the story of a pioneer-第13部分

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of　thanksgiving　I　drew　it　out　and　cocked　it；　and

as　I　did　so　he　recognized　the　sudden　click。



‘‘Here！　　What　have　you　got　there？''　he　snapped。



‘‘I　have　a　revolver；''　I　replied；　as　steadily　as　I

could。　　‘‘And　it　is　cocked　and　aimed　straight　at

your　back。　　Now　drive　on。　　If　you　stop　again；　or

speak；　I'll　shoot　you。''



For　an　instant　or　two　he　blustered。



‘‘By　God；''　he　cried；　‘‘you　wouldn't　dare。''



‘‘Wouldn't　I？''　I　asked。　　‘‘Try　me　by　speaking

just　once　more。''



Even　as　I　spoke　I　felt　my　hair　rise　on　my　scalp

with　the　horror　of　the　moment；　which　seemed　worse

than　any　nightmare　a　woman　could　experience。　

But　the　man　was　conquered　by　the　knowledge　of

the　waiting；　willing　weapon　just　behind　him。　　He

laid　his　whip　savagely　on　the　backs　of　his　horses

and　they　responded　with　a　leap　that　almost　knocked

me　out　of　the　wagon。



The　rest　of　the　night　was　a　black　terror　I　shall

never　forget。　　He　did　not　speak　again；　nor　stop；

but　I　dared　not　relax　my　caution　for　an　instant。　

Hour　after　hour　crawled　toward　day；　and　still　I

sat　in　the　unpierced　darkness；　the　revolver　ready。　

I　knew　he　was　inwardly　raging；　and　that　at　any

instant　he　might　make　a　sudden　jump　and　try　to

get　the　revolver　away　from　me。　　I　decided　that

at　his　slightest　movement　I　must　shoot。　　But　dawn

came　at　last；　and　just　as　its　bluish　light　touched

the　dark　tips　of　the　pines　we　drove　up　to　the　log

hotel　in　the　settlement　that　was　our　destination。　

Here　my　driver　spoke。



‘‘Get　down；''　he　said；　gruffly。　　‘‘This　is　the　place。''



I　sat　still。　　Even　yet　I　dared　not　trust　him。　

Moreover；　I　was　so　stiff　after　my　vigil　that　I　was

not　sure　I　could　move。



‘‘You　get　down；''　I　directed；　‘‘and　wake　up　the

landlord。　　Bring　him　out　here。''



He　sullenly　obeyed　and　aroused　the　hotel…owner；

and　when　the　latter　appeared　I　climbed　out　of　the

wagon　with　some　effort　but　without　explanation。　

That　morning　I　preached　in　my　friend's　pulpit　as　I

had　promised　to　do；　and　the　rough　building　was

packed　to　its　doors　with　lumbermen　who　had　come

in　from　the　neighboring　camp。　　Their　appearance

caused　great　surprise；　as　they　had　never　attended

a　service　before。　　They　formed　a　most　picturesque

congregation；　for　they　all　wore　brilliant　lumber…camp

clothingblue　or　red　shirts　with　yellow　scarfs

twisted　around　their　waists；　and　gay…colored　jackets

and　logging…caps。　　There　were　forty　or　fifty　of

them；　and　when　we　took　up　our　collection　they

responded　with　much　liberality　and　cheerful　shouts

to　one　another。



‘‘Put　in　fifty　cents！''　they　yelled　across　the　church。　

‘‘Give　her　a　dollar！''



The　collection　was　the　largest　that　had　been　taken

up　in　the　history　of　the　settlement；　but　I　soon

learned　that　it　was　not　the　spiritual　comfort　I

offered　which　had　appealed　to　the　lumber…men。　

My　driver　of　the　night　before；　who　was　one　of　their

number；　had　told　his　pals　of　his　experience；　and　the

whole　camp　had　poured　into　town　to　see　the　woman

minister　who　carried　a　revolver。



‘‘Her　sermon？''　said　one　of　them　to　my　landlord；

after　the　meeting。　　‘‘Huh！　　I　dunno　what　she

preached。　　But；　say；　don't　make　no　mistake　about

one　thing：　the　little　preacher　has　sure　got　grit！''







