the complete works of artemus ward, part 1-第13部分

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


rite　you　these　here　lines。　　Sum　of　the　hiest　and　most　purest
feelins　whitch　actoate　the　humin　hart　has　bin　trampt　onto。　　The
Amerycan　flag　has　bin　outrajed。　　Ive　bin　nussin　a　Adder　in　my
Boozum。　　The　fax　in　the　kase　is　these　here：

A　few　weeks　ago　I　left　Baldinsville　to　go　to　N。Y。　fur　to　git
out　my　flamin　yeller　hanbills　fur　the　Summer　kampane；　&　as　I
was　peroosin　a　noospaper　on　the　kars　a　middel　aged　man　in
speckterkuls　kum　&　sot　down　beside　onto　me。　　He　was　drest　in
black　close　&　was　appeerently　as　fine　a　man　as　ever　was。

〃A　fine　day；　Sir；〃　he　did　unto　me　strateway　say。

〃Middlin；〃　sez　I；　not　wishin　to　kommit　myself；　tho　he　peered　to
be　as　fine　a　man　as　there　was　in　the　wurld〃It　is　a　middlin
fine　day；　Square；〃　I　obsarved。

Sez　he；　〃How　fares　the　Ship　of　State　in　yure　regine　of
country？〃

Sez　I；　〃We　don't　hav　no　ships　in　our　Statethe　kanawl　is　our
best　holt。〃

He　pawsed　a　minit　and　then　sed；　〃Air　yu　aware；　Sir；　that　the
krisis　is　with　us？〃

〃No；〃　sez　I；　getting　up　and　lookin　under　the　seet；　〃whare　is
she？〃

〃It's　hearit's　everywhares；〃　he　sed。

Sez　I；　〃Why　how　you　tawk！〃　and　I　gut　up　agin　&　lookt　all　round。
〃I　must　say；　my　fren；〃　I　continnered；　as　I　resoomed　my　seet；
〃that　I　kan't　see　nothin　of　no　krisis　myself。〃　　I　felt　sumwhat
alarmed；　&　arose　&　in　a　stentoewrian　voice　obsarved　that　if　any
lady　or　gentleman　in　that　there　kar　had　a　krisis　consealed
abowt　their　persons　they'd　better　projuce　it　to　onct　or　suffer
the　konsequences。　　Several　individoouls　snickered　rite　out；
while　a　putty　little　damsell　rite　behind　me　in　a　pinc　gown　made
the　observashun；　〃He；　he。〃

〃Sit　down；　my　fren；〃　sed　the　man　in　black　close；　〃yu
miskomprehend　me。　　I　meen　that　the　perlittercal　ellermunts　are
orecast　with　black　klouds；　4boden　a　friteful　storm。〃

〃Wall；〃　replide　I；　〃in　regard　to　perlittercal　ellerfunts　I
don't　know　as　how　but　what　they　is　as　good　as　enny　other　kind
of　ellerfunts。　　But　I　maik　bold　to　say　thay　is　all　a　ornery　set
&　unpleasant　to　hav　around。　　They　air　powerful　hevy　eaters　&
take　up　a　right　smart　chans　of　room；　&　besides　thay　air　as　ugly
and　revenjeful；　as　a　Cusscaroarus　Injun；　with　13　inches　of　corn
whisky　in　his　stummick。〃　　The　man　in　black　close　seemed　to　be
as　fine　a　man　as　ever　was　in　the　wurld。　　He　smilt　&　sed　praps　I
was　rite；　tho　it　was　ellermunts　instid　of　ellerfunts　that　he
was　alludin　to；　&　axed　me　what　was　my　prinserpuls？

〃I　haint　gut　enny；〃　sed　I〃not　a　prinserpul。　　Ime　in　the　show
biznis。〃　　The　man　in　black　close；　I　will　hear　obsarve；　seemed
to　be　as　fine　a　man　as　ever　was　in　the　wurld。

〃But；〃　sez　he；　〃you　hav　feelins　into　you？　　You　cimpathize　with
the　misfortunit；　the　loly　&　the　hart…sick；　don't　you？〃　　He　bust
into　teers　and　axed　me　ef　I　saw　that　yung　lady　in　the　seet　out
yender；　pintin　to　as　slick　a　lookin　gal　as　I　ever　seed。

Sed　I；　〃2　be　shure　I　see　heris　she　mutch　sick？〃　　The　man　in
black　close　was　appeerently　as　fine　a　man　as　ever　was　in　the
wurld　ennywhares。

〃Draw　closter　to　me；〃　sed　the　man　in　black　close。　　〃Let　me　git
my　mowth　fernenst　yure　ear。　　HushSHESE　A　OCTOROON！〃

〃No！〃　sez　I；　gittin　up　in　a　exsited　manner；　〃yu　don't　say　so！
How　long　has　she　bin　in　that　way？〃

