary。　　But　there　are　few　who　can
resist　the　quaint　similes；　keen　satire；　and　hard；　good　sense　which　form
the　staple　of　his　writing。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　J。　P。　



II

FROM　ANSWERS　TO　CORRESPONDENTS

〃MORAL　STATISTICIAN〃I　don't　want　any　of　your　statistics。　　I　took　your
whole　batch　and　lit　my　pipe　with　it。　　I　hate　your　kind　of　people。　　You
are　always　ciphering　out　how　much　a　man's　health　is　injured；　and　how　much
his　intellect　is　impaired；　and　how　many　pitiful　dollars　and　cents　he
wastes　in　the　course　of　ninety…two　years'　indulgence　in　the　fatal　
practice　of　smoking；　and　in　the　equally　fatal　practice　of　drinking
coffee；　and　in　playing　billiards　occasionally；　and　in　taking　a　glass　of
wine　at　dinner；　etc。；　etc。；　etc。　　。　　。　　。

Of　course　you　can　save　money　by　denying　yourself　all　these　vicious　little
enjoyments　for　fifty　years；　but　then　what　can　you　do　with　it？　　What　use
can　you　put　it　to？　　Money　can't　save　your　infinitesimal　soul。　　All　the
use　that　money　can　be　put　to　is　to　purchase　comfort　and　enjoyment　in　this
life；　therefore；　as　you　are　an　enemy　to　comfort　and　enjoyment；　where　is
the　use　in　accumulating　cash？　　It　won't　do　for　you　to　say　that　you　can
use　it　to　better　purpose　in　furnishing　good　table；　and　in　charities；　and
in　supporting　tract　societies；　because　you　know　yourself　that　you　people
who　have　no　petty　vices　are　never　known　to　give　away　a　cent；　and　that　you
stint　yourselves　so　in　the　matter　of　food　that　you　are　always　feeble　and
hungry。　　And　you　never　dare　to　laugh　in　the　daytime　for　fear　some　poor
wretch；　seeing　you　in　a　good…humor；　will　try　to　borrow　a　dollar　of　you；
and　in　church　you　are　always　down　on　your　knees；　with　your　eyes　buried　in
the　cushion；　when　the　contribution…box　comes　around；　and　you　never　give
the　revenue…officers　a　true　statement　of　your　income。　　Now　you　all　know
all　these　things　yourself；　don't　you？　　Very　well；　then；　what　is　the　use
of　your　stringing　out　your　miserable　lives　to　a　clean　and　withered　old
age？　　What　is　the　use　of　your　saving　money　that　is　so　utterly　worthless
to　you？　　In　a　word；　why　don't　you　go　off　somewhere　and　die；　and　not　be
always　trying　to　seduce　people　into　becoming　as　〃ornery〃　and　unlovable　as
you　are　yourselves；　by　your　ceaseless　and　villainous　〃moral　statistics〃？　
Now；　I　don't　approve　of　dissipation；　and　I　don't　indulge　in　it；　either；
but　I　haven't　a　particle　of　confidence　in　a　man　who　has　no　redeeming
petty　vices　whatever；　and　so　I　don't　want　to　hear　from　you　any　more。　　I
think　you　are　the　very　same　man　who　read　me　a　long　lecture　last　week
about　the　degrading　vice　of　smoking　cigars　and　then　came　back；　in　my
absence；　with　your　vile；　reprehensible　fire…proof　gloves　on；　and　carried
off　my　beautiful　parlor…stove。




III

FROM　〃A　STRANGE　DREAM〃

（Example　of　Mark　Twain's　Early　Descriptive　Writing）

。　　。　　。　　In　due　time　I　stood；　with　my　companion；　on　the　wall　of　the　vast
caldron　which　the　natives；　ages　ago；　named　'Hale　mau　mau'the　abyss
wherein　they　were　wont　to　throw　the　remains　of　their　chiefs；　to　the　end
that　vulgar　feet　might　never　tread　above　them。　　We　stood　there；　at　dead
of　night；　a　mile　above　the　level　of　the　sea；　and　looked　down　a　thousand
feet　upon　a　boiling；　surging；　roaring　ocean　of　fire！shaded　our　eyes
from　the　blinding　glare；　and　gazed　far　away　over　the　crimson　waves　with　a
vague　notion　that　a　supernatural　fleet；　manned　by　demons　and　freighted
with　the　damned；　might　presently　sail　up　out　of　the　remote　distance；
started　when　tremendous　thunder…bursts　shook　the　earth；　and　followed　with
fascinated　eyes　the　grand　jets　of　molten　lava　that　sprang　high　up　toward
the　zenith　and　exploded　in　a　world　of　fiery　spray　that　lit　up　the　somber
heavens　with　an　infernal　splendor。