IV



THE　WOLF　AT　THE　DOOR



When　I　returned　to　Albion　College　in　the

autumn　of　1875　I　brought　with　me　a　problem

which　tormented　me　during　my　waking　hours　and

chattered　on　my　pillow　at　night。　　Should　I　devote

two　more　years　of　my　vanishing　youth　to　the　com…

pletion　of　my　college　course；　or；　instead；　go　at　once

to　Boston　University；　enter　upon　my　theological

studies；　take　my　degree；　and　be　about　my　Father's

business？



I　was　now　twenty…seven　years　old；　and　I　had　been

a　licensed　preacher　for　three　years。　　My　reputation

in　the　Northwest　was　growing；　and　by　sermons　and

lectures　I　could　certainly　earn　enough　to　pay　the

expenses　of　the　full　college　course。　　On　the　other

hand；　Boston　was　a　new　world。　　There　I　would　be

alone　and　practically　penniless；　and　the　oppor…

tunities　for　work　might　be　limited。　　Quite　possibly

in　my　final　two　years　at　Albion　I　could　even　save

enough　money　to　make　the　experience　in　Boston

less　difficult；　and　the　clear　common　sense　I　had

inherited　from　my　mother　reminded　me　that　in

this　course　lay　wisdom。　　Possibly　it　was　some　in…

heritance　from　my　visionary　father　which　made

me；　at　the　end　of　three　months；　waive　these　sage

reflections；　pack　my　few　possessions；　and　start　for

Boston；　where　I　entered　the　theological　school　of

the　university　in　February；　1876。



It　was　an　instance　of　stepping　off　a　solid　plank

and　into　space；　and　though　there　is　exhilaration

in　the　sensation；　as　I　discovered　then　and　at　later

crises　in　life　when　I　did　the　same　thing；　there　was

also　an　amount　of　subsequent　discomfort　for　which

even　my　lively　imagination　had　not　prepared　me。　

I　went　through　some　grim　months　in　Boston

months　during　which　I　learned　what　it　was　to　go

to　bed　cold　and　hungry；　to　wake　up　cold　and　hungry；

and　to　have　no　knowledge　of　how　long　these　con…

ditions　might　continue。　　But　not　more　than　once　or

twice　during　the　struggle　there；　and　then　only　for

an　hour　or　two　in　the　physical　and　mental　depression

attending　malnutrition；　did　I　regret　coming。　　At

that　period　of　my　life　I　believed　that　the　Lord　had

my　small　personal　affairs　very　much　on　His　mind。　

If　I　starved　and　froze　it　was　His　test　of　my　worthi…

ness　for　the　ministry；　and　if　He　had　really　chosen

me　for　one　of　His　servants；　He　would　see　me　through。　

The　faith　that　sustained　me　then　has　still　a　place

in　my　life；　and　existence　without　it　would　be　an

infinitely　more　dreary　affair　than　it　is。　　But　I　admit

that　I　now　call　upon　the　Lord　less　often　and　less

imperatively　than　I　did　before　the　stern　years　taught

me　my　unimportance　in　the　great　scheme　of　things。



My　class　at　the　theological　school　was　composed

of　forty…two　young　men　and　my　unworthy　self；　and

before　I　had　been　a　member　of　it　an　hour　I　realized

that　women　theologians　paid　heavily　for　the　privilege

of　being　women。　　The　young　men　of　my　class　who

were　licensed　preachers　were　given　free　accommo…

dations　in　the　dormitory；　and　their　board；　at　a　club

formed　for　their　assistance；　cost　each　of　them　only

one　dollar　and　twenty…five　cents　a　week。　　For　me

no　such　kindly　provision　was　made。　　I　was　not

allowed　a　place　in　the　dormitory；　but　instead　was

given　two　dollars　a　week　to　pay　the　rent　of　a　room

outside。　　Neither　was　I　admitted　to　the　economical

comforts　of　the　club；　but　fed　myself　according　to