〃Frum　her　arliest　infuncy；〃　sed　he。

〃Wall；　whot　upon　arth　duz　she　doo　it　fur？〃　I　inquired。

〃She　kan't　help　it；〃　sed　the　man　in　black　close。　　〃It's　the
brand　of　Kane。〃

〃Wall；　she'd　better　stop　drinkin　Kane's　brandy；〃　I　replide。

〃I　sed　the　brand　of　Kane　was　upon　hernot　brandy；　my　fren。
Yure　very　obtoose。〃

I　was　konsiderbul　riled　at　this。　　Sez　I；　〃My　gentle　Sir；　Ime　a
nonresistanter　as　a　ginral　thing；　&　don't　want　to　git　up　no
rows　with　nobuddy；　but　I　kin　nevertheles　kave　in　enny　man's　hed
that　calls　me　a　obtoos；〃　with　whitch　remarks　I　kommenst　fur　to
pull　orf　my　extry　garmints。　〃Cum　on；〃　sez　I〃Time！　hear's　the
Beniki　Boy　fur　ye！〃　&　I　darnced　round　like　a　poppit。　　He　riz　up
in　his　seet　&　axed　my　pardinsed　it　was　all　a　mistakethat　I
was　a　good　man；　etsettery；　&　sow　4th；　&　we　fixt　it　all　up
pleasant。　　I　must　say　the　man　in　black　close　seamed　to　be　as
fine　a　man　as　ever　lived　in　the　wurld。　　He　sed　a　Octoroon　was
the　8th　of　a　negrow。　　He　likewise　statid　that　the　female　he　was
travlin　with　was　formurly　a　slave　in　Mississippy；　that　she'd
purchist　her　freedim　&　now　wantid　to　purchiss　the　freedim　of
her　poor　old　muther；　who　（the　man　in　black　close　obsarved）　was
between　87　years　of　age　&　had　to　do　all　the　cookin　&　washin　for
25　hired　men；　whitch　it　was　rapidly　breakin　down　her　konstitushun。
He　sed　he　knowed　the　minit　he　gazed　onto　my　klassic　&　beneverlunt
fase　that　I'd　donate　librully　&　axed　me　to　go　over　&　see　her；
which　I　accordingly　did。　　I　sot　down　beside　her　and　sed；　〃yure
Sarvant；　Marm！　　How　do　yer　git　along？〃

She　bust　in　2　teers　&　sed；　〃O　Sur；　I'm　so　retchidI'm　a　poor
unfortunit　Octoroon。〃

〃So　I　larn。　　Yure　rather　more　Roon　than　Octo；　I　take　it；〃　sed
I；　fur　I　never　seed　a　puttier　gal　in　the　hull　endoorin　time　of
my　life。　　She　had　on　a　More　Antic　Barsk　&　a　Poplin　Nubier　with
Berage　trimmins　onto　it；　while　her　ise　&　kurls　was　enuff　to
make　a　man　jump　into　a　mill　pond　without　biddin　his　relashuns
good…by。　　I　pittid　the　Octoroon　from　the　inmost　recusses　of　my
hart　&　hawled　out　50　dollars　kerslap；　&　told　her　to　buy　her　old
muther　as　soon　as　posserbul。　　Sez　she　〃kine　sir　mutch　thanks。〃
She　then　lade　her　hed　over　onto　my　showlder　&　sed　I　was　〃old
rats。〃　　I　was　astonished　to　heer　this　obsarvation；　which　I
knowd　was　never　used　in　refined　society　&　I　perlitely　but
emfattercly　shovd　her　hed　away。

Sez　I　〃Marm；　I'm　trooly　sirprized。〃

Sez　she；　〃git　out。　　Yure　the　nicist　old　man　Ive　seen　yit。　　Give
us　anuther　50！〃　　Had　a　seleck　assortment　of　the　most　tremenjious
thunderbolts　descended　down　onto　me　I　couldn't　hav　bin　more
takin　aback。　　I　jumpt　up；　but　she　ceased　my　coat　tales　&　in　a
wild　voise　cride；　〃No；　Ile　never　desart　youlet　us　fli　together
to　a　furrin　shoor！〃

Sez　I；　〃not　mutch　we　wont；〃　and　I　made　a　powerful　effort　to　get
awa　from　her。　　〃This　is　plade　out；〃　I　sed；　whereupon　she　jerkt
me　back　into　the　seet。　　〃Leggo　my　coat；　you　scandaluss　female；〃
I　roared；　when　she　set　up　the　most　unarthly　yellin　and　hollerin
you　ever　heerd。　　The　passinjers　&　the　gentlemunly　konducter
rusht　to　the　spot；　&　I　don't　think　I　ever　experiunsed　sich　a
rumpus　in　the　hull　coarse　of　my　natral　dase。　　The　man　in　black
close　rusht　up　to　me　&　sed　〃How　dair　yu　insult　my　neece；　you
horey　heded　vagabone。　　You　base　exhibbiter　of　low　wax　figgers
yu　woolf　in　sheep's　close；〃　&　sow　4th。