〃What　is　your　little　bonfire　of　Vesuvius　to　this？〃

My　ejaculation　roused　my　companion　from　his　reverie；　and　we　fell　into　a
conversation　appropriate　to　the　occasion　and　the　surroundings。　　We　came
at　last　to　speak　of　the　ancient　custom　of　casting　the　bodies　of　dead
chieftains　into　this　fearful　caldron；　and　my　comrade；　who　is　of　the　blood
royal；　mentioned　that　the　founder　of　his　race；　old　King　Kamehameha　the
Firstthat　invincible　old　pagan　Alexanderhad　found　other　sepulture
than　the　burning　depths　of　the　'Hale　mau　mau'。　　I　grew　interested　at
once；　I　knew　that　the　mystery　of　what　became　of　the　corpse　of　the　warrior
king　hail　never　been　fathomed；　I　was　aware　that　there　was　a　legend
connected　with　this　matter；　and　I　felt　as　if　there　could　be　no　more
fitting　time　to　listen　to　it　than　the　present。　　The　descendant　of　the
Kamehamehas　said：

The　dead　king　was　brought　in　royal　state　down　the　long；　winding　road　that
descends　from　the　rim　of　the　crater　to　the　scorched　and　chasm…riven　plain
that　lies　between　the　'Hale　mau　mau'　and　those　beetling　walls　yonder　in
the　distance。　　The　guards　were　set　and　the　troops　of　mourners　began　the
weird　wail　for　the　departed。　　In　the　middle　of　the　night　came　a　sound　of
innumerable　voices　in　the　air　and　the　rush　of　invisible　wings；　the
funeral　torches　wavered；　burned　blue；　and　went　out。　　The　mourners　and
watchers　fell　to　the　ground　paralyzed　by　fright；　and　many　minutes　elapsed
before　any　one　dared　to　move　or　speak；　for　they　believed　that　the　phantom
messengers　of　the　dread　Goddess　of　Fire　had　been　in　their　midst。　　When　at
last　a　torch　was　lighted　the　bier　was　vacantthe　dead　monarch　had　been
spirited　away！




APPENDIX　F

THE　INNOCENTS　ABROAD
（See　Chapter　lx）


NEW　YORK　〃HERALD〃　EDITORIAL　ON　THE　RETURN　OF　THE　〃QUAKER　CITY〃
PILGRIMAGE；　NOVEMBER　19；　1867

In　yesterday's　Herald　we　published　a　most　amusing　letter　from　the　pen　of
that　most　amusing　American　genius；　Mark　Twain；　giving　an　account　of　that
most　amusing　of　all　modern　pilgrimagesthe　pilgrimage　of　the　'Quaker
City'。　　It　has　been　amusing　all　through；　this　Quaker　City　affair。　　It
might　have　become　more　serious　than　amusing　if　the　ship　had　been　sold　at
Jaffa；　Alexandria；　or　Yalta；　in　the　Black　Sea；　as　it　appears　might　have
happened。　　In　such　a　case　the　passengers　would　have　been　more　effectually
sold　than　the　ship。　　The　descendants　of　the　Puritan　pilgrims　have；
naturally　enough；　some　of　them；　an　affection　for　ships；　but　if　all　that
is　said　about　this　religious　cruise　be　true　they　have　also　a　singularly
sharp　eye　to　business。　　It　was　scarcely　wise　on　the　part　of　the　pilgrims；
although　it　was　well　for　the　public；　that　so　strange　a　genius　as　Mark
Twain　should　have　found　admission　into　the　sacred　circle。　　We　are　not
aware　whether　Mr。　Twain　intends　giving　us　a　book　on　this　pilgrimage；　but
we　do　know　that　a　book　written　from　his　own　peculiar　standpoint；　giving
an　account　of　the　characters　and　events　on　board　ship　and　of　the　scenes
which　the　pilgrims　witnessed；　would　command　an　almost　unprecedented　sale。　
There　are　varieties　of　genius　peculiar　to　America。　　Of　one　of　these
varieties　Mark　Twain　is　a　striking　specimen。　　For　the　development　of　his
peculiar　genius　he　has　never　had　a　more　fitting　opportunity。　　Besides；
there　are　some　things　which　he　knows；　and　which　t