my　income；　a　plan　which　worked　admirably　when

there　was　an　income；　but　left　an　obvious　void　when

there　was　not。



With　characteristic　optimism；　however；　I　hired　a

little　attic　room　on　Tremont　Street　and　established

myself　therein。　　In　lieu　of　a　window　the　room

offered　a　pale　skylight　to　the　February　storms；　and

there　was　neither　heat　in　it　nor　running　water；

but　its　possession　gave　me　a　pleasant　sense　of

proprietorship；　and　the　whole　experience　seemed　a

high　adventure。　　I　at　once　sought　opportunities　to

preach　and　lecture；　but　these　were　even　rarer　than

firelight　and　food。　　In　Albion　I　had　been　practically

the　only　licensed　preacher　available　for　substitute

and　special　work。　　In　Boston　University's　three

theological　classes　there　were　a　hundred　men；　each

snatching　eagerly　at　the　slightest　possibility　of

employment；　and　when；　despite　this　competition；

I　received　and　responded　to　an　invitation　to　preach；

I　never　knew　whether　I　was　to　be　paid　for　my　services

in　cash　or　in　compliments。　　If；　by　a　happy　chance；

the　compensation　came　in　cash；　the　amount　was

rarely　more　than　five　dollars；　and　never　more　than

ten。　　There　was　no　help　in　sight　from　my　family；

whose　early　opposition　to　my　career　as　a　minister

had　hotly　flamed　forth　again　when　I　started　East。　

I　lived；　therefore；　on　milk　and　crackers；　and　for

weeks　at　a　time　my　hunger　was　never　wholly　satis…

fied。　　In　my　home　in　the　wilderness　I　had　often

heard　the　wolves　prowling　around　our　door　at　night。　

Now；　in　Boston；　I　heard　them　even　at　high　noon。



There　is　a　special　and　almost　indescribable　de…

pression　attending　such　conditions。　　No　one　who

has　not　experienced　the　combination　of　continued

cold；　hunger；　and　loneliness　in　a　great；　strange；

indifferent　city　can　realize　how　it　undermines　the

victim's　nerves　and　even　tears　at　the　moral　fiber。　

The　self…humiliation　I　experienced　was　also　intense。　

I　had　worked　my　way　in　the　Northwest；　why　could

I　not　work　my　way　in　Boston？　　Was　there；　per…

haps；　some　lack　in　me　and　in　my　courage？　　Again

and　again　these　questions　rose　in　my　mind　and

poisoned　my　self…confidence。　　The　one　comfort　I

had　in　those　black　days　was　the　knowledge　that　no

one　suspected　the　depth　of　the　abyss　in　which　I

dwelt。　　We　were　all　struggling；　to　the　indifferent

glanceand　all　glances　were　indifferentmy　struggle

was　no　worse　than　that　of　my　classmates　whose

rooms　and　frugal　meals　were　given　them。



After　a　few　months　of　this　existence　I　was　almost

ready　to　believe　that　the　Lord's　work　for　me　lay

outside　of　the　ministry；　and　while　this　fear　was

gripping　me　a　serious　crisis　came　in　my　financial

affairs。　　The　day　dawned　when　I　had　not　a　cent；

nor　any　prospect　of　earning　one。　　My　stock　of

provisions　consisted　of　a　box　of　biscuit；　and　my

courage　was　flowing　from　me　like　blood　from　an

opened　vein。　　Then　came　one　of　the　quick　turns

of　the　wheel　of　chance　which　make　for　optimism。　

Late　in　the　afternoon　I　was　asked　to　do　a　week　of

revival　work　with　a　minister　in　a　local　church；　and

when　I　accepted　his　invitation　I　mentally　resolved

to　let　that　week　decide　my　fate。　　My　shoes　had

burst　open　at　the　sides；　for　lack　of　car…fare　I　had

to　walk　to　and　from　the　scene　of　my　meetings；　though

I　had　barely　strength　for　the　effort。　　If　my　week

of　work　brought　me　enough　to　buy　a　pair　of　cheap