I　was　konfoozed。　　I　was　a　loonytick　fur　the　time　bein；　and
offered　5　dollars　reward　to　enny　gentleman　of　good　morrul
carracter　who　wood　tell　me　whot　my　name　was　&　what　town　I　livd
into。　　The　konducter　kum　to　me　&　sed　the　insultid　parties　wood
settle　for　50　dollars；　which　I　immejitly　hawled　out；　&　agane
implored　sumbuddy　to　state　whare　I　was　prinsipully；　&　if　I
shood　be　thare　a　grate　while　my　self　ef　things　went　on　as
they'd　bin　goin　fur　sum　time　back。　　I　then　axed　if　there　was
enny　more　Octoroons　present；　〃becawz；〃　sez　I；　〃ef　there　is；　let
um　cum　along；　fur　Ime　in　the　Octoroon　bizniss。〃　　I　then　threw
my　specterculs　out　of　the　winder；　smasht　my　hat　wildly　down
over　my　Ise；　larfed　highsterically　&　fell　under　a　seet。　　I　lay
there　sum　time　&　fell　asleep。　　I　dreamt　Mrs。　Ward　&　the　twins
had　bin　carried　orf　by　Ryenosserhosses　&　that　Baldinsville　had
bin　captered　by　a　army　of　Octoroons。　　When　I　awoked　the　lamps
was　a　burnin　dimly。　　Sum　of　the　passinjers　was　a　snorein　like
pawpusses　&　the　little　damsell　in　the　pinc　gown　was　a　singin
〃Oft　in　the　Silly　nite。〃　　The　onprinsipuld　Octoroon　&　the
miserbul　man　in　black　close　was　gone；　&　all　of　a　suddent　it
flasht　ore　my　brane　that　I'de　bin　swindild。


1。9。　　EXPERIENCE　AS　AN　EDITOR。

In　the　Ortum　of　18　my　frend；　the　editor　of　the　Baldinsville
Bugle；　was　obleged　to　leave　perfeshernal　dooties　&　go　&　dig　his
taters；　&　he　axed　me　to　edit　for　him　dooring　his　absence。
Accordingly　I　ground　up　his　Shears　and　commenced。　　It　didn't
take　me　a　grate　while　to　slash　out　copy　enuff　from　the　xchanges
（Perhaps　five　per　cent。　of　the　Western　newspapers　is　original
matter　relating　to　the　immediate　neighborhood；　the　rest　is
composed　of　〃telegraphs〃　and　clippings　from　the　〃exchanges〃a
general　term　applied　to　those　papers　posted　in　exchange　for
others；　the　accommodation　being　a　mutual　benefit。）　for　one
issoo；　and　I　thawt　I'd　ride　up　to　the　next　town　on　a　little
Jaunt；　to　rest　my　Branes；　which　had　bin　severely　rackt　by　my
mental　efforts。　　（This　is　sorter　Ironical。）　　So　I　went　over　to
the　Rale　Road　offiss　and　axed　the　Sooprintendent　for　a　pars。

〃YOU　a　editer？〃　he　axed；　evijently　on　the　pint　of　snickerin。

〃Yes　Sir；〃　sez　I；　〃don't　I　look　poor　enuff？〃

〃Just　about；〃　sed　he；　〃but　our　Road　can't　pars　you。〃

〃Can't；　hay？〃

〃No　Sirit　can't。〃

〃Becauz；〃　sez　I；　lookin　him　full　in　the　face　with　a　Eagle　eye；
〃IT　GOES　SO　DARNED　SLOW　IT　CAN'T　PARS　ANYBODY！〃　　Methinks　I　had
him　thar。　　It's　the　slowest　Rale　Road　in　the　West。　　With　a
mortified　air；　he　told　me　to　git　out　of　his　offiss。　　I　pittid
him　and　went。


1。10。　　OBERLIN。

About　two　years　ago　I　arrove　in　Oberlin；　Ohio。　　Oberlin　is
whare　the　celebrated　college　is。　　In　fack；　Oberlin　IS　the
college；　everything　else　in　that　air　vicinity　resolvin　around
excloosivly　for　the　benefit　of　that　institution。　　It　is　a　very
good　college；　too；　&　a　grate　many　wurthy　yung　men　go　there
annooally　to　git　intelleck　into　'em。　　But　its　my　onbiassed
'pinion　that　they　go　it　rather　too　strong　on　Ethiopians　at
Oberlin。　　But　that's　nun　of　my　bisniss。　　I'm　into　the　Show
bizness。　　Yit　as　a　faithful　historan　I　must　menshun　the　fack
that　on　rainy　dase　white　peple　can't　find　their　way　threw　the
streets　without　the　gas　is　lit；　there　bein　such　a　numerosity　of
cullerd　pussons　in　the　town。

As　I　was　sayin；　I　arroved　at　Oberlin；　and　called　on　Perfesser
Peck　for　the　purpuss　of　skewerin　Kolonial　Hall　to　exhibit　my
wax　works　and　beests　of　Pray　into。　　Kolonial　Hall　is　in　the
college　and　is　used　by　the　stujents　to　speak　peaces　and　read
essays　into。

Sez　Perfesser　Peck；　〃Mister　Ward；　I　don't　know　'bout　this
bizniss。　　What　are　your　sentiments？〃

Sez　I；　〃I　hain't　got　any。〃

〃Good　God！〃　cried　the